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Thaddeus Duke · **08-28-2020, 07:56 PM**

Rikers Island Correctional Facility || The Bronx, New York City

This wasn’t an easy decision to make for me. A prison, or any jail in general is obviously no place for a child no matter the circumstances. Frankie’s mother hasn’t been gone all that long and I just feel like this is just picking at the scab, tearing open the wound all over again when he’s working so hard to move on. Elaine Cooper, his social worker, called the other day telling me that Keith wanted to see Frankie. I wasn’t forced to do it by the state or anything. It was ultimately my call. After talking it over with Liz for awhile and agonizing over whether to even tell Frankie his dad wanted to see him in the first place, I chose to lay the decision on Frankie.

He clammed up and said nothing so here we are in the parking lot of Rikers Island. Liz to my right and Frankie in the back of the Land Rover.

”We’re here,” I state the obvious as I kill the engine.

”Gee I couldn’t tell.”

Smart ass.

”It’s up to you, ya know?” I offer up as I look at him through the reflection of the rearview mirror. ”You can stay here with Liz if you want and I’ll just tell him you weren’t feeling up to it.

“Or you can go in and see your dad, Bub. It’s totally up to you okay?”

”Why would I want to see him?”

”You have hundreds of things you’d like to say to him. This might be the only opportunity you have to tell him how you feel, what you think.”

”No pressure baby boy. If you want to stay here with me, we’ll play a game or something.”

Frankie sighs.

”I mean, not to push or anything but like, you do actually have to make a choice at some point man.”

”I know!” he says after a chuckle. ”Can I just stay here?”

I look at Liz and back into the mirror. ”Sure thing Bub. If you change your mind just have Liz text me okay?” He nods his head and Liz gives me a peck on the cheek just before I exit the car and head inside.

Having never been inside a prison before, I didn’t really know what to expect. They really do put reinforced glass between you. Honestly I thought that was just Hollywood. I sit and wait for Keith’s arrival which is strange to me. It’s a fucking prison, where could he possibly go right? The wait isn’t long though as Keith is lead into the visitation room and sat in the chair on the other side of the window. He lifts the phone on his end and me on mine.

”Hey Thad, where’s Frankie?”

”In the car with Liz.”

”Oh.”

”Did you expect something different, dude? Did you expect him to be his happy go lucky self and just eagerly anticipate seeing you?

“You killed his mom man!

“You fucking torched his entire little world.”

”Yeah, I know. I just… I was just hoping is all.”

”It was his choice. I wasn’t forcing him to come in here.”

”I know. I was just hoping he’d see me before they move me.”

”Move you? Where?

“You haven’t even gone to trial.”

”There isn’t gonna be a trial. I plead down to voluntary manslaughter and forfeited my right to trial.”

”Sounds pretty stupid, but considering who I’m talking to, it’s not really surprising.”

”The defender says I’ll probably get twenty years at Five Points.”

”How’d you plead down to manslaughter?”

”It wasn’t intentional. I’d never hurt her.”

”No, you’d just beat the shit out of her and bash her skull off of a concrete wall but what do I know?”

”It wasn’t like that man.”

”It was exactly like that. I saw the pictures man. No man no matter the reason does that to someone they love.”

”I did what I did.

“I’m just saying, I didn’t go there to do that. I just went to talk and...my jealousy got the best of me.”

”Dude, I really don’t care. The only thing that matters to me is Frankie and what this did to him and will do to him as long as he lives.

“You should be going away for murder one in my view.”

”A lot of others too. Maybe foregoing the trial wasn’t so stupid after all.”

My phone vibrates in my pocket.

”Looks like you’re in luck after all,” I say as I put my phone away.

”Frankie?”

”He wants to see you.”

”Hey are you gonna adopt him?”

I haven’t given that much thought in all honesty. I’m just trying to take this shit one step and one day at a time. Legal guardianship was granted just yesterday so there’s no threat of Frankie going anywhere. I guess the next logical step would be to petition the courts for his adoption.

”If he wants me to.

“Why?”

”I want you to. You’ll give him the life he deserves. Far better than I ever could.”

”I’mma go get him.

“You just wait here.”

I mean, where’s he gonna go?

About ten minutes later, I’m walking back into the prison with Frankie clutching my wrist like a fucking cat clinging to a branch for dear life above a broken dam or some shit. It sucks that I have to walk him into a prison to see someone he loves but maybe a little selfishly, I’ve become a kind of security blanket for him. He’s safe with me and he knows it. There’s absolutely nothing I won’t do in order to keep him safe from harm or hurt or fear.

