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We’re treated to a slow motion b-roll that exudes the joyous gaiety of 70s disco. The footage has a vintage feel, enhanced by the jubilant tunes of Earth, Wind and Fire harmonizing with the colorful visuals.

Misty Waters appears, a black bandana securing her ginger wig, her radiant smile reflecting in her pink ski goggles. The silent footage catches her breaking into dance in the XWF Headquarters parking lot. She grooves and twists on the toes of her designer boots, her fur lined cape swinging open while she waves her pointed arms up and down in the air.

Her newly stolen XWF Xtreme Championship glowing in the groovy atmosphere from around her waist. A gilded testament to the craftiness and ruthlessness of one half of the Misty-Madison dream team. And also a testament to the unabashed stupidity of Corey Black. Cry harder on Twitter.

Misty leaps into the air, clicking her heels together, her face still lit with awe and laughter. She runs in slow motion toward a parked limousine, winding her arms as if cranking a large wheel. At the limousine's door stands Paulie, his hands falling away from his mouth as his gaping expression turns into a delighted grin, leaping into the air alongside her.

We’re shown the sunroof of the limo opening, a female's arms come rising out shaking a bottle of champagne above a blond head wearing a cowboy hat. It’s Madison Dyson

But not the Madison Dyson we’ve been used to seeing on TV recently.



She’s returned to her old form. The way XWF audiences have known her since she broke onto the scene managing The Engineer, the better part of a decade ago. Madison laughs hysterically,  You did it you, crazy bitch! popping the cork and spraying down the three of them in a shower of bubbly. They’re all as jubilant as Democrats finding out that Biden was dropping out of the presidential race. 

It seems as if this alt-right match made in hell, Misty Waters and Madison Dyson is already a thing of beauty. The two of them basking in their unexpected victory while on the road to an even larger prize, That’s cus the Madness never ends, baby! The scene speeds back up, the colorful theatrics falling back to reality as Misty and Paulie rejoin Madison in the limousine. Still hanging out of the sunroof, Madison guzzles down the champagne bottle and shatters it on the pavement as the vehicle peels off.

Inside the limo, the party rages on, endless champagne, cocaine, let your imagination do its worst.

See, this is what I’ve been tellin’ you from the beginning, Maddy!

Misty pulls a bottle of champagne from her lips, alcohol spilling down on her neck

It was sure fire to work!

These wrestlers polluting the XWF these days are a bunch of goddamn self absorbed candy asses too busy wanking themselves off over “safe space” this and “play nice” that to pay attention to what’s going on around them. Too worried about being bullied on Twitter to recognize the dangers of being a snowflake bitch in a wrestling organization as fierce as the XWF.

Madison snorts loudly, running her face up silver mirror platter in her lap three times, then pulling her head back, holding one nostril as the cocaine runs back through her sinuses. 

OOOOH! GOD DAMN GIRL!

She hands the platter of neatly lined rails of cocaine back to Misty, who leans forward and trades her new tag team partner the bottle of bubbly.

I thought you were fucking crazy! I mean not that-

Madison gazes upon the wig donning Dolly who’s presently inhabited by the spirit of her sixty-something year old grandmother, and then examines her present company: Paulie, the overweight slimeball wrestling promoter, and Dick Spectacular- Misty’s latest AI offering produced by THE SEERS machine-  Dick has an uncanny resemblance to male-victimhood philosopher, Andrew Tate. Outside of the weird third eyeball that’s half sunken into his cheek, they’re identical.

-not that crazy is a bad thing! Dyson chuckles with a wild unease- then slaps Dick Spectacular on the chest, Crazy got me back in my old body! And crazy got us this hunk of a liberal tear fiend!

