”What do you MEEEEEEAN he TOOK TWITTER WITH HIM?!!?”

Flynn’s eye rapidly flickers, twitching like an epileptic delivering the entire works of William Shakespeare in morse code, on a table with a wobbly leg.

Really, REALLY twitching.

Elon Musk (the World’s Richest Man) isn’t completely sure how to feel about what’s happening right now.

Flynn has hoisted him by the collar into the air. And despite being an inch taller than Flynn, through sheer strength, amplified by incredible rage, Flynn has managed to lift Musk up in the air about two-and-a-half feet off the ground.

…

Musk blinks, trying to understand the human disconnect between what he said and what Flynn didn’t pick up.

”I mean that your ‘War Criminal’ associate… took Twitter with him.” Musk coughs. He couldn’t find anything confusing in his intentionally simple sentence, so he mostly repeated the exact same wording, with a pregnant pause in the middle.

…

Flynn smacks his forehead with his hand.

Which Musk takes to mean he’s frustrated.

Meanwhile, Irwin, Flynn’s number one fan, stares behind them, tugging on Flynn’s arm.

”Uhhhh. Mister Flynn.”

”NOT NOW, Irwin.” Flynn bites. ”WHY… would TWITTER…”

”Actually, it’s called X.”

Irwin coughs. ”Technically, the App Store is calling it ‘The North Korean Social Media App for Fun and Friendship.’”

”WHATEVER IT’S CALLED… WHY would it be stored on the robot that NK is occupying?!?”

Elon’s face lights up! A question! For information! He has that!

”Ah! Okay! So Google Cloud was charging my company exorbitant fees to utilize their server storage!”

Irwin’s face contorts, intrigued. ”How much were they charging?”

”EIGHT DOLLARS!”

…

”...Like… Wait, what do you mean? Like… eight dollars per page load?”

”Or… eight dollars per, like… data package of tweets?”

”Eight dollars. FOREVER.” Elon Musk hunches his back, twiddling his fingers like this is the most horrifying figure one could imagine.

…

Having successfully done his act-out, Elon stands back upright.

”Naturally, I had to break the contract with Google Cloud. I’m running a business here, I have to cut unnecessary expenses!”

…Flynn coughs. ”Okay, but… when your whole business is a web app… Isn’t server storage… y’know, NOT unnecessary.”

Musk scoffs, waving that comment away. ”Not when you invested two billion dollars in research and development into the robot wrestler of the future! With 200 terabytes of storage… And only 2 TB were taken up by wrestling data? That leaves plenty of room for all of Twitter!”

…

“I mean, X!” Elon corrects himself, smacking the side of his head. “C’mon, Elon! Branding! You have to call it its new, super-cool name!”

…Flynn stares a hole into the side of this billionaire’s head.

”You put your entire web app’s storage… Onto a walking, talking wrestling robot… To save money?”

Elon sneers like this question is ridiculous! ”Of course I did! It was the correct business decision!

1. Work is being done on ChadGPT at headquarters
   
2. Chad had the server storage to keep Twit-... X!
   
3. His server storage was going to waste!
   

So naturally! I put the app on the robot! What could go wrong?” Elon smirks, like gotcha there.

…

Flynn pinches the bridge of his nose.

Before pointing a finger at the sky.

”Your robotic wrestler just FLEW INTO THE SKY AND TOOK THE APP WITH HIM.” Flynn impatiently grabs Elon by the cheeks and squeezes his face close to Flynn’s own. ”THAT IS WHAT COULD AND DID GO WRONG!”

Flynn shoves Elon away…

Musk flops backward landed on his back… But, he tries to strike a pose like he meant to fall like that, lounging on his side in the middle of the parking lot.

Flynn sighs, as he squeezes his temples.

”Calming thoughts… Calming thoughts… What would Ne-”

…

Flynn grits his teeth angrily, rubbing his cheek.

The one that Ned punched in the face as Flynn was in the middle of thanking him… y’know, in his own way.

