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Thaddeus Duke · (09-24-2020)

John Adams Academy || New Haven, Connecticut

I check my phone over and over, thinking I got a text from Elizabeth and might have missed it, but every time I check, I got nothing. I find myself split between worrying about Liz and hoping Garrett will look at me and talk to me. I got nothing there, too. You know the saying, wish in one hand shit in the other…

I don’t recall ever feeling this alone or secluded. Of course, I deserve it but that doesn’t ease the agony in any way. Liz should have been here by now and she isn’t. She’s not even responding to my texts now and that terrifies me for reasons I can’t even begin to explain. Garrett’s shoulder is so cold you could freeze a t-bone on it. I beg his forgiveness, but I do not deserve it and I don’t expect to receive it.

”And now without further adieu,” says the Headmaster as he wraps up his speech that I didn’t even listen to. ”To give his commencement address to the Class of 2020… he came to us as Jack Fitzgerald, but ladies and gentlemen, THADDEUS DUKE!”

My classmates applaud and do their typical hooting and hollering. All except Garrett, of course. I did however, notice him noticing me as I walked by his chair.

Scanning the crowd as I walk, I search in vain for my love. Hoping that she was here and I hadn’t seen her. Hoping that maybe her phone died and just wasn’t able to text me. I scan and scan and even find my father and my uncle up in the balcony. I saw Jim and I saw Frankie. Everyone that I love is here to see me receive my diploma, except that one that matters the most to me.

I reach the stage and shake the hand of the Headmaster before approaching the podium. I stand quietly still for a moment as I pull my prepared speech from inside my gown. Flattening it out on the podium, I take a deep breath then crumple it up and toss it toward the front row of students.

”Know what? That’s not gonna work,” I say to some laughter from some folks in attendance.

”It’s so cliché and its boring and tired but, today really is the first day of the rest of our lives,” I begin. I pause but not for effect, but to gather my thoughts. ”We inherit a world riddled with hatred and bigotry. We inherit a world full of division. We inherit a world where our leaders would rather score points for their elections than to actually do something that matters...

My voice trails off. I’m still speaking but I can’t shake this strange feeling that Liz is in danger. It really isn’t like her to be unreachable.

”I’m not standing here trying to fix the blame for our pasts on anyone. They did what they thought was right in their time, no matter how wrong their right turned out to be. Times are indeed changing and for the better. Slow as it may be, change is inevitable. It falls upon us all to right the wrongs of those that came before us. It falls upon us to fix things and shape a better world for our own children and grandchildren. A world better than the one left for us by our fathers, our grandfathers.

“It is our honor and ultimately our duty to rise to this challenge. It is our honor and our duty to face these challenges head on and say ‘no more, not today.’ For today begins the path to righteousness that starts with this generation, and will not stop with the next.

“Maligned by so many of those that refuse to understand, mocked and ridiculed by those resistant to change… Called cowards or snowflakes because we’d much rather fight to make a difference using words and protests rather than to take up arms and spill blood in the streets.

“Change is coming, whether they are ready to embrace that change or not…”

I pause again. My thoughts shifting between worry for Elizabeth and noticing that Garrett hasn’t taken his eyes off me since I walked up here. I do love him still. Maybe not the same type of love that I love Elizabeth, but nevertheless, love is love. I’m crushed that I hurt him so badly. He never deserved that.

”Human beings are imperfect by default,” I say as I stare directly at Garrett. ”I get looked at as a hero by millions of children all over the world including the outstanding young man that has entered my life recently. I am undeserving of that adoring affection that I receive on a regular basis.

“I want to take this opportunity to… from the bottom of my heart… apologize to those that I hurt by the choices I have made and the actions I have taken. Maybe even more important, I beg forgiveness for the choices I made that hurt someone that I love so much.”

A tear falls from my eye and initially I go to wipe it away, but choose otherwise. Fuck it. I have never been shy about wearing my heart on my sleeve so why change that now in front of hundreds?

”I don’t deserve it and I know it, and you didn’t deserve to have your emotions toyed with or your heart crushed just to fit into my selfish personal desires for anonymity. Life is a culmination of choices. Good, bad or indifferent, they make us who we are for better or for worse.

“That doesn’t absolve me of my mistakes. As good and decent human beings, we never intend to hurt anyone. Yet we still do it. Sometimes we lose sight of ourselves, we lose sight of what makes us special and different in order to feel normal. What I failed to realize, and so many others failed to realize, is that all those things we desired in order to feel normal were exactly what we had all along and never saw...”

I shift my focus from Garrett specifically, to the entire audience again as Garrett wipes a tear from his eye and walks out.