So, just a quick recap. Yes, Madison is back in her former body thanks to Misty’s SEER AI machine, and the body jumping ritual that Misty used to occupy Dolly. Dick Spectacular is yet another of the many AI humanoids that Misty has crafted to sacrifice to her dark unlords. We’ve seen week after week, her feeding these poor, unsuspecting, lobotomized-like AI humans to a literal demon beast. It’s all sorta’ reminiscent of the great and sudden fall for this new crop of XWF talent. Imitation type wrestlers, standing around with their mouths agape catching flies while piling up losses to the real talent in the federation. But for Dick Spectacular, he’s going to be served up to a new master, and for a new purpose.
I’m obliged to tell you that women are not fit to be indulging in drugs and alcohol this way- Dick looks tense, and doesn’t appear to be enjoying the festivities at all, It’s widely accepted that women overall, and even most men are inferior to the likes of men like me, because men like me possess higher mental faculties, with a rugged quiet confidence. I’m both an intellectual, and a proud sexist, did you know that sexism actually benefits women?

WOW! What a sigma hunk!

Well, I think that’s a great attitude! Misty snorts up the remaining lines on the platter, Plus you got the whole innuendo name thing going She clicks her tongue and sucks at her teethYer’ gonna’ have the opportunity to be of full benefit to a woman!

And not just any woman! The soon to be- most powerful woman in the world!

Power and wo-Dick looks as if he’s gagging on the next word Power and wo- his face twists and contorts Power and wo-

What the hell is a matter with him? He looks like any normal human trying to recite a Vic Vernacular promo

Oh, he just can’t say power and women in the same sentence, it’s doubtful that his mind ever considered the two as synonymous.

Well, he’s going to be perfect for what our new client is looking for then…

Soon after

 
The limo arrives in Butler, PA just in time for-

“TAKE ER’ COUNTRY BACK!”

“GODDAMN RIGHT! THIS’ GODS LAND!”

-a Donald Trump rally?

Sloppy, flat faced, and fat bellied alpha males, stinking of concrete dust, whiskey and artificial fishing lures march in rows alongside the limousine, on their way to the rally gates. A swarm of Secret Service flags the vehicle and surrounds it- escorting it on foot for a slow drive through the crowd, behind the stage area and to an all black touring bus.

Sooo - Misty and Madison look a tad bewildered after a long drive of partying, - I guess I don’t know why she of all people wants to meet us here…
Well, this is the same place Trump was shot last month. Maybe she’s a REAL bad bitch, and ready to finish the job!

The limo stops in front of the tour bus, along with the secret service agents. The agents turn curtly to the bus as its door unlatches. One of the agents swiftly grabs for the door handle of Misty and Madison’s limo, and swings it open as the tour bus door swings open in unison. And out walks-

No. Just no. Dick says while looking through the limo window at who’s stepping of from the tour bus Kamala Harris, is a woman who is running to be President of The United States- a woman, especially a multiracial woman, doesn’t not have the cognitive abilities to be President. You heard that right, Dick who sounds like he’s reciting an alt-right wiki fact sheet, and the whole crew in the limo are watching the presumptive Democrat nominee, Kamala Harris exit the tour bus and make her way to the limo. Harris looks as radiant as ever, a glowing energized smile that's ready to light the pathway for victory in November, carrying the torch for a new generation of leadership.

Kamala Harris enters the limo, smiling still, she quickly shakes everyone's hand and takes a seat

Now who’s ready to lose this election! Kamala shouts excitedly, sounding like she’s on the stump, with her familiar cadence

You have no choice but to lose- Dick’s tone is flat, fast and aggressive -you’re a woman. You cannot be allowed to lead this country

Ah! Kamala looks pleased This must be the offering I’ve sent for! She points at the angry looking Dick Spectacular, And he’s perfect! her tone light and joyful, as she turns to Misty and Madison So you must be Ms. Waters, and Ms. Dyson. You two do great work, tremendous really

You’re trying to emasculate western society! Making men submissive and weak.

Dick stands firm, looking closed off entirely to the prospect of being offered to Kamala Harris,

Oh, would you quit crying like a bitch?

Well, I gotta’ say it- I totally misjudged you Kamala!

Madison laughs,

Yeah! Exactly, same here!

We thought you were just liberal scum!
Nope, just good old fashioned fascist scum!

Lies! Kamala Harris is a communist, her father a devout student of marxist theory, which multiples her already problematic nature of being a woman, and biracial.

