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X-treme Wrestling Federation BOARDS »   » Archives » Snow Job RP Boards 2023
'The Mechanic' Who Doesn't WORK
Author Message
Mark Flynn Offline
Champions get their name in red!
TITLE - X-treme Champion

XWF FanBase:

(gets varying reactions in the arenas, but will be worshiped like a god and defended until the end by internet fans; literally has thousands of online dorks logging on to complain anytime they lose a match or don't get pushed right)

01-21-2023, 10:38 PM

The Dingy Yellow Office

At the desk, an inhuman creature stares into the camera…

“Vaughnie! Vaughnaroo! Ol’ Peter Potamus! It’s about GODDAMN TIME we had ACTUAL TALENT™ swing through the ol’ office.”

The homunculus squeezes its fists so tight, its knuckles crack.

“Do you know how many fucking SCRUB-LEVEL TALENTS I sold like they were BIG TICKET LUXURY? How much INFLATING I had to do to keep the soda cups filled and the t-shirt stands empty?”

“D'Y'know how much FRAUD I should be CHARGED with? For pretending that Mieky FUCKING Graves was MAIN EVENT TALENT™?”

“All of it, Vaughnie.”
The facsimile’s shoulder sag, his knees buckle, as if the weight of the world’s fraud rests on his shoulders. “I am guilty of ALL of the fraud.”

The simulacrum’s fist slams against the desk.

“Sam Bankman-Fried ain’t got NOTHING on my ass.”

…Sigh of relief.

“But, finally. FINALLY. I’ve faked it and now I’ve make…ed it.”

“A match for the ages™. A STAR-STUDDED AFFAIR™. MUST-SEE TEE-VEE, BAY-BEE™.”




“Okay. I’ll grant you. ‘once in a lifetime’ is a match that happened two months ago for free on WGWF Brawl.”

“BUT STILL. Vaughnie! You’re ‘THREE-PEAT’ Peter Vaughn!”

“Back in 2022, You won THREE World Titles!”

“Across THREE different companies…”


“Truly impressive, Vaughnie. Do you know how many ring rats and salary leeches in this business NEVER score a top title belt once in their MISERABLE lives?”

“I do.”

“I did the math, Vaughnie. In the modern era of XWF (by which I mean post-2012), the company has signed exactly 1150 talent to its roster. 125 active, 1025 inactive.”

“31 men in total have held this belt.”

“31 out of 1150.”

“Only the top 2.5% of talent. The CREEEEEEEAM of the fucking crop… The Truly STELLAR. Get to be THE GUY™. The CHAMP™. THE FUCKING MAN™. Most of them? JUST ONCE.”

“And simultaneously, you HELD THREE.”

“Quick aside… While we’re discussing just how much NON World-Title-caliber talent has suckled at the teat of XWF’s pocketbooks like goddamn LEECHES.”

The monster’s featureless face shifts… It seems like an imitation of a wink.

“Hey, Theo? How do you feel about the motherfuckers you had your graphics department design a Twitter post for, announcing their signing, paying for press conferences, spending VALUABLE MAN HOURS™ crafting press releases… Only to have them wrestle one match, then turn over to greener pastures.”

[Image: FJ-OL8-OXw-AI54-IY.png]
Hey kids! Click to guess the XWF record!

“Follow-up question: How the FUCK am I supposed to keep your company afloat when you keep SIGNING FLAKES, THEO?!?”

[Image: FC1-Dz-Jk-WUAQRtjv.png]
Hey kids! Click to guess the XWF record!

“But, finally. FINALLY! After wading waist-deep through a cesspool of mediocrity… A REAL challenger approaches.”

“The WINNER of the World Series of Wrestling.”

“The WGWF World Heavyweight Champion.”


…Deep breath.

“It’s finally time, Vaughnie. I’ve been doing this schtick for months. Evaluating sub-par brands, tarnishing false idols and rending from flesh from the heretics like the chosen prophet of the ONE TRUE GOD: SUCCESS™.”

