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"The Wolf of Afghanistan" Joshua Schuler · (12-16-2017)

~Gape X Commercial~

Very flamboyant actors wearing ugly Christmas turtleneck sweaters hauling a freshly cut pathetic ass Christmas tree through the snow toward a family home. One of them with a shaggy medium greaseball hair due is chewing on venison jerky the shape of penises with the balls attached. Cock and balls gobbler has an axe slung over his shoulder. bearded man with blonde locks that look to have been pulled on roughly for hours on end in rough and violent anal sex. Finally, the last one bearded as well but not so blonde and most likely the top of the three homosexuals stands with anal beads so massive they’d destroy an elephant’s asshole.
His sick and twisted smile lets the viewers know he was the one to rip cord his bareback Christmas story pals. That and the way the other two walk as if they still have a BBC stuck in their bums. The blonde speaks as he let’s go of his hold on the Christmas tree right at the front door of the family home one of his hands up about nipple height hailing queer eye HItler, The other two stare rubbing themselves and one another.

“Robert those Gape X beads were exactly what I needed to give me the strength to cut down that massive tree. You really are the most dominant man I’ve ever laid eyes on.”

The massive tree one of the fags is talking about is no bigger than three feet tall and as scraggily as Jim Caedus dick. Robert replies to his little bitch.

“I know Jimbo, you and Drew, my pot ole anal stew, handled these bad boy’s like a couple butt pirates! I mean the way I ripped them out of each of your asses out there really gave me confidence. Something I’ve been lacking my whole life.”

“Oh Roberto you’re so dreamy.”

Robert lifts the anal beads off his shoulder and licks them from one end to the other. Chunks of anal tissue fall off the bumpy knobs for her or this case his pleasure. The only man of the butt brigade without a beard begins rubbing his nipples while staring into the camera shooting the commercial.

“If you love having your asshole destroyed and don’t have any idea what you want for Christmas, XWF’s APEX can only recommend one brand of anal destruction. Gape X the official sex toy of Apex! The reason the Motherfuckers can never kick our asses. Gape X has our asses so gaped their foot would slide right in!”

The three then proceed to strip down and take turns shoving their Charlie brown Christmas tree up each other’s assholes like the huge gaping ass goblins they are. Showing the audience, just how much Gape X leaves your asshole destroyed.

Gape X Commercial Ends~

Bwarhahahaha! Gerald and myself can’t help but bellow out in laughter at what we had just witnessed. What a hilarious commercial it was. Knowing we have went live again I turn back to the BFL camera man and smile toward the viewers. Still sitting on the couch next to one of mine and the Motherfuckers fans, Gerald who is holding his stomach in laughter.

“Damn son. The commercial was funny but get ahold of yourself we our live again. Are you going to be able to gain composure?”

Reaching my arm out, I rest my hand on the overly amused teenager. Gerald just keeps laughing. Shaking my head in disbelief, I look back to the camera.

”How the fuck goes it, hopefully we didn’t loose anyone during our commercial break. Hopefully the skit was as amusing for you as my young friend here. *pointing my finger to Gerald* He can’t seem to gain self-control long enough for a reintroduction. So, I’ll just lay it down for yah if you are just now tuning in or if you smoke like a chimney like myself and may have forgot. I am Bearded War Pig with my boy Gerald here live on Bearded Fan Love.

While we were at commercial break not only did we get to enjoy that hilarious skit mocking those three deusch nozzles in Apex. Can you believe those fucktards honestly attempted being hard asses while out looking for a Christmas tree together? Nothing against family bonding, Christmas cheer, or even the gays. But come on you are supposed to be the Apex? Three limp dick pussies out looking for a Christmas tree ramming different objects into one another and talking dirty while stroking one another’s egos is a little broke back mountain Christmas edition if you ask me!

All three of those cock guzzling dip shits had something to say when it came to the quality of our promoting abilities. Then they come up with some very lame, boring, and bland homosexual erotica. What a sad attempt to try and play the games that us the Motherfuckers play best. Fucking let the real charismatic talent display the creativity because attempts from anyone else just seem to suck! Broke back Christmas is a prime example, anyone who doesn’t find Apex boring and limited would be the same people online right now searching for Apex’s favorite Christmas present Gape X anal beads!

At least we all know why Drew didn’t want any games to be played because they are worse at it than

trying to fuck in the dark. Except his two butt buddies didn’t get the memo and thought they would try to hop on the Motherfucker’s dick. They didn’t realize how hard we fuck though and well were instantly bucked off like the inexperienced behind the scenes fluffers that they are! Come War Games XWF fans will be receiving early Christmas presents when we the Motherfuckers take Apex to BOOM town!”

Gerald finally begins to gain control of his laughter. His hands slowly move from his stomach to his side as he sits up on the couch. I turn back to the camera and smile.