Yeah, since when have you been such a blue blooded patriot?

Don’t you remember me, ladies? When I killed those damn Democrats?! I talked just…like…THIIIIISSSS!

Slowly, the voice of Kamala Harris is subverted by a very familiar male voice. And then, her body begins to quake and undulate, as though something from within is yearning to bust out. And, well, thats basically what’s happening. It’s hard to put into words the exact nature of the horror we’re bearing witness to. I guess….uhhhhh….hey, remember that scene in Total Recall where Arnold takes off the fat lady mask? Think about that, but in reverse. Because somehow, in defiance of all laws of physics and biology, Kamala starts shedding her skin and growing immeasurably FATTER as she does so. The Kamala suit sloughs off slowly, revealing a glistening, paunchy, pink shaded caucasian hide beneath. This mass of flesh is greased up like a pig, and as DONALD TRUMP sheds his disguise, we’re beholden to moist slapping and ripping sounds that are disgusting to the point of nigh incomprehension. Madison starts to dry heave and Misty looks on, dead eyed and far away. But still the abject horror continues as Donald busts out like the world’s most repugnant muffin top, his gut slipping ponderously forth from the skin suit, breaking out like water from a ruptured dam. Except the water is the cellulose laden lard of a morbidly obese man coated in grease.

When what can be described as the sheerest form of eye poison finally ends, the Kamala suit is cast off like a viper’s shed skin, and Donald Trump is standing in Kamala’s place, nude except for a barely there thong bearing the image of his own face on the ass. A blob of grease falls off one of his fat rolls and plops on the ground. That’s the point at which Madison, finally and copiously, vomits.

Misty, still agog, looks on at the Donald. Wait, so….was it….was it YOU this entire time?!

Donald scoffs. Of course not. I have the real KAmAlA tied up out back. hitting the hard As,

Oh. Well, now it makes much more sense why “Kamala” hired us as consultants.

That’s right ladies. We’re going to tank the Harris campaign, it’s going to be tremendous, really. And now I have KAmAlA’s perfect running mate. Donald sits next to Dick Spectacular, patting his hand on Dick’s knee and gently grasping it, making everyone feel uncomfortable. Donald Trump schooches even closer to Dick and looks over to Misty and Madison-

You two are great patriots, you know that? And you’re going to be rewarded, very, very handsomely. Professional wrestling is a big- big deal to you me, you know that about me? We can’t let these rats, these weak, lady-like men in wrestling poison the bloodline of our country anymore. It’s too important- the conservative lifeline feeds off of wrestling. So we have to defeat them, it’s plain and simple. While he’s speaking, Donald continues to massage on Dick’s knee, more intensely with each word When we destroy KAmAlA’s campaign for president, you two will be the flag bearers in the XWF, making her and those beta males who are infecting this country look badly, big time, in front of your very poor and uneducated audiences. 

Well, I thought you were more in line for a literal stroke, not a stroke of genius, Mr. President!

I know! It’s brilliant, we’ll subvert the XWF invasion of these flour-mouthed twitter betas, once and for all!

With me in control of both major campaigns, you two will have all of the necessary resources at your disposal for continued success. We literally can’t lose the election, and now all that’s left to do is manipulate public opinion. By the time we’re done, the whole country will be MAGA.

It’s amazing how things so counterintuitive can be, well, countered for their own sake. Take one look at the XWF today, and you see a wrestling federation that continues to elevate the same type of wrestler who’s dragging the ratings down. One carbon copy pushing this godless brand of contrived self fellatio after the other. Just like the American public voting against their own interests. It’s like a drug, these higher-ups and these wrestlers are addicted to the stale tastes their own cocks leave in their mouths.

These wordy, and affluent liberal types, without a shred of sustenance or character- boring the pure blooded wrestling fans right into the grave. Killing the business! They think that copying the same old “I’m a sassy Twitter warrior who won titles in some federation no one ever heard of” is the ticket to success. It skyrockets them to the top of the cards, sure, but only because there’s a rot, deep within the industry. Management thinks that signing the biggest social media darlings, these clowns obsessed only with their own image, will somehow refill the very coffers that they’re actively draining. The proof is everywhere. Just like at the XWF’s recent PPV history- they’re some of the lowest viewed programs in company history!