“While our stories may be so different and that’s what makes us unique and special, there are still common threads that exist in our lives. Rich or poor, fortunate or not, we all have basic common links that make us… normal. Love, and hope. Hatred and despair. Chaos and drama. It exists in every form of life…

“I wish I could promise that I’ll never hurt anyone I love again, but I can’t make that promise. I’ll fuck up again,” I say, catching myself. It’s a school function so obviously saying fuck in a public speech gets glares from the staff and laughter from the student body. ”I’m sorry Headmaster,” I say with a smile. He nods with a smile of his own.

”The truth is, it all boils down to the theme here today and that’s learning and personal growth. While we end this life, ready for the next its important to keep in mind that despite our likenesses and despite our flaws and differences, we’re all imperfect beings in an imperfect world crying for help to make ourselves, and those around us, and the world we live in, better for us having ever existed.

“I’m not a man of God or deities, but there’s a particular prayer I’d like to attach as my closing statement. Grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

Closing my remarks, I’m greeted by a round of applause from those in attendance today. The headmaster and staff greet me with smiles and handshakes and hugs. I guess it was a good speech. To be honest, I have a better ability to captivate an audience when I speak from that heart rather than reading a prepared statement that leaves out the possibility of feeding off the energy or emotions of my audience. It’s not that I try to captivate, but they chose me to speak.

Wading my way through the crowd of people all conversing and trying to shake my hand as I make my way through, I continue my scanning ways, looking for Elizabeth. Looking for my dad and Uncle Theo. Looking for Frankie and Jim. Looking for Garrett.

Outside the auditorium, a few stragglers walk through the halls. I scan now, for solitude. A moment, just one, to myself where I can collect myself. Turning a corner I run into more people before I finally turn into the hallway leading to the gymnasium where I spot Frankie and Jim. My eyes widen. The guilt and shame I feel inside diminishes as Frankie runs to me for a hug.

”Hey Bub!” I say to him. I haven’t seen him in a few hours now and it was a long few hours where I couldn’t be near anyone I loved that loved me back.

”Congratulations, Thad,” he says, making me smile.

”He had to pee,” Jim says. ”He was asking when it was over.”

”Leave him with me Jim,” I say to him. ”And find Liz.”

He nods and walks away with some haste. Frankie grabs my hand and we walk slowly through the now empty hallway.

”You sure talk a lot,” he says to me with a smile. I can’t help but laugh.

”I have a lot to say, kiddo,” I reply to him.

”Thad,” comes the call from behind me. I don’t have to turn around because I know who it is, but I had to see his face again.

”Hey,” I say to Garrett, my voice cracked a little under the stifled emotion.

”Hey Frankie,” Garrett says to him with that wonderful smile of his.

”Hi, I like your hair,” Frankie says back to him shyly. It is great hair. His roots are dark but it’s dyed white with pink tips. It looks pretty hot on him, really.

”Can we talk?” he asks.

”I’d like nothing more,” I answer him with a side nod in Frankie’s direction. Frankie is present. I don’t want him witness to vitriolic conversations. I lead the two into the IT room just down the hallway. The three of us take a seat and Frankie starts playing on his iPad.

Garrett gathers his thoughts for a few quiet moments as he stands up. I have the urge to speak to ease the tension in the room, but think better of it. He obviously has something to say to me and is searching for the right words. For once, I just shut up.

”I didn’t leave your speech because I hate you, or because I didn’t want to hear it. I left because I couldn’t contain my composure,” he begins. ”I left because I know I still love you. I haven’t been with anyone since you.”

Frankie lifts his eyes from his iPad and looks at Garrett, then at me.

”Go back to your game, kid,” I say with a smirk. He scoffs with a smile and does as asked. Kids know too much too soon these days.

”I haven’t even had the desire to be, Thaddeus. Over the last few days I’ve done a lot of thinking. I tried putting myself in your shoes. I tried to see things through your eyes. I realized that you really are a shit for letting me think you died all these months...”

”Garrett I...”

”Let me finish!

“But I get it. You were born into this extraordinary world with a life you didn’t choose. You never attended school, never had a birthday with your classmates. You didn’t come of age like everyone else. Not like me, not like Curtis. Not anyone. You never had your first date like most, never your first girlfriend or boyfriend like most. Everything is complicated with you. Never got nervous over asking someone to your first school dance or formal or prom.

“You never had the opportunity to be just another face in the crowd,” he pauses and wipes away a tear.

I stand up to face him man to man and look him in the eyes. Everything he’s saying is true but it doesn’t exonerate me for what I did.

”You saw an opportunity, no matter how shitty it was, to become someone else, to become anonymous and you took it. Maybe I would have done the same thing if I were you. I can’t possibly know.

