http://xwf99.com/showthread.php?tid=5285

i would like feedback on this role play, it would be greatly appreciated

Quote:XWF camera’s last saw Death Merchant, Night Rider and myself off to a local bar where XWF is going to be for Warfare. I did hang out with Merchant and Rider for a while before heading back to the hotel after getting off his motorcycle while I am walking into the lobby while my mind goes into another flashback.

I'd re-write this part into something more clean and simple:

When we last saw Matt Ward, he was with Death Merchant and Night Rider at a bar in San Diego, California. This bar was conveniently located about six miles from the venue of Wednesday Warfare. After downing a couple of beers with his fellow A.O.D. members, Ward decided that he was done for the night and took his Harley back to the hotel. As he stumbled across the lobby of the hotel building, a flashback suddenly overtook him.


It's not perfect, but I think it accomplishes what you initially said in an easier to read format.

Quote:The scene is back in the apartment of Christine Nash back when we were in Ultimate Supremacy Wrestling. People in the company didn't like me so they the Apartment I was staying at while in USW rigged to have a so called an electrical fire, Christine was nice enough to be their for me when I was at my lowest.

You gotta look over the stuff you write because some of it doesn't make sense. But in this instance, I would change some of the wording around to something like this:

The flashback takes us back to during Matt Ward's stay with Ultimate Supremacy Wrestling. Matt is in the back room of Christine Nash's apartment. He stayed with Christine Nash due to the fact that the USW talent had it out for him. They actually tried to rig Matt Ward's apartment to explode while he was sleeping. Needless to say, Matt had to find a safer place to stay at for the time being. When Matt had no where else to go, Christine Nash was there for him.

Again, I don't know your character's story that well so this isn't perfect. There are a whole lot of details you can throw in there since you know the full story. Maybe the apartment exploded while you were taking a dump and you had to jump out of a window in your thong. However, I think the way I have re-written this is more clear/organized.


I could go on this way with the rest of your RP, but I think you understand what I'm getting at. Your intentions are well and you have some interesting ideas out there, but they just need some fine-tuning so that we understand the story that you're trying to tell us.

Basically, I think you just need to re-read your stuff and re-organize the thoughts that you have written down. It's not something that's gonna come to you over night, you just gotta keep practicing. Typing your RPs in Microsoft Word or running a grammar and spell check would help you A LOT.

I also suggest looking up online some ways to organized sentences and avoiding run-on sentences. English is a pain to write, there's still shit that I mess up on from time to time. You'll get better with practice though.

Thanks my word processor spell check sucks, but i appreciate the feedback on the roleplay.