Why? Well take no further look than the type of people who’ve been headlining these cards.

The Schoolyard Bullshitters are more of the same.

Just like that doofus Corey Black- elevated and protected by management, and still the guy couldn’t focus on anything other than his phone long enough to get pinned by “the 12th ranked wrestler” per ELO. These are the types of people who are being pushed on the wrestling world- in what seems like a sure fire conspiracy for the XWF to euthanize itself.

Maidson, imagine had you and I not put our names down to tag-team for this Warfare

People like Vic and Henry likely would’ve been booked for the tag titles! And they’re just more of the same- these foul replicas of brutally intellectual tough guys, who have “hidden” emotional issues that they can’t seem to shut up about.

Do you think the average wrestling fan gives a fuck about James Joyce allusions? These are hard working alcoholics living on food stamps, and you want to flaunt that you read at a college level? And then speak to these people in a way that sounds like yer’ a fucking space-alien in disguise who’s only just learned all of the english language at once? My fucking AI clones sound more natural than these people!

It’s not that people like the schoolyard bullies don’t know their audience, they just don’t care. As long as one or two people think they’re witty then they can flex that they’re smarter than the average Republican voter, as if that isn’t a bar that’s already buried deep within the dirt-

Misty eyes Trump, No offense, Mr. President but it doesn’t seem as if The Donald is even listening, in fact, he appears to have dozed off but is still grasping Dick’s knee in his sleep. 

But you’re right! Just think about these two that we’re facing…

“Vic Vernacular”. It’s alliterative. I get it. Heh.

Well Vic, I tell ya what. Let’s set the clocks back a little bit. And let’s pick up a shovel while we’re at it. Because we’re gonna dig us up an oldie and not so goodie.

You see, Vic, there used to be this guy in the XWF called Jim Caedus. And Jim was kind of like you. Cutting these brash, overly verbose promos that made the plebes cream their jeans because “OMG BIG WORDS! FAST TALKING! ATTITUDE!”. But cut down a couple layers and it became clear that ol’ Jimbo’s particular brand of promo was just a manifestation of a deep and abiding insecurity. Seriously, the guy was the most deeply insecure motherfucker in the XWF and that’s saying something considering Thad “Whore Myself Out Over My Whole Show” Duke is a thing. Yes Vic that’s right, Jim, like you, was an epic level try hard.

Now you might be saying “aren’t we supposed to try hard”?  Well sure. But there’s a chasm of difference between “trying hard” and “ being a try hard”. And you, Vic, are the biggest try hard in the whole promotion now that Jim Caedus has elevated his game to, well, whatever dumpster he’s currently smoking crack rock in.

Now I’m sure you’re already sputtering and mewling that you’re not a try hard. To wit, I present, exhibit A.

Quote:It is a boring person to peer at what I do and look at it as lesser, to peer the facade I don and see it as an outright lie instead of an extension of myself that I bring to its logical extreme.

“There are no lesser mediums, just lesser parasites who weigh any form down. It takes true ascension and awareness of the depths of the form that shows its potential. If we were to judge the written word by its pulp entries, by its weakest wordsmiths, then literature would be no higher on the totem, relegated to sleezy behind-the-counter purchases as one takes home a book with the same kind of shame one looks at much smut.

Like, what the fuck does any of that even mean? Anyone who isn’t some easily impressed imbecile sees right through that dreck for the complete meaningless tripe that it is. Do you even know what half those words mean? Or are you just a vomiting thesaurus exposing his whole ass for the world to see? “Peer the facade I don” motherfucker NO ONE TALKS LIKE THAT. At least, no one who’s meant to be taken seriously.

But these are just words, right? It doesnt have any bearing on who you are as a competitor, right?

Wrong.

Because anyone so weak willed, so dreadfully and pitifully self-conscious, that they speak like that and think it sounds GOOD, must be some as yet unforeseen shade of abject failure. A level of embarrassing self-effacing incompetence so extreme that it’s no wonder you shit the bed in your first chance at stardom.

