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Noah Jackson · (12-07-2019)

Shark Frenzy

"Who is the sickest cunt in the multiverse who is now the sickest Television Champion to ever grace the Earth?"

TV title draped over my shoulder I point a big ol' thumb at this gorgeous mug in front of you.

"Only the greatest mother fucker you shit cunts have ever seen!"

I crack open a VB and foam shoots out of the cunt like I'm Bogan Stone Cold, I take a big gulp of the beautiful nectar and breathe a sigh looking at the can with a smile before setting it back down.

"Back to the grind eh though cunts? No rest for sicked." I raise my eyebrows at that amazing wordplay. "Now instead of facing Scully and kicking the shit out of that dumb prick, I have to face Donovan Spackwanker and kick his arse instead which is a much less appealing thing to do. Mostly because the cunt is as entertaining as watching paint dry. No! Because Mastermind likes watching paint dry because the autist finds it calming or some shit. Blackwater is something that no one likes... Donovan is like going to a park and putting your nose in dog turds to find the sweetest smelling one. There's only one person who gets a sense of accomplishment and that's the cunt with shit on his face. Donnie is the only cunt who likes what he does. Talentless fuck wastes everyone's time trying to get himself over and not realise there is a world of people watching him thinking 'the fuck are you doing, you useless cunt?' At least with Scully, when everyone sees that spaz sprint full force into every hurdle, it's entertaining, it's fucking funny. I can't think of any person in the world who fucks up as much as that dumb cunt does."

"It's quite beautiful."

"Shit, watching Big D cry when he wins a title, cry when he loses a title and then cry about how he didn't care about that title is the most annoying shit in the world but it's entertaining, it's definitely fucking funny. What was the last entertaining thing Donovan fucking Blackwater did? Oh what's that? We have a clip!? Well fuck me, cunt! Let's roll that fucking clip."

The blackwater cunt with the forehead you can land a plane on Said:

Another sipperino of VB.

"Ah fuck me Noah, you witty cunt. What a great joke with expert timing you just performed. Made it look easy, cunt! Well, that's because it is that fucking easy and it baffles the shit out of me that lame cunts like Donnie can't even seem to grasp that shit. Oh, what do we get from the shit cunt? A single sentence uttered to set the mood as the cunt mopes around a room, enter brother ginger or long hair, an exchange of words, another cunt is name-dropped usually Azrael, Rebel Star or some other cunt who loves smelling their own farts, brother leaves, a smirk occurs and the last sentence is uttered to lead to more intrigue which never gets fucking resolved because Donovan fucking Blackwater is a useless shit who can't manage his time properly. So the cunt starts something off, forgets about it and vanishes for a bit until the cunt chirps back up with some more dumb shit."

"Fuck off! No one cares that Azrael Erebus forced you to play musical chairs when you three cunts were kids, the big twist being that HE was one of the chairs. I wish he did the world a favour and got you cunts aborted on whatever planet he came from, at least then you could have been useful being used to aid stem cell research you gaggle of fucking clowns."

More VB. RIP my liver.

"Here's a joke. How many Blackwaters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None because the cunts are so unreliable you change it yourself. Here's another. what has 6 arms, 6 legs and one mouth? The Blackwater Brothers in a Donovan promo. Last one. What's worse than finding a dead baby in the dumpster? Finding out the dumpster was a Donovan Blackwater promo. Noah Jackson, bringing back dead baby jokes in 2019! I really hope that's not what I'm remembered for... If a Donovan Blackwater promo is posted online, does anybody watch it? Shit, if Donovan Blackwater gets another loss added to his record, would he acknowledge it? Or does the cunt just keep shouting motivational quotes at himself in the mirror so his ego isn't shattered?"

"Fuck, first Big D thinking he's not a jobber with an ego and now onto Donnie who is most definitely a training dummy brought to life and thinks he's Pinocchio so the cunt has high self-esteem thinking he's the only puppet with no strings. Do I just attract cancer? I know I'm radiating sick cunt energy but I originally thought the only side effect was making shit cunts jealous. Now, I'm not only going to kick the shit out of these shit cunts once but TWICE! Cheers, random drawing, Mastermind you fucking cunt. Pick names out of a hat better you fucking mentally handicapped fuckwit."

"... Where was I? Whatever. Fuck Donovan, he isn't worth a coherent train of thought. Cunt deserves nothing less than minimum effort. If XWF was a video game there'd be a Blackwater difficulty where you walk through the game hearing your own voice shouting praise at you before the console randomly shits the bed and explodes. I could have come out here with a robotic monotone and shouted Blackwater's a cuck and I'm sick and I'm TV champ and he isn't and will not be! End. And I still would have had a more entertaining promo than that useless fuck. That cunt is just a black hole of charisma. When I try to watch anything he's in I feel my soul tie a noose."

