The destruction…or not destruction of the Grey-Lacklan residence had dominated the headlines in XWF. There were people on one side saying it was real, there were some on the other saying it was fake. The Hooded Man may not have been successful at getting whatever it was he wanted from Sarah, but he had been successful at being an enormous distraction…at least for those who didn’t go by the name Grey-Lacklan. Instead of being sucked up into all the name calling and finger pointing, they had done what they did better than anyone else; turn tragedy into an event to bring people together for a good cause.


Yeah, I know, there is no ‘Y’ in gala. When I asked Sarah about it, she told me that Kenzi insisted that there was and just painted it in there…likely because she is super gay. Of course, who am I to judge?

The two women had pooled the resources afforded to them by the level of celebrity they commanded and a benefit was created to assist the arson victims. True to their word, there were all manner of events and attractions; the wrangling of pigeons…the tiny lassos around their necks was weird, pinning tails on feral cats…they were NONE too happy about that, and a body slam contest featuring a very large and very horny man in a red mask…it definitely wasn’t Robbie Bourbon!

In spite of the silly back and forth over the Hooded Man’s part in all if this, it was quite the scene! If nothing else, these two women knew how to inspire the masses and put together one heck of a block party! Everything was in full swing, a mere 24 hours before Savage Saturday Night. I had hoped to spend a little time talking to Kenzi Grey about her participation in tomorrow night’s tag team tournament match…but it seemed that she was otherwise engaged…

---

The gaYla’s auditorium was packed with drunken party-goers and one particularly embarrassed XWF Anarchy Champion. Sarah Grey-Lacklan tried to hide her face as she scooted further down in her chair and covered her face with her hand. Up on stage, her wife and tag team partner, Kenzi Grey was trying out yet another new activity…stand-up comedy…


“Who in the hell even thought up the names for fish? I mean, come on! Hammerhead? Was the dude even trying?!”

BOOOOOOOOOO!

GET OFF THE STAGE!

YOU SUCK!

Sarah groaned as she actually did wish that Kenzi would take their advice. She shot a look at her wife, one that implored her to quit, but Kenzi merely rolled her eyes and kept plugging away, going on about Carp and Bass next. Sarah loved Kenzi and would be with her until her dying day…she just didn’t know that today was the day she died…on stage.

Sarah was thankful for the distraction as her former personal assistant, Ashley Allen showed up to spirit her away for an ‘emergency’ much to Sarah’s delight. Not wanting Kenzi to see her walk out, just as so many others had, she had a distraction prepared in the form of a particular bear that her wife had been obsessed with. She stood up and pointed behind Kenzi.

“OMG! Is that Salsa, the Wrestling Bear?!”

Kenzi paused as she turned and looked, hoping for all the world to lay eyes on the world-famous Salsa, but alas, she was nowhere to be seen. Kenzi turned back around and started back in on the fish names…at least until her wife was safely out of earshot. Her entire demeanor seemed to change, almost instantly. This all became even more apparent when she attacked one of the hecklers, a drunken middle-aged man wearing a shirt that was three sizes too small for his overweight frame.

“SHOW US YOUR TITS OR SIT DOWN!”

“I bet the last time you saw breasts that weren’t in the mirror was at KFC! Sit your big fat ass down!”

The man turned red with embarrassment and quickly tried to fire back at the television starlet.

“YOU’RE JUST MAD BECAUSE YOU LOST YOUR TAG TEAM TITLE ON MONDAY, LIKE YOU’RE GONNA LOSE THE TAG TEAM TOURNAMENT IN XWF TOMORROW NIGHT!”

Kenzi seemed taken aback, but she quickly recovered.

“You’re right! I did lose my UGWC Cooperative Title on Monday night. I dropped 10 pounds in 15 minutes! I bet you couldn’t drop 10 pounds in 15 months!”

This time the man’s embarrassment was too much as the fans shouted the heckler down and he took his seat, nursing a beer and his bruised ego.

“I hate to admit it, but Captain Diabetes is right. I did lose my championship on Monday night…and that ended over a year of those titles being in our hands. That’s dominance right there! Imagine this! For every pound that guy weighs…that was a day that we were champions! THAT’S A LOT OF FUCKING DAYS!”

The crowd laughed as the man hunkered even further down in his chair.

“Tomorrow night my wife and I will be taking on two guys by the name of Tristan Slater and Famine of the Vile…”

Kenzi paused scratching her chin thoughtfully.

“I was thinking, what an odd sounding pair, right? Like Tristan Slater sounds like some sort of high school jock. Like…WHOA! Tristan…you really killed it during the varsity football game dude! You’re totes gonna score some major poonany when we stop by the Famine of the Vile for burgers tonight! Hopefully they don’t run out of food again…that place fucking sucks!”

