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Noah Jackson · (06-25-2019)

BROKEN RECORD

"Might as well start calling me Noah Lacklan because I'm going to repeat the same three things over and over until I become white noise."

"Hardest worker in the XWF. Check."

"Top Cunt. Check."

"PUSH NOAH! ... Checkeroo, cunt."

I mindlessly strum my bass as I recline back on my chair.

"But repetition's the name of the game, cunt. Trust Vinnie Lane to create a show called Anarchy and make it as by the numbers as a fucking dot to dot but that's what the cunt wants! Nah he doesn't want a loudmouth Aussie cunt to speak the truth and ruin his authoritarian bullshit, trust the prick to ruin everyone's fun by making sure the ring crew fixed that harmless prank I asked to be made with Lane's booth. Trust the lanky, delicate-handed, Curly from Of Mice and Men with vaseline filled gloves, Joan River looking dumb fuck-cunt-shit-dick-prick-cunt to ruin everyone's good time like that."

"But the cunt doesn't want you to stand in an empty ring with a single spotlight over you telling the camera about his or her achievements and how they're gonna fuck up their opponent. No, Lane wants metaphors, he wants dream sequences and promos told through the art of dance. He wants you to say the same thing over and over and over but hide it behind a pretty cover so he can get some semblance of being an innovator. Look at his three favourites in Lacklan, Ruby and Bobbi London. Same shit, different stage, all the fucking time."

"Lacklan runs down her list like a fucking robot but just changes the way it's presented."

"Ruby runs down her list like a fucking robot but changes the morale of the same old story."

"And Bobbi Londo runs down her list like a fucking robot but does it on Twitter."

"Those cunts are what Lane wants! Drones. Fucking drones, cunt. Ned Kaye is a shit cunt but at least he has the fucking drive! And that pisses Lane off. I piss Lane off because I' got that big dick energy that Lane envies. Hence why he insults with whispered hushes on commentary while I'm working my ass off in the ring, it's why his bird has to stick up for him on Twitter while he's busy retweeting Barney Green's tranny porn! He's fucking nothing, he's a shit cunt and I promise lads."

"I promise."

"When I win this tourney and prove to the world I am the sickest cunt in this wrestling business, I will challenge Vinnie Lane for the ownership of Anarchy! And when I win, I will make it something worthwhile! That is a Noah 'Hardest Worker in the XWF' Jay promise."

The bassline gets funkier

"And when I run Anarchy my first order of business will be to break the wheel and get rid of these mindless drone cunts that plague this fucking show. Starting with John Black. Mr. fucking mediocre! Dude has the charisma of a fucking speed bump which is fitting considering that's how he's gonna be treated on my road to the top. You, cunt, don't deserve a metaphor or a drawn-out visual analogy with depth or meaning. No, you deserve the sit down in a dark room with no thought or effort, you deserve to be hammered over the head with repetition. You don't deserve the story of me going back in time or hearing about how wacky my holidays were. Nah, cunt. You deserve nothing less than being treated as John fucking Black."

"The guy who nobody fucking knows or cares about. The cunt who has been here, what seven years and his biggest claim to fame is winning the HMW or the Feder? Fuck off, cunt. Do you know who the fuck I am?"

"I'm the hardest worker in the XWF."

"I'm top cunt!"

"Everyone knows to PUSH NOAH!"

"I'm a broken fucking record but I play a ripper song, cunt."

"Who the fuck are you?"

"Nothing."

"No one."

"The opener."

"The has-been cunt that never was."

"You don't deserve to be in the same ring as me."

"You don't deserve to say my fucking name."

"I'm one of the greatest wrestlers alive!"

"You're the human incarnation of ring rust."

"You're not worth the shit on my shoes."

"You're not worth my time or effort."

"You're not even worth me hitting the limit on this promo."

I play the Final Fantasy victory bassline and the scene fades to black.

::: The video stays on a still black image for around two full minutes before the promo ends. :::

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