“I don’t forgive you for what you did to me. It was cold and heartless and that’s not that Thaddeus that I know and love. I was fucking crushed, I was heartbroken because I lost the man I loved and my best friend on top of it.

“Like I said, I don’t forgive you. But I’m trying to. I’m trying because I love you and I missed you and despite your exit, you were the first person that ever tried to get to know me, the real me. The first person that I told that I was gay. You were the first person that let me know it was okay to just be me and that I wasn’t some kind of freak.

“Without you, I’d have ended up like Curtis. You saved my life, Thaddeus. You were everything to me and you still are.”

I grab him and hold him tight as he cries into my shoulder. I’ve said it before, but words can not describe just how unbelievably ashamed I am for having done this to him. Hes right though. Hurting people like this is not me. Out of the corner of my eye, I notice Frankie looking on. It causes me to wonder what’s going through his mind and whether or not we need to have a conversation.

”Baby,” comes the voice I’d been missing the most the last few hours. Liz is back.

So Mastermind through his people, wants to make threats. He wants to make sure I know that I’m a marked man by him and his people but here’s the thing: I don’t fucking care. See, Mastermind stuck his nose in my business at Leap of Faith where it didn’t belong and he got what he had coming to him. He now has the opportunity to make right by beating me at Relentless, yet he wants to continue things it seems, past this pay per view.

I mean, I wouldn’t advise it, but to each their own. Keep it up and sooner or later, I will destroy you. I will take everything you love and splinter it into a thousand pieces and scatter the remains to the wind.

You can make your threats, you can send people after me, you can sneak attack me before, during or after my matches and I’ll keep coming back because Squirt, you just ain’t got what it takes to put me down.

I’d advise you, for your own well being, to let this die at Relentless when I defeat you in Heyman’s House of Horrors. Why? Because you’re barking up the wrong tree. You’re a chihuahua barking at a god damn pitbull and the pitbull is fucking hungry and fucking angry. You’re nothing more than a snack for me, Mastermind so I hope you’re listening to my advise. Contrary to what I’m supposed to be doing right now, this advice does actually come from a good place.

I don’t hate you.

I don’t like you either, but I don’t hate you. The fact of the matter is that you’re angry with me for what I did to you on Warfare. I get that and it’s totally understandable. Antony said I should have just challenged you to a match and you would have accepted. Fair enough, but if I don’t take my anger out on you for injecting yourself into my business, how will you ever learn to stay the fuck out of my way?

What happened at Warfare was just business. If you want to make it personal then be my guest, but I have zero interest in beating you more than once. I admired you for taking your beating at Warfare like a man. Now you get to take your eventual loss like a man, or cry and bitch to your people because I sneak attacked you then beat you on pay per view.

It can die there if you choose it. But you have to choose it. The alternative, Mastermind, is you choosing to keep me as a target and if that’s your choice, then so be it, but here’s the thing. Whatever you may do to me in your hopes of piggybacking off of my bright ass fucking star, is that you keep up shenanigans and I put you down again. Then you keep up more shenanigans and I put you down again. And again. And again. And again.

You see the recurring theme here?

Keep it up, see what happens.

You’re pissed off at me and while I get that, really you should be thanking me. I cast you to play a starring role in the no nonsense, vicious streak, the darker side if you will, of Thaddeus Duke and I allowed you to bask in the glow of the shining lights of my stardom.

You should thank me Mastermind, because you’ve done nothing over your hundred plus matches in the XWF that merits my attention directly upon you yet here we are. Why? Because you stuck your fucking nose where it didn’t belong in the hopes of staying second best in a long line of Television champions. That’s your claim to fame. You’re not filling arenas and your name and your face is never on the billboards. You’re not putting on five star clinics in that ring every outing. That shit belongs to me.

You’re about to go toe to toe inside the House of Horrors where you’ll get to see first hand just how fucking mean and nasty the good guy Thaddeus Duke can actually be. You, at your very best, you were the TV champion in a roster that was, shall we say, rather thin in regards to competition. Me? I’m doing what I always do and that’s just flat out being better than you.

I don’t need titles to prove it, I don’t need to be on some stupid list of “longest reigning” anything to prove it. All I need to do, is go out to that ring on any given night, and do what I do better than anyone else.

Allow me to reiterate, Squirt. Choose wisely. Choose the decision, the only decision really, that makes any sense for you and that’s quite simply: do not make this a long term never ending endeavor because I am way over your head. Don’t write checks that your ass has no fucking hope of ever cashing.

By the way, that wasn’t a short joke.

Not this time at least.

If you choose otherwise, it will not end well for you. You’ll get your licks in to be sure, but when it matters. Any time it matters. Every time it matters. It is you that’s lying flat on your back and my hand raised in victory because the world knows it. I know it. You know it.

I am, exactly what I say I am.

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