It was times like this that Corey realized he missed the snow. The gentle beauty of seeing everything cast in white, the oddly mesmeric way it tumbled down from the heavens. With Christmas right around the corner, the thought weighed on him even heavier. He wondered how much it would cost to set up a series of artificial snow machines all about Coreytopia’s campus to bring some of that holiday cheer home.
In other words, he was doing anything he could to avoid thinking about Dolly Waters.
Dolly, his one time friend who had turned to the proverbial darkside. Dolly had let her baser instincts run wild, and they had stopped talking altogether after Corey won the Universal Championship by beating her and Raion Kido. But now, despite the lack of thought he willed into it, Corey was a man on a mission.
He was coming home to put things right with Dolly before riding off for good in search of his lover Pan once more.
But uncertainty gnawed at him. Would Dolly be the way he left her? Would she reject his overture of an olive branch? Would she just laugh in his face? The grim possibilities whorled inside Corey’s minds eye like a cyclone. And given the stress of trying to find Pan, he wasn’t sure he could stand another setback. Certainly not one he had pledged himself to willingly.
So, at least for the length of this Uber ride, he was trying to avoid thinking about it. Trying to avoid thinking about Pan too. Trying to…
…wait, what?
![[Image: Custom-Parking-Fees-Sign-from-MyParkingSign.png]](https://www.myparkingsign.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/Custom-Parking-Fees-Sign-from-MyParkingSign.png)
He almost missed the sign nailed to the front of Coreytopia’s gate. But there it was. A fee for parking sign? Strange. Nevertheless, the gate parted and Corey’s Uber traversed the threshold into Coreytopia. It wasnt long before he was sidling up next to the prodigious main staircase where Joachim was waiting to greet him. Corey wasted no time getting out of the car, forgetting his bags entirely as he raced up the steps to embrace Joachim in a hug.
Too long, man. Corey enthused.
It’s good to see you too, Corey.
Corey released the hug, but kept Joachim’s arms grasped in his hands.
How is everything going?
Joachim smiled.
Like I told you on the phone, everything has been just fine. Don’t worry. And I’m sorry you haven’t found Pan yet.
Yeah, I had to talk the Neverlanders down from stringing me up. But thank you. I know I’ll find him. I have to. But Corey’s determined tone gave way to befuddlement.
Hey, was that a parking fee sign on the gate?
Joachim laughed lightly.
Oh yeah! But don’t worry I’ll validate your parking.
I…uh…ok…? Corey muttered, still quite confused. But Joachim cut him off before he could press further.
There’s a surprise waiting for you in the greenhouse.
A surprise?
Yeah. And I told everybody else to give you guys some space.
“You guys”?
Just go see. Joachim stepped back from Corey and ventured into the house, leaving the mystery hanging in the air. Corey paused for a moment before making his way round back of the house, stopping for a time to admire the handiwork of the contractors who had put right what Thunder Knuckles tried to burn to the ground. Soon enough, the green house came into view. And oddly enough it seemed vacant. Usually at this time of day it was flush with Coreytopians tending to the plantlife within. Corey stepped through the front door, and saw a young woman with his back to him, gazing at some lilies. She turned around, and Corey’s mouth hung open in surprise.
Dolly…?
Well, well, well…if it ain’t the Thugs. Those rascally professed outsiders that nobody seems to know what to do with. Slap that on a t-shirt and merch it baby.
But all kidding aside, you guys have built your own little legacy here in the XWF. I acknowledge that. And you’ve amassed quite a collection of championships. Well, some of you have.
But me and Dolly? Boys, we walk with a limp ‘cuz….Corey grins mischievously….our titles heavy! Yes sorry to say gents but it’s true, Dolly and I’s combined championship pog collection outshines yours by quite a bit. Which leads to my next point. Tommy, if you wanted to make a splash post “death of Tommy Wish” (which lasted not even a week, right? And people say MY retirements don’t last!) why in the fifty shades of hell did you pick John Black instead of Reggie Estrada? You know, three time XTreme champion Reggie Estrada? You’re the most decorated of your lot Tommy, but Reggie’s a not too shabby second. So what’s with the “third is the turd” selection in John Black?
