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The Blue Tango · (06-22-2022)

June 8, 2022
Wednesday Night Warfare

Backstage after the show….

Calypso stares at his own reflection in the mirror with bloodshot eyes. He's standing in his briefs, leaning forward, and partly sobbing into a sink.

*SNIFF* *GAG* *SNIFF*

Quote:NKWC is sweating profusely as he glances up at the man he is lifting. NKWC is set to bring Calypso slamming down, but instead, he accidentally releases the hold entirely! Calypso falls to the mat, still landing on his head, but he looks more surprised than anything else. Mark Flynn screams at NKWC to make the pin anyways, and the tag team champion just leaps down onto Calypso, mounting him at the waist. NKWC holds Calypso’s arms down to the mat as he screams in his face about how great North Korea is. The referee drops to the mat to make the count.

1!

2!!

3!!!

WINNERS BY PINFALL - MARK FLYNN AND NORTH KOREAN WAR CRIMINAL

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We find Calypso leaning against a sink in one of the superstar locker rooms, staring at himself in a mirror wearing only a pair of white briefs.. The room steams and smells of the four eucalyptus shower bombs Calypso used during his near hour-long power shower he had just had.

*SNIFF*

His red-eyes bulge and bug-out of his head as those events keep replaying in his head. He gulps, takes a deep breath, and closes his eyes for a moment.

"I know I let ya down, Pete."

Calypso opens his eyes.

"I let you down and I let your fans down and probably even the whole XWF Universe down. The general fanbase at least. Maybe."

With one hand he turns on the cold water and with the other splashes some on his face. He shutters at how cold it is then reaches into the bag beside him for some clothes. As he throws on a pair of purple and black slax he huffs and puffs again.

"You had two amazing opportunities back there and I blew both of them just like Amy Schumer did that Uber driver and matradee. Because it was unexpected and unwanted. One was the chance to be a double champ in the XWF. The other was to put away the "tag team to beat" since forever ago. Even without that Uni, Peter Vaughn would be at the top of the XWF! The tip of everyone's tongue! The talk of the town, bubby!"

Calypso hops on his one free leg and tries stuffing it down the other leg of his pants. He struggles for a sec, but then manages to complete the rest of the process.

"So, ya know, in letting you and everyone down, I also let myself down, too. Mark Flynn and his Asian buddy said it right… That was like my tenth or eleventh loss in a row, bruh, but this one felt different than all those ones before. Before, I knew that I would always have that win over Ghost Tank to hold over everyone's head. Not everyone had the chance to take down the monster when he was around and he's dead or in a different dimension or something now. Plus, I can't forget probably my greatest time in the XWF, my reign as XWF TV Champion. I was about to save Hollywood when I lost that thing, man, and now look at the state of it. But after failing the world and not taking down the Tag Team Champions in a non-titled match with one of the top dudes I've been forced to tag with, like, ever, none of that stuff made me feel any better. It's like that win over GT and my TV Title reign meant nothing."

He shuffles through his bag now and pulls out a shiny black shirt and throws it over his head. He looks through his collar when he sees the doorway open and his partner against crime walks in.

"Hey dude! Who you talkin' to?"

"Keke! How about a knock or some privacy, bruh! You know this is a private area, yeah? How did you get back here?"

Keke looks confused.

"I dunno, I just came back. Chill dude. It's not like you were changing into the Blue Tango or anything. Chill."

"SHHH!!!!"

Calypso checks the showers and ducks down close to the floor to see if any feet are planted in front of a toilet behind the walls of the stall..

"Are you crazy? What have I told you?!"

"Never bring up that stuff in public. Well, YOU just said this place was private, so…"

"C'mon bruh… You get me?"

"Yeah, dude. I got you, dude."

"It's about our own safety, bruh."

"Shouldn't I get an alter-ego, too, then?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you're Calypso. But when shit hits the fan, dude… When danger is afoot. When shit gets weird… You throw on the mask and… (whisper… whisper…) Ya know.."

"You don't even wear a mask, bruh, so like… No one must recognize you anyway."

"I don't go out much."

The two have a nice, long awkward silence before Keke recalls why he's there.

"Anyway, the reason I came back here is that they've already announced next week's show, dude."

"And?"

"AND you're in a FATAL 4-way. Sounds freak-ay."

"A 4-way? For what?"

"To fight Vaughn for the title next Warfare, dude."

Calypso looks at Keke with a stupid look.

"Angie Vaughn? What is she? Anarchy Champ, maybe? I don't know?"

"Not her. That dude you just had a match with!"

"Peter?!"

