OOC: For the two people that care (Yes, two, I know I'm being optimistic here) Cunt Hard part 2 will be going up as a Character Development RP sometime before New Years. Basically, there's too much I want to say about the match that breaks the story completely if I add it. Whose idea was it to have a 3k word limit? Fuck you. I'm kidding, I love you. Happy holidays.

Merry Cuntmas

---

(The following was recorded earlier.)

It's Christmas Eve!

... Well in 'Stralia it is anyway, time travel is wild, cunts.

I'm back home in Melbourne to see family before I have to go back to cunting work on fucking Christmas day like I'm a fucking slave! Bullshit, cunts. Luckily I could swing a private jet or else I'd never make it back in time. America is so shit during Christmas, all cold and grey. 'Stralia has it good, how Christmas is supposed to be celebrated, the days are long and the sun is hot, the smell of barbies fill the air. Girls in bikinis walking down the street to parties on the beach. Bliss, cunts, just like Baby Jesus would have wanted.

Only downside is that my fucking country is on fire.

I adjust the strap of my travel bag over my shoulder as I reach for the doorknob and push it open, taking the first step back home in months.

"Oi cunts!"

I shout closing the door behind me and setting the bag down beside the small pile of shoes. I see me mum peek around the kitchen door with a smile, she takes off her rubber gloves and tosses them in the sink as she hobbles over to my open arms and squeezes me tightly as I hug her back, she pulls my neck down to give me a kiss on the cheek. She takes a step back her hands around my waist, she looks at me beaming.

MUM: "So happy to see you, love."

"Good to be home, where's the little cunt?"

MUM: "Ryder?" Mum lets go of me as she starts to walk back to the kitchen, throwing a finger towards the door beside me. "He's in the living room."

"No wuckas, make us a cuppa, mum, please."

MUM: "On it!"

I open the door to the living room all sneaky like and peek into Ryder chilling on the couch playing on his PS4. I quietly push the door open as his eyes are glued to the scene and slide in like a slippery lizard before pouncing on the cunt and keeping my wait on his shoulder and digging my knuckles into his hair for a noogie.

"G'day cunt! You missed me!"

RYDER: "Get off me ya cunt!"

He cries out in his nasally tone trying to throw his arms away to grab me, but I'm too sick for that shit.

"Merry Christmas mate! How old are you now?"

RYDER: "Get the fuck off me, Noah!"

Ryder squirms and manages to toss me away but I manage to pin the cunt down to the floor with my knee over his forearm and raise my right hand.

"Missed your birthday, cunt, owe you some digs!"

I throw a 'brotherly' punch into his bicep and Ryder lets out an ow, his pain turning into a chuckle as he gives up and allows me to just punch him in the arm again before I hear mum shout from the other room.

MUM: "Enough of that! You wreck any decorations and your dead!"

Muffled by the wall, she still sounds scary. I get up and help Ryder to his feet, he rubs his arm before giving me a friendly dig in the shoulder, I pat his cheek as we return to the couch.

RYDER: "Wish you stayed in the states, cunt."

"Don't be like that Rides, you know you missed me."

RYDER: "Yeah, yeah." He picks up the controller and goes back to his game. "Oh you got me kicked, cunt!"

"Should have fought back better! Not my fault."

RYDER: "Prick."

He shakes his head and we both share a quiet giggle, I start to watch him join a new game on COD and look around at the decorations around the old living room. Nothing's changed. The same plastic tree we dug out of the attic every year, mine and Rides' stockings over the fireplace we've never once used ever since we fought a Koala got stuck in the chimney. It's sick, like opening a time capsule. I see my mum to my side who hands me a cup of coffee and give a thank you before kicking my feet up. Mum hobbles on over to her chair beside the tree and grabs a present.

MUM: "Hear you are, love."

I swallow the coffee and set it down before grabbing the prezzie.

"Aw, mum you shouldn't have." She should have, I'm just being polite. "Can I open it now?"

MUM: "Yeah go on, you're leaving in the morning aren't you?"

I smile and rip open the wrapping and pull out a baby blue jumper that'd I never wear, I see Ryder smile at me from the corner of my eye, trying to hold back a giggle.I fold the jumper down onto me knee and look to mum with a forced smile.

"I love it, thank you."

"You're welcome, Noah."

I place the present beside me and dig into my back pocket and pull out three envelopes.

"Where's Steve-o by the way?"

RYDER: "Dad got called into work."

"No wuckas." I hand an envelope to Ryder and two to mum. "Merry Christmas!"

The two smile and thank me before opening up the envelopes exposing tickets.

MUM: "Tickets to-"

"Cunt-Fest!" I interrupt in excitement. "It's mine and dad's show, gonna be sick! I'll cover your flight too."

RYDER: "Noah! That's sick! Nice one, bro."

I clap Ryder's shoulder with the back of my hand and look to mum, who looks up with a smile.

MUM: "I love it, thank you."