So, because I think we need it after that display, here is some refreshingly simple VERNACULAR for us all.

Vic, YOU SUCK. You suck shit straight from a gaped asshole. You suck with the force of a thousand thousand black holes. And even though Henry is the Lennie Smalls to your George Milton that doesn’t make him the bigger source of shame on your team.

You feel me? Yeah bitch, I know you do.

Oh, and Henry? Don’t think I forgot about you, hon. By the way that was an Of Mice and Men reference because I just KNOW that shit sailed straight over your head.

So here’s the deal, Henry. While you might not be the biggest source of shame on your team, your still a pretty big failure in your own right. After all, you did get showed up by Vic at Leap of Faith. And considering ya boi is basically budget Eminem that’s, uh, pretty goddamn sad.

In the run up to Leap of Faith you said that it’s only when you’re fighting that the world makes sense to you. That it’s like therapy to you. So what exactly does it say for you that when you’re in your most zen of moments you screw the pooch harder than Joe Biden trying to have a coherent thought? I mean, you had all this big talk about breaking limits, about pushing yourself. Is that what it looks like when you exert maximum effort? Granted, Peter Vaughn is a former Universal Champion. But he also hasn’t set foot in an XWF ring for a hot minute, which means he’s probably been lazing about beating scrubs at some indy mud show before his return at Leap of Faith. In short, the guy certainly wasn’t training himself up facing top tier competition for the last year. And the other guys in that match? Resident joke performer Bulk Logan and wholescale nobody Bob Grenier.

That shit should have been a rout for you Henry, what with you being all “rough and tumble” as you are. Instead, it was one of the most underwhelming debuts in recent XWF memory.

Can we conclude that 1+1=0 in this case? Oh I think it's safe to do so. The Schoolyard Bullies amount to a big ol goose egg this early into their careers. And frankly, I just don't see that stock rising any higher.

And that’s because we’re around to snuff these new sensations before they even pick up any steam. In any other time, any scenario XWF would catapult these two straight for the top- only they’re being catapulted into the big, beautiful MAGA-made wall that is Misty Waters and Madison Dyson. Competitors who are genuinely interested in winning, by any means necessary, and know what it takes to fill up arenas. 

For way too long, people like the Schoolyard Bullies have been given an auto-bid into contention- yeeeaah- while the true patriots of the wrestling industry have been ignored and forgotten! Well, on Warfare that all changes. These “classless” MAGA girls, are gonna’ outclass these pseudo-intellectuals who the XWF just LOVES- and we’re going take this company back, and give it back to the REAL Americans!

“YEAH! TRUMP TRAIN!”

“SEMPER FI!!!”

“LOCK HER UP!”

Outside of the limo, the MAGA crowd is growing stronger- eagerly awaiting-

“Mr. President?” a member of the security detail opens the limo door “It’s nearly time for your speech.”

Trump startles awake, and pats on Dick Spectacular’s leg with a smile Ok- he says, Let’s get KAmAlA’s new running mate comfortable in the bus- you ladies have a direct line to me looking up at Misty and Madison again but I’ll be in touch soon. The DNC is in a few weeks, and that’s where the real work will begin.

Trump awkwardly grabs Dick Spectacular’s hand, and starts leading him out of limo

godspeed, Dick Spectacular. You go show em’ all why liberals suck- take those losses like a champ!

Yeah! Meanwhile these women will be saving professional wrestling from these pretend internet sigma males.

2x KWA Unified Southern Glory Champion
6x KWA Middleweight Champion
4x KWA Tag Team Champion
1x XWF XTreme Champion


-Dumb Dolly records that no one cares about-

3x XTreme Champion
2x Tag Team Champion (w/ Vita Valenteen, w/ Charlie Nickles)
2x Hart Champion
3x Television Champion

3x Star Of The Month
August ‘21, May ‘17, October ‘16

3x RP Of The Month
What light through sonder... my perception breaks.
Tranquility: For Old Times Sake
Manifest Victory