Since it has been ages since I have written an rp that was over 2000words I was just wondering if anyone has any feedback for me on my first rp for War Games

Link to Who Am I????

Thanks this was an idea I had for an rp back when I challenge Barney but never got the chance to use it in that match.

Thanks
Bob

as i said in the rep i gave u, u did an awesome job, i love the story of liam and his father, and how liam wants to make his own life... i feel u r going to be very succesful, best of luck for wargames, peace! ^_^

"Don't quit your day job."

Don’t plan to as rping doesn’t really pay the bills

Wait you guys aren’t getting paid to write? Well..... y’all need to get better jobs then.

I thought that your rp was great overall. I loved the story and I thought the idea of using actors to recreate the scenes from your characters life was very creative. If I could just offer a little advice, when you’re narrating (setting up the scene, describing a location, explaining what your character or someone else is doing in a scene) it works better if you do it in 3rd person instead of 1st. For example, here’s the first few sentences from your rp if they were done in 3rd person.

The scene opens to a small metal folding chair sitting against a plain white backdrop. The camera zoomed tightly to the chair before Liam can be seen walking into the frame. He turns to the camera and gives it a little wave before sitting down. He sits there in silence for a few moments, taking a few deep breaths, before beginning to speak.

The only other advice I’d give you is to be sure and proofread your rp's before posting them. None of us are professional writers, and even professional writers have editors that check their work over and over, so no one expects your rp's to be perfect. But you want to at least try to make sure that there aren’t any mistakes that make your rp hard to understand or change the meaning of what you’re trying to say. I will usually wait for around a hour after I finish writing a rp before I go back and reread it. That gives you time to kind of flush it out of your brain and makes it easier to catch little mistakes.

Please don’t take any of this as criticism. Like I said, I think your rp was terrific and you have a very good writing style. The hardest part of writing is being able to tell a good story and you’ve got that nailed!

(05-28-2020, 02:43 PM)The Jester Said: I thought that your rp was great overall. I loved the story and I thought the idea of using actors to recreate the scenes from your characters life was very creative. If I could just offer a little advice, when you’re narrating (setting up the scene, describing a location, explaining what your character or someone else is doing in a scene) it works better if you do it in 3rd person instead of 1st. For example, here’s the first few sentences from your rp if they were done in 3rd person.

The scene opens to a small metal folding chair sitting against a plain white backdrop. The camera zoomed tightly to the chair before Liam can be seen walking into the frame. He turns to the camera and gives it a little wave before sitting down. He sits there in silence for a few moments, taking a few deep breaths, before beginning to speak.

The only other advice I’d give you is to be sure and proofread your rp's before posting them. None of us are professional writers, and even professional writers have editors that check their work over and over, so no one expects your rp's to be perfect. But you want to at least try to make sure that there aren’t any mistakes that make your rp hard to understand or change the meaning of what you’re trying to say. I will usually wait for around a hour after I finish writing a rp before I go back and reread it. That gives you time to kind of flush it out of your brain and makes it easier to catch little mistakes.

Please don’t take any of this as criticism. Like I said, I think your rp was terrific and you have a very good writing style. The hardest part of writing is being able to tell a good story and you’ve got that nailed!

I just want to say thank you for responding the way that you did. It was critical but you weren’t rude. You explained your reasoning and didn’t disparage the writer.

Thank You.

(05-24-2020, 09:42 AM)Jenny Myst Said: "Don't quit your day job."

I'm just curious but are you drunktarded? This is an OOC section of the boards. I know that sometimes you like to put on heels and dresses and pretend to be Jenny Myst and that's cool, you do you but when the boards are very clearly marked OOC and you respond IC, especially in a way where you are putting down other people's work it really irritates me. ESPECIALLY when you did it earlier in the week and apologized for doing it only to do it again. It's not easy for people to ask for feedback, to put themselves out there like that. The last thing I want to see is for people to stop asking because they are going to get shitty responses to their requests. That goes for anyone who may respond in a way that is not helpful or IC.

Be smarter, be better.

C'mon, Chris.

#BeBest

(05-28-2020, 02:43 PM)The Jester Said: I thought that your rp was great overall. I loved the story and I thought the idea of using actors to recreate the scenes from your characters life was very creative. If I could just offer a little advice, when you’re narrating (setting up the scene, describing a location, explaining what your character or someone else is doing in a scene) it works better if you do it in 3rd person instead of 1st. For example, here’s the first few sentences from your rp if they were done in 3rd person.

The scene opens to a small metal folding chair sitting against a plain white backdrop. The camera zoomed tightly to the chair before Liam can be seen walking into the frame. He turns to the camera and gives it a little wave before sitting down. He sits there in silence for a few moments, taking a few deep breaths, before beginning to speak.

The thing about 1st person narration as opposed to 3rd person, is that it is often used in novels [especially young adult books] to show how the primary character feels about their story. That's why I've often used 1st person, over my 19 or so year journey in fedding. The 3rd person does sometimes help people follow along easier, but changing the narrative as u did does take away some of the personal emotion in the piece, and i personally think it might have taken away from liam's ineraction and feeling of his dad. hope this makes sense, and liam -- best of luck at War Games!!!! ^_^

I respect your opinion and can see where you’re coming from. I didn’t mean for it sound like I was saying that one way is wrong and the other is right. It really comes down to personal preference. Thank you for giving a well reasoned rebuttal.