Kenzi shook her head as the audience laughed.

“I’m not saying they should change their names…but…they should absolutely fucking change their names, THAT SHIT IS TERRIBLE BRO! We are in the wrestling business and you can at least come up with some names that fucking match! I mean, Sarah and I got married just so we could have matching names when we wrestled! Talk about commitment…that’s some commitment for your ass right there!”

The crowd chuckles along with Kenzi as she paces across the stage and continues.

“Like, Tristan can stay being Tristan, but they need to be like; Tristan Slayer and Famine! Now, that is some matching shit right there! Slayer and the Vile Famine! They could start a Rock band or something! But, I get it…they are a mixed matched team that got thrown together after Tristan’s partner bailed on him. Which was weird, because I guess all these dudes had come to XWF together to take over…and running through a big tournament and winning it is a good plan, right? Me and my girls showed up and UGWC and took that shit over…for a while, we held every championship there was to hold! But, Tristan and Famine couldn’t even hold their stupid ass boy band together long enough to get through this tournament! HELL! Tristan couldn’t even hold together his own gimmick! He was running around calling us cunts…aint that Noah Jackson’s gimmick? I mean, I didn’t like that shit at first, but now…it’s kinda endearing when he says it!”

Kenzi broke into her best impression of Noah.

“HEY! Yah fucking cunts, how you doing today? Who the fuck cares yah fucking cunts! Shut your cunting mouths you cunting cunts! I mean, after a while…I didn’t even hear cunt anymore! It was like he was complimenting me! HEY! Good job in that match yah Cunt! Hey! Cunt, want a beer? That kinda shit…you know? But when Tristan just fell into it…it was like…really weird and out of place. Like all of it was! He started talking about Designing Women…that old ass show from like 30 years ago! That show is so old, I don’t even know if that is supposed to be an insult or what?! Does anyone even know what that show is about?”

A few older…like REALLY OLDER people from the crowd chimed in; “It was a show about four women and a man living and working together at a design firm.” Kenzi stared blankly at them then slowly closed her eyes as she started to snore, then abruptly woke up.

“Designing Women? What in the hell does that have to do with two lesbians living in Hollywood with a house full of weird ass animals! SO MANY WEIRD ASS ANIMALS! It’s like the fucked up female version of Noah’s Ark! Couple of hot bitches on a yacht, getting freaky and eating pigeons all day! WHO WOULDN’T WANT TO SEE THAT?! Like, I am positive that shit is WAY more interesting than fucking Designing Women! HOW OLD IS THAT GODDAMN GUY?”

The crowd roared at her blasphemous changes to the story of the Great Flood, even as she turned her attention back to Slater.

“Is that like a thing? Is he like getting dementia or something? You know, does that make you say stupid ass shit and just talk out of your head? He was going on and on about bloody tampons and how good it was to suck dick with no teeth…”

Kenzi gave a long and overly dramatic pause.

“WHERE IN THE FUCK DOES TRISTAN SLATER SPEND HIS GODDAMN NIGHTS? Is he picking up toothless hookers…like, rolling up in his creepy ass rape van, like; Hey…if your Aunt Flo is visiting…bring her on over so we can all party!”

The crowd lets out a collective groan of disgust, but Kenzi waves them all off.

“Fuck ya’ll, that’s funny ass shit! But, since ya’ll are done with him, lets talk about his boy, Famine! Now, Sarah tried to explain to me what this dude was…but I’m not stupid…I know what a famine is…and I know what vile means; so, he’s like the hunger of unpleasantness? He’s like the scarcity of wickedness? He’s like…the king of shitty ass names! That’s what this dude is! YO! Even with that dumpster fire of a name, all he could do is go on and ON and ON about being a legend. Look, I don’t know a lot of legends…admittedly…but I DO know that rule number one of being a legend is…NOT HAVING A SHIT NAME!”

She held up her hands.

“I mean, don’t get me wrong…it probably looks bad ass on a t-shirt! I mean, if you were dumb enough to buy one, people would think it was just a shirt for a shitty emo band, instead of a shitty emo…EMO!”

Kenzi shook her head from side to side, sending her braids whipping around her head in a frenzy.

“Now, I will give credit where credit is due. If I had to pick who would be talking about sniffing dirty tampons and getting blowjobs from toothless hookers, I would have put my money on the dude that looks and probably smells like a homeless grandpa! Yet, surprisingly, he only talked about people pissing their pants around him. Honestly, it doesn’t surprise me that anyone who hangs out with this guy pees their pants…I mean, it’s probably hard to find a bathroom in the middle of the night when you live in a cardboard box behind the adult video store. I mean, it’s not like they will let you just walk in, getting your stink all over the inflatable Vita Valenteen fuck dolls while you spray piss everywhere like a mangy dog marking its territory!”

