OOC this entire post is all IC and meant to help new members or struggling existing members who want to improvise and adapt within the enigma that is the XWF hierarchy. It is said by some that these tactics hurt your performance but that has yet to be seen.

BEGINNER & ASPIRING MAIN-EVENTER XWF TUTORIAL
Walk through the door already knowing the best tricks of the trade that will get you noticed, pushed, and adored by all.
Also good for experienced stars who want to up their game and rid themselves of out-dated, silly, unnecessary restrictions.

Shane is seen giving some advice to an unrecognizable young man who just watched Savage with him. As you can see, this handsome young man looks very impressed by what he's seen tonight...












Shane sips some coffee and turns to his guest...

And you see, lil' guy, this is a perfect show to pay attention to if you want to know how to succeed in the XWF's version of the wrestling business. I want to model you after THE BEST and have you up to date on all the current trends that will take you farther than any of your opponents who foolishly lag behind the times and adhere to archaic "rules" that nobody axly enforces or executes any longer.

Tell me more, oh wise man!

I shall! Now, I'm sure you noticed how Tristan Slater and Famine of the Vile just appeared to "lose" to what seemingly is a very weak and ineffective female duo who they should have been able to crack in half over their knees without so much as breaking a sweat, right?

I did! I seen it with my own good eye.

Uh, good eye?

Yessum, one of my eyes has a bad case of eye herpes right now and it's hard to-

Ok ok just stop right there. Anyway, you saw what happened and you don't really need two good eyes to see exactly why these two girls walked away with the victory tonight.

I don't?

No! All you need to do is understand that we live in a new era where we're allowed to openly address the mechanics of the system and the factors that ultimately decide who appears to be victorious under the spotlights.

Now as I said, I want to train you to be the BESTEST so that means I need to show you who IS the best. Right now, by far, the best person for you to follow in the footsteps of would be none other than Sarah Grey-Lacklan ... but there's also a little you can take and learn from her rather unattractive wife, Kenzi.

Kenzi? I don't remember seeing anything from her this week leading up to the match. She's the ugly girl who carried Sarah to the win tonight though, right m'lord?

Correct, and the reason you may not have seen her illusive promo activity is because it gets credited to the name "CTN" instead of anything that would actually make someone think the name Kenzi.

Oh! That's really #cool! Is that why it seemed like Slater had no idea Sarah's partner even uploaded anything all week? Because I too was fooled!

There's a good chance that's why, but I can't speak for Mr. Slater. All I know is that in the history of the game I've never seen someone with his experience seem to "miss" the fact that his opponent uploaded a promo, so there must be something more to it... but in today's XWF something like this would be blamed on him for not knowing his opponent's code name, rather than ANY blame whatsoever being put on the person with the wrong username.

But aren't there rules that when you go onto the XWF website where promos get uploaded, they have to come from a name that ACTUALLY ma-

Axly.

Whu...?

Say it right. Axly. It sounds exactomundly as it's spelled. It sounds like the word ax, and then the name Lee. Axly.

But I don't think it's supposed to sound like that. Isn't it supposed to be more of a slushy throat sound? Shouldn't it be spelled ackshly if we're trying to sound like a stupid ass valley gi-

Stop it! Just go with it! LOL! It's AXLY!

Uh, did you just speak an LOL?

I don't know. Did I? Or am I slamming keys down while you hear me speak? These are the mysteries of the universe! LOLHAHALOL!

I'm so, sooooo confuzzled.

As you should be. Anyway, back to the point about names, yes there are rules written in big red letters when a wrestler or their off-camera representative signs up to upload promos, and those rules clearly state...



Durrr, hurrrrr, uhhhhhh duhhhhh what should I's make me name be's? HALP!

Oh Shane you're so silly.

So anyway, as you can see, there's literally no way a person with a functioning brain can possibly miss that. I mean look, the username box is axly right under the goddamn warning! There's no way this could be any easier. It's literally proof.

I see, I see! But then why did Kenny or whatever his name is get to choose a name that didn't identify him to the naked eyeball? Why is he allowed to get away with it, when clearly if everyone in the XWF just chose random letters that don't match their name, it would be a very confusing problem for everyone? Delete his account!!! Or at least make the big dummy fix his damn name!

