“I believe in Satan. I believe evil is a force that is beyond us, and that we just have to invite him in, and he will.”
— Richard Ramirez

“Mommy! Mommy! Look at the great big statue of that famous warrior!”

The boy's mother was too busy making a TikTok to pay attention to his pleas for her attention. Dancing and making a complete fool of herself while shaking her ass to some popular Kesha song and encouraging her live followers to give her money to supplement her child support payments for the child she was currently ignoring.

“Look Mommy I think it moved!”

From behind the statue, a zombified hand starts reaching its way around the stone horse that was standing far up on top of the hill and reveals a filthy and disgusting-looking limb curled up like a small snake and shaking violently as if it were having a seizure.

“Shut up Theodore, mommy is making money in the most shameful way possible short of being an actual prostitute.”

The boy freezes in place after the hand starts to reveal more of just this minor limb hiding behind this statue, after pulling himself up from laying flat on his face naked in front of the statue we discover what can only be described as the most despicable disgrace of a human being to ever exist in the XWF universe, the Unknown Soldier! The boy screams and runs away petrified as his mother just shrugs it off and continues to produce her TikTok video, nothing can stop them thots from getting their subscribers and likes.

Rising from the ground beside Soldier we see another familiar face, or rather, we see half a face. The other half of this woman’s face is covered in white and black makeup, so we only see the side of her that she wants us to see, the side of her that she knows you can accept. Standing tall in her dirtied tricolor wrestling attire we see the XWF’s most skilled jiu-jitsu specialist, we see the Latina Submission Machina!

What an odd pairing at such an odd time indeed, but this is the nature of War Games and the improbabilities it takes to make opposites attract, but the two of them were not so different. For fate had brought them together, and the path of their silver pentagram necklaces was definitely both of their destinies to one day seek out one another.

It was only ever a matter of time…[i]and that time is now!

“How the heck did I get here?”

LSM says while massaging the sides of her head as if attempting to fight back a headache.

“Oh, that’s just called meth mind my Lucha libra little friend, when you smoke the crystal you take all sorts of trips to and from many places. One minute you’re at the Alamo and then the next you’re in ancient Greece and finally you’re in some park passed out next to some puta.”

LSM looks down at her feet and sees a slew of used needles. She looks back up at Unknown Soldier, horrified.

“I don’t do drugs like that! I smoked marihuana once or twice, but I don’t do stuff like THAT! You must have done something to me!”

LSM points an accusatory finger at the vile scum she drafted in the second round.

“We’re not allowed to invade a women’s privacy here in the XWF any longer. Frodo has been gone for a long time now."

“You were NEVER allowed to! And I KNOW I didn’t take any drugs willingly. The last thing I remember mi Madre’s old necklace was shaking and glowing some dark red color…almost the color of blood itself…”

LSM brought her hands up and clutched the pentagram around her neck.

“But wait…how’d it get around my neck?! I always keep mi madre’s old necklace in my bag, so no one thinks I’m a crazy satanist or anything like that!”

“Our Dark Master has his mystical ways.”

“Who?”

“It certainly isn’t Harry fuckin’ Potter.”

“You. Are. So. Weird. And so is that Mercy chick! You all aren’t REALLY going to go cut up serial killers and create some sort of Tommy Wish replacement monster, right? I thought it was just a good joke at the time, but you and Mercy have kind of been freaking me out…”

“Alexander said we have to take initiative here in order to win this War Games match, and he’s like the God of War, don’t get all wet Game Girl this isn’t some video game reference, but I think we should follow in his guidance. Are you willing to do whatever it takes to win this thing or what? Think about it, if Joey Chestnutt taught you how to eat a hot dog, wouldn’t you listen? It’s obvious that we were brought here to this statue in some psychotic episode whether drug-induced or not we both just had a fucking premonition!”

LSM looks at Soldier skeptically but is unable to disprove anything he says.

“That may be true….but I have a bad feeling about this.”

“The guy did say that Ghost Tank is the biggest piece of shit on the entire planet, and you know that to be true.”

LSM sighs in acceptance of the obvious….in acceptance of the fact that she has to kill an alleged serial killer and chop off part of his body….so that she can like, win War Games and stuff.

“I just wish my life was as easy as Dolly Waters’...if I could just play the martyr all the time, I wouldn’t have to hide half my face in shame of the things I’ve done….of the things I’m going to do…just for victory inside that squared circle.”

“Did the Power Rangers question why they had to mold themselves together for some reason to make some ultra mega badass Transformers rip-off type of thing?”

