(OOC: This is about to get real weird and maybe a little meta. Bear with me.)

In 1999, America was at a very different point.

There was a culture panic around violent media across every conceivable medium.

‘Video games caused school shootings’.

‘Dungeons & Dragons caused satanic worship’.

‘Metal music caused suburban serial killers’.

And in the midst of a conservative demand that we return to traditional family values, in the midst of congressional hearings holding controversial entertainment mediums on trial.

A wrestling company formed and produced events for live television… seemingly out of nowhere. The paperwork on its founding is incredibly limited.

The XWF.

When you read its file in the US Securities & Exchange Commision, its founder was allegedly 14 years old at the time the company was started. Somehow, this did not prompt further investigation into how a teenager could start a wrestling company, broker deals with Television networks and found what would one day become the largest sports entertainment franchise globally.

At a time when violent media was being dissected and analyzed for societal harm, the XWF completely avoided such examination. More interesting, it has remained that way for the last 22 years.

While talking heads on the news shout about the color of Starbucks Christmas cups, the XWF was having crucifixion matches on a fucking Wednesday. When senators were arguing whether a video game about six armed men sumo wrestlers and rotoscope ice ninjas was a ‘murder simulator’, the XWF was garroting its employees with barbed wire and no one seemed to notice.

While America dealt with its ongoing crisis of political correctness versus freedom of speech that we’re still choking on as a people, XWF had on its roster members of the Ku Klux Klan, active nazis and a man who identifies as a North Korean War Criminal, a status that should have him in Guantanamo Bay and not on regularly scheduled programming.

ADDENDUM: This month, they hired a super baby. Wait, did I dream that?pig born from mad science.

And it has remained legally and even critically untouched. As far as public record is concerned, the FCC has never once fined or even contacted the XWF for its numerous and abundant violations in the realms of obscenity, indecency and violent depravity.

What’s craziest is that the Satanic Panic of the 80s and 90s never went away. The terrified PTA parents and religious fanatics never stopped waging their war over the remote.

It just transformed into different forms of moral outrage. The constant anger perpetuated into paranoia as terrified parents felt helpless and eventually, this all catapulted into the environment we sit in now. We’re dealing with Global Pandemic 2, which, just like everything else, looks like it’s going to become a franchise with annual installments.

Half of the country is convinced that the government is out to microchip them via vaccine for tracking purposes while they have a phone that tracks their location, speed and political beliefs in their pocket.

And the XWF hasn’t seen one fucking sanction. They’ve self-policed more than they were even expected to, removing a lot of their own ultra-violent or hateful content.

But, that’s the key word here: Self-Police. They haven’t gotten one fucking iota of pressure from outside forces to conform or even ease back on the violent content.

They’ve made more changes because of social media campaigns and fucking online petitions than any government interference.

Part of that might be America’s obsession with protecting corporate interests… and obfuscation regarding the XWF’s board of directors.

No paper trail on the company’s many ownership and leadership transitions in the last two decades.

No investigation into the labor law violations of forcing an employee to defend him-or-herself 24/7.

No documentation on how they obtained clearance to produce multiple shows in North Korea.

They don’t even get permission from the state athletic commissions.

There wasn’t even a false advertising lawsuit when they promised to produce a show ON THE MOON and then didn’t.


The only thing they produce regularly for the public in terms of publicly-available literature? A quarterly financial statement.

And it always looks very… VERY good.

The XWF falls somewhere between Facebook, Google and Tesla in terms of its existing market value. It’s a trillion dollar company and the largest entertainment empire on the globe.

There are rumors that XWF management is currently in talks to buy controlling ownership stakes in both Disney… and Pornhub.

That is absurd. That cannot be true.

Hey, it’s a rumor. And the reason I just bought stock in Disney, you do with that tip what you will.

...

If the XWF were its own country, it would be the world’s eighth largest economy.

Which is probably another strong reason why the US government opts not to interfere in the company’s affairs.

There’s too much money changing hands and ending up in the right pockets for anyone to want to turn the endless dollar faucet off.

Not to mention the technological innovations that have come from its existence.

Technological innovations?

