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Vita Frickin Valenteen · (05-16-2022)

Finding herself pitted against a BOB and his former preBOB partner, Vita decided to take a page out of the Bastards playbook and produce a big-budget parody for her next promo.

This is that parody.

We open inside of a dark, condemned, and partially crumbling house. The camera moves down a lonely hallway, checking each room as we pass. We slowly approach the final door at the end of the hall when a nasty vampire jumps out, fangs bared, and gives us a right proper scare, but not the man whom we assume the POV of. He quickly, yet calmly raises some sort of harpoon gun to the vampire's nose, smashing its nostrils against its face.

"Suck on this you parasite!"

*BOOM!*

The vampire's head explodes into a bright red mist as the harpoon fires clear through its skull.

"BOBBY, GO!"

Outside we hear the revving of an engine as the slack on the harpoons line tightens!

"See ya, sucker!"

Suddenly the vampire is yanked down the hallway and out into the sun at about 50 MPH! Once the vampire comes into contact with the sun, it immediately begins to smoke and it isn't long before it erupts into a blazing inferno and even less time before that fire burns out leaving only dust that gently scatters in the wind. Confidently, TK walks out of the crumbling house with his empty harpoon gun resting on his shoulder. He stops just in front of the vampire dust pile and lights a cigar as Bobby Bourbon exits the van that the harpoon is anchored to and joins him.

"You see, Bobby, you can forget that pansy Anne Rice shit. Real vampires are really fuckin' ugly. They're even uglier when we drag them out into the sunlight with our patented harpoon/trailer hitch technique and they explode. Look at that shit! A few seconds in the fucking sun and these fuckers look like months old dog shit!"

"You should be respectful to Anne Rice, she died recently."

"I don't give a fuck! Bitch deserves to be dead for romanticizing these fucking pests!"

Bobby stares at the dusty vampire remains with remorse.

"So much for using their skulls as hood ornaments."

"Yeah, vampires suck, bro, and I'll use that joke ad nauseam while we finish clearing this fucking den!"

A series of shots fade between different vampire-death scenes as TK and Bobby drag each and every unliving being out of that house. As the sun begins to set, our two vampire hunters admire the many dusty remains of the vampires that they slaughtered today.

"Wow! We killed a lot of ugly fucking vampires. It's Miller time!"

It is some time later. Our vampire hunters have packed their bags and returned to their hotel for a night of sex, drugs, and booze to celebrate all of the unlife they had removed from this world earlier in the day. Inside, we find Barney Green, Jimmy, Charlie Nickles, Marf, Jim Jimson, and every other background BOB player that serves the purpose of playing the “fat friend” that some girls pick up in an effort to look skinny. TK jumps up on the bed with a half drank clear liquor in one hand and a half-full dark liquor in the other.

“Hey, motherfuckers! Today, we killed a whole shit ton of vampires for no other reason than we knew they existed and where to find them! We will be celebrated for our contributions to society in our efforts to keep the fucking population safe! This, fella’s, is why we do what we do! The more people who fall for our shit, the more money we make! Fuck those vampires! We deserve beer and hookers! Bring it on!”

The vampire hunters cheer their presumed leader. Bobby sits alone in front of the fridge. In one hand he has a third of a full bottle of bourbon, in the other a whole half of a turkey breast, which is only 2/3's of the turkey at best, so Bobby in fact has a whole 1/3 of a whole turkey. Bobby takes a big bite of the turkey breast, leaving only 8333/5000 of a whole turkey left. He follows the half-chewed bite with a big swig of the bourbon that finishes it off, though half of it does dribble down his chin as he resumes sloppily chewing as one of the hookers walks up to him.

"Hi, I'm Melissa Hill, I was in Orgazmo and this movie is my big comeback!"

Upon laying eyes on the aging former porn star Bobby begins to suspect that something isn't quite right.

"Uh, TK... Who's idea was this parody again?"

"I thought this was all you!?"

"No way man! If I were going to hire a porn star from the 90s, I'd at least go with a recognizable name, like Jenna Jameson. I mean, come on!"

The two vampire hunters put their heads together and seem to come to the same conclusion as they yell across the room at;

"CHARLIE!"

Charlie jumps to his feet, dumping a poor whore on her ass. With a cautious curiosity, Charlie asks; "What's up guys?"

"Did you hire this dusty old cooch?"