"He's a cringey little shit who tries so hard to be 'eL oH eL sO rAnDoM!!!!!!' Ha ha! I gave Thunder Knuckles a long list of things to do just because! HA HA SO RANDOM! I like to end conversations between other people by ruining the fun and saying something

BECAUSE HA HA SO FUCKING RANDOM LOL! I like to sit on Ezra's face while he tongues my asshole as Rapheal pretends his dick is a lawnmower and he's cutting my receding hairline like grass BECAUSE SOOOOOOOOOOO RANDOM!"

"Grow up, cunt!"

"It's not 2008. This is why you don't belong here, it's why you really don't deserve a shot at the TV title, it's why you keep fucking losing. Your head is in the past, you're the cunt that peaked in high school and that peak was more of a fucking speed bump. You can't look forward! You can't improve because you're just stuck in this mindset. I'm Donovan Blackwater, I'm the son of Azrael Erebus, I have special powers! I don't need to adapt to how the world of wrestling has changed because I'm special! You're nothing cunt. You're never going to be anything again. The only chance in hell you have of being a top name here is if the XWF has a mass exodus. Then it'll be you, your brothers and your dad and you can all circle jerk about how cool you all are. Thankful, that never having to try for once in your miserable existence finally paid off."

"I was born sick and stayed sick throughout my entire life, I've had hiccups for sure but I've always bounced back and improved, if that wasn't true I wouldn't be standing here with this gold over my shoulder. You, YOU CUNT just expect shit to fall onto your lap while giving nothing to earn it. A small burst of energy before falling back to the wayside and nursing your wounds. Like a spoiled brat you just assumed that people actually give a single fuck about Donovan Blackwater."

"Spoiler, cunt. No one would give a shit if you walked off the edge of a building."

"In fact, I know one cunt in particular who would be pissing on your grave. Before he cries about never being Universal Champion... It's Big D by the way because he's a salty balless baby boy. Shit, maybe after I both verbally and physically kick you in the nuts so hard I temporarily give you a sex change D will give me that thank you he owes me for starting his GoFundMe."

I down the rest of my grog and toss the can away with a burp.

"I can't wait to slap the shit out of you, cunt. This month is supposed to be a celebration for me, me and my dad are on top right now but I am a million miles away from home, can't go home for Christmas to see me mum or brother. I'm surrounded by cunts who are either clapping me on the back or mumbling under their breath waiting for me to sink. They want so see me fall under and drown but I'm a fucking shark cunt. Keep moving forward, take everything in stride set my sights on a cunt and rip it to pieces... Me and Fuzz really clicked over clubbing two baby seals called Miz and Roode and right now, cunt, you're looking like a dumb cunt baby seal."

"Shark frenzy, cunt."

Fuck me I am the greatest human being alive.

Lethal Lottery was fucking ace. Fuzz got the grand prize, I won the TV and beat Big Cunt until the back of his head entwined with the canvas and we both got to show Vinnie Lane where we piss from. Top night.

VV: "What are you smiling about?"

Vita asks as I find myself smirking like a cunt, stirring the fork around the Chinese food in my bowl. I give a look to her.

"Just the usual, V."

She breathes a chuckle as she dabs her mouth with a napkin leaving the slight stain of lipstick on the white cloth. She scrunches it up and tosses it her near clean bowl, she goes to stand.

VV: "You done?"

"Yeah." She reaches a hand towards me and I pass her my bowl. "Cheers, love."

She gives a sweet smile as she takes them to the kitchen, can't help but watch her walk away. I'm a lucky cunt. I snap my eyes back to the TV as she peeks over her shoulder, with a breath I rub my full stomach and slide a hand under the Television title into my jeans, for comfort, you know how it is cunt. I hear the tap running in the kitchen and perk up.

"V, you don't need clean 'em! Just leave them on side."

VV: "It's fine! Least I can do since you actually paid this time."

I shrug going back to the movie that's on and mutter under my breath.

"Don't expect a fucking habit out of it."

The tap stops and VV strolls over hopping onto the couch beside me and nuzzles into me, I throw my arm around her.

VV: "What's this called again?"

"Die Hard, cunt."

VV: "It's good."

Marry her. Marry her now.

"Yeah, it's ripper."

My hand falls on Vita's waist as she adjusts her head against my chest. Bruce Willis is just going sick, we're at the part were he sent that cunt down the lift and has a machine gun now. Fucking gnarly. I'm happy, truly fucking happy. This is the highest point of my career... Shit, of my life so far. Me and dad are killing it, I'm a champion and I've got a great girl. This is the life... But, can't help but think if this is my peak. What if all I ever get is the TV? What if Fuzz goes for the Uni and leaves me in the dust? What if V leaves me like she did Corey? What the fuck happens if this is actually the best it gets? Fuck's sake, Noah... Why do you do this, cunt? Stop getting trapped in your own head. You need noise, cunt, focus on the film. You're sick, you're John McClane! Only with a beautiful head of hair. Just, just stop thinking about what could go wrong for once and just live in the moment.