”gggrrrrRRRRRRRR.” Flynn tries to take deep breaths… But it just ends up turning into angry huffing and puffing…

Irwin turns back around… and continues tugging on Flynn’s arm.

”Um… Mister Flynn. I think this is seri-”

Flynn sticks up a finger into the air.

”Hang on for two shakes there, Ir-dawg.” Flynn closes his eyes and tries to empty his mind. ”I’m thinkin’...”

…

Irwin runs off to the right.

…

Flynn takes a slow, deliberate inhale.

Calming, life-giving oxygen fills his powerful lungs…

…

He is very capable.

He can fix this.

…

Exhaaaaaaaaaaaaaale.

”Okay. Centered…”

Flynn spins around.

”Okay, Irwin. What did y-”

…

Flynn looks around.

Left.

Spin to the right.

…

Back left.

”...GODDAMMIT, IRWIN. I think for ONE SECOND and YOU LEAVE?!?”

…

Flynn groans, covering his face with his hands.

”Fffffffffuck. Where’d he go?”

”Where’d who go?”

Flynn looks down.

Elon Musk is still lounging on the ground, trying to look cool.

His elbow is currently half-way deep in a puddle of… runoff.

…

Flynn groans, pinching his temples, in disbelief that’s it come to this.

”Stand up.”

Elon peers confused. ”What?”

”Stand up. I need to logic my way through a plan and I need a sounding board.”

Elon gasps! ”Wh-wh-what?!? Really! You want me to contribute to a Mark Flynn plan?!?!”

…Flynn winces. ”It’s more like ‘I’ve discovered through trial-and-error that I think better when I’m screaming at someone, instead of talking to myself…’”

”MUSK AND FLYNN! A winning tag-team!”

Flynn retches, nearly coating the inside of his mouth with stomach acid.

”We are NOT a tag-team!” Flynn’s entire face is wrought with rage as he wipes away mess at the corner of his mouth. “EVEN FOR THIS BRIEF EXERCISE.”

Musk delightedly claps his hands.

”Oh! We should call ourselves ‘The Musk of Champions’!”

”WE AREN’T CALLING OURSELVES ANYTHING!”

…

Flynn thinks about the name idea.

”Wait… Musk? ...Like an odor?” Flynn scowls, disgusted.

”Yes! Like an aroma! Ooooh, and we can release a companion cologne and spray it on our fans as we walk to the ring!”

Elon is so fucking ecstatic, as he tries to roll himself back onto his feet.

…

Unfortunately, his back is circular enough that he starts just rocking himself… Like a rockinghorse or a Newton’s balls…

…

It’s… It’s almost hypnotic to look at.

…

Flynn sighs.

”...Any day now?”

Elon eventually finds a way to rock himself onto his side like a turtle… Then, slowly scampers onto his knees, before working his way to his feet.

With the grace of a newborn deer, still figuring out its stick legs as it slipes and slides on birth canal oozes.

…

Elon Musk puts his hands on his hips like he’s sprung into action.

”Okay. Let’s account for our objectives.”

”Agreed!” Musk nods. “Number one, we should figure out a secret ingredient for the cologne! I’m thinking essence of ham. Like a pulled pork in your che-”

SWOOP! Flynn’s hand covers Elon’s mouth.

…

He sniffs impatiently.

”Sounding board.” Flynn repeats. He points at himself. “I will provide the sound…” Flynn presses his finger against Musk’s forehead. ”YOU will be the board.”

”Can the board also make sound?”

”No.”

”Can the sounding board think sounds?”

…

”Fine. As long as they stay unsaid.”

Musk nods, then makes a face where…

Okay, it’s impossible to describe Elon’s face with specificity.

But *looking* at his face and only his face… You can tell, in his mind’s eye, he’s watching Shrek the Third, a movie he’s seen so many times, he’s memorized the lines and scenes to where he can flip it on in his brain.

…

Flynn exhales.

”Okay… Objective.”

