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"The Wolf of Afghanistan" Joshua Schuler · (03-21-2019)

“What I see. I own!”

Bearded War Pig smiles into a camera his pearly whites sparkling through his thick and dark beard. Before turning the lens toward the XWF building before him. Making it obvious he is holding the camera himself. Pig has a completely shaven head now and kind of a darker aura among him.

“Oink, Oink, Motherfuckers! You can betcha ASS, the king of the PIG PEN is back… At least for one more match. Not making any promises this time around. Well because I’ve let ya’ll down too many consecutive times. That’s right I’m man enough to admit when I fucked up and well when it comes to the XWF Universe. I really shit on everyone’s biscuits and gravy. I don’t want to speak for ya’ll, but I wouldn’t blame yah for not having any faith or forgiveness for me.

Fuck! I know I wouldn’t. No. Nope, I’d fucking rip off a mother fuckers’ head off and shit down his throat. Biscuits and Gravy is too damn delicious to be disrespecting like that. Which is exactly what I did to ya’ll, management, fellow superstars, and most importantly the reason I’m back. All ya’ll who tune in and watch the XWF week in and week out!

XWF’s March Madness just could be the last time a Wargasm happens in the pig pen. I guess what I am trying to say is I’m not holding anything back. No matter if ya’ll are booing or cheering for your friendly neighborhood Wildn’ Motherfucker!

Just getting out of inpatient therapy. I just don’t see myself being able to compete week in and week out. Not that I am not feeling good or anything. Honestly, I’m feeling fucking great and if by the hair of Odin’s beard, I do decide to stay for another run. All the old faces, new faces, and most importantly fuck faces who belong to the XWF roster. Better just except that the Hog of fuckin’ War, ruts wherever and whenever he wants!”

BWP turns the camera back to his face before screaming his last sentence into his video recorder. Amidst the rest of his dialogue the 'Hog of War' made his way slowly toward the front doors of the XWF steel structure. Flipping the video recorder back around to his POV. Pig reaches his hand out grasping the door handle pulling the cold steel and glass door wide open.

Barging in as if he owns the place, the very confident and therapeutically sound BWP begins walking down the main hallway. Stopping about ten paces down the hall, Pig begins scanning the walls of the hall that are covered in XWF superstar and staff portraits. Past and present. Not just portraits, but posters, championships, and various other memorabilia representing all eras of the XWF. Flipping the camera back to his very own smiling mug.

“All of this is exactly why, every one of us successful or unsuccessful superstars of XWF owes every one of you our one hundred percent dedication to entertaining the masses. None of us would have our portraits, posters, and or memorabilia hanging in these halls. Hell, this building wouldn’t exist. Vinny fucking Lane would never of had any chance in hell with Roxy. Robert Main would never be considered a top dog. Dolly Waters would just be another know it all hormonal teen who bleeds from her twat. Instead of making her opponents bleed like a school girl vagina, freshly ripening to womanhood.

Nope. I damn sure would have never been able to come back, leave, come back, leave, and COME-BACK! Whoop ass take names and have the second most thrilling time of my life. War was obviously my first. No, but if it wasn’t for ya’ll none of us living out our dreams here in the XWF. Would even be given the chance in the first place.

That is why ya’ll deserve the best fucking March Madness! Exact reason, I’m here today. To sign my contract for my match! How else is this PPV going to be fucking BEARD-if-FULL!? It simply wouldn’t. Now how bout we get this old War Hog’s Johnny Hancock jotted down on some paper. Properly followed by some words of wisdom for my enemies. Before I return to training my mind, body, and soul for my BEARD-if-FULL return!”

Spinning the camera to face away from himself. Pig begins walking down the hall to a door. Not bothering to knock. Pig’s hand grasps the door knob. Twisting the knob and pushing the door open. Barging in like a lock and loaded Marine with an objective. Surprisingly catching the XWF staff member receiving oral sex from his newly hired intern. Pig quickly flips the camera back to his face.

“Looks like someone might be getting a call from HR… TSK.. TSK…”

Facing the camera back toward the big breasted blonde who is rising from her knees. Like a majestic cock gargling phoenix, licking her chops. Perfectly fitting for soon she would most likely receive a nice bonus, raise, and fully paid vacation while still receiving normal paychecks. Suddenly all the perverts viewing the live feed are broken from the sexual scandal before their very eyes. BWP speaks firmly.

“So fuckin’ sorry about that bub! Maybe lock the fucking door next time! What are you fuckin’ spare parts? Fuckin’ Amateur on so many different levels. Didn’t lock the door. Releasing testosterone before a business meeting. Trust me. When I say dealing with me, you’re going to want all the aggression and sexual frustration possible. Swimming around in your little boy raisins. What the fuck are you waiting for? Write that shit down, bird dick!”

