Tsssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss..........!




Oh baby! You're so hot right now that I'm catching a tan just from standing next to you, bruh! You're shining about as bright as the fucking sun, son! Calypso has to say, you've come in like quite the shit storm and if there's one thing.... ONE THING... One piece of INTEL I could share with you newbie it's......... stay outta the broom closets. Okay, maybe that's a little out dated, so TWO things... And that's Calypso is not a one, not a two, a three, but a FOUR time Federweight Champion. You're barking and stomping and sniffing and pissing around some other dawg's yard, yo. You already fucked up once when you took my boy Vinnie for a ride at High Stakes. You shoulda just handed him the spotlight he deserves to begin with and you guys might have had a chance against the Kings of Rock back there. I can already tell you're about as pompous as a starting college quarterback with a huge cock. I mean you came in here with that huge thing and just swung it around like you owned the place as soon as Vinnie-Man sent you the invite. Tell you what, put that thing away. I'll throw us together a few Appletini's, and we can talk about some free gym memberships you could slide my way. Don't throw old Calypso for the old loop either, dude, I know you have to live there so you gotta have some connections for me. Your abs. Are. Stellar.

Calypso looks James Raven up and down, gives him a big thumbs up, then jabs it into his eye. While Raven stumbles back, Calypso rushes up and pulls him into a small package!!

Jesus Christ, what short bus did you just jump off of? Before we delve too far into this, here's a pro-tip for you; making your words bigger and gayer won't change the fact that there's nothing of substance behind them. You're right, I'm hotter than John Madisons urine stream and lighting up the company like Peter Gilmours face when you offer him a twinkie. What the hell are you doing, other than trying to become a (not three, not four) but five time Federweight champ off a guy that just had to fight through most of the roster and wants to go to bed?

This is your yard? Then where the fuck have you been? I've been right here, doing what's apparently your job and cashing your x-bux checks. Wherever you disappeared to, you clearly haven't been anywhere near the XWF or paying attention to the results lately. I took Vinnie for a ride? Sure, and the Cleveland Cavaliers were slightly outplayed. Vinnie can't handle the spotlight, as was clearly put on display by his attempt to steal it, and to be quite frank neither can you. If I'm the starting QB with a big swinging dick, where does that put you? Nosebleed section, elbow deep in nachos while your girlfriend tells you she's going to the bathroom but really sneaks down to field level to try and catch my eye? You spilled some cheese on your cargo shorts.

Made you look.

I don't drink appletinis, it's how I maintain the abs you're so envious of. Thanks for the offer though. Kickout.

While most corn chips are gluten-free, you just can't trust stadium nachos, so nah. I may not carry the same six pack around as you do, I still try my God-damnedest to keep the weight off. So, about those gym memberships.

Don't worry about where the true working talent around here has been, yo. I live, breath, sweat, and crap XWF and I have for years. Just because you don't see this pretty mug on the cover of every issue of XWF magazine doesn't mean that this Ghost Tank-beatin', gluten-free eatin', sexy bitch sweepin' mo fo ain't worth hanging around just waiting for the perfect moment to make his move. My agenda, you're absolutely right, IS to become the FIVE TIME XWF Federweight Champion. I grew a little hopeless there for a bit while that little girl had you wrapped up. I didn't think you'd ever finish her off and I'd be stuck in limbo forever!

You've got enough on your plate now, Bird-Brain. Winning High Stakes, becoming #1 contender, taking Vinnie for a ride (meaning flattening him out with your Flight of the Icarus rendition of the Diamond Cutter) (Isn't that an Iron Maiden song? Fucking sweet) But it's not like you don't have that red dot in the middle of your forehead now, so, just lay their like the whore that you are and accept the fate that Calypso has for ya.

Calypso kicks Raven square in the groin and hits..... THE CLAP!!! BY GAWD! BY GAWD! HE KILLED HIM! Pin.

Whoa, Calypso... you're still here? I wasn't sure. I sat up for an hour last night waiting to see if you responded before you apparently thought better of it and went into hiding.

When I woke up this morning, I had to wrestle with the moral dilemma of whether or not to pile another session of verbal violence on when it seemed so clear you had run off, tail between your legs. I thought better of it; I'd let you get by without a second lashing from my razor sharp tongue... and yet here you stand in all your chrome-domed, gap-toothed, pasty-fleshed glory.

Thanks buddy, you've relieved me of the guilt I would have felt for kicking a 'tard while he's down.

You "live, sweat and breathe the XWF" and have for years? You've competed in four matches homeboy, you CAN'T be serious. I just wrestled in three at High Stakes alone, before you stumbled in looking like a Rob Corddry after a 48-hour crack binge. Don't tell me you felt hopeless when I tied up with Dolly, you should have felt hopeless when you sobered up this morning and realized your blind pursuit of this little gold belt signed you up for suicide via Raven.

