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Dolly Waters · (12-26-2020)

-continued from ‘Fear and Loathing’-

Forever Young:

Things had gone completely dark for a moment, but then the light from Muddy’s candle-lit wreath illuminated a wall. The light wasn’t fully welcoming, but it showed me just enough. It was almost like watching a shadow puppet display during a simpler time.

I was peering off at myself during Christmas Eve from probably ten years ago, and though it didn’t seem real, I knew that it was, and I knew that I was there again: that old, poorly insulated motorhome in Imperial Trailer Park.

The walls in the tight living room area were thin and stained from cigarette smoke.

”Daddy?”

A younger, more frail version of myself quieres from the sticky laminate flooring over to my younger father who was hopelessly placed in a fold out chair in the middle of the essentially empty room. His tendering face was buried evenly in each of his palms,

”Yeah, baby?”

He replied, not really moving outside of a few jerks and shivers,

”She ain’t coming home tonight, is she?”

He didn’t need to answer, and even then I knew I didn’t really need to ask. Of course Momma wasn’t coming home tonight. But still, Muddy pulled his beaten his face up and looked over at me, mustering what bit of a smile he could before saying:

”She’s probably workin’ late again, Baby-Doll.”

I smiled at him, twisting the corner of my mouth into a curl while knowing full well he was lying just to make me feel better. Momma hadn’t been coming home for a while unless it was to fight with Daddy or to scream at me, which only made the fighting worse. Honestly, while we may have struggled a bit more without her food stamps, or the extra money she seemed to always hussle up, the atmosphere at home was a much gentler one. The trade off was worth the typical emptied belly aches.

How did we get here?

I asked my father’s apparition while turning away from the nostalgic scene for a moment,

”We always been here, Baby.”

This only ever happened once, Da-- Muddy.

“And here we are again, ain’t we? We go on forever as long as someone remembers.”

The younger Dolly Waters pulling up from the floor and peeling her slippers on and off from the neglected and cheap material catches my attention. I remembered seeing this whole moment from those eager and guileless eyes once before. Now looking into what I once viewed from, I could again feel those sensations. A gullible and unconditional sondering for my father’s soul. He was sitting there wishing to be hidden, ashamed of the barren Christmas morning he knew was on the horizon.

As I approached him I knew his painstaking was even deeper; the man who I was destined to entrust with my safeguarding was slowly dying an emotional and physiological death. His hand violently jittered as I pulled it back away from his face and tried pulling his attention back away from the hurt and into something I knew warmed him.

”Daddy?”

I said as he drug his bloodied and wet eyes up to look into mine. He answered me: ’Yes?’ with a mere flex of his brow,

”You ain’t had none of that stinky water you like in a while…”

”Baby I-”

He said with a gravely sob,

”Here…”

From the front pocket of my denim overalls I pulled out a grimy collection of quarters and dimes, along with a few wadded up bills. It was the seven dollars Daddy had given me for my birthday a little more than a month before. I believe I was planning to save it up for one of those cool light-up yoyos. The school would allow those companies to come solicit at the gym every year. But why get caught up dreaming about the future when I can at least sew a little comfort and love in the here and now?

I hand my father the money, his heart crumbling harder on his face with each coin hitting his hard worked hand.

”If you hurry I think the beer store is still open.”

He shakes his head ‘no’ through my words. I already knew what he was going to say. A viscerally human response that any ashamed, broken, and yet still caring and loving parent would instinctively blurt out without a second thought. But I stop him, letting him know that doing what’s usually wrong can be done for the right reasons. There was no sense in spending Christmas Eve together poor, cold, hungry and unhappy. And if he wasn’t catching all of those drifts at least he know that:

”It’s okay, Daddy. I don’t care.”

Some short time later we returned to the trailer, my father with a cheap fifth of vodka tucked under his arm, and for me a box of Little Debbie Christmas Trees. Silent Night is softly humming from a radio in the corner of the living room near the lone wrapped gift under our scantily dressed tree.

I look up at my father, he’s already beginning to bask and glow in the holy spirits, his nose lighting up as I smile back at him with some cake crumbs around my mouth.

”Baby-Doll, how bout you go on and open that present? It orta’ be close enough to Christmas now.”

I light up and snag the newspaper wrapped gift. I already knew what it was, I saw Muddy stagger in with it a few nights before; but I had been just itching to get my hands on it. I tear back the horoscopes to reveal a fresh hardback copy of Mark Twain’s: The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. Climbing up next to my father on our tattered sofa, and cracking open the book, I can feel the swelling warmth of being secure amidst the struggles of life. His embrace, while imperfect is just fine, as is my evolving resolve.

Dad?

”Not yet, Dolly. There’s something else you orta’ see.”

Muddy squeezes my hand tightly as the shadow on the wall of Christmas Eve 2010 fades. A new light then appears in its place.

I know this place too, it wasn’t all that long ago. It was the day I received the offer, the one thing that was going to mend, forever, the wreckage and everlasting joke that my life continued to decompose into.