It's Kenzi, not Kenny, and he's a she. Anyway, you do raise a good question BUT YOU DO NOT ASK THOSE QUESTIONS HERE. Of course it would be a problem if everyone did it, but Kenzi is special! Do you understand me? You just accept the fact that rules don't matter if certain people don't want them to apply to them! Isn't that bad ass?

Such bad assery. I'm so glad I have you as my mentor so I know which rules to follow and which ones to ignore when I'm ready to make my big debut! I sure hope I get all the same special treatment and privileges these lovely ladies get!

This isn't even the half of it, lil' guy. You know what else no longer matters in the XWF?

Oh my god, what?

I think you mean OMG or maybe even ERHMERHGERHD or something like that. Don't worry, I'll get you up to date on all the cool kid drooltube lingo before your big debut!

Oh thank OMGness.

Eh, close enough.

Tee hee hee. Oh sorry I mean LOL.

Yes!

Shane high fives his student with the unshaven neck hair, overwhelming acne, and LAZY, herpes infested eye sac. Shane KNOWS he has chosen the right boy to guide to greatness in the XWF, but there's still much work to be done.

Anyway, I wanted to also run through a couple clips of exactly what you're supposed to say in your promos if you REALLY want to get far and impress the people who decide if you'll win or lose.

Wait... decide if I win or lose? I thought I...

That's just the problem, lil' guy. You THOUGHT. Stop that. You can't do that anymore if you're going to be successful here. At a later date I'll explain more about how sporting events have been rigged for ages, but for now I need you to know what type of shit-talking you should be doing when you're booked. Now pay attention.

These insanely fucking awesome clips come straight from the recent promos by Sarah and Kenzi, who are undoubtedly the bestest in the XWF right now. Let's start with the more attractive of the two, if you're into that young boy with round cheeks and pale skin look. I know I am... Heeeere's SARAH!

Behold the type of classless, entry level rookie, lazy, repugnant, loathsome horse shit incredibly #cool and s00per effective word crafting that took the 5'2 Mafia to victory this week! Yay! Good job, XWF!

(09-12-2019, 07:40 PM)Lacklan Said: Fedora-wearing neckbeards, in between chugs of energy drinks and tips of said fedora to “girls” online, wait and wait AND WAIT until someone says something so that they can then respond. This is different than research, mind you. Research shows planning! Intelligence! Respect for their opponent! To know how your opponent performs...

What's she talking about? It sounds like she's talking about what happens on wrestling news sites where guys like me just troll around and make super cool comments to boys who pretend to be girls in their avatars. Was that why she said the word "girls" like she did? To make fun of fucking loser tampon boys who pretend to be girls online?

Well that's very observant of you and that's exactly why I chose you to mentor, good sir! If you paid closer attention though, you'd also notice she mentioned an opponent twice. What's that tell us? She's clearly not talking about random trolling on WrestlingInc.com, YouTube, or even the holy Twitter land.

I know this may seem confusing, but these are the kinds of things you should be saying to and about your opponents if you want to be treated like a real professional around here. Another example...

(09-12-2019, 07:40 PM)Lacklan Said: (To Tristan)How hard was it? How hard was it to NOT play the copy/paste game?

Huh? Copy and paste game?

Shit up and watch!

(09-12-2019, 07:40 PM)Lacklan Said: (Still to Tristan) How hard was it to NOT slam down your fingers on that keyboard harder than you ever have before and cry out “NUH UH NUH UH ME AND MY FELLOW PAGE BITCH BOIS ALL GETS ALONG AND ARE THE BESTEST TAG TEAM IN TEH WORLD”

Shane claps his hands together and let's out an "Oh!" because he's just do damn impressed by this hard hitting trash talk. Shane's student is drooling and one of his eyes is stuck completely closed now, but that's not going to be a problem as the clips continue...

(09-12-2019, 07:40 PM)Lacklan Said: It was obviously too hard, of course, since you were unable to obey both spirit and letter of the rules...

Note her expertise on rules being professed after literally going against the simplest and most easily understood of rules to follow. This is PRO. So PRO. Mega PRO here.

This is so weird.

Pay attention. There's more! You need to absorb this knowledge so you can hang with the bestest when you debut!

(09-12-2019, 07:40 PM)Lacklan Said: At least Famine had the decency to give a once-over of my bio, though he joins you in the inability to interpret the data he rattled off. That is an issue, ya know? “Hey, this chick is pretty good?” Really? How so? Please, regal me with your encyclopedic knowledge of my success

Wooaahhh... She's reeeeeeally good with wordums.

