TOP RAMEN


The Japanese.

Sneaky lot but they make a gnarly sup. Mad to think that I could hop on a plane from Oz to Tokyo and get my dinner for less than it costs to eat in Melbourne, ticket included but not risking getting kidnapped and being forced into a labour camp.

I sit contempt at my table, a bowl full of ramen in front of me. A notepad resting to my right and an XWF contract to my left. This is it. The medium-sized time. Like, don't get me wrong, XWF is alright an all but EMF wouldn't go amiss. Wankers said they didn't know me and I was a danger to their roster and stop pushing over the CEOs daughter, Noah! Cretins. Luckily for me, XWF is more lenient on who they let in than English border control.

Hahaha, bloody poms thinking the poor Bruces and Sheilas from Syria are actually just bananas. Fuckwits.

As I slurp my noodles, I write what my new amazing wrestler name will be on the notepad. You gotta pick the right one, no one will take you seriously if you come in with some boring name like John Smith, you gotta be creative.

I start to write down the amazing ideas in my beautiful head.

BILLY THE BASTARD
Names not Billy or even close, but they don't know that. Plus, it shows that I am indeed a mean bastard and alliteration is a winner. The ideas flow.

MR. X “THE ORIGINAL HORROR MOVIE ICON”
Fucking beaut, Noah! You clever little sausage but I can do better.

AARON ANARCHY
Eh, bit generic. C’mon Noah think!

NOAH'S ARC
That's a stable name you bloody prick. How am I doing worse?

CAPTAIN SPACEMAN “THE COWBOY ALIEN”
Creative to say the least, maybe a bit too out there.

HUGE JACKED-MAN
A play on Hugh Jackman, very witty. Maybe a bit too smart for the yanks though.

FISSION CHIPS
Ah, the British nuclear physicist from my childhood stories. Nostalgic.

DINGO “BABY KILLER” JACKSON
Cements my hatred for children at least.

SIR “NO GIMMICKS NEEDED” KNIGHTLY
Could wear armour to the ring… Made of steel chairs!?

SHOOTER “THE SHOOT” SHOTYA
Try saying that ten times fast.

FORMER PRIME MINISTER TONY ABBOT
The real cunt. Best not get political eh, Noah.

BRUCE THE BRISBANE BARBARIAN
Would mean I'd have to be associated with that shit hole Brisbane though.

THE TASMANIAN DEVIL
Pretty sure that's copyrighted.

THE GOLDEN GAYTIME
Delicious icey, but doesn't really strike fear into the hearts of men. Maybe fear to the lactose intolerant.

STEVE “THE STINGRAY” IRWIN
… Yeah, just go head and cross that one out.

ALPHA OMEGA PRIME X “THE FINAL ARMAGEDDON”
Love. It.

NOAH ‘VICTORIA BETTER’ KING
Play on the ol Victoria Bitter, too clever, mate, too fucking clever.

TIM “SICK CUNT” TAM
I do love Tim Tams and I am a sickcunt.

RAMEN KING “THE FAUX SAMURAI”
Bloody top ramen this. Bit racist though.

TANK KID, THE LAST GNAR
Gnarly.

Suddenly, an epiphany.



KING THUNDER “THE LAST LIVING LEGEND”

Lightning strikes!

I cannot hold the awe on my face as the noodles vacuum up inside of me. Swallowed by my newfound centre of gravity as I, Steven Noah fucking Jackson, created a new world within myself from the sheer excellence of this name.

I close the notepad, grab the contract and seal them inside a large envelope then leave the restaurant without paying because I'm an absolute mad lad.

I run with speed and fury to the nearest post box and yeet that cunt through the hole, sealing my fate as the coolest wrestler ever to grace God's green earth.

- WEEKS LATER -

Ever since I started to get big on the circuits and earned more than a slab of stubbies, I decided to hire myself an evil jew lawyer, he's been a big help to me, especially when I enziguried that small child in the front row. Little ankle biter had it coming though, talking smack like that.

I enter his office, God knows what nefarious deeds he's into.

“Good arvo, Steve-o.”

“G’day Lenny, my ol’ cobbler, how you diddling?”

“I'm doing well mate, signed you up for make a wish and a portion of our earnings go directly to charity. “

An evil charity I bet. Lenny fucking Burgerwitz. What a nasty cunt.

"Got good news too, you're officially signed to the XWF.”

“Bout bloody time, I'm chuffed though mate, no qualms about that.”

Lenny hands me the papers over his desk. I take a look and I'm immediately displeased.

“Noah Jackson! They didn't go with my fucking name, mate!”

“That's because you signed it as Noah, you drongo. They also said if you have an issue with your salary, go EMF.”

Crikey, how'd they know about that one?

“If you're wondering how they know about that it's because you documented your thoughts on that bloody notepad.”

“Fuck me, reckon I've made a proper cunt of myself, eh?”

“Ah, no wuckas, mate.”

“Did they at least choose one of my dardy nicknames?”

“They went with ‘The Vegemite of Wrestling”

“Fuck me dead. That's not one of mine!”

"It is, matter of fact.”

“Fair dinkum?”

"Yeah, you used it against The Aboriginal Assassin in AAW.”

“Ripper name.”

“Too right. Yeah you called him the Vegemite of Wrestling to which he responded ‘What? You either love me or hate me?’ and you replied ‘No, it's because you're black and fucking stink.’”

…

Don't laugh.

“Yeah, think I deserve that nickname now come to think of it.”

“You've come in on fairly bad terms, mate. Not gonna lie, but keep your head down for a bit and you'll be fine in the big leagues.”

“Yeah,yeah. Cheers, Lenny.”

"No wuckas, mate.”

“Yeah, no wuckas.”

There were indeed, plenty of wuckas.

FORMER:



W | L | D
226 | 11 | 81

Star of the Month (August 2019)
1/3 Star of the Month (January 2020) with Fuzz and our Subaru
RP of the Month (November 2019) with Big Disappointment