"Uhhhhh, yeah, dude?"

"What sorcery is this?! What are they thinking?! What exactly is Smokin' Bob smoking?! Peter and I… We were inVaughncible! We were… inVAUGHNerable! We were adVaughnturous! Advaughntatious!"

Calypso can feel his stomach tighten and his eyes begin to well up.

"What… What are we gonna do now?!"

"You could lose the match so you don't have to face him, you know, like, if you're worried about the beef you'd have later."

"Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm….. Lose on purpose?"

Calypso thinks long and hard about this. He taps his chin and squints up at a light, burning its image into his vision.

"Who else is in the match?"

"Bobby Bourbon."

"Ooooh."

"Dolly Waters."

"Hmm… Eh."

"John Black."

"While there is some mid-low to mid tier talent going on there, I don't think Peter would be too impressed with another loss…"

Calypso thinks longer and harder about this now.

"It's a 1v1v1v1, dude. Pretty sure if you avoid enough dudes in the match you won't take the pin. I mean, if that's what you're worried about. If Dolly gets pinned by Bobby Bourbon it'd be completely out of your hands, right? You wouldn't be at fault for losing at all! Your rep with Peter would be saved and you live to fight another day."

"You really think so?"

"Shit yeah, dude."

Calypso ponders over it some more and suddenly comes to the realization of something!

*GASP!!* "I got it!"

He raises a single finger in the air and pauses.

"What if I won the match?"

"Heh, what match?"

"This one, bruh! The Fatal 4-way! I mean, it has a wide array of talents in there already, ya know? Bobby Bourbon's an old Uni Champ and won King of the XWF this year, so the XP I'd get from him, alone, is probably enough to get me over with Peter, but don't forget about Dolly Waters. Dolly's about what Bobby Bourbon was on factory settings. Version 1.0.0.0.0. She's sniffed around enough big matches before, only for them to end up being too big for lil' ol' her and she gets swallowed up by them. Never the bride, always the bridesmaid. I think by the time she gets it going in this match Bobby and I will already be peaked out, swinging for the fences while she's still cracking foul balls from every other pitch, while John Black is blindly running around trying to catch them."

"Dude, you went like 0 to 60 in like 3 seconds. Slow down."

Calypso takes a deep breath.

"This may be what I was lacking before, Keke! Before, I was confident because I was standing beside a great warrior and champion. NOW, it's up to me to become a warrior and champion. I have such drive! It's like when—"

Calypso looks around real quick like he's telling a really bad joke that he wants no one else to hear.

(whisper… whisper…) "It's like when I put on the mask, bruh. I become someone else and fear goes out the window. Knowing now that I've not only been given another golden opportunity to win the Tag Team Championship with Peter Vaughn down the road but also a chance to redeem myself…. I truly feel inVAUGHNcible. Before it was just a name. Now, it's a feeling. It's… It's a way of life, double-bay."

Calypso huffs and puffs some more then looks Keke square in the face with the straightest face.

"Then! I beat Peter Vaughn next Warfare and become the NEW XWF SUPERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION!!!! Peter will have to respect and adore me then, right?"

"Uh, you okay, dude?"

"Never better, bruh! And THEN! Peter and I challenge Flynn and his war buddy FOR the straps and the chemistry we would have acquired and built-up from our one on one….. we would DE-STOY them! I get it now, bruh! This was Smokin' Bob's plan all along! Booking Peter and I in the now not-so-random tag team match against the Tag Champs, but THEN…. the very next event… not-so-randomly throwing Calypso into a Fatal Four-Way that would lead me RIGHT back to Peter… It's genius!"

"Again, slow down, dude. One thing at a time! Focus on Step 1 before you start thinking about… I dunno.. 7 or 8…"

"7 or 8?! Where do you get 7 or 8?"

"It just seems like there'd be a lot of steps before you and Peter are Tag Champs, I guess."

"Bruh! Like 3 or 4 TOPS! How hard are you looking at this to be? Have you forgotten I'm a former TV Champ? Not my first rodeo, bro. I've had picnics before. I know how to fly a kite. Same road, different highway."

"Say, what?"

"Look, bruh. Bobby Bourbon, the almighty King of the XWF himself, only drives to work on Tuesdays and Thursdays. The rest of the days, he carpools. He's more famous for his longevity in the place than he is for anything he's really done. Let's be honest, with his tenure, if you HAVEN'T done anything with that amount of time then you're looking at someone like Jenny Myst. Yeah, she managed to win the TV Title recently like old Calypso did, but she couldn't do anything without it handed to her on a Centurion platter. So, yeah bruh, Bobby's done plenty, but most of his real fame comes from his recent antics with BOB and the No Good Bastards where, as a group, they were unstoppable as long as Bobby was driving."