Charlie seems more confused than anyone.

"Uh... No, I didn't hire anyone. I thought that you guys set this parody up?"

"Obviously fucking not!" TK storms up to the Bluetooth speaker blasting their oh-so-cool party music, and puts a fucking bullet through it! The party comes to a complete halt. The hookers cower in fear, and the BOB-pire slayers stop enjoying their excess to give TK their full attention.

Well, except for Barney who brought an Oculus Quest along for the ride and is currently enjoying some T-Girl action in the metaverse!

"Listen up fuckers! I think we've been had! Whose idea was it to parody John Carpenters Vampires!?" *Crickets* "Yeah, that's what I thou-" Suddenly a bullet whizzes through the window and into the back of Charlie Nickles skull, where it exits, whizzes by TK, and lodges into the wall. "-OH FUCK!"

Bullets continue to reign in through the windows. TK and BOBBY duck for cover, as Does Mellisa Hill since she has an important role to play later! The other BOB's though? All dead!

Except for Barney, who survives purely on luck.

"What the fuck TK!?"

"I fucking know, man!"

"Who do you think set us up, Vita!?"

"This is pretty fucking savage for her, don't you think!?"

"Yeah, but it makes sense, right? I'm facing her in a couple of days. She's been targeting BOB ever since our failed recruiting attempt, and this is a vampire movie!"

"All good fucking points, but before we worry about who did it, we should concern ourselves with getting out of here alive to do something about it!"

The bullets stop and all is quiet outside of the moaning coming from Barney's VR headset. There are some odd camera cuts as Barney seemingly plays with himself, but thankfully we are not shown anything graphic!

"Should we make a run for it?"

"No! They've got the front covered. We'll be swiss cheese if we go that way!"

"Then what!?"

"I don't fucking know!"

Just then, TK hears the bloody, gargled, breathing of Jimmy who is currently dying not too far away from them. TK crawls over to Jimmy.

"Hey buddy, don't worry, pal! You're going to be A-OK!"

"...A...I....don't....fu...eel so good... T...k...."

"No, no buddy, relax! It's fine! You're fine! TK's got you! We just need to figure a way out. Any ideas?"

"...the bath...room... win...dow..."

"BE SERIOUS JIMMY! ME AND BOBBY CAN'T FIT THROUGH THAT WINDOW!!!"

Jimmy's hand trembles as he fights to point at Melissa Hill. "...her..."

Jimmy is fading fast, leaving TK and Bobby to figure it out.

"Me!? Me what!?"

"She could use the harpoon and hitch to pull the wall down!"

"Come on man, that shit only works in the fucking movies!"

Bobby just gives TK a look and TK gets the message.

"You right, let's do it!"

Bobby and TK both jump up and hurry to the bathroom with Melissa Hill in tow.

"Go on! Climb through the fucking window, get to our van, and get the harpoon!"

Melissia seems confused as to what exactly they expect from her, but before she can raise any concerns, Bobby dumps her out of the window!

"HURRY UP!"

"But I don't know-" Suddenly a vampire attacks as Vita just sort of appears behind her and sinks her fangs into the porn actress's neck! This scene too seems very chopped up, but as Vita drinks Melissa's blood, she seems to be in ecstasy.

"Oh shit! It is fucking Vita, make a run for it!"

TK hauls ass to the front door.

"Make a run for it?" Bobby ponders to himself before addressing TK. "HEY! It's just Vita, why are you running!?"

"She's my fucking Kryptonite, man! All of us!"

It's true, for one reason or another, BOB seriously seems to struggle with Vita Valenteen in the ring. TK, Bobby, and Charlie, are arguably the heaviest hitters in BOB, and all of them have found themselves on the losing end to Vita in recent memory. TK swings open the front door.

*BOOM!*

TK stumbles back in shock as Bearded War Pig stomps through the door with a shotgun in hand. TK looks down at the big bloody hole where his beer belly used to be. The then falls over dead! Bobby, who witnessed the whole thing, looks pretty fucking pissed!

"PIG!"

"Call me Joshua."

"YOU KILLED MY FRIENDS!"

Bobby rushes The Wrestler Formerly Known As Bearded War Pig. Joshua smirks and tosses the gun to the floor and the two meet in an epic exchange of blows. We, however, focus on Jimmy, who is still bleeding out but is somehow finding the strength to crawl over to TK and takes off his belt.

