The Cunt Movement







[ Channel 4 News, the REAL news of Melbourne ]


"G'day cunts, I'm Hol Mysack and this is the evening fucking news. Our first story of the evening is about Melbourne's own, XWF megastar Noah Jackson."


::: Hol pulls a face and whispers off-camera for clarification of who the fuck Noah Jackson is but it signalled to carry on. :::


"Uh... Well he made heads turn with what wrestling fans are calling the 'cunt' movement."





"Making the unwashed masses of fans rethink the wrestling business as a whole, our man on the streets Aussie Bill has been interviewing the people on this chilly Melbourne day."


::: The scene cuts to a bloke in a wife beater with a mic standing next to a punk rocker :::


AUSSIE BILL: "Oi cunt, why you all about this Noah Jackson shit?"


MOHAWK CUNT: "Aw mate its fucking ripper. Y'know Noah Jackson is all about anti-establishment, last Anarchy he sent a message to everyone watching. He jumped down the ramp yelling 'CUNT' at the top of his lungs in front of thousands of yanks and kicked the shit out of the favourite to win! He's real, mate! He isn't some fake package mass-produced like his opponents. Noah Jackson is sick! And one of a kind!"


::: Quick cut to Bill talking to a concerned mother :::


AUSSIE BILL: "What you thinking about this Noah Jackson malarkey, love?"


CUNT MUM: "I think it is dreadful! He's portraying a very negative Australian stereotype in a time where we're trying to move forward and get past the swear heavy reputation we have been perceived as; he should be more politically correct in my honest opinion."


AUSSIE BILL: "Fuck me, you're boring as shit."


::: Aussie Bill cracks open a VB before the scene cuts :::


AUSSIE BILL: "Cunt Movement, kidda? Yay or nay?"


HIPPIE CUNT: "Y'know, I think the movement is gnarly, man. Like, it's all freedom of speech and you gotta love Noah because he isn't a plastic and hateful human being like someone like Sarah Lacklan, man. He believes in what he says and does, he has heart man and he isn't afraid to show it! Right on Noah! CUNT! CUNT! CUNT! CUNT!"


::: The scene fades as the man chants; we then go to a golf course on a sunny day as Noah walks in fine clothes surrounded by an entourage of smiling yes men. :::


"...And then I called them a cunt!"


My boys laugh at my hilarious anecdote as we continue walking on the green towards the hole.


"Ah fuck me, lads. Is that another hole in one?"


GENERIC CUNT #1: "You are the king, Noah!"


GENERIC CUNT #2: "You're a natural, Noah! A natural!"


I grab the ball from the hole and juggle it in one hand, like a sick cunt.


"Yeah for my first time I'm fucking killing it."


GENERIC CUNT #3: "I'll run over to the next hole and see you sink another one, champ!"


"Right on, cunt. You really like doing that."


GENERIC CUNT #3: "Sure do, Noah!"


The cunt runs off his pockets bulging with my spare golf balls as we follow slowly behind.


"This is the good life, cunts. Should have signed a deal for SUGARfoods YEARS ago! Never sat so fucking pretty and I'm soon to be Anarchy champion after crushing the human incarnation of crumbs in the bed. Now, I have never sat through a full Lack-o promo in my fucking life and I probably never will, I can practically hear the aneurysm as soon as the boring cunt opens her fucking trap. Now, I've never watched a full promo but I think everyone cunt under the sun has picked up parts of some information under the garbled mess of white noise and eldritch screechings; so I thought a fun game to play is to guess what Lack-o is about!"


GENERIC CUNT #2: "Great idea, Noah!"


GENERIC CUNT #1: "You are the king, Noah!"


"Okay, so from just what I've picked up she's a vampire? I think? I think she's American but does a really bad impression of what she thinks a British person? Maybe? Tries to get over cringey lingo like a forty-year-old, out of touch man."


"Oh one of my favourite things about the cunt, she's very kick based in the ring despite the dumb cunt having the most brittle fucking legs in the business. Like fuck me, how do you have to be? First loss here was because of those fuckwit's legs."


"Erm, OH she called some random black dude Rain which is fucking hilarious considering the smug cunt self-inserts into every fucking scenario her big-headed ass can fit in. Matches, other cunt's debuts, fucking rectal exams in the back."


"She called Robert Main a coward for not challenging her despite the stupid cunt winning the March Madness tourney and going for the fucking Anarchy belt like a dumb fuck; like fucking hell you dumb cunt. You're the challenger, you're the one who challenges cunts! Apparently, she's been around the block a fair bit, think the spak should know this."


"Has a partner who loves her. Which is fucking ridiculous considering the blonde tumour is a tolerable as fucking head lice."

Brain CanSAR Said:"DuR tHiNkS tHiS sHiT iS oRiGiNaL oR cLeVeR"

"And the shit cunt has been on a downward slope in both popularity and quality since she walked through the fucking doors. Good thing the cunt has pull with Lane to get an easy road on Anarchy; fucking let down, cunts. Meanwhile, your boy, Mr Hardest Worker in the XWF has been fucking pogchamp accepting all comers and has actually turned more heads than that boring cunt who keeps slapping her face against her own soundboard saying no one knows her when the cunt is too self-absorbed to realise what everyone else is telling of her."


"That she's a flash in the pan."


"That she's a waste of potential and time."


"That the cunt is on the edge of losing it all."


"And one simple PUSH is gonna knock her ass down that fucking hill and break her fucking crown. Queen of fuck all is no match for the King Hit."


GENERIC CUNT #1: "You are the king, Noah!"


"Yes, cunt, I know."

FORMER:



W | L | D
226 | 11 | 81

Star of the Month (August 2019)
1/3 Star of the Month (January 2020) with Fuzz and our Subaru
RP of the Month (November 2019) with Big Disappointment