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~~Gilmour Classic~~ · (05-05-2014)

Days later, we return to the home of Owen Octavious Carter. Evil as always, Gilmour Classic is in the corner of the room struggling to do a single sit up. It takes him at least two minutes to touch his elbows to his knees but he eventually gets there. Once he's accomplished his workout routine of the day, he goes back to eating some Spaghetti-Os in front of the TV.

Jessica Jones: Baby you should be getting ready for your match. Your opponent is no slouch!

She says as true evil sits in the middle of his living room breaking a sweat, eating his bowl of Spaghettios.

Gilmour Classic: I am getting ready, you... CUNT!

Jessica Jones: This isn't helping you! You've been out of action for at least a month. You need to be training for your triumphant return. Here, take this...

Jessica pulls out a kendo stick and throws it on the ground in front of Classic Gilly.

Gilmour Classic: Come on, baby. I know how to swing a fucking kendo stick. Get that shit out of my face!

Jessica Jones: This is for your own good, Peter! Trust me, I'm your future wife. Will you do this for me?

Gilmour Classic: Oh fine! So you want me to just take this kendo stick and give it a couple of swings?

Jessica Jones: Yes, you'll also find a pinata in the backyard.

Gilmour Classic: What the fuck, CUNT! A pinata? It's not my birthday! CUNT!

Jessica Jones: No, you fucking imbecile. Your match with ≡The Imperial Erotican≡ is a Pinata Match! Jesus, do you ever pay attention?

Gilmour Classic: FUCK YOU! I knew that.

Jessica Jones: Then why aren't you practicing your pinata swing? How long as it been since you've hit a pinata with a stick?

Gilmour Classic: My 35th birthday so... two years.

Jessica Jones: See! You need a refresher session with that shit. Tell him, OOC!

Holy fuck, GC's manager Owen Octavious Carter shows up on cue with his cane and evil villain hairdo.

OOC: Jessica is right, Gilmour! Put that spaghetti down, put on a clean shirt, pick up the kendo stick, and meet me in the backyard!

Gilmour Classic: I am True Evil. True Evil shouldn't be wasting his time in Pinata Matches with nobodies! I should be fighting for championships.

Gilmour Classic winks at the camera, wickedly.

OOC: Gilmour, you have to start at the bottom like everyone else. You can't just come back and start chasing titles in your first match. No one is capable of that.

Gilmour Classic: But I am TRUE EVIL! I won the Hart Title and the X-Treme Title 11 times. Who else can boast that they've held the 24/7 championship that many times? You and these people don't understand the demands that come with being the X-Treme Champion 11 times. You're constantly having to watch your back and overcome the most sadistic of sneak attacks. No sneak attack ever seen on XWF television can compare to the 24/7 attacks that I've had to endure! I was brutalized every day by those savages, damnit! Even raped at one point by a halfling!

OOC: That's all swell, but it doesn't change the fact that you have a Pinata Match to train whether you feel like you deserve it or not.

Gilmour: Fuck it! You're my agent, you tell OzymandiASS that I will do this match, but I want better treatment after this or I'll sue them! I'll sue them all!

OOC: I'll tell him that... IF... And only IF you go out there right now and practice for your match.

Gilmour Classic is intrigued by OOC's offer. He sees that OOC is being very serious, or at least he perceives him to be. He picks up the kendo stick and runs out the door with his abdominal region flapping everywhere.

OOC: Look at him go. He's gonna be ready on Monday night.

Out of nowhere, Jessica Jones breaks down into tears. What on earth has caused her this to be stricken with grief?

OOC: What the hell is wrong with you? Get off your knees, woman!

Jessica Jones: I can't do this anymore!

OOC: What?!

Jessica Jones: I CAN'T LIE TO KEVIN!

SMACK! My God, OOC just backhanded that poor woman. How truly evil of him!

OOC: Shut up, bitch! You're going to ruin everything if you don't shut the fuck up!

Jessica Jones: We are horrible people for not telling Kevin Steen the truth.

OOC: He won't know the difference. He looks like Gilmour, and now he acts and thinks like Gilmour. You need to shut the fuck up! Peter Gilmour is already confusing him when he calls him a Kevin Steen wannabe in promos. But as long as we support Gilmour Classic, he'll believe anything.

Jessica Jones: But whyyyyyy?

OOC: Bitch, it's Kevin Steen! Do you know how much money we can make off of this? The man is the most talented wrestler on the face of the planet. And as we all know, Peter Gilmour is a magnet for attention. Yes, Peter Gilmour is shit in every other way possible, but he is a magnet nonetheless. If we can combine that attention magnet with talent, then we have a recipe for success. No one gives a shit about Kevin Steen or ROH besides losers like me. XWF on the other hand-- that's where the money is. Trust me, I've practiced managing superstars in my fantasy online wrestling company. It's just like the real thing-- has to be.

Jessica Jones: Fine, but look, I'm having a hard time keeping up with all the fucking names you two give me.

OOC: You're Jenny Johnson... right?

Jessica Jones: ...

OOC: Just be whoever Gilmour says you are. Whatever you do-- DON'T show him a picture of Rose Smith EVER. Don't even mention her name.

Jessica Jones: Why can't I say Rose Smith?

OOC: There's something tied to Rose Smith that causes Kevin Ste-- Gilmour Classic to lose sight of who he is. It's possible that if he sees or hears Rose Smith enough times that he might revert to Kevin Steen. It's weird. I'm also very anxious about showing him these Peter Gilmour promos.

OOC shows Jessica some footage of a Peter Gilmour promo on his youtube channel. It's one of his best promos yet.

Quote: Gilmour: Gilmour Classic. This guy thinks he’s real classy by using my name, my favorite wrestler and trying, I repeat TRYING to be my former self. Sorry pal, nobody can be me and that includes a fat slob like yourself. You come out here thinking your “hardcore”. Listen here you little insect, I was hardcore before hardcore was cool! When I was born, I was ready to kill somebody and make them bleed. But you come out here thinking you can be me, thinking you’re KEVIN STEEN the most underated wrestler in the world and think that you’re “girlfriend” is the hottest woman in the world? I don’t think so. While I respect Mr. Steen for what he does, I do not think he would appreciate you impersonating him.

OOC: See how convincing Peter is when he trash talks Kev- I mean Gilmour Classic? What if Gilmour Classic gets confused or remembers that he is actually Kevin Steen? Then this whole operation is ruined!

Jessica Jones: Then don't show him the tape...

OOC: He won't stop asking about it! He really wants to kill Peter Gilmour. Classic Gilmour, so easily distracted by other things going on around him.

Jessica Jones: Well, we need to get him focused on his next match. We can't have him wanting to kill Gilmour when he should be focused on killing Erotican.

OOC: Do me a favor. While I'm out there helping him train for his Pinata Deathmatch, you edit the name Kevin Steen out of all the Peter promos. I'm fairly certain that if Peter continues to convince Gilmour Classic that he's Kevin Steen, that Gilmour Classic will be no more.

Jessica Jones: Sure, I'm on it.

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