11-11-2013, 09:58 PM
Okay, I'm gonna be commenting on things as I go along, so points I bring up and questions I have may be answered later on without me noticing, lol. With that in mind, let me dive in.
Love the concept, dislike the setup - Okay, a look into what made Michael Radio into who he is today. Love this fucking concept to death, but I can't say the same for the setup. I guess I understand the reasoning behind him sitting here and telling the story, not unlike how he is the narrator of the BOMR series (if I interpreted that all right, at least) and told it as if it was his recounting. I really never liked that. It just seemed all too clean and polished to be the narration of an at the very least somewhat PTSDed soldier (all the shit he's gone through, yeah, there's gotta be some PTSD there). Onto the actually story now.
The first line of the actual story: This is what I mean! - I love this first line, because it really sets out Radio's ego in a way I don't think I've seen from the BOMR series. You don't just develop an ego like that overnight, and him looking back at his past like he was always a badass makes the ego much more believeable!
Dead sister? Kinky. Not really doe. - The ages they were when Samantha died makes it painstakingly obvious that he likely wouldn't remember a whole lot about her, so the lack of real information other than the soldieresque way of evaluating someone (which I feel I'll get to later) really fuels this insight in a way that might've been unintentional.
Father was only so in genetics. - Okay, the first line of dialogue in this piece drew me in pretty hard. Addressing his father as such, shows a more refined sense of respect, making it seem that rather than seeing him as his dad, Michael saw him as a superior, less personal but more "respectable". Once more, a small thing that seems more unintentional than not that helps paint this picture of a severely fucked up family.
Here's where I read too deeply into things, probably because it clashes with my style - First line of dialogue from Radio's father, last bit. "you know that place you've always dreamt of going." Because it would seem irrelevant for a military man especially to relay things both parties already know, it seems more like he's trying to force the decision on his son. So far, this piece is keeping me into it.
Worried for reputation rather than show remorse for his actions. What a douchebag. - Okay, I fucking loathe this guy. Mission accomplished.
That last paragraph is like the first, dislike this. - I thought the very end summarizing the rest kinda shut down the possibility for an expansion into the realm of his childhood being raised by Farenfield and his friendship with Shawn. Oh well.
Other thoughts - Not gonna get on your for typos and errors, because you did do it on your phone. However, I think there are points where you can cut out needless dialogue like when he told his father that his mother takes care of him when he's alone and whatnot. Also, I think working on word choice and cutting down on redundancy is something that would really benefit you in the long run.
All in all, I think this is probably the best piece of yours I've read yet, and seeing the way you've improved, it's really only the start. Just keep on improving, week by week, tweak a few things, and you'll be unstoppable sooner rather than later.
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