”Objective: I want Twitter.”

”Problem: NK has Twitter in his robot body.”

”Solution: I find NK.”

…

”... Problem:” Flynn sighs. ”I don’t know where NK is… And he’s in a fighting, flying robot so he could be anyw-...”

…Flynn’s eyes widen!

”AH!” Flynn snaps! ”He’s in a robot! DUH!” Flynn slaps the side of his head for not thinking of this sooner.

”Heheh…” Elon chuckles, staring off into space, reaching for a box of popcorn that doesn’t exist… ”Eric Idle is a funny wizard…”

”BIG E!” Flynn snaps in Elon’s face! Elon’s eyes come back into focus, shocked and aghast!

”Hey! I was watching that!” Elon says, pointing at the sky where he was absentmindedly projecting objectively the weakest of the Shrek quadrilogy.

”ELON!” Flynn snaps once more. ”You have a GPS tracker for Chad, right?”

…

Elon squints.

”…Yyyyyyyy…Yes.”

…

Elon nods, in recognition, as his brain slowly puts together the words Flynn is throwing at him…

”I mean, wait! Yes!” Musk smiles nodding again! ”Totally! Of course I do! I ad my research scientists design a GPS chip for Chad! So, like, if I lost him, I could find him!”

”Right. Okay…” Flynn nods, focused on the imminent achievement of this solution. ”And I assume you have some activator to signal the GPS chip? Where… is that?”

Elon fishes a hand into his right pocket! He pulls out a little widget with a red button on the end. ”I’ve got it right here! If I press this, it’ll tell me the location of the chip down to the nearest MICROMETER!”

Flynn pumps his fist!

”YES! FUCK YES!” Flynn breathes a sigh of relief. ”Great! GREAT! FUCK! FINALLY! Everything’s coming together!”

…Flynn grimaces. ”Wait.” Flynn moans, imagining a possible hurdle. ”What’s the range on the activator? If NK’s already out of range, that thing’s gonna be LESS than worthless.”

Musk scoffs confidently. ”What kind of HACK do you take me for? I’ve hooked this tracker into my SpaceX satellite system! This GPS targets globally! It could find the chip on the tallest mountain or buried at the ocean’s deepest trench!”

…Flynn’s lip curls into smile. His brow raises, impressed. ”Wow… Well, fuck! So, we got ‘im!”

Elon grins, nodding, as he fishes his hand into his left pocket… ”Yes! The moment we press the activator!”

…

Elon retrieves, from his left pocket…

…A chip.

”This chip will light up like a beacon! Leading us directly to its location!”

Elon presses the chip forward to Flynn’s face, so he can admire its elegant design.

…

Flynn’s smile.

…

Disappears.

…

He points down at the device in Elon’s hand.

”...This is the… GPS tracking chip?”

”Yes!”

…Flynn squeezes his eyes as shut as they can get.

…

”You said you had your scientists design this chip to track Chad.”

Elon nods. ”I did! Then, I didn’t want to lose it, so I held onto it for safekeeping.”

…

Flynn tries another calming meditative br-

NOPE! TOO ANGRY!

Flynn SMACKS Elon’s left hand. ”GOD DAMMIT! FFFFFFFUCK!” Flynn kicks the air, fruitlessly.

Elon watches terrified as his $15 million dollar chip flies out of his hand into a nearby bush! ”Noooooooo!” Elon collapses to his knees… ”How am I supposed to find it now…” He says, wiping his face with the activator, a device literally designed to help him find it now (or any other time).

”FUCKING FUCKING… FUCK!” Flynn curses.

Meanwhile, Irwin runs up with a pail of water, speeding past Flynn and Elon.

”IRWIN!” Flynn howls.

Irwin spins around, lifting the pail of water to show Flynn. ”Oh! Uh, Mister Flynn! Should we do something about th-”

”WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN!?!” Flynn screeches, tapping his foot impatiently.

…

”Uh…” Irwin stutters… again, lifting the pail.