Okay, buckle up, this is where things get zany.

Much like exploring the stars gave us innovation like velcro and memory foam, the XWF gave us… undeniable proof of the existence of time travel.

Sentient and self-actualizing artificial intelligence.

Knowledge of life on other planets.

The XWF tantalizes us with the knowledge that we’re still standing on the shore of limitless possibility.

And here’s the crazy thing. Are you sitting?

I’m tied to a chair.

These things were not pioneered by the XWF.

These things CAME to the XWF.

The most mind-blowing ideas Jules Verne, Ray Bradbury and Mary Shelley ever dreamed of showed up at XWF HQ asking to sign on the dotted line.

They crawled out of the woodwork. They crossed time and space or the length of the universe… to travel to this exact point, temporally AND geographically, in history.

To compete physically in biweekly organized wrestling.

The XWF has, completely unintentionally, given us a terrifying glimpse into how incredibly small, low-tech… and out-gunned we are on this planet. And more importantly to the higher-ups, in this country.

So, what about the XWF entices… time travelers, aliens, robots, monsters and Tommy Wish?

Great question. We have a theory that… there’s some communication channel the XWF has.

Like a phone?

...More like a beacon. Or… even more accurately, a big neon open sign.

We’re not sure the XWF knows how to use it, or even if they’re aware if they turned it on in the first place. We’re not even sure they could turn it off if they wanted to.

All we know is the XWF is a giant sign saying ‘Come In! We’re Open For Business!’, the Earth is a Denny’s at 3 AM and all of a sudden, we’ve got a drunk interstellar party of 36 that wants to eat waffles ‘til its stomach bursts and if they don’t get their fill, they’re carrying enough heat that they could do… a lot of damage.

...That’s quite a metaphor.

Now I’m hungry for more Moons Over My Hammies.

Of course, it goes without saying that the United States is… interested. If they could tap into this beacon, and gain access to any of these technologies, we’re beyond nuclear weapons. We’re beyond deterrence theory. We’re even beyond diplomacy.

The Nuclear Arms race of the Cold War era?

The Space Race of the 1960s?

Time Travel is the international race of the 2020s. And it’s the last race the United States has to win. For the good of the world.

Pssshh… You’re trying to tell ME that the US wants ‘The good of the world’?

...Can I continue?

You’re correct, their interests are… shall we say, motivated by self-interest.

The military applications of time travel? My God, we’re talking about an end to unnecessary casualties, guerilla warfare…

What’s the point of even planning an ambush if the side you’re ambushing can reverse time after it happens?

This secret has a value where you write a 1 down and then you never stop writing 0’s after it.

Now, obviously, the American government’s first move was to offer to buy out and subsidize the company. Sub in some leadership, see what makes it tick. Essentially put down money to get a look at the machine from the inside.

They were… not interested.

So, naturally, the US government pursued a less-friendly, but not-quite-antagonistic tactic: Espionage.

Covert federal agents attempted to actually get jobs at every level of the company to start gathering intel.

They applied as accountants, as marketing execs, as janitors. They showed up to company try-outs for talent. They bought Facebook Ads to show up as caterers whenever a Pay-Per-View event was coming up.

They cast a wide net.

And it missed.

Or… rather... was expertly dodged.

The United States Government is now convinced that the XWF has men on the inside of its federal agencies, revealing its inner machinations.

LOL. Git gud, Uncle Sam.

...Yes, ‘get good’ indeed. At this moment in time, we only have two people on the inside of the company that represent the interests of the Federal Government.

And one of those alphabet creeps is you, Mark Flynn?

Yep.

Who is the other?

Classified.

What’s his first name?

Classified.

That’s a funny name. Where’s he from?

Classified.

Oh, maybe it’s a family name.

So, Mark Flynn, if I may…?

I usually prompt for questions at the end of the lecture, but I’m already off-track with an Abbott & Costello routine, so go ahead.

How are you involved with this investigation?

...Now, see, that’s a whole other story…

So, 2014.

I’m the X-Treme Champion.

I don’t know how closely y’all were watching my promos. I was smitten with Katie Smackins? Their family friend Crack was jealous and trying to stick his nose in the middle of it?