VV: "Hey." V chirps up, I snap my gaze to her finally noticing I'm digging my fingers into her side and stop. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, yeah cunt. I'm golden. Just exciting movie is all."

VV: "I thought you've watched it before?"

"Yeah, doesn't make it any less good."

VV: "If you say so."

She lowers her head back down and gets comfortable, her eyes fixed on the TV. My sight stays fixed on her, my hand running from the top of her head and down to the curls of her hair before my fingers land on her shoulder where I gently stroke back and forth. She begins to fidget and sits up in a huff, she looks to me and then down to the championship around my waist.

VV: "You know you can take that off right?"

She says with a pointed finger. I raise my eyebrows.

"Bit forward ain't ya, cunt."

I joke, the side of her mouth curls up but she tries to hide it.

VV: "Shut up. You know what I meant."

"It's a belt, cunt!" I take my thumbs and put them under the TV title and push it out a little, looking at the gleaming gold. I turn my attention back to V. "It's to hold up my pants and make me look good."

VV sits up on her knees and counts on her fingers with her reply.

VV: "Okay, one! You looked good without it."

"Thank you."

VV: "You're welcome! Two! Your jeans are so skinny you don't need a belt to keep them up. I honestly worry about your blood circulation cutting off and you passing out."

"That happened one time!"

VV: "It should happen no times!"

"Vita, I like to live dangerously. If you can't deal with my sick cunt lifestyle then that's on you."

She giggles.

VV: "You buy jeans at the 16 and under section at Hot Topic, you want to live dangerously buy a motorbike."

I laugh, throwing a cushion at her playfully.

"You're such a cunt."

VV: "But I'm your cunt." She smiles but freezes. "That didn't sound good."

I breathe a laugh looking back at her.

"Nah, I liked it."

Our eyes fix on each other as we go quiet. I slowly move close and place a hand behind her neck to bring her closer, V's hand goes to my waist but we stop as the front door is heard swinging open. I jump up.

???: "Hello!"

"Oh shit! My dad's home! Quick you need to hide!"

Vita looks puzzled as I try and hide her under the couch cushions.

VV: "Noah, it's YOUR house!"

Fuzz walks into the living room and pauses, he squints looking at me with a large cushion pressed against the top of Vita's head.

FUZZ: "... I can come back later if you two are busy."

I straighten myself and let the cushion fall to the ground.

"Hey, dad, we weren't doing anything."

Fuzz slowly blinks looking at me and turns to Vita.

FUZZ: "VV am I ruining anything?"

VV: "No, Noah did that, you're cool."

She says jokingly. I hope. Vita gets up and fixes the couch as I finally stop acting like a teenager and greet dad.

"S'garn, cunt?"

We do the Sick Cunts Super Secret Handshake The Redux Part Two. It's that one Will Smith and Jazz do in the Fresh Prince.

FUZZ: "We need to go over party stuff but I can come back later if you're busy, seriously no issue."

"Well, I mean me and Vita were just watching Die Hard."

FUZZ: "Great movie."

"Right!? But yeah, I think we have some time. V could help!"

VV: "Sure! I'd love to help."

FUZZ: "Yeah, woman's touch could help I guess. Also Vita something I wanted to say to you." Vita comes to my side with a raised eyebrow, Fuzz takes a breath and clears his throat. "Just wanted to say... No hard feelings about Lethal Lottery."

Fuzz extends a hand to Vita. I almost feel VV glow next to me.

VV: "If I had to lose to anyone, I'm glad it was you."

Vita ignores the potential handshake and goes straight in for a big hug. Fuzz winces a little before awkwardly patting Vita's back. I crack a big old smile.

"Oh, you cunts!"

Big ol' threeway hug. So much love in this room right now. Fuzz struggles out of the hold pretty quickly and steps back, brushing his hands down his jacket to iron it out, I throw my arm around V as we look to dad.

FUZZ: "Cool, now that that's out of the way... Noah, the ice sculpture you want."

"The one of Big D? Where the ice around his eyes melts first so he looks like he's crying?"

FUZZ: "Yeah that one. Turns out we'll need a license for Big D's likeliness to get it made so that's a no go."

"Oh maaaan! That cunt ruins everything."

FUZZ: "Tell me about it. We can, however, get an old fashion authentic Australian barbie for you."

I throw my head to the side and nod.

"Yeah that'll do."

FUZZ: "Great! Okay." Dad claps and rubs his hands together. "What are your feelings on illegal Mexican fireworks?"

Hmm... This party is going to be way sicker than I originally thought.

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