Take your boat shoes, khaki cut offs, braided belt, Ed Hardy shirt and the fake tooth you use to cover up the cock slot in the middle of your mouth, and keep moving freak. Kick out. #AndStill

Well sorry for causing you a late night there, paly. The last time Calypso cost anyone sleep was when I spent the night with your mom a few nights ago. We sat up all night baking flourless, elderberry gingerbread cookies and cream pies, all while talking about how your recent return to the fed is about as exciting as watching two cats bang it out. Kind of intriguing at first, it's got my attention... But now I'm horrified. Horrified to find out that all of this glory and praise and parades that's been going on could be all a waste.

My appearances may be few and far from each other, but that doesn't take away that I've done stuff, dude. I'm a staple backstage and if it wasn't for me.... Thick pieces of dull wood like yourself wouldn't have the slightest clue on how to throw a good party. Don't be criticizing my record, either, pretty boy. Did you bother reading the fine print? I beat fucking Ghost Tank dude. Have YOU? I didn't think so. I may have a shortage of appearances in the ring, hell, compared to you, I think anyone would. Over 100 matches here and you're still kicking, still healthy, with hardly a bruise to show for it besides a few head injuries. Those concussions must have had more of an effect on your thinking skills than you think because if you're just going to stand there and pick at my chompers and hair-loss, when you face the Uni Champ Jim Caedus you're going to be in for a rude awakening. Is that what the XWF of OLD that you all talk about was like? Hanging your nose in the air spatting out petty insults about another dude's looks? OOOOOOOOOO. I'll give you a hint that you could maybe stick in your back pocket for later... Jim used to be homeless. He's dirty. Smelly. Gross. Keep that in that damaged brain of yours and you've already won bro. Not. #gingerbreadmom #5x #goingtowholefoodsanyonewantanything?

Calypso sneaks up behind Raven as he walks away and rolls him up in a school boy pin!!!

First Blaq, then Dolly, and now you... how many more rumps plan on coming out of the woodwork to insult me for having weak and generic trash talk, without looking long and hard at the "hot fire" that they're bringing to the table?

Yes, I made fun of your appearance and I most certainly will not apologize for it. You look like the human embodiment of an amber alert. You make Nosferatu look like a GQ cover model. Your physique would have me convinced that you were HIV positive, were your nose and teeth not jacked up enough to assure me that nobody would ever get close enough to you to transmit it.

Oh, wait; you went on that whole rant about my mother, right? I guess this is that awkward moment where I point out she's been dead for a decade... I'm sure the bake session was LIT though, broseph.

Do you know what's infuriating about you, and the dozen carbon copies of you trolling around the modern day XWF? You KNOW you're not worth the sweat you're trying so hard to lick off my nutsack. You KNOW your record is pathetic, your 4 (and 4 only, I assure you) Federweight titles are meaningless, and Ghost Tank wasn't worth the paper his contract was printed on. You know all of this, and yet you're happy to lie to the fans and yourself and pretend you're anything more than a curtain jerking dim wit that needs to announce himself anytime he moves to a new neighbourhood. It makes you downright gleeful to waste my time. Fuck you.

Respond. Tell me all about the nice guacamole you've put out, and how badly you want my workout plan. I don't give a shit. We both know that no matter how superficial you want to play things, deep down you know I'm right. You want to know what the old XWF was like? You couldn't handle it, but I'll be more than happy to show you. Kick out.

I'm not fucking trolling you, I'm trying to win the XWF Federweight Championship for fifth time stupid!!! I have a legacy to uphold around here and besides a few of the crickity pricks around here, there aren't too many people that know your's. So, if you think there's something you're holding over someone's head or anything, go ahead, I have an umbrella, yo. Fuck your shit. Fuck your momma's shit, God rest her soul, and whoever it was I was talking to then the other night then. You have a close aunt or something?

Anyway, I'm sorry for just following suit with the rest of the XWF roster about your generic-bullying, trash, trash talk. I must not be the only person that looks at it that way. Maybe you just don't recognize the pattern there, dude. Which is cool, maybe that's how things worked back in the day, but I don't think it's going to fly here. I mean, you remind me of that ass eating hobbit that ran around the broom closets about a year ago. I'll admit, the fucker scared the LIVING CHRIST out of me, but not in the ring, he was a white fraud wanna-be. And I had to say white because anytime I didn't specify he got really, really pissed. Just be glad you missed all of that. Maybe THIS IS what it was like back in day.... Eck.. thanks for the preview, but no-thanks.