Wiping her mouth, the intern chuckles at BWP’s “bird dick” comment as she walks out of view of the camera. Being the perverted degenerate that he is Pig slowly turn the camera to get a nice frame of her juicy booty meat as it shifts back and forth upon her exit. Back to the knuckle head who got his white dress shirt caught in his zipper amid everything.

“Un-FUCKIN-Believable!”

Shaking his head, “no”, Pig screams. While knife handing the poor fellah. Before the XWF staff member can utter out a single word, BWP continues with a verbal barrage of insults.

“How fuckin incompetent are you? Did you also have to suck a bird cock to land your job? If your dick wouldn’t have been so fucking small you would have just performed a self-circumcision! If you don’t have my contract for March Madness ready to be blessed… I swear by the stars and stripes I’m going to somehow make you choke on that little prick of yours. Test my American Gangster! Fuckin’ test out nerd!”

Startled the contract bearer jumps back from Pig’s bass filled threats. Trying to figure out the self-circumcision comment, he looks down. Noticing his shirt sticking out like a dick he wishes he had. Quickly and nervously the XWF staffer tries to get his shirt unstuck from his pants zipper. Unable to achieve his task he quickly makes his way behind his desk where his shirt dick would be hidden.

“I have your PPV contract right here. I just need your signature and you can be on your way.”

Exclaims the XWF staffer with a shaky voice.

Pig smiles sadistically into the camera. Proceeding to take a seat across from ole ‘bird dick’ himself. Before speaking.

“Well let me take a looksies! Who in the hell got lucky to receive a lesson on how to receive a proper ass whoopin?”

Tap.

Tap.

Quickly the XWF staffer taps a pen on the contract wanting his video recorded nightmare to end as fast as possible.

BWP’s hand reaches out and begin scanning the contract to make sure it wasn’t a shit show they wanted him to save. Pig smiles before reaching down grasping the pen and signing his name on the dotted line.

“Not too fucking bad. Not my usual Championship match return. Fatal Four Way, elimination style, number one contender for the Hart Championship! I’ll fuckin’ take it. Now if you’ll give me your office for a bit, I have some words for my opponents and well you’re killing my fuckin vibe.”

Wasting no time, the XWF staffer hustles toward his own office door. Not wanting to have his ass beat and thrown out. Just as he grasps his door knob he turns back to BWP, attempting to grow a pair but is instantly shut down. Pig yells.

“That’ll be DONKEY! That’ll be!”

His boy raisins rise into his body and he instantly turns around. Exiting the office for BWP to conduct a promo in peace. Before Pig’s lip’s part ways, he flops down in the main chair, tall back, black leather, with massage capabilities, and of course heated. His Ozark Trail hiking boots slam down crossed on the XWF desk. Relaxed and ready to drop bombs.

[i]“Tony Santos, El Principe, and Natia Ngata… Chosen to be apart of the most intriguing and entertaining match on the PPV card. You’re welcome! Ya’ll should know usually when I make a return around here I don’t usually have to beat down some dreamers before I rip a Championship from some poor souls broken hands. Guess ya’ll get to be apart of history. Again. Ya’ll are welcome.

Even after all three of you lose, your names will still be chanted. Only because this match is going to have so much damn stank on it. Losers will still be carried like winners. Defeat will not sting as bad as the rest of the losers of the night. We are going to demolish the house of XWF! It doesn’t matter if any of you cock bags or baggette can even entertain.

When ya’ll step into the pig pen you will see wherever I roam, entertainment follows. All you fuckers must do is show up and I’ll do the rest. Inside the ring I will force you all to be warriors. It’ll be as if you are fighting for your life. The level of violence and persistence I am going to cram down your throats will be BEARD-if-FULL! One by one, elimination after elimination, I will take my opportunity for a Hart Championship match.

Not that I wouldn’t mind at least one of you taking out another. I can share some of the fun for fucks sake. I’m not a complete piece of shit. This isn’t Chris Chaos speaking. I may be ruthless. Immature. Determined. Unpredictable. A straight up fucking WILD CARD! But, I'm definitely not a rat bastard, pussified, low life SNAKE.

Hopefully none of my opponents are either. I don't know any single one of them. Never heard of them. Just going to be honest and admit I paid very minimal attention to the XWF why I was gone. Not apologizing because well my mental state was a little more important at the time. If I was to ever want to reach my full potential again, one hundred percent of my focus was on winning my war within.

No I did not end the war I face everyday. What I did do is figure out a way to utilize it in my favor. So when I say ya'll might as well not even study old tapes, ask other superstars tales of my capabilities. It won't matter, I have a new fire burning inside. My mental game is on a whole new cosmic level. Our fatal fourway match is going to be my redemption. My evolutionary stage and well it's going to be one for the books!

OINK, OINK, MotherFuckers!"

Bearded War Pig pulls a cigarette case from his cargo shorts pocket. Opening the case Pig removes a pearl of a sunset strip joint. Lighting up his happy stick, BWP takes a couple puffs before the scene fades to black.

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