"You saying BOB wouldn't be the same without Bob, dude?"

"Well, yeah, bruh. Bobby's star power shined down on the rest of them, but even so, all it ever did was make them all average at best. Evened them out, per se."

"You're, like, really talking him up, dude."

"Yeah, bruh, he's a badass. So, think about it! What'd you say before?!"

"Wut?"

"You don't have to get pinned to lose in the match! I could pin John Black or Dolly and still beat Bobby!"

"......"

Keke scratches his head.

"Well, that's a strategy, I guess."

"Yeah, bruh! I mean, I'm not saying it CAN'T be done or anything. I beat Ghost Tank, I can beat Bobby Bourbon. That's basic. But I would be a dummy if I went after by far the strongest cat in the match, right?"

"For sure, dude. You're not not making sense."

Keke winks.

"Bobby wouldn't make use of this opportunity anyway, he'd waste it. He's probably got a Tag Title match already lined up when TK's back to regular action, so like, I wouldn't wanna get knocked around by Peter Vaughn before all that. Speaking of that, how good would it look if when and where, down the road when Peter and I are going for the Tag gold and we're facing Them Real No Good Bastards and Calypso already has a Bobby Bourbon victory under his belt? I think I would look pretty darn inVaughncible, bruh!"

"Totally."

"Totally! You hear them say all the time that 'It came down to who wanted it more!'" Between John Black, Dolly Waters, and Bobby Bourbon… I have a lot more on the line in this match than the three of them combined! The future of Calypso, the Tag Team Division, AND the Supercontinental Division all rely on the outcome of this match Wednesday night! I want it, bb!"

"Yeah?"

"YEAH!"

Calypso puffs out his chest!

"That's what it's all about, bruh! Who wants it more? I've seen Dolly want something and change her mind in the same breath when something bigger, or shinier, or more handsome rolls by. She's squandered more opportunities like this than Charlie Nickles has, but carried over several, several years. I dunno if its the daddy issues from way back that's fanned out and rooted in almost every adult male figure that she's come in contact with or if the bigger stuff is truly too high out of her reach. You woulda thought that the poor little lady would have hit a growth spurt at one point in her career at some point seeing that she's been with the company since she was like, 9. A couple years into her career here she should've blossomed into a taller, more mature dag-gum lady! Instead, the fruits of a higher purpose remain just out of her reach and guys like John Black manage to catch a few that fall every once in a while."

"Lucky ducky, you say?"

"Bruh. This guy is one of the sneakiest dudes here. He's one more titles catching guys off guard and pinning them backstage than like… anybody ever. BUT. He never has the power or skill to do much afterward. He's like an interim champ at best for someone else to come along that can. Congratulations, sir, you are the weakest link, but part of something truly great! Once this match is over and I pin Black, Dolly, or heck! Maybe even, Bobby… the world will witness the start of a chain of events that will change the landscape of the XWF…. Forever!"

"HEY!!"

Both men shoot up a look to the doorway where a man in a uniform and keys is standing staring at them.

"What are you two still doing here? We're closing this area off. Unless you're part of the crew, get the hell outta here."

They share a glare before Calypso reaches down for his bag and the two superheroes scurry out of the locker room.

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MEANWHILE!!

At the Ozone Lair, Toxicity sits at the head of the table of baddies along with the Smoker, the Fiddler, Vain, and, of course, Kevin Spacey. Smoker looks different than the last few times we've seen him…

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He's gnawing on a wad of several pieces of Nicotine gum after Toxicity deemed his smoking no longer tolerable and banned it altogether, even outside the Ozone Lair. His skin appears to have cleared up and his cough isn't nearly as raw and gross as before. Toxicity sits back in her chair, much larger than all the rest of the chairs, and snickers to herself.

"Everything is falling into place. Soon, the gas prices will be so unbearable that people won't have a choice but to resort to our new formula! Once they're virtually paying nothing to fuel their Rams, their lawnmowers, their ATVs, boats, and private jets… They will, without even knowing it, save the world from themselves…."

She smiles even wider.

"And make us cleanly rich in the process!! Muahaahahahaha!!"

Everyone around the table, except Kevin Spacey, joins in the laughter. Smoker barely coughs up a lung in the process and continues chewing away at his non-smokey substitute.

"MUAHAHAHAHA!"

"You sound much better, Smoker! Aren't you feeling better, as well? Isn't the clean, fresh air provided by Mother Earth, herself, much more refreshing than those toxic fumes you were inhaling before?"