“Oh, Power Rangers? Great, we have Raion Kido coming to War Games preaching Saint Sayama and we have you coming to War Games preaching Power Rangers. Ay dios mio…you want me to kill a human being with you while we talk about Power Rangers….”

“What does make sense is that for some reason these two evil necklaces want us to come together and find the path to one of the most sinister serial killers and former SATAN! Worshipper such as myself, Richard Ramirez.”

“WAIT, THIS NECKLACE IS EVIL?! IT WAS MI MADRE’S!”

LSM tries to tear the pentagram off her neck, only to find that the chain will not budge or break an inch!

“I hate to break it to ya bub, but your mother, just like mine, was a witch, amiga!”

LSM looks at Soldier not with shock or confusion, but with awe- almost as if a slew of mysteries had finally been solved for her.

“Mi madre was a witch…that explains so much…no wonder we always had the best Haunted House on Halloween!”

“She bathed in the blood of infants, along with setting up the best bobbing for apples stand at the fall festival.”

LSM cringes and looks visibly uncomfortable.

“Wait….she always said she was running a daycare for extra money on the side….”

LSM looks off to the side, horrified, as Unknown Soldier snickers aloud. LSM shakes her head from side to side, trying to free her mind from the clutches of the Soldier’s espoused depravity.

“Stop it! Stop talking about mi madre! Let’s just hurry up and get this over with!”

“Follow me.”

Soldier starts walking off in a seemingly random direction, agitating the dancing Tiktok mom as he walks right through her shot. LSM follows quickly.

“Wait, you didn’t even tell me where we’re going!”

“You see that?”

Soldier points up towards the peak of a Cathedral off in the distance.

“Oh no…”

“Oh yes.”

Soldier smirks as LSM looks increasingly perturbed. Nevertheless, LSM trudges along begrudgingly behind the Unknown Soldier she drafted as he leads her down the path they were always destined for.

“So…who do you think the worst War Games captain is?”

Soldier looks over to LSM curiously as he makes small talk.

“Hmmm…”

LSM squints her eyes for a few seconds as she steps up to walk alongside Soldier.

“I think Calypso is the worst team captain. I’ve been studying the tape and watching the footage of everyone in this competition, and I swear to you Calypso is the least skilled wrestler coming into War Games- well, ever least since Dolly had the good sense to kick Savannah Knightley off her team.

Calypso wrestles with no skill or precision whatsoever, his only technique is to tuck his tail and run. I watched his tag match with Peter Vaughn, and I watched his championship match with Peter Vaughn, and he did the exact same thing in both matches: he just ran away the entire time! He can’t throw a punch, he can’t take a punch, and I don’t even know if he can NAME a single submission maneuver! He won’t know what to do when he’s locked into a clinch with a mat technician like me.

He’s been in this company for what, 8 years? What’s he have to show for the greater part of a decade in this fed? An 11 day championship reign and a win over GHOST TANK? How Calypso managed to wrestle professionally for 8 years without learning a real move is beyond me, but the footage doesn’t lie.”

“Well…wouldn’t that make Oswald the worst captain? For losing to a sorry son of a bitch like Calypso?”

LSM shakes her head in disagreement.

“You might think so, but no! Calypso’s actually worse, because that’s all he has bragged about for 8 years! At least Oswaldo freshens up his act every now and again, heck, Oswaldo has changed his name more times than Calypso’s changed his tune! Oswaldo even has a couple of big wins in his career, like real wins where he actually pins the guy and everything.”

“Against who?”

“Guys like Demos and Centurion!”

“What the fuck is a Demos?”

“Honestly, I still don’t know. Mi Padre tried to explain it all to me, but he doesn’t really seem to know either! I guess it’s like some sort of losing streak demon?”

“So why does it matter that Oswald pinned it?”

“Because that losing streak demon PINNED Calypso- it beat him in 30 seconds! Just last year, for the TV championship and everything!”

“For the record, I was there to witness Calypso defeat Ghost Tank in that meathook match that he keeps so fresh in his memory. Is that really his claim to fame? Hanging Ghost Tank up on a hook like putting a coat away in a closet? That’s nothing compared to how I trampled Oswald in a match that we had many moons ago. Did you know that I defeated Ghost Tank in an Exta Electrified Xtreme Extravaganza match!”

“A what?”

LSM scratches her head.

“We fought at the top of a building during a thunderstorm and an electrified dildo was struck and shoved up someone’s orifice.”

“You’re telling me Calypso got electrified and shoved up Oswaldo’s culo? Ay dios mio….”