“But all that build-up… All that disgusting failure I had to touch with my perfect, successful hands. Data scraping loser after loser after LOSER… Combing through .400 and lower win percentages. It was all worth it.”

“Because, FINALLY, after panning the mountain top for months...”




The likeness rubs its hand-shaped limbs together…

“It’s time, Vaughnie. Enough build-up.”


THWAM! A folder slams against the table.

“Ooooh, the anticipation is killing me…”

The impersonation presses his face against the folder… He gently sniffs it.

His cheeks lift in what could almost be a smile.

“Goddamn, it even SMELLS like UNPRECEDENTED TICKET SALES™. They’re gonna have to EXPAND the seating at LAMBEAU FUCKING FIELD to derive MAXIMUM REVENUE™…”

“Phew, okay. I’m ready.”

The folder flips open. Pages scatter onto the table.

“PETER VAUGHN. First Appearance Date: Relentless Night 3! September 26th, 2021! Remember that night, Vaughn-o? THE OCW INVASION OF XWF! Vaughn, Riddle & Cashe AND Bam Miller AMBUSH Universal Champion Alias!”

“I mean, okay, that turned out to be a MASSIVE failure. Most of you got fired from OCW weeks later under…” Finger quotes. mysterious circumstances.”

The creature leans in with a hand hiding his mouth.

“*cough*Budget cuts*cough*…”

“Thank God SUCCESS™ Theo showed up, ready to sign all you unemployed losers to XWF contracts, huh, Vaughnerino? Say what you will about Theo, but he fought off a ‘takeover’ single-handedly. And that ‘single hand’ only had to sign three checks.”

The shape giggles.

“DEBUT MATCH! Peter Vaughn - vs - Ned Kaye of the Year, A Literal Gorilla.”

“And finally... Peter Vaughn’s ALL-TIME XWF RECORD IS…”


“12 wins, 6 losses.”

…The approximation flips the sheet over like there should be more.

There’s nothing else.

“How… thoroughly… average.”

The blur shoves the sheet away…

“It’s just… goddamn, Vaughnie. You’ve been here a year and a half. And your record is… Fiiiiiiiiine. 2 wins for every 1 loss. THIS is the guy, huh? THIS is my challenge? After FOUR MONTHS of carrying this company, this is my reward?”

“At first, I thought to myself… No. It can’t be. The NUMBERS must be wrong.”

“Understand how crazy that is? I’m the STATS guy. I KNOW that the figures are INCAPABLE of being wrong…”

“And I believe you in so hard, Vaughnie, that I. THOUGHT. THE NUMBERS. WERE WRONG.”

“Obviously, 12-and-6 must need additional context, right? Clearly, ‘THREE-PEAT’ Peter Vaughn must have a great XWF record. Virtually impeccable.”

“I say to myself, Vaughnie, I’ve GOT IT. I figured out the problem! What the data doesn’t capture!”

“Vaughn clearly must’ve challenged the best of the best! A 12-6 record is fucking fantastic when you’re in the ring, week-in and week-out, battling the best of the fucking best…”

The figure shakes his head.

“Oh, Vaughnie. Your record is padded like the PILLOWS of a PAMPERED PRINCESS with pushover wins.”

“Barney Green, Tommy Wish, TWO Different Wins over FUCKING CALYPSO.”

“Peter Vaughn has wrestled THREE former, current or future Universal Champions in XWF rings.”

“He has a 1-2 record.”

“He lost against Alias.”

“He lost against me.”

…The figure snaps his fingers.

“BUT! Vaughn beat JIM CAEDUS, didn’t he? That’s how Vaughn won the Universal Championship. How can that be called an easy win?”

“Of course, if you know your history, you’ll remember Jim Caedus was in the middle of a goddamn mental breakdown. Charlie Nickles effectively cyber-bullied a world-class athlete into a paranoid delusional nutcase”

…The figure tilts his head sideways and waves.