Smoker smiles, giggles, and coughs a lil.

"Oh! Oh absolutely, Toxicity! I'm so *cuff* happy you've stripped me of that right and have such control *cuff* *cuff* over us! Just as you've forced the world to sacrifice their young for the sake of the planet, you've *keh* preserved *keh* my lifespan and lung capacity in doing the same thing! I mean, who would've thought that my little habit caused so much foreshadowing destruction on our home!"

Toxicity nods and bows forward towards Smoker. Vain stretches across the table and shouts out.

"I've recently purchased a Hybrid, myself, Queen…"

"That's an excellent step forward, Vain."

"Taaaaanks!"

The same group shares another short evil chuckle. Fiddler stands up from his seat and starts playing an cheerful, yet, evil little jig with his fiddle. Kevin Spacey snarls and turns away from them to stare in the distance. Toxicity notices.

"Is there something bothering you, Kevin Spacey?"

Fiddler abruptly stops playing and Kevin Spacey snaps out of it and smiles back at the green woman staring at him from across the table with much focus.

"Why, no. Nothing at all. I was just thinking…"

"Thinking about what?"

"Well…"

Kevin Spacey stands up from his chair and places a hand on the shoulder of the Fiddler who takes a seat.

"With everything falling into place, as you say, WHO's to say that the Blue Tango isn't waiting for us to make our next move… Just to spoil it!"

The others around the table stop what they're doing and ponder Kevin Spacey's statement. They recognize that many, if not all, of their evil master plans before have been foiled by the man in the blue mask. Toxicity remains unshook by the statement, however.

"Oh, I have a plan for him, too, Kevin Spacey. A plan, indeed. Muahahahaha!"

The others join in again.

"MUAHAHAHAHA!"

After the short spurt of group laughter there's a few moments of silence. Keven Spacey raises his eyebrows and continues around the table with his hands together behind his back.

"Yes, um, which is?"

"Well, Blue Tango may have thought he had the upper hand after our last encounter. He may think… He got one up on us, yes?"

She looks around the table and everyone but Kevin Spacey breaks eye contact with her.

"No! No, he did not! What he did was start a forest fire, gentlemen… And we don't like forest fires, do we?!"

There's a moment of silence again before Vain slowly and reluctantly raises his hand.

*SIGH* "Yes, Vain?"

"No?"

"Of course we don't!"

"What are you getting at, Toxicity?"

"When the Blue Tango barely managed to escape our clutches, we lost a very important addition to our team of baddies when our Mr. Sleaze was killed by the blue thorn in our side…"

A buzzer sounds behind them and Toxicity reaches under the table and presses a button. A button that just happened to be red. Large metal doors steam and begin sliding open from side to side opening up and revealing a large muscular gentleman stepping into the room.

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"Gentlemen…. Say hello to Mr. Tease."

Mr. Tease cracks his knuckles and snorts and snarls.

"Mr. Sleaze was my father… And I won't rest until I get my revenge….."

There's a long pause as the scene closes in on Mr. Teases face.

".... And KILL THE BLUE TANGO!"

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Back at the Blue Cave…

The Blue Tango and Keke sit inside Calypso's studio apartment under the lighting hue of black lights and blue neon lights. There are blankets over his balcony glass door and all windows blocking any light from coming in.

"Dude, how old is this thing?"

"Not sure. I had it in college."

The Blue Tango replies in a deep, raspy voice.

"COLLEGE? Dude. I can't believe Windows Millennium even works."

Keke sits at a small desk in the corner of the apartment where an old, dusty desktop computer boots up. Tango stands behind him, looking over his shoulder. After several minutes, the desktop finally boots up.

"Finally! Is this what you've been using the entire time, dude?"

"This is the Tango Tron. I've been using other means through my S21 as of late, however, I dropped it off the balcony the other day while I was watering my petunias."

"Okay, cool. That explains why this is so out of date then, huh?"

Keke begins clicking around after no answer from the Blue Tango. He clicks on Internet Explorer and realizes the worst…

"Oh, shit, no… No, no, no, no...."

"What is it?"

"There's... an update."

"You're kidding?!"

"We're screwed, dude. Internet Explorer is no more. Do you have any other browsers?"

"I'm afraid not."

Keke clicks to update.

"38 minutes? Dude…"

Tango and Keke stare with the glow from the screen on their faces as they watch the little bar signaling completion not responding.

"You feeling Chinese?"

"I could eat, but we're getting delivery and you have to answer the door."