Corey looks dead on at the camera.
Look John, I know you’ve got a rep around here. But if we’re being honest, it’s kind of a hollow one. You really don’t have much in the way of actual achievements to speak of. And unfortunately for you, unlike some promotions, we don’t have a championship for “just being there”. In short, you are grossly, grossly outclassed here my man. And there’s no amount of fringe outsider coolness that can make up for being drastically mediocre.
Because…gents…you are in the ring with DOLLY WATERS and COREY SMITH. And we earned those all capitals that I definitely spoke our names as. Our combined output is 1 Universal championship, 4 XTreme championships, 3 TV championships, 3 tag team championships (I decree Madness does not count, sorry Thad, so you boys ironically have NONE), 2 Hart championships and a Supercontinental Championship.
Ruh roh.
So I dare say…I DARE SAY…you boys are in a teeny bit of hot water here. Dolly, tell them what else they’ve won.
Well Corey, how bout’ an all expenses paid trip down memory lane!?
A rocky, yet humbling, and eye-opening adventure that would lead even the most vapid, and aweless, brain rotted “gangsters” to reflect on their terrible life choices.
It’s a grand prize that’s truly priceless for our contestants!
Afterall, who can put a price tag, or estimate a value for the blunt-force trauma and subsequent brain damage that Tommy Wish and John Black have been awarded over the years? How could you sell an opportunity to learn? To grow? To improve? To use the constant experiences of constant failures as an invaluable reminder of how not to do things? You couldn’t… you wouldn’t!
But they have, time and again.
Three times, Dolly Waters has faced off against the THUGS in tag team competition, and could you take a guess how many times they’ve got one over on moi?
This is a layup. An easy answer folks.
Like a shopping-crazed old lady drenched in hairspray and cigarette smoke running down to the Price is Right stage to prove she can keep trends of inflation.
If you guessed zero times, then yer’ right!
DING! DING! DING!
We’ve got us some big winners fer’ certain. Dolly smirks for the camera
But unfortunately for the THUGS, their prize is a two on two rendezvous with two of the most potently talented wrestlers to ever grace an XWF ring, and you boys? Well, you’ve only ever awarded the wrestling universe with much to be desired.
Let’s get real for a second.
The THUGS have displayed a particular brand of longevity in the XWF, and on the surface it’s very admirable. But the more you sit back and examine their careers, the more one can begin to understand why. They might masquerade as a couple of hard working ring veterans, who stay in the business for the love of the sport, for the love of competition, and yet they never actually try to excel. They never try to improve.
That’s because the THUGS embody everything that’s wrong, not just with professional wrestling, but with society in general. These guys know they can put forth the bare minimum effort and get paid out the wazoo for it. Using the XWF to push their brand of wealth obsessed nihilism. “Hustle culture” they’ll call it, only there’s no real hustle to the THUGS, only money, hoes, cars, and clothes. Another night at the club after another, raining stacks of dollar bills on strippers and popping cristal.
The THUGS will only continue “loving” this sport, so long as money keeps flowing. Theirs ain’t a story of hard work and grinding to the top. It’s about finding a mediocre niche and milking it for every cent that it’s worth. Why else would they keep it up? Why else would they come out here and get smacked around week after week?
They're either completely incapable of putting up a fight… or they’d rather get paid to be bad.
Money isn’t everything, boys. I had to learn that the hard way.
Looking back at the first half of 2023, there was arguably no hotter act in the XWF than the “Gypsy Queen” Dolly Waters. I went on a tear, plotting and scheming to amass as much power, and as much money as I could. Wielding that power as a means to finally reach the top of this industry. But in the end, it only cost me… she looks over to Corey and purses her lips for a moment
...it cost me the things that were truly important.
And that’s why I’m back, even if it’s only one last time. I’m back to prove that power and greed and money and prestige aren’t everything. I’m back to prove that you can learn from your mistakes, and improve, not just as a competitor, but as a person. As a friend.