“Hey, Jimbo. I see your name in the analytics on viewership stats. You want a shot against the fucking MOUNTAIN TOP™? Pick up one of those pre-filled-out contract from the pile Theo keeps at his desk and GET IN FUCKING LINE.”

“Vaughn got a Universal Title Shot… TWO MONTHS AFTER HIS DEBUT.”

“Some of us had to win a fucking tournament with SEVEN OTHER FEDERATIONS to secure a SINGLE Universal Title Shot. Some of us had to WALLOW in the PURGATORY that is the mid-card for TEN. LONG. YEARS.”

“But not ‘Three-Pete.’ Ol’ Vaughnie is wading through a fucking POOL of title shots at ANY GIVEN TIME. The same MONTH he signed his contract? He was already slotted to face Jimbo at Fire & Ice.”

“Atypical. I guess Theo must have impressed by the way he…”
The figure flips through his folder… His brow wrinkles in confusion

“...Shot a Gorilla with a tranquilizer gun.”

“It is UNDENIABLE that Peter Vaughn’s Uni Title reign was ONE-HUNDRED PERCENT ‘right place, right time’.”

“Everybody knows that Charlie SHOULD HAVE gotten Jim’s title for putting the work in AND goddamn Steve Sayors WOULD HAVE beaten Caedus that week was how off his game he was. Screaming like a gibbering mental patient. Quitting APEX, then un-quitting APEX, running public polls to ask if people thought he should let Charlie… *ahem* … word-that-rhymes-with-grape him.”

[Image: hangman-page-aew-4.jpg]
”Long story short, Jimmy had a Kanye moment.”

“Anyone. LITERALLY ANYONE. Could have entered the ring that night with Jimbo… And walked out with the Uni.”

“But, it wasn’t *just* anyone. It was you, Vaughnie. Because that’s been your whole career…”

“A scavenger. No, not even a scavenger. A scavenger has to fucking WORK to follow the smell of the dead.”

“You’re a wooooooorm, Vaughnie. A blind, eyeless, festering maggot, writhing in the dirt of a shallow graveyard. Caedus’ corpse was dumped in the HOLE you RESIDE in like a blood-red steak in a lion’s cage. And you just slowly gnawed him to death… and fell ass backwards into a Uni Title reign.”

“But, I’ll admit. Nobody gets to choose how they become Universal Champion, Vaughnie. I shouldn’t hold that against you.”

“Sure, fine, *I* became Universal Champion by beating RAION KIDO. The only man who beat Alias one-on-one IN HIS ENTIRE CAREER.”

“But, as any true champion knows, being a champion is not JUST about how you win the belt.”

“It’s about defending the belt. Maintaining the reign. Extending your dominance. Adding VALUE and PRESTIGE to the championship by exponentially increasing the difficulty level. Week after week after week.”

“So, Vaughn, you could have fixed that bad title change by dominating a BLOCKBUSTER SERIES OF DEFENSES.”

“You COULD have done that, Vaughnie.”

“But, you did not.”

“You held the Universal Championship for FIFTY-SIX short days.”

“And in that reign… you had ONE title defense.”

“Isn’t it funny how when Mark Flynn holds a belt, suddenly, Theo and Vinnie need OVERSIGHT. A fucking title defense EVERY SINGLE MONTH.”

“But, Vaughnie has the Uni? Or APEX has the tags? Fuck it, why do we even *need* title defenses? Let’s just have photo ops and press conferences. Screw defenses. FUCK MATCHES. The belts are where they belooooooong…”

“During Vaughn’s Uni reign, He had TWO matches. The first was a match against Tommy Wish. A Non-Title squash. Because I guess you couldn’t stomach the idea of putting the belt on the line against foot-fetishist Tommy Wish. Too much pressure on BIG-MATCH Vaughn to expect to defend ONE of his THREE belts against ol’ Tommy Wish-O…”

“Then, two weeks later. Alias swatted you like a fucking insect. So effortlessly, it almost looked accidental. The belt lost on defense number one. After eight weeks of the most prestigious belt in WRESTLING TODAY...”