“The biggest shot of egocentric idiocracy shaped and shoved up the biggest ass in the XWF, and not just in size but in mentality as well.”

“The biggest ass in the XWF? Woah woah woah, when did Hanari Carnes get involved in the match? Jesus Christo, it seems like the XWF was completely loco before I got here to set things right! To put the LUCHA LIBRE back into pro wrestling! Ugh….Hanari Carnes…I think he sits on the board of the ‘Latinos For Trump’ committee....”

“Yeah, and there’s only one thing I hate more than a Trump lover and that’s a fucking Latino!”

LSM stopped still in her tracks.

“Who do you think I am?”

Unknown Soldier blinked and took a long hit off his crack pipe.

“Well, you’re the daughter to that Charlie Nickles guy and so that means there’s probably at least some sort of blood from the Queen in you.”

LSM holds her hand up as if to cut Soldier off.

“I didn’t draft you for your opinions, I drafted you because of your resume, so just keep your opinions to yourself! Maybe I should’ve drafted NKWC, at least we all know he’s a bootlicker for whoever’s in charge.”

“You’re also different because you work for a living, it’s the lazy losers like Hanari Carnes who just try to slide right in next to his partners and act half as important as them. Sounds a lot like Donald Trump if you ask me!”

“Hanari Carnes’ laziness has nothing to do with being Latino! The fact that he can’t be bothered to win more than one match a year is his own, personal problem- and a problem for his teammates! But it’s got nothing to do with Latinos!

Besides, if we’re talking about lazy partners that just slide in and take credit- you’re looking at the wrong minority! You should be looking at North Korean War Criminal! He didn’t even MAKE IT to finals of War Games last year, and Mark Flynn has carried him in every tag match he’s ever had, but STILL NKWC tries to act like he’s some sort of a big deal! HA! Big deal my culo! BIG DEALS DON’T LOSE TO CHARLIE NICKLES, but I guess NKWC has that in common with his team captain- and with Hanari Carnes, too! They must all be my half-brothers, because mi Padre is THEIR DADDY, too!”

“I’m not sure we should really have to worry about NKWC at all if I’m being honest, I think we can just make one phone call to Kim Jong Un and let him know that one of his own has escaped his country and he’ll either have to return home or have his starving family and seventy-five of his malnourished cousins fed to a pack of wild dogs or something.”

NKWC is about as effective as his fearless leaders nuclear weapons problem. He knows that he can make a lot of noise with his first strike, but after that he’s going to be unleashed hellfire upon and rained on like a volcano in the 666 layers of hell by team Viewer Desecration Advised.”

“As if we’re going to have to worry about Hanari Carnes? You and I both know that Game Girl is carrying that team if they have any hope at all! She’s probably got more testosterone than all the maricas on her team combined!”

“Has anyone told her that video games are for children and virgins? The fact that it’s a chick that plays video games is just a scream for attention and probably just means she cuts herself and listens to emo bands in her room all day. Eventually, she’ll just discover she’s a lesbian, but then bi, and eventually, transform back into a man. Then just realize she’s a total whore who wanted more attention from males so she pretended to like video games just so she could get pounded profusely on a daily basis. I tried to watch some of her promos until I realized that it’s just some type of gibberish anime-looking nonsense and the only people who watch that shit have some sick fetish that not even I can understand.”

As if on cue, LSM starts rubbing the temple on her forehead as an anime-sized crease appears under her mask.

“Jesus Christo you are crass. What are you going to say next? That it was satanism, and not video games, that caused Columbine? Why can’t anything just be about professional wrestling anymore? If I meet up with Game Girl in the finals I won’t need any Resident Evil bologna- all I’ll need is a good old fashioned armbar or two! I’d love to watch her try and play nintendo in a double-cast! Her team might be bringing the games to this pay per view, but I’m bringing the war- and I won’t stop until they submit!”

“If we all went a little more Grand Theft Auto, then maybe people like NKWC and his fearless leader would understand what it’s like to not actually be a bunch of raging pussies who can only make threats but can’t actually back them up.”

The pair look up as the ringing of church bells reminds them of their ultimate goal here and upon their arrival, they notice that both their necklaces are glowing even more profusely than before, and two distinct ends light up on each side almost calling for the other one to be placed inside. The church is suddenly frozen in time awaiting their next move. The two of them look at each other rather begrudgingly but somehow know what must be done. They connect the two necklaces and step through the door and find themselves falling, falling, falling deeper and deeper down the earth's atmosphere and into a land of…. Well there’s no other way to say this, but it’s pure hell!