---

I'm a proper little grumpy cunt as I try and relax in the seat of the jet as we fly to Wales. Fucking Wales! Not even the Welsh want to be in Wales! This is why I usually stick to Savage and Anarchy, least I have the opportunity to drive home. My leg over my knee, my foot fidgets wildly as I stare at the window with my arms folded. I huff and remove my airpods tossing them onto the table in front of me.

"So Donnie and BWP are complete wastes of fucking time. I would say I'm shocked but that'd be a fucking lie."

"Useless. Cunts."

"You two cunts have a chance to actually aspire to something and lose to the sickest cunt in the multiverse but instead you float around like the gormless fucks you are and do literally nothing to further your careers, to build a fanbase or even just, I don't fucking know, be more worthwhile than fucking algae. Is there anything that will help you cunts be more productive? Tell me cunts, I'll help! I'm all for an easy win but I don't want to be known as a paper champion when I'm not picking the competition. I want to be known as the hardest worker in the XWF! I want to be known as the only cunt who did all 3 shows in a month and defended the title in 2 of them. Would have been all 3 if Anarchy allowed that shit and you two cunts are making me look bad."

"So either step your shit up or just fuck off and die. Nobody will miss you."

"Also, I still don't know who the fuck Travis Stone is! This is why this random bullshit is so fucking dumb, I honestly see Big D's point... Kinda, that cunt does not belong on the Uni title scene, that's hilarious if he really thinks that. But his point being that the random shit just fucks everything up. I beat Blackwater on Savage before the card for Warfare was even released, me facing him again is fucking idiotic. That cunt should be kicked aside. Me facing Big D after I humiliate him and take the TV is fucking stupid! Good thing that pussy wised up and ran away before I made him my bitch again. War Pig is fucking useless, he hasn't been a threat in a singles match for OVER A FUCKING YEAR! But yeah, that cunt deserves to be on any title scene! Fucking moronic. Travis Stone! ... Who the fuck is this guy? This is his first match... HIS FIRST FUCKING MATCH! And he gets a shot at the TV!? Bob, you fat cunt, you know how little you're making these titles mean when you give any random cunt a shot? Do you actually have a fucking brain!? It took me a fucking while to get a shot at this title and when I got it, people fucking popped. When I won it, it was a big fucking deal. You gave a shot at MY title to someone fucking cunt who literally just walked through the door when I actually EARNED my spot!"

"Fuck you, you ."

"Let's look and see if this random shit was a good idea, shall we? Atara, 1 win, 2 or 3 losses, I don't know nor care, been here 2 months give or take. She equals a Uni shot and even mentioned on Twitter it was undeserved. Jessalyn Hart, basically useless, 1 win since her return and fuck all else. She deserves a Uni shot. Seth Feder... Gone for YEARS! He's a contender for the Universal Title!? Mastermind... Losing streak himself... A cunt I've beaten. He's in the Universal picture... These absolute wastes of space get a shot at the biggest championship in the fed, they get to feed Engineer's ego and somehow I have a worst draw. I get the fucking dregs because you couldn't be arsed writing up a list that makes sense. The fucking invisible tag bracket was better than this dumb shit."

"I hope you get lung cancer and die you dumb cunt."

"Back to the cunt who just joined and now has a shot at my title which I earned that I'm defending on Warfare, a show I'm not supposed to be connected to. Fuck me, I forgot how boring new cunts are. You ever notice they all start off the same? 'So this is XWF? The Land of Xtreme.' Do everyone a favour and do the splits on a low rail you boring prick so you don't produce more talentless fucks. Why the fuck are you surprised? You signed on the dotted line, cunt, avid follower or not you get briefed on what to expect. But no, you go with the long stroke of the dick with this place is home to the best and most ruthless before going on about how YOU TOO are both really good and ruthless like every cuck who walks in not knowing a hip toss from a ring toss. Fucking I-... I fucking hate this place and the cunts it draws some times. Old mate Travis is a fighter, cunts! Not a wrestler, oh no! See he's too cool to be a professional wrestler in this wrestling company, no, the cunt's a fighter because that sounds slick! Cunt you are a soldier and spoiler, no guns in XWF, so you're basically as useful as tits on a snake."

"This cunt has two things to say."

"War is heck and he's not experienced but by gum, he'll try!"

"The cunt doesn't even have the brain to connect that BWP was a soldier. Do you know how much I would say about that cunt if I served in a war, or in Travis' case was a weekend soldier protecting an airbase in Florida? A fucking lot and this cunt knows dick all and tries less than Bob Williams working on an episode of Warfare. Yup, I'm bitter, cunt. From what you've said Private Fuckwit, I could throw some firecrackers into the ring and trigger your PTSD and pin your quivering, prone body. Shit, and you couldn't even call me out on it! Like you said you'd do whatever it takes, you're just being a hypocrite if you say what I'm doing would be cooked."

"Basically cunt, you're shit, inexperienced and really bad at this promo game which shows you'll be piss poor in the ring, the two are usually connected, and unless your hard work on the battlefield includes going 15 minutes with Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, I'm pretty sure everything you've done thus far will lead to you staring wide-eyed at the arena lights for a solid 3 seconds."

