http://xwf99.com/showthread.php?tid=5379
wanted to know What you guys and girls thought of my BOMR IV Ending. Things I should change for the fifth instalment of Ballad of Mr. Radio.

Okay, this is something I've been seeing for a while, but couldn't put my finger on the wording of the issue. Now, this probably won't even be the best wording possible, but I hope it's enough to make the issue clear.

It feels like you're giving us the story, and not the characters. However, the characters are what makes you care about the story, not very much in the realm of vice versa. For example, this line: I told Shawn to take Bloodlust and go left. I would take Gunnar and Krios with me

Okay, could you have maybe put the dialogue in there? Not just what inevitably came about because of the discussion, but the actual discussion itself. That's the easiest way to really demonstrate traits of a character, and in turn, get people invested in the characters so that they will in turn get invested in the overarching story that you're writing.