Ah, yes, that period. Very funny!

Like Three’s Company!

I was in a one-man death cult obsessed with forcing the apocalypse.

...I had forgotten that part.

That wasn’t in Three’s Company.

It should have been, though.

Anyway, at the time, I had been tag teaming with John Black. We were vying for the tag team titles because of a dream I had, a vision about a lost interpretation of The Book of Genesis in which before the End of Days, the world would be Black’s.

...Did you think the BIBLE was referring to the world as the XWF tag titles?

I did not.

Oh, okay. Good, cuz that would be crazy.

I thought it meant the XWF Universal Championship.

...Ah.

Yes, I think we all agree that makes much more sense.

...

It’s the reason I wanted two briefcases. I wanted to cash in, obtain the XWF Universal Title, drop the title to Black. And if the sky didn’t start falling, I was just gonna cash-in, take it back, start from square one.

...May I ask a quick follow-up question that I hope won’t deviate you too far from your train of thought?

Hit me.

Why do you want to bring about the end of the world?

Great question. It’d be defeating every person on the planet. At the Exact. Same. Time.

…

The Ultimate Victory.

…

No rematch. Ever.

…

Do you not understand?

No, I think I do. It’s just also the most insane thing I’ve ever heard.

I don’t know about that, Kato. I’ve heard crazier things this year alone.

Have you, commander?!?

...I mean, Chris Chaos thought he was going to do well at WarGames. I feel that’s equally crazy.

Anyway, at the time, I was… to put it bluntly, I was on a hot streak winning my matches, but I was also spiraling as a human being.

This was around the same time I went to bail out Theo Pryce from jail and ended up bringing a briefcase full of 110 pounds of cocaine.

I was trying to kick morphine and pain killers… then fell off the wagon.

And when I fall off the wagon? I fall haaaaaaaaaard.

Next thing I know, I’m surrounded by feds with guns, needle in my arm, lacking the muscular strength to suck the saliva back into my mouth and they twist my arms into pretzels.

I legally had enough cocaine in my possession to be classified as two different South American countries.

Fortunately… And unfortunately... the feds were looking for a backdoor into the XWF mechanism and decided to launch a lot of legal resources…

And I’m not an alien or a robot. I’m a regular morphine addict from Michigan. With a social security number and a number of arson-related offenses on my criminal record.

And… let’s just say, they found the… necessary foothold that would compel me to comply.

What do they have on you? Is it blackmail? Were you doing illegal abortions?

Kato! A gentleman never asks and a back-alley abortion doctor never tells.

They’ve... limited access to my necessary assets until I achieve their designs.

...So you weren’t doing abortions?

Get off that topic.

Okay, so to sum up: The US Government wants you to infiltrate your former employer to... discover the secrets of time travel?

Well… no, honestly, that was two presidential administrations ago. The last one got into some real wild occult shit. Like you know how the Nazis were looking for the ark of the covenant? You’d be stunned to know what artifacts the last guy was into.

...Would I really?

...Well, you’d be put off.

That leads into now. The new administration was frankly considering cancelling the project. I’ve been sitting in a storage unit twiddling my thumbs and eating saltine crackers for eight years. I was hoping I’d get cut loose.

Then, the XWF starts ...making moves.

What do you mean?

Well, the CEO Vinnie Lane is going through his #metoo moment by stepping out of the spotlight (although the company just put him in the Hall of Fame, not the best corporate optics)...

And Theo is a friend, but he’s got a number of distractions on his mind. So, a little pocket of the corporate structure, a little insulated bubble of internal interests form.

We start seeing a number of hirings and firings outside of the XWF ownership sphere. This points to two truths.

One, the XWF is in a state of flux and it’s never been more vulnerable to possible infiltration than right now.

Two… Something is happening.

Something is happening?

Something is happening.

What is happening?

They have no idea. And the fact that they have no idea terrifies them. They want eyes on the inside.

All they know is the beacon is burning bright. And they’re afraid something might show up that plunges the planet into chaos and fire.

Is that not the apocalypse you crave?

