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Noah Jackson · (10-29-2019)

Cuntasaurus Rex

"That's what you cunts wanted, yeah?"

I say before taking a swig of VB, the roaring fire to my back and my new cat Ned Kelly on my lap. I've dimmed the lights for spooky aesthetic; the wind howls outside as light pats of rain rattle against the windows.

"You wanted me to say something like Cuntasuarus or Sickteracops and just shout about how fucking cool I am. Well, cunts. Dinosaurs are sick even without my help and the best damn dinosaur by far is Ankylosaurus and I will fucking fight any shit cunt on that. Lad's got a club tail." I throw my arms to my side. "That's ripper! Fucking whack that cunt into the back of someone's dome, original King Hit 68 million years before I perfected it. What a legend. Also, just so we're all clear the worst dinosaur that has ever existed is."

"Say it with me."

...

"Mastermind!"

"That's right, great job everyone. The 45-year-old Kiwi cunt is by far the worst wrestler on the roster, someone I embarrassed so bad I'm honestly surprised the pissbaby hasn't undergone facial surgery and tried again under a new persona. With how creative the cunt is with names he'd be called BlasterBrain or some dumb shit. He and Big D have a lot in common come to think of it. Also, MM very recently received his 61st loss to my dad! Cheers for keeping such great track of how dog shit you are you dumb, old prick. Really helps everyone take the piss out of with top efficiency. Really wish Lacklan could do the same thing, but nah, gotta watch her shitty promos and try and find this podcast of hers which is more hidden than Tianem Square on a Chinese web search. Yeah we get snippets every now and again but they're so far and few between trying to connect the dots between what the fuck is actually going on with the self-absorbed cunt is like trying to solve a Rubik's Cube with your teeth. Then she complains about how nobody really knows her. Cunt, nobody should have to read a companion piece to understand the plot of a movie. Get the fuck over yourself, you honestly expect people to keep up with your inane Twitter shit, go over to some shitty fed you're also in, catch up with promos there to fully understand why you airdrop some shitty promo here? All the while straight-up refusing to talk to any cunt here or even give them a straight answer because you're such a crybaby, pussy bitch."

"Fuck yourself."

"You're meant to the fucking Queen of the XWF, Anarchy and Tag champ and you do fuck all. Vita has the real Anarchy title and you do dick all about it. Just another mandatory non-title match on another show. Tag champ and people honestly keep forgetting about that too! Queen of the XWF and what does that amount to? A shit ton of fuck all. You're a worthless, shitty, minimum effort cunt. You don't deserve any of that gold and you don't fucking deserve to be here. Only thing you deserve is a deep sigh and the onset of a migraine when your name is mentioned."

"And the funniest thing is when you first popped up you made this place wake up! You were the microscopic speck that eat chemical soup at the bottom of the ocean, you eat and you multiplied and you got big. You kicked all this off but when the Cambrian explosion happened and more and more names came in you fell by the wayside. You bit your tongue, you sulked in the corner and people stopped noticing your insignificant, petty, skinny ass. Now the focus is on these new cunts, the cunts that learned to leave you and the shit-filled ocean behind and learned to walk on land. These new cunts who have been getting bigger and better with more interesting shit than you're one-trick ass could even conceive. Fuck, Big D got big! Sure he tripped and stumbled like the bumblefuck cunt he is but he bought a title! Shame he couldn't share the wealth here but oh well... Selfish prick."

"So, Big D got big like a lot of flora and fauna during this time. Big D actually starts to make a name for himself for the first time in months... But when everything else gets bigger, you start to feel pretty fucking average. Especially when you owe all your success to some new cunt whose more entertaining in every way, shape and form. A cunt who threw you off a boat, a cunt who sold you your TV title shot and a cunt who has a better chance of beating Centurion than you ever did. That's fucking pathetic, cunt."

"And all you pitiful, petty, self-absorbed and just plain dumb cunts can't do fuck all when the Permian extinction happens and you all get obliterated by the cosmic cunt from the great black void. Wiping away all your useless bullshit and allowing the king of cunts to roam free and take in all he is owed."

"Told you cunts dinosaurs were sick."

The cat hops off my lap as I uncross my legs and stand before falling over a little, sucking in air through my teeth.

"Fucking shit! Pins and needles, man that is a cunt."

I place an elbow over the mantle of the fireplace.

"Now I'm a few bevs deep, cunts and I know I just created the loosest bullshit to connect taking the piss out of the gaggle of clowns I'm kicking the shit out off on Thursday with this dinosaur bullshit but the biggest thing is, at least I fucking tried to make this fun."

"What are you gonna get from Lacklan? Self-absorbed gibberish."

"Mastermind? One coherent thought followed by a stream of diarrhea."

"And Big D? Well, the cunt will probably pay someone else to do his promo for him."

"This is why I'm the hardest worker in the XWF."

"Sick cunt, out."

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