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~~Gilmour Classic~~ · (05-05-2014)

"""ROH!"""

The noise is deafening as the crowd of 500 or so dorks in attendance express their love for Ring of Honor. We witnessed some exciting, anti-WWE, wrestling tonight. We also heard all kinds of quirky chants, but in the end it's those three letters that mean the world to these fans: ROH! ROH! ROH!

We pan away from those ~~ugly~~ passionate fans to a back shot of the one and only KEVIN STEEN. Kevin is walking to the back after having put on a clinic against Chris Hero. You can tell by the fatigue in Kevin's face that he went out there and gave it everything he had for those fans. Kevin gives one final bow to the capacity crowd as he passes through the curtain.

Kevin Steen is now in the backstage area where the production crew and the performers are wrapping things up for the night. Kevin receives encouragement from various crew members as he passes them by. They were all inspired by his amazing performance. That is until he bumps into the man who was his opponent: CHRIS HERO.

Chris Hero: What the fuck was that? You think you can go one match without your group running in to help you?

Chris Hero was visibly frustrated about what took place during the match. Usually the ROH superstars reserved their displeasure for the following show, but Chris couldn't wait that long. We continue to watch as Chris gets right up in Kevin Steen's grill!

Chris Hero: Explain yourself, you piece of shit!

This was too much for Kevin Steen. Kevin just wanted to get the fuck out of the ROH arena.

Kevin Steen: Not now, Chris. I'm not in the mood for this. It sucks that shit went down the way it did, but you have to trust me when I say that I hadn't planned it that way.

Chris Hero: You know that I had your number tonight! Have you looked at yourself? You can barely stand up right now!

Kevin Steen: I said NOT NOW, Chris! We'll talk about this next week when I've had a chance to address my group.

Kevin Steen tries to walk away, but Chris Hero grabs him by the shoulder. Big mistake! Kevin may be tired, but he isn't a pushover. Kevin throws a punch that hits Chris in the chin and knocks him down. Chris grabs a handful of Kevin's t-shirt as he collapses to the ground. The two men exchange more blows before security steps in.

Kevin Steen: I warned you, Chris!

Chris Hero: You just wait! This ain't over!

Kevin Steen breaks away as the security element continue to manhandle Chris Hero on the ground. Kevin was finally able to get some alone time as he pushed through the exit and took in the fresh air outside.

Kevin Steen: What a night...

That's when he hears the last thing he wanted to deal with...

Guy: Oh my God, it's KEVIN STEEN!

Fans...

There in the middle of the parking lot appears to be a 36 year old man screaming like a teenage girl at the sight of Kevin Steen's fat, sweaty ass. The 36 year old fan has a ratty looking face and the most obnoxious, man child voice you've ever heard. He runs up to Steen pumping his fists that are full of ROH merchandise.

Kevin Steen: (to himself) Fucking hell. Am I gonna have to knock out another man?

It's not that Kevin Steen hates social interaction, he just hates ROH fans. Seriously, those people are the worst. These idiots think they are so clever with their chants and their involvement with the shows which they call "fan interaction." Give me a fucking break. Then they try to pretend like they have all this inside knowledge of "the business," like they are insiders. Fuck off, you people are all a bunch of lazy nerds who spend too much time on the computer, you fucking keyboard warriors. They watch all of these interviews online and all of a sudden they think that they know the business inside and out.

And THAT is the type of moron who is running up to Kevin Steen in the parking lot. Just another ugly, pathetic loser who wants his Goddamn cup signed. And we watch him as he stalks Kevin Steen like a predator in the wild. He's got his sharpie ready to go for Steen. He takes off the cap with his teeth and spits it out onto the ground like a soldier who just yanked the pin out of a grenade and charged into battle. He couldn't give two shits if the sharpie dries up after this is all over with.

Kevin Steen knew that smell all too well. The scent grows stronger as the dirty little fucker moves in closer with his greasy hands ready to go in Kevin's face. That disgusting smell of inbred white trash and sharpie paint blended together to create the scent of the average ROH fan.

~~Kevin Steen did something that he's wanted to do since day one. He kicks the loser in the gut and gives him a piledriver onto the asphalt and leaves him there.~~

Sadly, Kevin Steen could not do either of those things. He would have to suck it up one more night and give this dirtbag ten minutes of his time that he'll never get back. He would have to pretend to give a shit about whatever comes out of this loser's mouth.