”PUT THAT DOWN AND GET OVER HERE.”

…Irwin sighs, and sets down the pail.

Flynn pinches his temples, as Irwin jogs over.

”Well…” Flynn groans. ”NK took the robot body that has Twitter in it… And FFFFFFUCKFACE DOWN THERE!” Flynn spits at Elon, who is back to lying on the ground, mourning the loss of his GPS tracker. ”Never installed Chad with GPS tracking. So…”

As Flynn covers his face with his hands, Irwin’s pocket chimes. Irwin pulls his phone up to his face.

“How the HELL are we supposed to figure out where NK went.”

…Irwin’s eyes widen as he eyes his screen.

”...Uh, I might have an answer there, sir.”

Irwin twists his phone up to Flynn’s face…



”Annyeong haseyo, denizens of The North Korean Social Media App for Fun and Friendship!” NK waves cheerily on Irwin’s screen.

…

Flynn squints, perplexed. ”...What am I looking at, here, Irmano?”

…Irwin clears his throat.

”It would appear that the War Criminal is…”

…

“Live-streaming.”

---

NK flexes confidently, as little hearts and dollar signs fill the screen.

A number of comments pop-up on the screen, all bestowing nothing but love and admiration onto the War Criminal!

”Ah!” The War Criminal purrs, like electricity is running straight up his spine! ”Your love is appreciated, cyber fans! And, might I add, EARNED! For I have, just a few moments ago, SET FIRE TO MUSKCO HEADQUARTERS!”

NK faux-humbly dusts his knuckles against his chest.

”That is correct! I’ve successfully destroyed a temple to the individualistic capitalistic structure that dominates every moment of your waking existence! I have seen the fatted calf of consumeristic death that is an enterprise owned by a billionaire, rather than the laboring class, and I EVISCERATED IT!”

NK closes his fist with a CRUNCH, like he squashed an insect representing capitalism itself.

…

NK blushes, smiling. ”Not a bit deal, just step one of my promise to FREE YOU FROM THE CORPORATE STRUCTURE THAT ENSLAVES YOU FROM BIRTH TO DEATH, DEAR WESTERNERS!”

---

Flynn and Irwin pore over the screen, as NK continues singing his own praises.

”And this blow shall be the first of many! I plan to LAY WASTE TO EVERY CAPITALIST STRUCTURE, DESIGNED TO PERPETUATE INEQUALITY AMONG THE CASTE SYSTEM YOUR BILLIONAIRES FALSELY CALL A MERITOCRACY!”

…Flynn points at the screen.

”What are all those little hearts, Ir-man?”

Irwin blushes.

”...Uh. Those are… Twitterers… liking NK’s livestream.”

…

”God dammit.” Flynn moans. ”He’s... very popular.”

Elon tries to lean over the shoulders of Flynn… Then, Irwin…

…

Despite being taller than both men… Somehow, he lacks the flexibility to extend his neck to see over their heads…

Elon clears his throat, to try and get people to pay attention to him.

”It’s ChadGPT’s programming at work! Chad is designed to be lovable the world over! Clearly, this ‘War Criminal’ you speak of has tapped into Chad’s charisma-amplifying software to make a venomous message palpable to the masses.”

Irwin side-eyes Flynn. ”Or people these days are so beaten down by late-stage capitalism, a guy wanting to destroy billionaires for perpetuating inequality is a hero in their eyes.”

Flynn shrugs testily. ”I mean, six of one, half-dozen of the other, right? Either way, he’s OVER… For the first time, the War Criminal is OVER…”

Flynn shakes his head. ”God help us all.”

---

NK weaves his black robotic hand through his luxurious locks, winking at the camera.

The screen fills with hearts and emojis!

”I promise, foolish westerners… To free you from your mindless consumption! Your obsession with individual success! And to embrace the beauty of the collective…”

NK smiles, tapping his nose.