Now, before you say anything, I know you just won that big High Stakes thing. Yeah, and whether you believe it or not and whether you think I pay attention to detail, I've been around a while. I've seen plenty of one night stands. I can't wait to see your little, toned, fit piece of ass mashed in the center of the ring like a pile of cow dung that you are.

And as much as it hurt my feelings, I'm a little less worried about how I look going into this and more so about which hand I'm slapping the taste out of your mouth with. I tried being nice, bruh. We could've been work out buddies, we could've seen a few skin flicks, who know? It doesn't seem like you're too interested though. Instead, Calypso's here to show you something that doesn't look familiar to ya. And that's the bottom of a boot.


Calpyso electric slides over to James Raven, hops on the back of his shoulders, does a quick Y-M-C-A thing, and rolls the champ up into a victory roll.

wow you both fucking suck at this

G-rated XWF megastar.

Maybe so, but at least I've been around the bend a few times and now how this shit works. The guy talked about "giving me a chance" early yesterday morning by holding off on some additional "verbal violence" which probably meant making fun of my clothes, or my hair line, or my lack of participation in the past couple of years. What does it matter where I've been or what I've done when I'm standing on my head while pummeling your ass right now? Listen blondie. If I ain't told you once, I'll tell you again, this ain't Kansas no more. You've got your claim to fame, you've got your pay check, and now you're just sitting back milking it out. Who's the one pissing in the wind now?

I thought legends were like diamonds? Forever? Seems to me this one night standing, fake-ass honey-bee is going to let us down by tucking HIS tail the second a colored fellow steps forward and gives him a little shit. Apparently the talent of old can't handle a little diversity in the locker room. You racist piece of crap. There's a perfect example of the shit that just INFURIATES you and you got nothing to say about it. Gahd. And I thought you were something special.

That's a lie. Loverboy brought you in to save the world and you fucked it up. Nothing special there. Story must be over. I can't wait until you fuck up your winnings from High Stakes and knocked back to Average James like I've seen you as since you walked in here. Talk about going out without a whimper here. Damn, ya wussy. Where's the beef? Where's the magic? Where's the heat? Tell us all again how great you are while Calypso takes that gold from around your waist like candy from a baby. Like a baby. Baby.

Calypso grabs a John Blaq mask on a stick and puts it in front of his face.

Oooooh gahhh booogahhh booogahhhh!!!!

Raven falls back on his ass allowing Calypso to make a quick cover!

There's one last thing you'll remember about all of this before it's all over, Raven. One last thing after your return turns to mush and your Universal Title dreams are flushed down the toilet like your daddy should've done before he planted you into your mum's uti.

He waves his hands mystically in front of his face while pinning the champ...

And that's..........

He hums..........


mmmmmmmm..... Calypso....!!!

Oh God, Calypso... please tell me you didn't invite Blaq to this little shindig of yours? Or did King Troll just hear his name and decide to try and claim whatever relevancy he could? Fuck off, Blaq. Go back to beating up Brian Harris with the other two glue sniffers you prance around with. I told you I'd be more than happy to give you a match if you feel we have unfinished business. Unless you want to reach into your tights and find whatever chocolate covered raisins are floating around in there, stay the hell out of my business.

As for you, Calypso! Finally! Finally you bring some real passion to this entire thing! It's ironic, the moment you stopped offering me mimosas and a tandem bike ride is coincidentally the exact moment that you stopped repulsing me! What happened, did you finally realize you were knee deep in a fight, or did you just run out of mimosas?

I'm not trying to hold my accomplishments over your head, I haven't really brought my past up, maybe you've just got a short mans syndrome? I'm glad you know about me winning High Stakes, but I wouldn't use that to try and prove you're somehow observant or woven into the fabric of the XWF. You don't have your fingers on the pulse, you just don't have them jammed up your ass with your head in the sand either.

I'm glad you're spending so much energy rooting for my downfall, and waiting to see me bloody and broken in the centre of the ring, like I was Gilmours hymen. It's not going to happen though, so please quit holding your breath before you turn a queerer purple than the title cards in your promos. This isn't a one night stand, or an overhyped return from an under qualified superstar... this is the return of an icon, the man that's spent half a decade in exile without losing a step or a single fucking fan.

I'm not interested in catching a skin flick or a workout with you, Calypso, I'm interested in ripping the skin from everyone stupid enough to test me and taking my rightful place atop the company. You can have the Federweight belt for a fifth time if it's that important to you, I'll be taking the Universal belt off Caedus soon anyway. You can't have this 'W' though. The only way I'll see the bottom of your boot is when you're laying flat on your back in a pool of your own piss and shit, and I sneak a peek.

Damn, Wal Mart brands? I thought you were better than that... kick out.

OOC: I hate this 6 hour rule. Fuck ya'll.