"...h....h....he..l...p.... me...... ji....me..."

"...like you... were gonna.... help... me?"

Jimmy tightens the belt around TK's throat and rolls over to put all of his weight into tightening the strap around TK's neck! Jimmy begins sobbing as he tells TK how much he loves him. The whole scene seems odd. Again, poor editing, but the jist of it is TK and Jimmy both died but seemed to make amends in the process, and both men died with smiles on their faces.

Catching back up with Bobby and Pig, they are still trading blows. Heavy blows, the type that would surely knock out most men in one go, but these behemoths just keep absorbing them and firing back with their own, but eventually, as expected, Bobby gains the upper hand and hurls BWP across the room! Bobby realizing that he's in over his head with Vita AND BWP coming at him, high tails it out the door and to the van! Once inside, Bobby fumbles with the keys for a moment before finding the correct one! As he shoves it into the ignition, Vita vampire hops onto the hood of the van and began nagging him!

"HOW COULD YOU GUYS KILL ALL OF THOSE INNOCENT VAMPIRES!?!"

"YOU KILLED ALL OF MY FRIENDS!"

"NO! That was Pig! I just bit HER!"

Vita points behind Bobby, where Melissa Hill is laying in the back seat, drained from Vita sucking her down to a quarter tank! Bobby grunts and exits the van, opening the side door and dumping Melissa on the pavement! He then slides the door shit and climbs back into the driver's seat. Vita allowed all of this to happen.

"What are you doing?"

"Getting the hell out of here! Now move!"

Bobby turns on the windshield wipers, which prove to be a slight annoyance for Vita, who backs away from the window.

"You SUPPOSED to take her with you! Why is it that you guys can never stick to the plot!? I guess that you'll need some convincing!"

Vita uses her vampiric thrall powers to command Mellisa Hill to her feet and back into the van. It's not long before she's trying to seduce Bobby.

"What is this!? Stop it!"

"If you take me with you, I'll make it worth your while!"

Annoyed, Bobby glares at Vita. "If I take her with, can I leave!?"

"Of course, but you totally have to go to a hotel room and prepare to face me on the set of a generic western tomorrow night!"

Bobby raises an eyebrow at Vita as Melissa rubs her hands all over his chest.

"And why's that?"

"Because it's the plot of the movie!"

Suddenly bullets begin reigning down on their location. It's Joshua Schuler, back on his feet and carrying a frickin M60! Vita springs off of the hood and disappears into the shadows as Bobby turns the engine over and peels the fuck outta there!

Sometime later, we rejoin Bobby and Melissa Hill in a hotel room. Bobby has Melissa tied to the bed. She is also naked. Now that we've seen her flabby old woman butt, Bobby unties her and allows her to put some clothes on. Melissa tosses the clothes to the floor and throws herself on Bobby. He backhands her back onto the bed.

"Shut up you stupid bitch! Don't you see that we have bigger things to worry about!?"

Melissa Hill springs back up from the bed and bites Bobby Bourbon, possibly infecting him with the vampire virus? Probably not, she's just a thrall, but does Bobby know that?

"What the fuck!?" He knocks her away with a vicious backhand! "You stupid bitch! Am I a vampire now too!?!"

Bobby grumbles to himself as he sanitizes the wound with bourbon, which probably isn't a good idea with all of the sugar in it... He then takes a big swig as he holds a bloody towel to his neck. Melissa comforts him as we fade to the generic western set at dusk. Vita Valenteen waits alone in the middle of the dusty main road, just in from of POP'S GENERAL STORE, and across from ETHEL'S BED AND BORDELLO. The sounds of boots thumping in the dirt catches her attention. She turns towards the source of the sound just as TK steps out onto the street, his gut held together by much duct tape.

"You? You're dead!"

"No way, babe! Check the fucking script! James Woods makes it all the way to the end to end you fucking idiot!"

Vita somehow produces a script and flips through to the end. Sure enough, TK is supposed to be here!

"But how did you survive having your belly blown out!?"

TK waves her off. "Pffft! You think that's gonna stop me! Can't you tell by my tight black jeans and big fucking revolver that I'm a badass vampire killer!?"

"Whatever, let's just do this!"

Vita prepares to brawl with TK, who COULD totally just shoot her but doesn't. "What? No way, I'm just the distraction!"