”And I plan to accomplish this feat by destroying the ONE MAN whose EXISTENCE is an EFFIGY of the mindless pursuit of his own gains.”

”I, of course, refer to… MARK FLYNN!”

Suddenly, the screen gets covered in angry faces! Vomit emojis!

Comments demanding that NK destroy Flynn!

That the Internet believes in him!

”And upon his destruction…” NK continues, moved by his own greatness.

”We shall enter a golden age, you and I…” NK extends his fingertips toward the camera.

”GLORY to the future we create together…”

”GLORY to the VISION OF TRUE KOREA!”

…

”And DEATH… to Mark Flynn.”

The feed ends.

---

…Flynn exhales, as Irwin shoves his phone away.

”...Okay.”

Flynn sticks a finger in the air.

”GOOD NEWS… We know what NK wants.”

Irwin nods. ”The end of capitalism. And your painful demise.”

…

”BAD NEWS…” Flynn groans.

”The eight-ton wrestling robot wants to kill you?”

Flynn bites his lip. ”THAT… And he’s turned the entire internet against me. I'm getting cheered even less than I was before...”

”...FUCK.” Flynn shakes his head, pinching the bridge of his nose. ”...Is there anything else I’m forgetting?”

…Irwin coughs.

And tilts his head twice behind Flynn.

To MuskCo headquarters.

…

Which is still actively on fire.

…

”...Ah.”

...

Flynn spins toward Elon.

"Shouldn't the sprinklers have come on by now?"

Elon nods. "They would have!"

...

"If I didn't replace our building's fire prevention sprinklers system with... Chad. I put... uh... a water pump system into his body."

...

"Which... even I can see the flaws of doing that now." Musk scratches his head.

…

Flynn sighs.

”Would a... 'good guy'… do something about that?” Flynn tilts his head toward the fire.

Irwin nods. He extends his foot…

And nudges the pail of water toward Flynn.

…

”...Shit.”

---

It’s a valuable lesson, isn’t it?

It’s something you’d think I’d remember after ten years of dominating this sport.

The value of Vision.

Perspective.

It’s easy to misjudge a problem when you've got other things on your mind.

When the obstacle rests, not in your direct sight, but in your periphery.

When you’re bombarded by problems… It’s easy to waste every brain cell trying to solve one problem…

And miss the raging fire right behind you.

…

There’s the tick you can't reach... gnawing, festering at the back of your mind…

And you think so hard about that...

It obscures the problem that’s staring you in the face.

...

Sure.

In the back of my mind… I have… let’s say, gnawing distractions.

My old partner is back.

He stole my briefcase.

He’s dedicated his every waking moment to rob me of everything I've built over the last year.

…

But, even with that asshole nipping at my heels.

I’d be wise to focus first on the two imbeciles knocking at my front door.

Oh, Madison Dyson.

Lil’ Maddy.

Madaroo.

…

Don’t worry, don’t worry.

We’ll get to you…

But, first.

Let’s check the teeth of your mindless attack dog.

…The one that found a way to lose to GOTH of all people.

Then disappeared for ten months.

And somehow popped back in line for a shot at MY X-Treme Title.

I don’t know what the card bookers are thinking around here…

…

Oh, who am I kidding? Of course I do.

N O S T A L G I A.

It’s the reason one of my X-Treme Title defenses was against Doctor Louis D’Ville…

Because ol’ Doc is a Grand Slam Champion. A First-Ballot resident of the XWF HALL OF LEGENDS.

Even two or three years after he was a regular on the program, when he does pop back into the picture frame, you can feel the excitement and the buzz.

Gasp! Did you hear Dock is back?

Wow! I bet he’ll be just as dominant as ever!

Are you kidding?!? Old XWF was so much better than these current losers! He’s gonna be even more dominant!

He’ll run through the roster like tissue paper! Just like the old days!

…

And then. What happened?

In his return match, I put down the Good Doctor.

Then, he went back to being retired.

Just like I knew he would.

…

(Although he does keep popping up with Bobby Bourbon in backstage segments.)