Now as you can see here, it's always important to accuse EVERYONE else of somehow not understanding you or even understanding the words they speak about you. As an added knife in the gut to your opponent, make sure you yourself fail to use words correctly... for instance, being a and saying regal when clearly she meant regale. This is #cool, though! Remember how you're learning a whole new lingo and all the most trendy terms?

I don't think I get it. She literally just accused someone of not knowing what they're talking about and she went on to not know what she was talking about.

Exactly! This is GENIUS. This is so far beyond any common level of intelligence that you will axly be able to redefine what words mean and what facts are as you go! This scores big points with the disgraces to booking that run the show today! Don't be the person to CORRECT the butchering and sloppiness, though... or "they" will think that's lame and played out.

It's like everything is the opposite of what should make sense.

Pretty much!

Next...

(09-12-2019, 07:40 PM)Lacklan Said: when it comes to NOW, when it comes to THIS YEAR, when it comes to the wrestling business as it is RIGHT FUCKING NOW, all you have to say is “Welp, we USED to” on burner accounts and phones and offer up little to nothing in relevant interpretations or understanding

What's she talking about? Did Tristan and Famine ring her on a prepaid phone and call her a mean name before disposing of the phone?

It's quite possible, but notice how she continues to let the world know how her opponents just can't interpret or understand anything in HER world? It's important to keep accusing the other person of somehow missing everything, because as we all know, if you scream it enough times it becomes...


...


wait for it...

THE TRUTH!

LOLZ

Exactly.

(09-12-2019, 07:40 PM)Lacklan Said: like that idiot Mastermind’s complaint of “YOU ONLY BEAT ME (the second time) BECAUSE I COULDN’T WATCH YOUR VIDEO BEFORE I FIGURED OUT WHAT TO SAY ABOUT YOU” excuse, give you something you can complain about in DMs and Discord for years to come

OMG YES! Discord gamer chat! We get to use Discord here! I knew I was going to like it here!

Eh... well... not exactly. Don't worry, you'll catch on as time goes. There will come a time when you know EXACTLY how and when to reference DMs and Discord, and heck if you advance to SooperCoolDroolTubeKID level you may even be able to get away with talking about posting and reading threads!

(So, so, so amazed and impressed sounding) Woooooaaaaahhh.. Keeewwwwl...

(09-12-2019, 07:40 PM)Lacklan Said: I refuse to play the bullshit nonsense game that all of you do. You won’t find me calling you a cunt or murdering someone live on camera or crying about what is or is not allowed to be talked about in a promotional video

This is key, here. NEVER be the one to TALK about what's not allowed... Never talk about it, just DO it. Endlessly. To the point that you've done it so much everyone watching your promo catches eye herpes themselves. That's pro.

So pro?

OMG Mega pro!

(09-12-2019, 07:40 PM)Lacklan Said: wherein we bust out that meme of Inigo saying that he doesn’t think that word means what you think it means

Oh, I think I get what she's doing here! Is this because she knows she doesn't know what certain words mean, as we witnessed a minute ago, so she alludes to it being the other person who somehow doesn't know how words and English work?

Pretty much, kiddo! See? You're already becoming #####COOLer by the second!

(09-12-2019, 07:40 PM)Lacklan Said: Kenzi is better than me. Perhaps one of you two idiots will give her the time of day this time. Neither Fuzz nor Noah did at first, either. Go ask them how well that worked out.

Can you tell me the significance of that quote? Think about what we talked about earlier.

Oh! Isn't Kenzi the really smart one who didn't know how to read the big red warning about making sure her name actually... ugh... AXLY... makes sense? Could that be why people are always "forgetting" to mention her?

Very good! Now again, I can't speak FOR any of the people Sarah and Kenzi have just obliterated with their incredibly advanced state of mind and superior yet illusive trash talk game, but there's certainly reason to ponder the question you posed.

Now, let's move on to Kenzi's really impressive, sooper cool sayings. Sarah is right – Kenzi is actually much better than her in every conceivable way. She doesn't necessarily use the same type of advanced trash talk we've seen Sarah use just now, or not as excessively, but she has a few tricks of the trade that definitely can help you if you emulate...