“Gathering dust around your waist.


“Ready for a head-to-head, Vaughnie? Eager to see how an actual champion defends his belt? How MARK FLYNN has held the Universal Title?”

“118 days and counting. SIX matches on XWF programming. And FOUR title defenses.”

“I gave chances to Dick Powers, Mieky Graves, Atty Raven AND Latina Submission Machina.”

“I beat Marf AND Charlie Nickles, a man you thoroughly FAILED to beat one-on-one.”

“Your Universal Title reign was a COMPLETE AND TOTAL FAILURE.”

“Of course, that was ONE of your THREE title reigns, Petey!”

“You’ve been Thunder Pro Wrestling World Champion for… calculating… Hot damn! 386 days?!? Now THAT’S a title reign! And how many defenses have you had in that time?”


“In 386 days. THREE defenses.”

March 4th, 2022 - vs - ‘War Queen’ Leah.”

March 18th, 2022 - vs - Amber Ryan-Bane.”

April 1st, 2022 - vs - … Hey! Matthew Knox! Fancy seeing you here!”

[Image: FC-S2f-XMAk-NEND.jpg]
Hey kids! Click to guess the XWF record!

"No wonder that defense happened on April 1st. Knox is a fucking joke."

“Still, isn't that odd… Why's the last defense nine whole months ago…?”

…The figure scratches his head…

Then snaps!

“OH, THAT’S RIGHT! TPW closed shop. Shut its doors. CEASED OPERATIONS.”

“Terry Marshall had to fundraise and interview with potential investors for nine months to get his house back in order before more shows could carry on…”

“And where was Peter Vaughn during this tumultuous period in TPW’s history? Where was the INTERNATIONAL Champion as TPW wrestlers were suddenly out of a job, having relied on PETER VAUGHN to MAXIMIZE COMPANY SUCCESS?!?”

[Image: Screen-Shot-2023-01-21-at-9-34-23-PM.png]

“Carrying around an imaginary belt. Zero defenses. Just counting up the days on a FAKE TITLE RUN. Fighting NO ONE and pretending to be champion like a boy with a replica belt from Toys ‘R Us.”

The replica shakes his head.


“But, also… Kind of a theme for you, huh, Vaughnie? You sure like carrying gold around your waist, but defending it? That sounds like work…”

“Kinda ironic, isn’t Vaughnie? The guy calling himself ‘The Mechanic’. ‘The Janitor’. Sure doesn’t seem to like WORKING at his FUCKING JOB.”

“Check My Fucking Math, Vaughnie. In the same timeframe that you’ve been appearing on XWF television, (since September 26th, 2021), I’ve wrestled THIRTY-FIVE MATCHES. With a record of 29-5-1!”

“I’ve wrestled DOUBLE your workload, in the same timeframe. And lost one less match.”

“You’ve beaten ONE uni champ, while he was in the middle of a mental collapse. In the same timeframe, I won ELEVEN different matches against Uni champs. Including THREE wins over Bobby Bourbon… a win each over Corey Smith AND Rob Main, the #1 and #2 on the XWF Top 50… a win over Daddy DEAD-est, Papa Duke AND… would you look at that… THREE DIFFERENT WINS OVER PETER VAUGHN.”

“Now, THAT’S what I call a three-pete! HAHA!”

“And the people are IGNORANT. The fans voted you 2022 Warfare Star of the Year. It was specifically mentioned just what a workhorse you were defending the SuperContinental title.”

“A title that YOU won by waiting until Corey Smith got tired of subpar competition and just surrendered the bel. After which, you cruised through a two-match tournament where your stiffest competition was MAC FUCKING BANE.”