((Hey Dock, if you’re not collecting appearance fees on the back-end for all these cameos, your agent isn’t doing his job. Call Christopher K. Clinton, he’ll get you a percentage!))

…

Want more proof that #NOSTALGIA is King around here?

How the Hell else do you explain CHRISTIAN ANDREWS waltzing back into the fed after a FIVE YEAR ABSENCE and getting lobbed STRAIGHT INTO A UNIVERSAL TITLE SHOT?

Christie loves lobbing around words like ‘LEGEND’ and ‘LEGACY’.

To paraphrase Cor’...

Andy?

Bubby?

You wrestled FOUR MATCHES.

You were gone MORE YEARS than MATCHES YOU WRESTLED IN YOUR XWF CAREER.

…

But the bookers clamored for it.

Christian Andrews?!?

He USED to be here!

He won FOUR WHOLE MATCHES... once!

Shoot him to the top! Put him in the main event! GIVE HIM EVERYTHING!

…

So? You might say, Maddy.

What’s Flynn’s point? Yes, the bookers clearly love the ring-rusted HACKS that used to work here more than the dedicated few who pour themselves into this program WEEK-IN and WEEK-OUT.

What the fuck does that have to do with me?

…

Because, let’s face it.

The memory of Mercy?

Sure is something.

Mercy sure used to be here.

In fact, I'd say that's her signature move.

Coming back.

Disappearing for another year.

And coming back.

...

See.

When people picture Mercy? Without actually looking back?

Just like how people might erroneously remember Christian Andrews as a legend?

People would RECALL Mercy as a dominant monster.

A sadistic, perverse psychopath.

Dominant.

Unbeatable.

…

Because absence?

Obscures the truth.

Once again, the bookers think… OH MY GOD! Mercy is back! Let’s run Mercy against the X-Treme champ!

Because…

They lack VISION.

They lack PERSPECTIVE.

They miss the disparity…

Between what they THINK they see.

THE ILLUSION.

And they miss the truth before their eyes.

Mercy?

Is a career disappointment.

By your own standards, Maddy? Mercy is the LOWEST-CALIBER NOBODY.

GUTTER TRASH.

POND SLUDGE.

…

Exhibit A.

Quote:Like a dog returning to smell its own shit, so has Bobby Bourbon returned to being an abject failure.

Cases in point? Bobby has recently logged losses to both Calypso and Jenny Myst.

And if Bobby had his shit together, he would have, nay, SHOULD have, dominated both of them. But he didn’t. In fact, he even bitched about Jenny cheating to win in their last match. Bobby. Bitching that Jenny CHEATED.

Bobby, are you not aware that you should not be losing to Jenny Myst under ANY circumstances?

Madison Dyson professes that a talented wrestler wouldn’t lose to Jenny Myst under any circumstances.

… Exhibit B. We submit, for the record, these video clips from the December 9th, 2017 Saturday Night Savage.

First, we see a match... starting between Mercy and Jenny Myst.

Quote:

...Now, let's fast-forward to the end...

Quote:

Huh.

Sure looks like… Mercy lost to Jenny Myst.

Isn’t that funny?

That's almost as embarrassing as Mercy dropping a loss to Goth.

...

Look, I love Goth as much as anybody.

Kind eyes.

Strong arms.

Is haunted by the ghost of his dead wife that wants him to win the X-Treme title.

...

But. Maddy?

Sweety?

Are you not aware that you should not be losing to GOTH under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES?

...Haha, this is too fun.

What other bullets have you shot into your own foot, Maddendum?

Exhibit C.

Quote:Let’s move on to North Korean War Criminal. Or as I like to refer to North Korea, “the dirty Korea.” You know, I just love how this whole team is pumping up NK for supposedly winning War Games last year. Like he was anything but a bit player on the team who threw his body into the thresher while Corey Smith and Alias did all the heavy lifting. Don’t get me wrong, I hate me some Corey Smith and I think Alias is some twee pseudo ET dipshit with a hard on for performative profundity, but to think you or Flynn for that matter was the lynch pin of that team is a level of purestrain stupid that I had yet to encounter, and I managed Dexter Bright!