Kenzi made a mockery of the situation as she went from one side of the stage to the other, hiking her leg up and pretending to pee on the wall, the mic stand, the curtains, and even a few audience members. She finally stopped as she squatted down and smiled at a woman that had her eyes closed and was shaking her head back and forth as she screamed…as if she had actually been pissed on.

“Hey…did you like that?”

NO!! The woman screamed.

“Why not? That’s legendary piss! You should thank me for even putting in the time to whip out my imaginary penis to pee on you!”

The woman was in near hysterics in a mixture of laughter and disgust.

“Hey…my friend wanted to know…do you have all your teeth?”

The crowd laughed loudly at that call back from earlier as Kenzi stood up and pressed her fingers to her lips.

“I don’t want none of you assholes in here running out after the show to tell my wife about how I was pissing on that poor woman and propositioning her for toothless fellatio! I would never do that! I love my wife and she is the last person I will ever pee on!”

More groans and a few chuckles pepper the audience as Kenzi appears to get serious. She walks back over to the mic stand and puts the microphone back in place as she shoves her hands into her pockets.

“When I was thinking up jokes and dumb shit to talk about while listening to Tristan and Famine drone on and on... saying our partnership didn’t mean anything…I knew they were wrong, but I didn’t know WHY they were wrong. So…I stopped…and I thought about it…why is this even important to me? I mean, sure…adding another title to our myriad of championships would be amazing, but…I don’t need this…I really don’t!”

Kenzi shook her head, looking out over the sea of fans.

“We are doing this thing tonight because some fucking maniac in XWF wanted to terrorize my wife by burning down our house…and yet, through all of that…we are still there. We are still less than 24 hours from stepping back into that place to wrestle a match, like none of that craziness just happened. Then…I thought about it…I really thought about it. Those two assholes were trying to run us down about our partnership meaning nothing, and yet the two of them couldn’t last a match without their team going to shit! They wrestled one tag tournament match in XWF and broke up with their partner before anything bad happened! No one ruined their locker room…no one dumped shit on them…no one hit them in the face with a briefcase or tried to burn down their fucking house!”

All she could do was shake her head at the thought of it all.

“After all of that…we…are still here and still ready to walk down that aisle together…as a team. A team that is going to win tomorrow night. A team that is going to send Tristan Slater home early from this tournament where he can sit in his easy chair and watch reruns of Designing Women and think about how unsanitary his choices in female companionship has been. Famine can have the unique distinction of having lost twice in this tournament…and if that ain’t legendary enough for him, he can just sit in his cardboard house and think back to the time that the 5’2” Mafia beat the piss out of him!”

She clasped her hands together and took a deep breath.

“I want to thank all of you people for coming out and supporting this cause. A lot of discussion was had on why we were doing this and why we weren’t allowing insurance to step in and just magically make everything okay. Well, the answer to that is that what happened to Billy and Chuck wasn’t an accident and it wasn’t their fault. It was sick and it was evil and it showed just how fucked up this world can be…if we allow it. Today was about standing up and telling people that we can be better…we can do better! In spite of our differences and our likes and dislikes, at the end of the day, we are all people and we come together when evil touches one of us. Skin color and sex doesn’t matter, only that people are willing to do the right thing…”

At that moment, Sarah made her way back into the room, which was now mostly silent. Remembering how her set began, Kenzi prepared to close the show just as she began it.

“Hey! You guys and gals have been really great, so I think it is only right that I close with one more great fish joke! What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?”

Kenzi looked out at the crowd, then screamed out…

“DAM!”

Sarah covered her face with both hands as the audience let out a collective groan and Kenzi waved as she left the stage. After a moment, they gave her a growing smattering of applause that continued to build, especially after they all realized that she was actually trolling her wife the entire time with embarrassing fish jokes.

As Kenzi came back to Sarah, the Anarchy Champion quickly got up and grabbed her, ushering her out of the room as quickly as possible. She seemed perplexed by the reaction of the fans, but she chalked it up to simply being polite to her, even though it was terrible. Sarah’s usual pale skin was flushed bright red. She shook her head.

“OMG! WHY ARE YOU SO EMBARRASSING?!”

Kenzi smiled as she put her arm around Sarah, hugging her tightly.

“What’s the difference between a piano and a fish? You can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish!”

“OMG! SHIT UP!!!”

The duo continued to giggle and laugh the rest of the night as they continued their GaYla, raising money for their displaced neighbors…or possibly for insurance fraud purposes…