Suddenly, as if they appeared out of thin air, headlights beam onto Vita as Bobby comes speeding towards her in his van! Vita leaps out of the way and Bobby mows down TK instead! Bobby jumps out of the van and morns his friend again, but not for long because BWP shows up again! Joshua, Bobby, and Vita all slowly approach each other as Melissa hill runs out of the van stark naked and gets between them.

Somehow, this all ends in a tastefully edited orgy.

[Image: Totally-NOTJohn-Carpenters-Vampires-A-XX...Parody.jpg]

*All acts of sexual nature have been edited for public broadcast.
**All roles played by actors to skirt responsibility for royalties or some shit.
***Buy the X-rated version online !

Shoot

"Okay, so I did a porno. I'm not in any of the skin parts, but I totally made a porno. I guess that's what I get for trying to throw together a last-minute parody and putting all of my faith into the people over at Burning Angel Studios to produce, direct, and edit the thing. It just goes to show that people should stick to what they're good at. So I'll let the Bastards go back to cornering the market on cheap movie parodies and I'll just focus on what I'm good at."

With a pointed finger!

"Winning wrestling matches against members of BOB!"

It's true! TK, Charlie, Oswald, and yes, even Bobby Bourbon ALL had recent unanswered losses to the forever teenage vampire.

"That's why I SHOULD be a big threat in this match but am I!? If you ask me, all of the attention seems to be on the returning Bearded War Pig, who now prefers the name, Joshua Schuler. Hey, I get it! I do! There's unsettled beef there dating back years! I remember BWP shockingly attacking his brother from another mother huffer and kicking off what was sure to be a high grossing and highly entertaining feud between former partners and friends. That didn't happen. Instead, the War Pig, the instigator of the whole thing, he packs up and leaves! Where does he go? Who gives a frick!? He's here now, so he's totally not dead, and that means that he's just a frickin coward that shouldn't be worth anyone's time, ESPECIALLY when it comes to the main event on War Fare!"

"You know, I have been racking my brain, trying to figure out the thought process behind the booking here. For sure, Bobby and Pig have some stuff to settle, but the buzz on that ish is three years past its expiration date, and management knows it, so they throw me into the mix! Why? Well, besides the obvious fact that I will perform to the fullest of my potential, something that neither of the men stepping into the ring with me on Wednesday can claim for themselves, there's also Leap of Faith. You know, a little upcoming match we're doing at the Pay-Per-View that shares the matches namesake. In it, both myself and Bobby Bourbon. Now, this match could easily be a prelude to that much bigger match, and yeah, I get that we're both still in this match, but adding War Pig just muddies the whole affair! Now poor Poo-BOB has two people gunning for him and while Joshua might have his sights set on settling a years-old beef, that beef is with you, Bobby Bourbon!"

"The smack talker supreme, grand high King Poo-BOB. A man who endlessly carries on about how the ring is his playground and anyone else are just toys for him to assert his will onto, and hey, it's not untrue. Bobby Bourbon can roast with the best of them. He tends to get inside of people's heads before the bell rings, and then it's super easy to assert that weight, right? The problem is, Bob-o, you're not getting into my head, just like you didn't a few months ago when I defeated you to capture my first Television championship!"

"You, in my head? Yeah, like not at all! You won March Madness? Okay, congratulations, you also failed to recapture the Tag Team titles with Charlie, marking two partners that you've failed to carry back to the limelight. 50/50 is totally kingly though, right? It's honestly starting to make me question who was REALLY behind the rise of The Bastards, but then again, TK isn't exactly a wrestling guru, is he? I mean, he's like 0 and 3 against me so far, so sorry if I'm not impressed."

"And honestly, the more I think about it. The more it upsets me that _I'm_ the frickin sideshow to this lame-duck feuds tardy conclusion! I have busted my butt all year trying to make some headway here in the XWF. March proved to be an amazing month for me. I racked up quite a few solid victories and even captured the 24/7 Freestyle championship along the way! Then April came, and as the old saying goes, it brought some showers with it, but just as the saying implies, those showers only serve to bring life for the budding crops to grow in the spring. Well, May 18th is just about as spring as you can get, and this flower is ready to grow! Bobby Bourbon, Joshua Schuler, prepare for this feud of yours to end as unspectacularly as it began when I say screw it and break the heroic code once more to STEAL this frickin match out from under you two!"

The scene fades to this still of Vita's body double from the film.

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