With great power, comes great responsibility.

As we walk into the visitation room, Frankie hides behind me.

”I’ll be here the whole time Bub. I’m not going anywhere okay? Sit and talk to your dad.”

Hesitantly, he emerges from behind me laying his eyes on his dad for the first time since the incident. I can’t imagine the pent up rage and hurt inside his little body. Keith, with tears in his eyes, picks up the phone. On our end, I hand the phone to Frankie.

”Hey buddy,” Keith says with sniffle and a wipe of a tear.

”Hi dad,” Frankie says quietly.

”How you been?”

Dumb question.

”Really?”

He’s spent too much time with me.

”I meant with Thad. Do you like it there?”

”Yeah. Except the lions keep getting me in trouble.”

”What lions?”

”Why’d you do it?” Frankie asks, ignoring his fathers question and fighting back his emotion.

”Buddy...”

”Don’t call me that.”

”Francis,” Keith says, trying to sound authoritative.

”Don’t call me Francis either. Only mom called me that. Now Liz and Thad when I make them mad.

“Never you.”

”Listen. There’s nothing I can do, nothing I can say that will change what I did. Just know I love you.”

”I don’t love you,” he says as tears roll, but the emotion stays buried. ”I’m gonna ask Thaddeus to adopt me. I just wanted to come here and say that you’re not my dad anymore.

“I’m never coming to see you again.

“You’re only Keith Rickle. Murder and dad to no one.”

Frankie hangs up the phone and hops off the chair leaving Keith a broken mess. As he should be. He grabs my wrist. ”Let’s go home and ride bikes.”

My man! He’s picking up on some things.

I don’t know if he meant everything he said but he means it right now in the moment. If I’m going to raise this boy, he’s gonna learn to show his emotion. Good, bad or indifferent. He’ll grow up to be a good, compassionate man that cares about people and animals and especially those closest to him. It no doubt will not be easy. Physical pain and scarring can be fixed. Emotional scarring cuts far deeper and never ever truly heals. I’ve never backed down from a challenge no matter the odds. Not on the battlefield, not in the wrestling ring and not in life.

Back in the car, it’s quiet for the first half hour of the trip home. We just allowed him to hold onto his Mama Bear and let his emotion out. Liz has her visor down and the mirror open and pointed to him so she could watch him.

”Thad?”

”Yeah Bub?” I say looking at him in my rearview mirror.

”I meant what I said in there.”

”I know Bub.”

”No I mean about asking you to adopt me,” he explains as he sets Mama Bear in the middle seat.

”Is that what you want?”

He nods.

”Are you sure honey? Once that goes through, there’s no turning back.”

”I’m sure.”

”I’ll call Paulie when we get back and get him moving on it then okay?”

He nods again.

”Do you want to keep your last name?”

”What do you mean?”

”When you get adopted you can change your name if you want. You can keep Rickle if you like or you can change it to Duke like Thad,” she explains as I’m merging onto the interstate.

”I dunno.”

”Plenty of time to think about that. These things take some time, Bub.”

”What about my first name?”

”You can change it if you wanted, but we love Frankie.”

”It’s Francis though. Do you know how many 9 year old boys are named Francis?”

Silence.

”Nobody names their kids Francis.”

”Your mom did.”

”And she was the only one that called me Francis, everyone else just calls me Frankie. Like, why do people name their kids something just to call them something else?”

”I got a friend named after the alphabet.”

”….what?”

”His name is RJ”

”What’s it stand for?”

”No that’s his name. RJ.”

A confused look creases both of their faces.

”Anyway you don’t have to decide or even think about it right now. Like I said, the adoption process takes time.”

”What about Luke?”

”Ohhh I like that name.”

Luke Duke. Hard pass.

”I don’t care how much I love you kid, you go by Luke Duke, I’m still not getting you an orange car.”

He smirks a little.

”What about Jacob?”

”That’d light up my dads life for like 5 minutes. His best friend was named Jacob.”

”Would I have to call you dad?”

Shit I never even thought about that. This a strange fucking world I live in.

”I’d prefer you didn’t but you call me what you want.”

A big grin forms on his face.

”Within reason! No cuss words and no disrespect.”

”Nice recovery, stupid.”

”Well what’s the fun in that then?”

Good point, kid.

It really is a lot for him to think about. No doubt all this change is difficult for him. He’s got a new life, a new family. Tragedy compounded by more tragedy. And here I am, 21 years old, who just happened to fall into this kids world by circumstance and now I’m talking about becoming his adoptive father.

I think we need a vacation.

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