Who made it to the finals, slanty? Because I don’t remember North Korean War Criminal getting his malnourished arm raised at the end of the night. No, it was Corey and Alias. And fuck you double time for making me say something good about Corey Smith. Just for that, Mercy’s gonna smack you roundeyed and send you back to Dear Leader in a box, bitch!

…Haha.

Talk about hot takes that aged like milk, huh, Maddleball?

Let’s go over all the ways this quote looks dumb as FUCK with some hindsight.

WarGames 2022: I coach NK and his job squad of misfit toys ALL THE WAY to the WARGAMES FINALS.

Where the War Criminal got his ‘malnourished hand raised at the end of the night’.

Mercy?

Got third. Behind Raion Kido, the JOKE that didn’t escape the first round the next year.

So much for Mercy smacking anyone 'roundeye', huh, Maddy, you racist fuck.

And what incredible manuever did it take to put Mercy down for the count, huh?

Perhaps a LIGHTNING PUNCH! OR A BOURBON BOMB?!?!

...

Nope.

Mercy got beat... with a textbook rollup.

How truly.

TRULY.

Average.

…

By the way.

The year after that?

I WON THE WHOLE FUCKING WARGAMES.

And I beat Corey Smith to do it.

...Which... by my count.

That's THREE WarGames rings in the last three years for me.

One for Corey.

And...

...Well, would you look at that.

ZERO FOR MERCY.

...

Goddamn, Mad-World.

I'm known around these parts as the lorekeeper. I memorized as much XWF content as a human brain can hold...

And I don’t think even *I* could think up another paragraph in XWF HISTORY that has more incorrect BULLSHIT in it than what you SPEWED out of your FESTERING GOB.

…

But.

That’s always been your style, hasn’t it, Maddy?

Blow hot air out of your stupid mouth and pray that the muscle you brought can back it up.

That was the plan when you managed Engy, huh, Maddyshack?

Pretty easy to say whatever you want when you're in the corner of the Longest-Reigning Universal Champion of All-Time.

…

Only problem, Dye-job?

You’re not managing Engy anymore.

You’re in the corner of MeRcY.

WhO tAlKs LiKe SoMeOnE oN tHe InTeRnEt MoCkInG SoMeOnE eLsE.

A ‘talent’ with ZERO titles to her name.

ZERO combined days as an XWF champion.

Whose highest profile success was…

What? Killing Dracula?

Quote:And she once killed Dracula. True story!

I mean, that's literally the only accomplishment you've given her.

...Besides how fucking vicious she is.

...Which.

Again.

She has losses on her record against Calypso, Jenny Myst and fucking GOTH.

Oooooh, I'm shaking in my goddamned boots.

…

Point is.

It’s easy to gaze across the ring.

And let my eyes trick me.

To see the illusion...

Of the lair of the bloodthirsty monster.

That the cardmakers believe they just dropped me into.

…

But, I know Mercy.

She's a hapless goon.

A talentless coward.

Who murders the helpless and powerless.

...

Yes, she's a sadist.

But, she murders helpless weeping teenagers.

People begging for their lives.

Put her against someone who can actually defend themselves?

...All of a sudden, the attack dog?

Becomes a poorly-trained labradoodle.

Her master doesn’t have the bag of tricks to carry her to success.

And who ShItS tHe BeD when a big moment like this comes along.

...

Sometimes, the best way to solve a big problem...

Like the North Korean War Criminal hovering over my every move?

Is to remind him.

What happens.

When a WEAK opponent.

Whose mouth does more running than their hands do wrestling...

Makes a mistake.

And decides to piss me off.

…

Maddy.

I promise you this.

At Weekend Warfare.

Only one of us…

Is bringing mercy to the ring with them.