Why are the THUGS “back”? Because they’re ready to show the world what a trip down memory lane is actually worth? Show the world that they’ve learned from their mistakes, and that they’re finally ready to reciprocate for the lavish lifestyle the XWF has provided them? Finally putting forth some passion and effort for once?
I guess on Weekend Warfare we’ll find out…
But I think we all know that the Price will never be Right enough for something like that, would it, boys?
_____________________________________________________
AFTER THE TRASH TALK
Dolly looks at Corey pointedly.
Now that that’s out of the way I should probably warn you about the disaster that awaits you inside your home.
What the WHAT?! What disaster?! Why didn’t you lead with that?!
Well, we had to make amends, didn’t we?
I mean, yeah, sure. But why didn’t you tell me before the trash talk at least?!
‘Cor, this is the XWF. You don’t skimp on the trash talk.
Corey throws his arms out in frustration.
So what’s the disaster?!
Dolly steps away and gestures for Corey to follow.
Maybe you should see for yourself. Id be lying if I didn’t say it felt, erm, familiar.
With that grim portent, Corey follows Dolly back into the house. Where pandemonium reigns. As soon as they’ve crossed the threshold, they’re both beset by loud hollering and various bit and bobs of commotion. A middle aged male resident of Coreytopia lurches up to Dolly and Corey as soon as they enter the main hall.
Could I interest any of you in a tie? He splays out a series of ties over his forearm.
Corey I think the tartan would look especially striking on you?
Corey shakes his head in confusion.
Bob why are you selling your ties? You need those for interviews!
You drive a hard bargain, Corey. How about buy one get one 33% off? That’s my final offer!
Corey steps around Bob with Dolly in tow. They proceed towards the common area, but don’t get very far before their beset by a gaggle of children running around with Macy’s holiday catalogs screeching about what toys they want.
Kid, kids, no running in the house.
Eat shit, Corey!
Buy me a PS5!
The kids storm past Corey and Dolly, waving tattered pages full of toy ads. Corey looks at Dolly incredulously.
Has everyone here lost their minds?
They’re pretty much all like this now.
Finally, they reach the common area and are met with even more madness. The room is now wall to wall televisions, each one blaring news about the stock market with real time tickers showing the values of various stocks. Some of the adult members of the commune are enrapt, but Corey has little time to consider them before hearing another strange occurrence.
RENT’S DUE! RENT’S DUE EVERYONE!
Joachim comes sauntering into the common area, wearing an old fashion business man’s top hat and smoking a cigar. Corey approaches Joachim as the commune residents scatter at the mention of rent being due.
“Rent’s due.” Dude, what are you talking about, we don’t charge rent here. Corey looks utterly befuddled.
See, I told you. It’s like they’ve all caught capitalism fever.
Joachim chuckles and puts one hand on Corey’s shoulder, while removing the cigar with his spare hand. The cigar’s not even lit.
Corey, your system worked for a time, but we have to get real. The commune was never going to support itself forever without an influx of cash. So while you were out I instituted rent payments. But I assure you they’re VERY reasonable and I’m only making a 20% profit skimmed off the top.
Joachim!
What?! Look man, we can talk business later. Right now I gotta collect rent from these scofflaws. Joachim pushes past Corey, leaving he and Dolly alone in the room.
Dolly, these people are acting like…like….
….me? Tell me about it.
How did this happen? Especially Joachim I know he’s better than this.
Welllll….Dolly goes to the front window and gestures out of it.
It might have something due to with this cavernous hole that opened up on the front lawn that the work crews accidentally stumbled across.
Corey stands beside Dolly.
How the hell did I miss that before?
From what I understand everything started to change around here when that hole opened up.
Where does it go?
Down?
Corey smirks at Dolly.
Smartass.
So are we going on a wacky adventure to check this out or what?
Corey sighs.
I’ll get my spelunking gear.
Somehow, I’m not surprised you have spelunking gear.
They both walk out of shot and the camera closes in on one of the TV’s spewing babble about hot stocks before it fades to sweet merciful black.
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