20 minutes later…

Tango is slouched down on the couch watching something on TV when there's a knock at the door. Keke is nowhere to be found.

"BRUH— *AHEM* KEKE! There's a knock at the door! Are you… Almost down?"

A toilet flushes from the other room and there's another knock at the door.

"Hurry! I paid with my card over the phone! I will not jeopardize my credit score over nothing if they leave with our food!"

The door swings open and Keke rushes out and makes a B-Line towards the door. Tango makes himself unseen as the door opens and….

"What the–??"

From around the corner, Tango couldn't see what was going on and also couldn't hear anything. He gives it a few seconds then comes back into the room to see something he did not expect to see sitting on his kitchen counter….

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"Pussywhip?! What brings you here?!"

Keke is folded up in the corner of the room, incapacitated. The feline chick crawls on her hands and knees across the countertop, intentionally and uncaringly knocking things off as she goes, including a prized egg-timer.

"Okay, now that was on purpose. What's going on?"

She continues to move along and then goes after a glass set of salt and pepper shakers that fit nicely into a small metal carrier. She picks it up and holds it over the floor.

"That was a gift."

*SMASH!!*

"You monster. Why?"

"Purrrrr… Blue Tango…. Why so blue?"

"I'll be the one asking questions, Pussywhip!"

*ahem…*

Tango and Pussywhip look across the room back to the entrance where an older teenage boy with an acne problem stands carrying the Chinese they ordered earlier. The boy stares into the room and without entering or saying a word he sets the food down and walks away.

"You just blew my cover."

"Prrrrrrrrrr…. I doubt that."

The feline lady sets her butt down on the counter then hops off to head for the refrigerator. She opens it and leans further down into it than she had to and snoops around. She sighs and looks back to Tango with pouty lips.

"Nothing to drink?"

Tango's eyes narrow… He turns towards the cupboard and pulls out a can of evaporated milk and holds it up.

"Will this suffice?"

"Purrr…. I guess it'll have to…."

Pussywhip walks over and gently removes the can from Tango's grasp. She smiles and stares into his eyes before turning and smacking him hard across the face with her tail, which felt like leather. She opens a drawer, seeming to know where a can-opener was stored, and pokes a hole through the can, shoves a straw down through the hole, and sips.

"You STILL haven't answered my question, Pussywhip. Why are you here?"

She hops back up and sits on the counter and crosses one leg.

"You've been up to some serious crime fighting lately, haven't you, Blue?"

Tango leans in and narrows his eyes once more.

"What have you heard?"

"I heard that Toxicity was having a party, and, of course, never bothered inviting MEOW to it… Which is fine… I find Kevin Spacey extremely creepy and…."

She shudders a bit and Tango's eyes widen back up. He takes a small step forward towards her.

"I understand. Go on."

"Well, you tell me, Blue. Word has it that you killed Sleaze and now his son is after some blood."

*GULP* "His… son?"

"Mr. Tease. He's twice as young, twice as fast, and twice as hard in battle as his old man. From what I hear. I clawed some information out of a few thugs on my way over…."

You can't see it, but a layer of sweat builds up on the back of Tango's neck under his mask. He takes a deep breath and with a shaky, raspy voice…

"The boy will get what he was coming to him, as well. Babies are at stake here, Pussywhip. And I won't stand by and watch Toxicity and her thugs wipe out an entire generation!"

"Riiiight… But, he's like 38. He's no little boy. The man you killed was almost 80.

"What?! Impossible! He looked so fab-ul-ous!"

So, anyway, I thought I'd stop-by and warn my favorite color that someone is out to get him and to watch his back."

Tango folds his arms and narrows his eyes through his mask again.

"What was in it for you?"

"Oh, I dunno… Purrrrrrrr A bite to eat?"

Holding up the can of evaporated milk which is now nearly empty, she winks.

"And I thought you'd be up for purrrrrr one, as well."

Smiling, she set the can down on the counter and unfolded her leg.

"You just saw we just had Chinese delivered."

Tango points to the door and sees Pussywhip's eyes roll out of her head. Just then, Keke begins to stir and moan. The cat lady sighs and hops down off the counter.

"Maybe next time."

She rubs her hand across his face and walks all fancy prancy out the door like she's better than everyone else in the room. She probably was. Keke gets up off the ground and finds the Chinese food outside the door and shuts it. With his elbow he flicks a light switch and all the blue lights turn on and the regular, white ones turn on. Calypso pulls the mask off of his face and stares at the door as Keke walks past.

"I didn't realize we ordered Kung POW chicken!"

"Don't be racist, bruh."

He puffs out a loud huff.

"Not cool."

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