In the past I have used the OOC space to get things off my chest since I'm not so good at verbalizing what I'm feeling or thinking. There have been people that thought that I used this space to seek praise or sympathy and that has never been the case and isn't today.

I'm a pretty emotional guy, especially the last handful of years. This space becomes an outlet for me when my emotions are high like when I lost my grandmother several years ago, or last year when I won the Uni. This is one of those times. I'll preface again by saying I'm not seeking sympathy. It's appreciated, and I'm happy you care, but it's not necessary. Most already know (thanks Dylan) and have reached out as it is.

For a long time from about 17 until about the age of 34, my father was like my best friend. We fixed cars together for friends and family more as a hobby than anything else. We drank together, discussed dreams and aspirations together, talked about our failing relationships together. He was the one that got me into gambling (thanks for the compulsiveness trait dad.) He was more of a friend than a dad most of the time. We spent a LOT of time together.

A few years ago our relationship changed and I'm not going into details about why, but we never really recovered and I never forgave him. There was a point where I hadn't seen nor spoke to him in a year. Despite that, I was his enabler when he left his wife to go back to my mother after being divorced for I think it was 33 years (they divorced when I was 2). They both moved into my house.

My dad was a blue collar man his whole life and he always had dreams of bigger and better things. He just never could figure out how to break through. He lived a lot of his life entirely miserable and sometimes hard to be around because he wanted more out of life but couldn't ever figure out how to achieve it.

That said, and while all of his kids had our doubts, when he got back with my mother... we'd never seen him happier or more content. Her neither.

I remember being scared to death to come out to him and tell him I was bisexual and he looked at me and was like "Why the fuck would I care? My best friend was gay." Oh yeah, good point dad.

My mom called me Tuesday morning crying and sobbing. All I could make out was the word "dad" and I thought she was telling me my grandfather passed away. She always called him dad even when my parents were apart all those years. My sister in law grabbed the phone from her and told me my dad passed away at home in his sleep around 8 AM. His snoring woke my mom up. She let the dog (Jack) out and back in. Jack, as usual, went to wake up my dad but he didn't respond. In ten minutes he went from snoring to gone. That quick. Obviously I was shocked, stunned, etc etc etc. But I felt nothing but numbness at the time. It wasn't "real" until I got to the ER and saw him laying there in the bed with a tube still in his mouth.

Odd thing is I was talking to Jim and Dylan about loss on Monday and how I still had both of my parents but I could identify with their sense of emptiness and feeling lost when my grandmother passed.

I really should've knocked on wood!

When you're 20, 61 years old seems an eternity away and sounds old. When you're pushing 40, 61 really isn't that old. We lead busy lives, but call your parents, your brothers, your sisters, whomever. You never know when tomorrow isn't coming for them, or even for you. Just make time for those you love because time eventually stops and death waits for no one.

Tonight, I'll see my dad for the last time and I'm not ready. No matter how much we think we are, we never really are.

Peace, love to you all.

-Thad