“And how many times did ‘The Mechanic’ defend his SuperContinental belt?”

“Four times. And two of those were against CALYPSO.”

“In the same year, how many times did Corey Smith defend the SuperContinental? Five.”

“Now, don’t get me wrong. Corey will NEVER win an award in his entire career.”

“Corey could fall out of a boat, into an ocean of Superstar of the Month awards, and still not get a single one.”

“But… Isn’t that funny, Vaughnie? Isn’t that a laugh? *You* dig less than the rest and still get the treasure.”

“The entire XWF Universe believes this is the biggest challenge of my Universal Title Reign. As everyone says, my challengers have been… less-than-stellar.”

“I’ve lapped the losers, devastated the downtrodden, IMPLODED the fucking INSECTS…”

“...But, the difference between you and those people, P-Dawg?”

“Everyone else around here eats, sleeps and breathes the company. Cut one and they BLEED XWF. Down to the fucking core, Vaughn-Vaughn.”

“Say what you will about Mieky Graves and his gross, wet pockets. But he donates his fucking energy when he’s not dying in the ring, to blowing his own limbs off running Madness’ deathmatch division.”

“Kieran King, as much as I LOATHE HIM… Is out here on social media promoting every single Madness appearance with a full-blown social media campaign. He’s just giving away his shit in a Twitter will because Cheyenne Fier promised to murder him. Now, THAT’S Fan Engagement, Petey.”

“Then, there’s Peter Vaughn. The man who got fired from OCW in the middle of invading on its behalf. The man who let TPW die and just carried its dead belt around like it was worth a FUCKING DIME.”

“The man who hasn’t wrestled on XWF weekly television in THREE MONTHS. CHECK MY FUCKING MATH™. Vaughnie lost his Supercontinental belt to Chuck, then decided he’d rather play in sandboxes he has an easier time in. He appeared once at a PPV, then not ONE FUCKING APPEARANCE IN MONTHS.”

“Now, let me ask you Vaughnie. Do *you* think you’re world champion material... when you're not a COMPANY MAN™?”


“Do you think SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT is a bright, shiny commune where we can all just share the fanbase and grow the artform together?”

The shape spits on the floor a sphere of pure green bile.

“Grow the fuck up. Capitalism is built on tribalism and loyalty to corporations that would throw your screaming body into the factory machines itself if it made the product come out half a percent faster.”

“We’re in the middle of a goddamn recession, Vaughn-Vaughn. Eggs are gonna cost $24 a dozen, gas is on its way $6 a gallon. Bank accounts are empty. And the people are FORCED to make goddamn choices about their entertainment.”

“Even if the product was free? TIME. IS. MONEY. Every second the fat, drunken slob that is our target demographic spends a half-hour binging other company’s content is a half-hour that our company is LOSING POTENTIAL REVENUE.”

“And it’s my fucking job… To keep the company thriving at all costs.”

“Only one of us has carried a fucking company on its back and lifted it up the fucking mountain top.”


“Check the pay-per-view posters, Vaughnie.”

“What do you see?”

[Image: ezgif-frame-001.png]


[Image: BM-Test-poster.jpg]

“It ain’t an ensemble cast on the poster, Vaughnie.”

“And it sure as shit isn’t somebody that hasn’t wrestled here in THREE MONTHS.”

“It’s MY face on the poster.”

“It’s MY name on the title belt.”


“And I refuse to let it die.”

“I’m keeping XWF from going the way of TPW… Going the way of WGWF for YEARS… This company is the FUCKING PEAK OF WRESTLING HISTORY, ZERO HIATUSES IN 23 YEARS.”


“To a man who’d let this company die in a second.”

“I don’t give a shit how many world title belts you have in your Twitter bio, Vaughn.”

“Only one of us is a REAL World Champion.”

“And it’s.”




To Be Continued…
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