I see myself, brittle and nearly unrecognizable, my face sunken and gaunt. I’m standing on the edge of the Frankfort cemetery, just near Daniel Boone’s grave that from atop of the river valley overlooks the town where I grew up. It had been a few months since my coming of age, and December of 2019 was barreling down on us all with an unprecedented series of ironies right around the corner.

I took a long, chest crushing smack from the crystal pipe, and my head started twirling with an unnatural fervor. My eyelids beginning to flutter, I exhaled the black smoke, watching it linger in front of me before summoning him again:

”Soldier…”

The black cloud of smoke materialized into a figure,

”BEHOLD!”

He reaches out and pinches his grasp into my forearm, jerking my body nearer to his.

”What do you want, little girl? This is the 666th time you’ve called my name!”

”I know, I was keeping count.”

With a cold, incredulous stare I feel him dig in through my eyes and peer into my soul. Even he gets a kick at just how unlively and depraved I’ve become. Soldier breaks the intense moment with a wild and inhumane cackling, holding his gut as leans over with a shuttering laughter that echoes down through the valley.

”Why are you acting like such a scared little TWAT, my pretty?! What are you running from?!”

My cell phone buzzes. It’s a text from Thaddeus Duke. He’s asking where I’ve been and wishing I would return back to the XWF, but more importantly he says: “I just want to know that you’re okay.”

I ignore my friend, and answer the devil,

”Over the years the harder I tried to become something, the uglier I got. There wasn’t no respect that came with success. Only mockery and pain. All I ever wanted was to make amends for the disgusting laughing stock my father was, and no matter how hard I tried, no matter how many pieces of gold I wore around my waist, all I ever became was a proxy of that feeble piece of shit…”

Still holding my father’s hand I look over at him as he stoically watches the scene continue to unfold.

”...The older I get, the more I feel myself careening towards being Muddy Waters, and that’s the last fucking thing I want. Every time I go back to the XWF, I inevitably fall on my ass and continue the long running rape joke. I’m fucking over it. If I’m going to be without any cause in this world, I don’t want to dry up while I do it…”

”SO! You’d like to remain the same, boring, overthinking, stubborn little bitch forever, and never develop into anything different beyond the height of your former glory?!”

”If that’s what it takes to not grow into something more hideous than I’ve already become, then so be it!”

”Well this sounds familiar! Almost like a PROPHECY! Well by SATAN! I have just the thing for you!

Solider rams his arm elbow deep into his throat and begins tugging really hard. After a few moments of struggle he pulls Peter Gilmour out of his stomach and stands him beside us,

”Sup, Dolly?”

”Oh hey, Peter.”

”Stay put here, bubs and guard the meth! For some reason I feel like doing this title shitter a favor!”

”Okay, cool.”

The tame and rational Peter responds,

Soldier plunges his sordid and decaying fingernail into the empty space ahead, ripping through the fabric of existence. He begins to carve out a door right in front of us, the seams glowing a bright red light. He finished carving the door out and proceeded to knock on it 666 times.

It bursts open, and before I can even gander at what lies beyond, Soldier yanks my hair and lunges us through the door together. The red light consumes me as I feel the breath being ripped from my body. In what felt like an eternity my head swelled and my eyes popped from my skull, I could feel my feet land on a solid surface but a blinding pressure caused my swollen cranium to begin sinking back in itself and just as I was about to combust into nothingness, Soldier placed his hand over my mouth. Oxygen reentered my body and everything was restored as I breathed through his hand.

Looking up, I released a muffled shriek into his palm. We were in outer space, standing on a chunk of meteorite floating just beyond the sun.

”Dolly Waters, you stupid little liberal hick! My MASTER! has offered you this opportunity! Dive into the sun! Immerse yourself in 666 lifetimes of burning misery and you shall be restored on the earth, for eternity in this vessel of SATAN! You will be immortal, forever indulging in the tasteless, mediocre fruits of your foolishly lauded youth, never to grow old and never to die!”

In that moment, gliding around the life of the galaxy, only Unknown Soldier’s hand sustaining my life- I felt as if I could see everything. Everything that was or ever would be was tearing into my retinas. Both the something and the nothing were speaking to me in either ear. This is what I needed. But not in the form of methed-out and unresolved friendship having Dolly Waters. If I was going to be any version of me for all of eternity- I was going to be the best.

I started frantically rambling a long, desperate spiel into Soldier’s hand and even though I couldn’t hear myself, he obviously heard everything. Letting out a sigh he jerks the both of us back through the door and we land back near Daniel Boone’s grave.

Soldier slams the door shut and smashes a keyhole into it with his pinky before turning his wrist and locking it.

”You have one year to decide.”

”Oh I’m going to do it, I just need to-”

Before I can even finish my thought, Unknown Soldier and Peter Gilmour wander off together into the cemetery, vanishing into the fog.

”At’s a helluva turn from the little girl who was just happy to be reading a new book ten years ago.”