(09-13-2019, 08:02 PM) CTN Kenzi Grey, HELLO using the right name is axly easy, Said: You’re right! I did lose my UGWC Cooperative Title on Monday night.

Haha, oh I mean LOL, what? Or should I say/spell it WOT?

Shhhh... pay attention, there's more.

(09-13-2019, 08:02 PM) CTN Kenzi Grey, HELLO using the right name is axly easy, Said: Me and my girls showed up and UGWC and took that shit over…for a while, we held every championship there was to hold!

And UGWho? Is "and UGWC" a wrestling company? I spend a lot of time on my computer trolling the web, calling dudes m'lady, and talking about wrestling but even I never heard of that. I thought you were bringing me into the XWF, Shane?

Well yes, I am, but a rule of thumb among the very BESTEST around here is to make sure to mention obscure, lower level, borderline Special Olympic style companies that you've had success in before coming here.

Success? But a second ago she just said she lost some goofy title with a name that sounds like a 13 year old kid creating fantasy feds on the internet in 1995 would come up with. Cooperative title?

You're straying away from the point. ALWAYS mention how great you were elsewhere. If it's true that you did so great elsewhere that you and your buddies had all the titles, there's a good chance the people running that other fed were going out of their way to make sure it happened, and that's a great way to show the owners of your new fed that they too should give you special treatment and unwarranted pushes while holding others down! Wheeee!

In some cases, however, the previous fed people mention is made up entirely. Either way, it's a GREAT strategy! Win/win babay.

So if I didn't have previous experience getting handed free wins before coming here and having the rules bent to better serve me personally, I should just make up a fed and claim I was the bestest in it?

Yup! Either way, you're golden. Now, pay close attention here...

(09-13-2019, 08:02 PM) CTN Kenzi Grey, HELLO using the right name is axly easy, Said: Tristan couldn’t even hold together his own gimmick!

…..Ugggh.... Gimmick? -_-

Yuppers! #Cool, huh? But wait...

(09-13-2019, 08:02 PM) CTN Kenzi Grey, HELLO using the right name is axly easy, Said: He was running around calling us cunts…aint that Noah Jackson’s gimmick?

I'm not sure what to think here.

I'll tell you. You should be thinking this is GOLD. Always remember... your opponents and, hell, everyone on the roster are running GIMMICKS. If you talk about them having a gimmick, it makes you seem edgy and super sooooper bad ass. Sooooper.

That's . It's lazy. Imagine if John Cena talked about Brock Lesnar's accolades and MMA background as a gimmick.

No! It's GENIUS! John Cena is too stoopid to use such genius logic! You need to remember we're in a new age. The things you remember watching and the rules you thought mattered in the past, don't axly matter now. This is the BIG leagues, lil' guy!

Shane's student scratches his lazy, puss oozing, bug crawling eye sac and some nasty ass liquid pops out and lands in Shane's coffee. Shane no-sells it! He acts like nothing happened! HE DRINKS THE COFFEE ANYWAY!

Uh, Shane? You might not want to drink that... I think my eye jizz infected your coffee.

NO! NO IT DID NOT! STOP TRYING TO CONTROL ME! STOP TELLING ME HOW TO REACT! STOP!1!1! ROOAAARR!! STUPID GOD-MOXXER!!!!!111!1!1!!11! REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!111!!1!111!!1
RRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEGODMOXXERRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEGODMOXXERRRREEEEEEEEE!!!!!!111!!1!111!!111!!11!11!!!!!!!1!!!!!1!!!!!!!!11111!!!!11!

Shane throws a craxy FIT and starts stomping away but makes sure to finish his delicious coffee without spilling a drop. He then yells from a distance...

Remember today's lesson, lil' guy! You've got weeks, hell probably MONTHS worth of similar lessons coming before you're ready for your big cool debut but let me assure you once you're ready the XWF won't have a fucking clue what hit it. You're going to make the great and powerful 5'2 Mafia look like amateurs at their own game and you're going to bury the entire roster using sooper advanced methods and strategies none of them will possibly understand! Just wait! By the time I'm done preparing you, Sarah will be begging you to join up with her because if she couldn't handle a hooded pedo sending her poetry, she sure as hell won't be able to keep herself In Control with a Katana wielding Overlord Of Cool like you opposing her!

Shane's student shits himself but doesn't sell it. He just walks away like nothing is sloshing around in his jimmies. The boy is going to be the coolest kid of all time...