“Looks as if the honorary guest is able to give us his two cents on War Games? So how about you give us your feelings on War Games?”

Gazing in Gerald’s direction I begin to remove my joint case from my left pant pocket. Taking a ‘hog’s leg’ from the custom waterproof case. After inserting one end into my mouth. I proceed to light the other end while inhaling. Gerald before answering my question extends his hand, tempting me to pass him the doobie. Bwarhahaha! Kid is a funny little fucker. Laughing in his face I take a huge hit while shaking my head.

“Come on BWP, my parents know I smoke pot, it’s almost two thousand eighteen. The whole fucking world is down with ganja now!”

“No you conniving little roach! I’m apart of America’s favorite team and we do not condone supplying minors with illegal substances. I’m just fucking with yah Gerald, I am a man of Freedom. Your parents obviously believe you are old enough to make your own decisions. Leaving you alone like they do, they must trust you. More grown then the very lap dogs that get to feel the boots of freedom against their skulls first at War Games! ”

My attention jolts back to the camera for a moment to announce a public service announcement.

“Remember kids when you are unsure of anything in life, just ask yourself what would mad dog do? Well I am here to tell you he would knife hand his enemies to death and leave their heads on pikes for the entire world to witness! Plus, he would do whatever he damn well pleases because he is a free man. Free men get to do whatever they damn well want. Right now, I want to shit all over Apex’s parade!

So, you all believe yourselves to be some hardcore band of billy badasses. Well you have went about it all wrong, because everything you’ve done so far. WEAKSAUCE! Nothing that you’ve said or done is even remotely close to the shit bird name, you three sucksters came up with. Three grown men holding hands and frolicking on their parent’s property like a bunch of hippy degenerates. Using all your time and effort to make yourselves look hard.

You failed miserably. The only thing you all three have done is shown that you are bullies and well seem to be trying to jump my boy Bourbon with words. Every time I hear the whimper of a broken asshole, I look up and there you three are. Yipping at the top of your lungs about how Bourbon is this, Bourbon is that. Why? Because right now he is everything you three fuck wits desire, the XWF Universal Champion. Under-fucking-standable, hell if he wasn’t my good pal and fellow Motherfucker I’d be gunning for him as well.

Instead like the good friends we are Engy, Bourbon, and Myself will stand together like America and clip the wings of all the shit birds that disgrace our great nation. That includes you Drew. By the way, no thanks, you aren’t really my type. The whole greaser look is a little undisciplined for my taste. So, fuck me eh? Why aren’t you a sweet little ugly fucker? Sweet enough to get the blessing of a friend to plow his sister. I bet she fucks like a fat ugly broad, doesn’t she? Never mind I am sure I can find out sooner or later on my own. Since she seems to be a multiple man kind of girl, I am sure you or her brother won’t care. Hell even if you did what could you really do?

Not a DAMN thing.”

“Excuse me. BWP this is Bearded Fan Love, not sex talk with XWF’s greatest.”

”Yes, yes you are absolutely right. Sorry Gerald, guess I started rambling there. Got caught up in the moment I guess. It’s just those silly fucking twats seem to believe I am not of the same worth I was before my disappearance. Not just them either but a warrior I actually respect, Doc D’Ville.”

“What the fuck is that horse shit? You haven’t changed a bit, no one comes into the XWF and beats Neville like you did. Yeah you lost to Erik Black only three or four defenses later, off day because he turned around and lost it to the very man you beat.”

“Now if only the simpletons could grasp this information in their own brains.”

“Oh who gives a shit. You’re Bearded War Pig the man with no limits. The war machine who makes freedom ring. You give us the people the power and you are every bit as worthy if not more than any other on XWF’s roster. You just need that one good match again that lets it all sink in. That one decent challenge that rekindles the warriors spirit that is not lost. But simply aimlessly wandering until the time is right. Now I am not saying War Games will be that challenge. Soon enough it will all come flooding back over you like the black plague.”

“Kid you have one level head on those shoulders. Thanks a lot I needed that little bit of reassurance from someone like yourself. Don’t be silly though Gerald it is you all who gives me my power and I want you all to know I appreciate the will and energy you gift me week in and week out. Every time after the bell rings the roar of the fans brings electricity to all members of my body and the whirl wind of fuckery blows through like a category five tornado. The peoples energy and existence has always been my reasoning and well it feels amazing knowing I have all of their support going into War Games even after I let them down and lost our precious title…”

My lower lip folds up into my mouth in disappointment. Gerald reaches his arm around my shoulder for comfort. I laugh and take a puff on a joint. He smiles and says.

“Let’s grab some peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch. I can have the maid fix them up for us.”

Just as the scene fades out.

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