The Commissioner's Office

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Mark Flynn Offline

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#200

04-18-2022, 03:09 PM

Clinton stands up out of his lawn chair. Not immediately, it takes a few tries, but eventually he gets there.

"People of the court, slash business office where business is conducted."

Clinton reaches into his briefcase to obtain a pair of clip-on suspenders, which he attaches to his suit, then stretches out from his chest with his hands.

"I may be an old-fashioned country lawyer, from deep in the southern wilds of Battle Creek, Michigan."

Author's Note: Michigan is like the northernmost central state...

"But even I know when a fifty cent argument has been dressed in a five dollar suit!"

Clinton smacks his hand down on the table for emphasis. It only buckles a little bit. Good material.

"Mister Graves, my opposing counselor, expects you to believe that Vita Valenteen, because she's lost a handful of matches in her lengthy, accomplishment-heavy XWF career, that the only way she could have beaten his client, Big Money Oswald, is a grandiose conspiracy between Vita Valenteen and Sarah Lacklan. And thus, he seeks to PROVE beyond a reasonable doubt that Big Money Oswald is guilty of neither libel NOR slander, because truth is an absolute defense against defamation."

Clinton sticks his finger in the air.

"However! I also brought evidence! I would like to present EXHIBIT B!"

Clinton throws an envelope at the wall that the two lawyer characters seem to have decided is the judge...

EXHIBIT B:

”If we’re going to air our client’s dirty laundry, I’d like to submit into evidence, for the approval of the Midnight Society, Big Money Oswald’s (possibly incomplete) match record.”

”Now, a lesser attorney might simply use this record to point and laugh that Oswald has lost to the THUGS, Terry Borden and Joey Oddjobs!”

…

Clinton stifles a laugh, coughing to cover it up.

”However! I’d like to recommend the court that if you BELIEVE Counselor Graves’ narrative… You’d be led to believe that Sarah Lacklan has a bias against Big Money Oswald! Hence, her willingness to conspire against him! …Were that the case, my friends, WHY ON EARTH WOULD OSWALD HAVE BEEN A DOUBLE CHAMPION UNDER HER COMMISSIONERSHIP!?!”

The assembled office gallery gasps at the hole pointed out in Graves’ logic.

”WHY! Would Oswald have held the Billion Dollar Championship AND the Anarchy Belt, under Lacklan's management? The reason for this incongruency is simple, my astute audience. There is NO collusion. There is NO conspiracy. You’ll find noted in evidence, not only has Oswald occasionally won matches against the best and lost matches against the… not-best. But he’s also attacked his opponents after certain matches. He’s attacked his teammates after certain matches. And he’s attacked officials after certain matches.”

Clinton points at Graves.

”Again, Opposing Counsel wants you to believe that the only logical explanation for Oswald attacking an official and drawing a disqualification is a Vampire Conspiracy! But Oswald attacks people, like, ALL THE TIME.”

Clinton guffaws, and stretches his suspenders with his thumbs.

”Now, is my client a vampire? Yes.”

”Has she consumed the blood of other living people, potentially human, possibly innocent, to sustain her lifeforce? I’d be a fool if I assumed no!”

”BUT! She is not on trial for being a vampire!”

…

”...Right?”

Clinton opens up his briefcase and checks his notes. He nods.

”Correct! This is a defamation/libel/slander case! The way Counselour Graves has presented his case, he seeks to demonstrate there is no way Vita Valenteen could ever beat Big Money Oswald without a conspiracy at play!”

Clinton reaches over and grabs Graves’ own exhibit A!

”But the facts don’t lie! Miss Valenteen beat John Black AND Tommy Wish in 2019! Well before Lacklan was a commissioner! And in the same timeframe, AGAIN, before Lacklan was commissioner, Oswald lost a tag-match against Black and Wish, while paired with a very capable Barney Green!”

”In 2019, Miss Valenteen defeated a former XWF World Heavyweight Champion in Tristan Slater AND Lux in singles matches!”

“Now, does my client win every match? No. But her record, PRESENTED BY COUNSELOR GRAVES HIMSELF, indicates every likelihood that she’d be fierce competition for Big Money Oswald, and the fact that Oswald presents that she is partaking in a conspiracy to further her career HAS damaged her reputation and mental health as an up-and-coming XWFer!”

”Don’t let Big Money Oswald and his legal counsel, with their fancy 24-pack and $100 gift card salary, bamboozle you into supporting their faulty narratives! Find Oswald guilty! And sentence him to fighting my client in a Last Man Standing Match!”

With that, Clinton takes off his clippable suspenders and puts them back in his briefcase.

He retrieves a hat out of his briefcase and puts it on his head to tip towards Graves.

He then puts the hat back in his briefcase and retakes his seat in the lawn chair.