Kevin pretended to not hear the starstruck man, he even thought for a moment that he would pretend to not be Kevin Steen. But this ~~creepy loser~~ ROH fan was determined to get Steen's signature on every piece of merchandise that he owned. You simply cannot fool wrestler nerds. "I don't want this," is all Kevin could think to himself. With his back turned to the ROH fan, he made a beeline for his Ford Explorer. He had done this before. Surely if he just rushed to his vehicle, he could hightail out of there. Kevin even tried to shield his face, though it did not matter at this point. As he walked away, he kept telling himself:

Kevin Steen: Almost home... almost home... almost--

Guy: KEVIN STEEN!

FUCK. The voice was RIGHT THERE in his ear. The nerd must have been running. And like every loser who attends these shows, this one was no different. This creepy fuck made it his mission to violate Kevin's personal space. He was sure to give Kevin no room to breath as he stood two inches from him. It's times like these when Kevin wished he carried a can of pepper spray to keep these motherfuckers away.

Guy: I watch all of your matches! This is insane, you are my favorite wrestler of all time!

Kevin Steen: That's great... So do you want me to sign your shit or what?

Of course it's never that easy. The moron has to tell Steen his entire life story first.

Guy: I actually want to train to be a wrestler some day.

This goes on for about five minutes as Kevin Steen wishes he could blow his brains out.

Eventually, the guy shoves his stuff in Kevin's face for him to sign. At least once Kevin signs this

stuff he can make his escape.

Kevin Steen: That's just amazing. You do that, buddy. Good luck with all of it.

Guy: But in the meantime, I'm doing fantasy wrestling online!

Kevin Steen: Okay... Hey, here's your stuff back. I signed all of it. See?

Guy: AWESOME! So like I was saying, I play online in a fantasy wrestling group. It's a fantasy federation called PWF. I'm so inspired by you that the fantasy wrestler that I created is based off of you entirely! I have your looks, your moves, and a picture to go with it. My saying is: "YOU CAN'T KILL WHAT YOU DIDN'T CREATE!" Oh yeah, and there's this

in the federation who thinks he's Sting but I'm gonna KILL HIM! KILL STEEN KILL! HAHA!

Kevin doesn't have enough palms for his face right now as he listens to all of this.

Kevin Steen: Wait a minute, aren't you the same guy from last week who chased me down?

Guy: Yeah! I tried to get your attention but you accidentally backed over me with your Explorer.

Kevin Steen: Shit... Yeah that was nuts, I didn't see you there. Well, I'm leaving now. Please don't stand behind my vehicle this time. Okay?

Guy: But wait, you have to hear the idea I have for my fantasy federation. It's so cool that I also want to give the idea to the XWF.

The absolute last thing Kevin Steen wanted to hear about right now was some nerdy fantasy booking for one of ROH's rival federations.

Kevin Steen: I can't right now. I gotta go, dude. I'm fuckin' exhausted.

Kevin's sitting in the car and wants to close the door but this annoying ~~loser~~ fan has managed to wedge his body in the way of it closing.

Guy: PLEASE, just listen. I got this idea where I have you--I mean-- my character lose weight and I start telling people to lick my asshole. LICK MY ASSHOLE! HAHAHA! Do you think that's something you would do?

Kevin Steen: No... it's not. I've never done anything like that in my career. But whatever floats your boat, guy. I'm going now...

Guy: WAAAAIT! You have to hear this other idea that I have.

Kevin Steen: Sorry, I have to leave now. It was nice meeting you.

Kevin turns his attention away from the fan and shoves his key into the ignition. As he's about to start the vehicle, a white rag goes over his face, smothering him!

Kevin Steen: FUUUU- ARRGH-- MMMMPH!!

Oh my fucking God, this obsessed, smelly, disgusting, vile, ugly, degenerate, never-been-touched-by-a-woman fan just chloroformed Kevin Steen in his own car! What in the hell...

Once Kevin has been knocked unconscious, the fan rolls him into the passenger seat, and takes over driving.

Guy: I'm sorry, Kevin Steen. But you have to hear all my ideas! Let's go home.

Threaded Mode \| Linear Mode ROH! ROH! ROH! pt. 1
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