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"The Wolf of Afghanistan" Joshua Schuler · (03-26-2019)

Bearded War Pig sits in his ranch home in Lake Station, Michigan. Sipping straight black, Black Rifle Coffee with high dosage of CBD infused. No sugar. No Milk. No fucking foo, foo, dairy, sugar unicorn dong flavored creamer either. Just a ceramic mug that reads “FUCK Humans!” bold and black lettering, white backdrop filled with pure Patriotic Caffeinated, American made Coffee. Taking one more sip before, Pig slams his laptop shut.

Turning toward the camera set up in the northwest corner of his kitchen. Revealing his attire. BWP is wearing a cut off Despicable Me, Minion’s t-shirt, a pair of black And One basketball shorts, no underwear, no socks. Smiling, words begin to slip from his tongue as smooth as a pimp named Slickback.

“Well slap my nuts and call Jeff Jarret! This feels fucking great to be back here in the XWF, ONCE AGAIN! Seriously though, I just finished watching the second promo from the only other competitor from my match to even attempt to stoke the fires of war. Something I’ve missed out on for quite some time, being isolated for intense therapy. One doesn’t really know how much they mistake the small things for being irrelevant. Understanding that our promos are what gets the fans live and at home pumped for the matches we put on. The exact reason I feel, I must speak out against the blasphemy I just witnessed.

Tony, Tony, Tony my man. You and I both are returning from a long stint away. So, I won’t be to harsh on yah, but what in the fuck did I just witness? Are you trying to make our moment to shine a piss break, a concession visit, or even worse a time to check in on social media?! What you displayed had no edge, no pizazz, very little story, and no mention of the war you are about to be parachuted into with no reinforcements, very little rations, and well one of the fiercest enemies on this rotting space rock!

Whining about having to wrestle for less than what it cost you for travel and lodging before making it to the big leagues?! Boo fucking hoo! Sounds like the story of most wrestlers, until they catch that break. No one cares Tony. What’s your next promo going to be about how you made it now and no one is going to topple you?! Please don’t be that predictable.

I must say that I am proud at the fact, you at least had the balls to air something. I almost thought I was the only one going to be reaching out to get the people ready to riot for our Fatal Four Way. Guess for the execution I’ll give you an overall D minus. With that being said, I suggest you pay for someone to help you produce something a little juicier for all the XWF viewers. It was kind of like watching one of those pornos where the star fucks every day John’s and they ruin a chance of life time by premature ejaculating.

Fuckin’ sad. Not just for the fuckface failing on a grand stage, but also for the rest of us involved. Most men and woman may not understand but everyone involved in the match plays a part. We maybe enemies but we are still the solid unit of entertainment for the people who really matter. So, your sad display of what you believe a Hart Championship Contender should display to his or her people, affects my image as well. Next time before you tarnish my reputation and the reputations of all the greats before, now, and after us. You figure something out that will really give our fans boners from pure excitement, Trump’s whores couldn’t even satisfy!

For your blatant lack of respect for the business and this magnificent empire that has so graciously taken you in. You are now public enemy number one when it comes to March Madness. Hopefully amongst the battlefield you will really dig deep down inside yourself and find some relevance of a true warrior. If not, I suppose, I am one of the few men and woman here who can make a clean sweep entertaining. Not many enjoy when one of the superstars comes into the match and just dominates the whole match from start to finish. They want conflict, close calls, and violence. Our house is our home and well you need a reality check bub, because it takes every one of us to keep the walls from caving in!

Pulling his mug of coffee to his lips Pig takes a gulp before grabbing his custom-made cigarette tin. Opening the face of the tin that is engraved with the word ‘MotherFuckers’ Pig removes a doobie from the tin and places it betwixt his lips. BWP then grabs his custom black diamond plated zippo and engulfs the end of his doobie with flame. Inhaling peacefully through his mouth, exhaling a wall of therapy into his kitchen. Taking a couple more drags from the Lemon Kush goodness our Gods had left behind for us to enjoy. Bearded War Pig then presses the ember into an ashtray extinguishing the tip turning it into nothing more than ash and resin waiting to be ignited for later use.

"Fuck that’s some good Hydro. Now were the fuck, was I? Oh yes. Tony Fuckin’ Santos! You’re one fucking boring motherfucker. Hopefully you’re in ring ability is more entertaining than the two promos you allowed your people to air. What in the actual fuck is wrong with you? Down syndrome or something, because if so, then I apologize. It damn sure wouldn’t be your fault someone fooled you into believing what you gave us was what we wanted to see! My nephew takes shits that are more exciting. I swear I could go on for days on how what you have given us so far is the exact opposite of what the XWF creativity board would like to produce. Kind of fuckin’ embarrassing, if I must say. Hopefully the point has been made, if not, I suppose we could try one more thing. I could just beat some entertainment into your brain come March Madness!

Natia Ngata why don’t you want to come out and play? Does my Beard frighten you? Don’t let it. Honestly, you in the match was what I was looking forward to the most. You are a woman. Our Hart Champion is a Woman, so I figured hell she will be my most similar opponent to my real opponent Dolly Waters. Ya’ll are just stepping stones for this guy, nothing more. Yeah, Tony is going to get a little more of the blunt force of the ass whoopin’ just because he rubbed me the wrong way bae-bee. Don’t worry sweets, as of right now, you are numero dos.

Natty you really are disappointing as of now. It may sound a little sexist or whatever, but you were supposed to come off fierce and catty like the young Ms. Waters. Nothing. Complete and utter silence how am I going to gain an upward hand against XWF’s favorite Jail Bait if you are scared, weak, and timid like an abused puppy? I fuckin’ CAN’T! So, what the fuck is it going to be, are you going to be another disappointing female in the industry or are you going to be a Dolly fuckin’ Waters?!? Ahh. Who the fuck cares, come March 31st, you’ll just be another victim of my Warpath!

El Pussy! You’re lucha ancestors would even call you a PUSSY!

All the XWF you can betcha ass this Fatal Four way match will be BEARD-if-FULL! Until next time.

Oink, Oink, Motherfuckers!”

Before cutting to a generic XWF commercial, BWP strokes his beard with his head tilted to the right slightly, his eyes piercing with violence like daggers.

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