Not at all. Because I wouldn’t have caused it.

Okay, I think this is starting to make sense. You plan to infiltrate the XWF under the guise of a returning employee?

Oh, not at all. The XWF definitely already knows what’s up.

...What?

Yeah, if there is a mole, they already tipped off the insiders that I’m with the feds.

Then why stick with the plan?

It’s a gamble. The XWF is gambling that I have my own designs and resentments against my government overlords and am more eager to break off my chains than actually carry out their plans.

It’s a fair bet considering how much I owe Theo for pulling that aforementioned cocaine stunt.

The government is alternatively betting that I’m so desperate to win at any cost, I’d sink the entire company to the deepest pit in Hell if it meant I could sit at the highest point on the ladder.

They’re both putting all their chips in the center, confident they’ve made an educated guess at what Mark Flynn is going to do. Basically, they both think I’m more interested in betraying the other side than I am interested in betraying their side.

Who’s more correct?

Classified.

...Huh.

Okay. This is a bizarre story, but I’m following it. I just have one final question.

Why did you wait 8 years to return?

This is where NK comes in.

Me, you say? I’m a part of this fantastical story?

You play a big role in this story.

They had sidelined me to wait for the right moment. They need the right angle to release me back into the wild.

In 2015, you had been flagged as a potential interest to support this mission.

Hahaha, preposterous! The idea of me supporting American interests.

Not so much supporting American interests, but working to the detriment of the XWF.

This was after the owner of the company at that time killed you with a tank.

Before your debut match, I dropped a business card with Kato.

Aha! The card I kept! The number we called. This was all a part of your plan?

Yeah, though I imagined you’d call a lot sooner than 6 years later.

Yes, well, I hadn’t planned on getting lynched in a wrestling ring on national television.

But that event only solidified their interest in you. You’ve been killed twice and came back twice. Both times due to either the direct decision OR the negligence of the XWF.

And we know, the XWF corporate office isn’t changing its tune. They’re trying to show you the door. They want your contract to terminate. And if you don’t leave quick enough, they might find another tank to explode you with.

Basically, it’s work with us or hope that the third time isn’t the charm for them putting you in the ground permanently.

…

You’re telling me that the United States wants to work with a war criminal?

Haha, I think all three of us are comfortable in the knowledge that it wouldn’t be the first time.

...Fair. But a North Korean War Criminal?

Look, I’m gonna level with you. This whole case sounds like it’s insane. But even the insane federal investigations are still wrapped in a couple dozen layers of old-fashioned all-American bureaucracy.

There are other offices interested in investigating and preventing you from succeeding here.

And I’m not working for them.

If anything, working with me and my handlers would provide you… a layer of protection.

Like a shield?

As much a shield as a mountain of paperwork can provide.

And the US trusts me?

No.

The US was taking another calculated risk that you’d rather work against the XWF to bring it down. And even then, they waited six years to loop you in, after YOU came to them.

I never came to them.

You came to me. Same diff, as far as they’re concerned. You showed up hungry for help and this is their offer to… collaborate.

...So, the Optimal Path is a lie.

…

Oh no, NK. The Optimal Path is my new belief system. It is my God, my savior and my redeemer.

It supersedes everything. It has led me to this point.

And while I am bound now, I know following the Optimal Path will lead me…

To My Ultimate Victory. Over everyone.

…


So, what are you offering us, Mark Flynn?

Same thing I already offered, NK.

A taste of beating down everyone who doesn’t take you seriously.

A chance to lop the head off the dragon that is your corporate antagonists.

I’m offering you the secrets of the Optimal Path.

And…?

...And what?

The XWF Universal Championship. I want it.

…

I will say it one more time.

The Optimal Path is a very… very effective technique.

But for it to work at its highest possible rate of success, it will require.

Your.

Complete.

And.

Utter.

Devotion.

And if you can do so…

You will succeed in every goal your mind can conceive of setting in your path.

…

…

…

So…

Do we have a deal?

…You’ve piqued my curiosity.

I’d shake hands on it.

But we’re still tied up.

Oh.

Yeah.

Let’s take care of that, shall we?