"But hey, I salute you, you fucking jarhead cunt. God bless America."

"And finally, the only cunt worth a damn in this match. Vita... What do you have to say for yourself?"



"Oh, babe, I do do be mad. Ruby has poisoned your mind! Look at you, you can't even get your title right when you share it to the XWF site! You're shaking, spluttering over your words. You're cooked, cunt. You drank the kool-aid. I get it mate, you're feeling a little lost, not sure what to do with yourself. You feel like you're floating here and you're scared! I get it, I truly do."

"Well, I don't because I'm fucking sick but I feel for you."

"But I'll tell you this now, cunt, this is the wrong way to go about changing that shit. We have had 3 matches in the past, THREE, why would you want a fourth? You forgot to mention Anarchy 6/13 where we first ever met but to be honest you were kinda like you are now, not in the right frame of mind. I've beat you twice, hun, this big tie-breaker you wanted was never going to be a thing and this isn't your fault. You're getting tricked by Ruby and Socio is trying to get you on the wrong sorta cocktails, this isn't really what you want to do. You say you're lost or feel trapped, cunt you were an amazing Xtreme Champion! You made Jessalyn Hart relevant for a brief amount of time. In my eyes you have always been a Sick Cunt and if you never felt like you were I'm sorry... I'm not gonna throw all this shit aside and be like, you fucking cunt how dare you betray me? You're my best friend, more than that really. In my mind you and Dad are on the same level, this fucking year in XWF has been the sickest because I met you, found Dad and became Television Champion. I've had a ripper time and you helped make that! I'm sorry if I couldn't make your year as sick."

"I appreciate you trying to make this match worth a damn and you've certainly made it special but why exactly me? Why not Centurion? He's the cunt you should be after, imagine it! All 3 Sick Cunts holding gold around our waists to end 2019 instead of one trying to take away the other. None of us like Cent, I'd love to see you kick his ass like you were a barbarian invading and ruining his life. That'd be gnarly! Instead, you could have caused a rift, again not all your fault but you should have thought a little longer about all this. Bourbon wants to get his hands on BWP more than anything, he would have come into this match in a heartbeat and that fucking orangutan would have made this match a little less decent than you're making it but still would have stepped it up a notch. You would have been in the running for the Hart and you would have taken home the gold, I knew you would have."

"Instead you went for the big shock and awe tactic."

"Now you've missed out because cunts like Ruby want to see you fail while they lie through their fucking teeth. That's what snakes do."

"When I saw you pop up I was pissed, believe me, I was angry. I thought this cunt is going to do to me what she did to Corey... And I'm happy that's not the case. At least I got a fair warning if that WAS the case. Vita, you're not failing at being a wrestler, you're an amazing wrestler and a fucking sick human being. You've just hit a rough patch, happens to the best of us. I may be the sickest cunt and hardest worker in the XWF but I've had my hiccups, Dad is the Xtreme Champion, briefcase holder and Hall of Legends inductee, they gave the sick cunt a ring! And even HE has hit speed bumps. What did we do? We didn't turn on each other, we didn't show up in a match to fight one another because there was an opportunity to make a surprise. No, we stuck together, we grew together and now we're thriving together."

"Just stick with us, cunt, and you'll be golden."

"If you want a 5-star match I'll give you one if that's what you want, love. If you want me to lie down so you can hold the TV title... Well, tough luck, this is my title now and you're gonna have to kick my ass for it. And no matter how great you are, I ain't losing to a girl."

I crack a smile, a genuine one.

"I love you to bits, V. Now don't pull this bullshit again."

I let out an unintentional chuckle before rubbing my chin. I exhale and slap my palms on my knees.

"Right, Noah's push is still going strong, this gold looks fucking immense around my waist. The only issue is the sexy cunt covers my Adonis belt on the way to the ring. Might cunt some lines into it... Anyway, this shit looks ripper on me and good luck to any cunt fool enough to try and take this shit off me. Despite any alliance we have, especially the best kind of alliance there is" Wink. "I'm not Big D or Thaddeus Duke or Lux or whichever cunt held this tile before them. I'm not about to give this shit up because I couldn't keep up with a bi-weekly basis, I'm not going to give this shit up over a tantrum because I don't wanna face the same cunt I beat again and I'm certainly not going to pretend I never cared about the belt after getting humiliated by a handsome Australian cunt with a big swinging dick. There are only two ways this belt is getting removed, either some dumb cunt steals it while I'm sleeping or when it gets cut off my waist during my autopsy."

"See you cunts on Christmas, me making you all relevant for 5 to 30 minutes will be the best gift you ever receive."

"..."

"Except you, V, I got us reservations at this new Italian place."

"Sickest Cunt out!"

FORMER:



W | L | D
226 | 11 | 81

Star of the Month (August 2019)
1/3 Star of the Month (January 2020) with Fuzz and our Subaru
RP of the Month (November 2019) with Big Disappointment