Dad, I-

”Fer’ all at’ stuff you talked about. Not wanting to end up like me? You were already there, weren’t you? It’s not the future, or growing older that’s going to turn you miserable. That ain’t how it happened fer’ me neither. I was already sick. I let my fears dictate my life. The fear of instances in the life to come that weren’t even reality. I grew so selfish and self centered that I ignored and neglected the one thing in this cruel world that I had goin’ for me… you, Dolly.
Now you’ve done gone and done the same. Fer’ all of the horrible stuff you’ve gone through in the XWF because of me, you had one person all along who would stand by yer’ side and you ignored him. And just like you moved on from me, he’s going to move on from you too unless you change this course yer’ on.”

I took in everything he said and considered every misauncicated word.

I really do love you, Dad. Thank you for reminding me of that.

He smiled at me and dropped his head a bit,

But you’re wrong. I’m going to fix everything.

Before he could react I blew out the candles on his wreath. Muddy faded away and there I stood, alone in the dark.

That was until…

Just up ahead at an indiscernible distance a soft, and warm red glow illuminated a face for a moment, but it vanished quickly as a huge cloud of sweet smelling smoke cane whooshing towards me. I walked closer and the light appeared again, the face became a bit clearer, but I still couldn’t make it out entirely.

Hello Miss Waters. It’s been a while.

I started sprinting towards the voice, and as I reached the base of it all, where that glow appeared again I could fully realize his particularly devilish grin.

Oh, pardon me dear, where are my manners?

He exhales another dusting of cigar smoke in my direction and I hear him snap his fingers.

Suddenly I’m back on the sidewalk outside of the drug rehab, only it’s night time now. Standing in front of me is Doctor Louis D’Ville, but not in his usual form. D’Ville is standing at least ten feet taller than usual, and is dressed in a forest green robe, puffing away on a cigar that is about half my size.

So I guess you’re the ghost of gayness present?

My dear, I’m neither involved in any gayness, nor am I a ghost.

Well what in the actual fuck is going on?!

I was hoping you would divulge such information, Miss Waters. It would appear as if I’ve been compelled into this little story of yours. Perhaps to add some WEIGHT?

I don’t know… I’m so confused!

I say with a rattling frustration,

Haven’t you always been confused?

Look! All I know is that I’m over it! The older I get, the more cynical I become.

Every time I return to existence in the XWF from *out there* I’ve lost huge swaths of time. It’s an emptiness of missed opportunity which in reality would have only been served to further shit my own reputation down the damn toilet.

I’ll never live up to what I was before, when I cared, when I tried. And before I get any shittier than I’ve already become, I’m going to immortalize myself and my legacy and stay the same forever!

I see. Well perhaps there is this ONE thing I could show you.

Doc lowered his hand toward me, prompting me to climb on. He pulled the cigar from his mouth and lifted it up into the air like a torch, using the lit end to light our way through the dark streets. We finally arrived just outside of a hotel. Doc lowers me back down and snaps his finger again and in a flash we are teleported inside of a suite. Confused, I looked around, seeing that Doc had returned to a normal size.

Right this way

He said motioning me towards an open bedroom door inside of the suite,

Inside were Paul Heyman, my former manager, and his new client, my best friend, Thaddeus Duke.

Duke!

I cried out in joy running towards him,

I’m afraid he can’t see us, dear.

[doly]Oh, so this isn’t real?{/dolly]

It’s whatever you make it.

”This is it kid, High Stakes. It all ends tomorrow night when you’re finally crowned XWF Universal Champion. Can you feel it? Are you ready to take your rightful place at the top of this industry?”

Paul says to Duke, getting him worked up,

”I’ve never been more ready for anything in my entire life.”

Heyman smiles and nods, exhaling a bit and taking a more emotional tone,

”Thad, I just want to tell you that it has been the greatest honor of my life managing you during this run. It hasn’t been Paul Heyman, it’s been you, Thaddeus Duke, your discipline, and your dedication that has brought you to this very moment.

I’ve managed some wonderful talents in my years... one of them that still sticks out like a sore thumb is your old friend Dolly. Had she possessed half even half of the dedication, or the sheer mental strength to carry on when things got tough it’s untelling what she could have become.”

”Yeah, well just like our friendship, Dolly walked out on everything. She’s ancient history and I’m not going anywhere. This is my time to prove what true dedication is worth.”

I’m sure the devastation was etched all across my face. Doc smiled at me and snapped his fingers again, teleporting us back outside of the hotel.

Do you really think anything you do at this point is going to make a difference to anyone other than yourself, Miss Waters? The world has moved on.

I… I… I… can, I can fix this, all of this!

I said, not looking directly at Doc, rather stammering to myself in an arrogant disbelief.

WONDERFUL! Maybe you can start here

He throws a picture of a Roman soldier on the ground,

This is IGNORANCE

He then throws a picture of a raven on the ground,

And this is WANT

I returned a puzzling look,

Avoid being either of these things at any cost.

Oh humbug! Now if you’ll excuse me, Doc, I’ve got a fucking sun to dive into!

-to be continued-

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