Wow, you're still here Raven? It seems like we were in the same predicament almost.

Let's get one thing straight before we go on here though....

I did NOT invite John Blaq to this shindig. First, all he wants to do is talk politics and that turns any party into a debate instantly and we ain't havin' dat. Not in my house. People get mad, they throw cabbage and tomatoes, and there aren't enough mojito's in the world to go around.

So no. Don't you dare blame this invasion on me. You know thing thing about John Blaq? He's like a bumble bee to the daisy. A mosquito drawn to your succulent, HIV positive pumping arteries. In Layman's terms, he's drawn to homos.

Now I'm not going to go and start defending MYself in regards to that... AGAIN. I've done it a thousand times already. No matter how many kids' soccer games I've been to or just because I like hosting tacky purse parties (I've designed a few myself) and some of my gym gear could be a little sketchy, doesn't mean I don't enjoy the company of a pretty lady.

It also doesn't mean I don't enjoy the company of a fine gentleman either. You don't wanna hang out? That's fine.

I don't think much of you anyway, pretty boy. Guy offers the new guy a hand in friendship and spits all over it... THAT'S why I feel you lingering so high above me. You came in here as an "icon" and think you're so, so much better than everyone. Like I said, homie, one night you jumped past everyone in the roster and you think you can just pick up right where you left off. I AM anticipating your downfall, cause while Calypso may not be able to do it, I know there's guys in this new brood of talent that can. And there's nothing Calypso loves more than seeing something that presents itself as greatness fall into nothing but dust.

You're going to feel the same sense of abandonment as I do though after your stupid dreams are shattered into a thousand pieces just like your face after Jim Caedus gets his hands on it. So respond. Tell us about how I'm not worth your time and how my khakis (Calypso don't wear "khakis" or walmart boots... try Marc Jacobs... mo fo... christ...) and how my chipped teeth make me less of an ass beater than you. I'm here bitch. If you wanna hand over that title go ahead. Just in case though, I'll be here all night.


Don't do it Calypso!!! Don't do it!!!

Calypso slips a mickey into Raven's bottled water. After the effects kick in, Calypso sneaks up again and lies on to of him for the pin while Raven takes his nap!!!!!!!! It's over!!! It's over!!!

OF COURSE you're here all night, Calypso! Where the fuck else would you be? It's not like you're on the road with the rest of us, Mr. "I-Beat-Ghost-Tank-Three-Years-Ago", or in the gym doing anything more intense than the thigh master workout Jamaican Jimmy downloaded for the two of you. By the way, thigh master workouts don't usually involve someone penetrating you... I think he just told you that.

Oh shit! Raven can call someone a and talk about himself in the third person! He's now perfectly adapted to the modern day style! But can he master the delivery of a Federweight Icon like Calypso?

YES! HE! FUCKING! CAN!

Seriously, what the fuck is with you people and the slurs? Is this the last bastion of freedom to express your homophobia-fueled rage? Are you trying to rely on shock value to distract from the fact that you can barely form a coherent sentence? Has it just become the generic insult for someone that you're trying to pick a fight with but don't actually know anything about? I like that you finally brought some aggression, Calypso, now try and bring some relevant points next time.

You're repetitive. You ramble. You talk endlessly about things that make very little sense, and have absolutely nothing to do with me as if that somehow wins this battle for you in the court of public opinion. You contradict yourself constantly, you misquote me and put words in my mouth. I didn't say your teeth are chipped, I said you have a gap so big that Michael Strahan is suing you for gimmick infringement. Emma Stone thinks your eyes are too "buggy", her words not mine. Your hairline makes Lebron James look youthful. You look like the guy that would offer to blow me in a bus station bathroom for a fiver, then do it for free when I say that I don't have any cash. You got your ass beat by Jim Caedus and have an over-inflated sense of his abilities because of that, and what I do to him will be more impressive than what I do to you. You have a shitty sense of style, and shitty taste in snacks and party music. Your ring gear makes a Richard Simmons look like a Hells Angel, and you're just the latest in what will be a long list of my title defenses.

See Calypso? THESE are all relevant points. Get out a pad and pencil, and don't come back here mumbling about broom closets and shit that happened while I was retired and plowing the women you sadly jerk it too when nobody shows up to one of your lame parties. I'll be right here all night too, unless someone comes by and crowns me first. Kickout.

I'll give your regards to Caedus. You're right, someone here will beat me eventually... but it's sure as fuck not going to be one of you two.

Yeah you would hope someone would "CROWN" you while I take a nap or something.

Loser say what?

What?

.........

Nevermind.


Just so you know, James, this new breed only sleeps for about 3 hours a night at max anymore so I hope, I hope, I HOPE you don't have the life and you're able to sit here all night and compare me with more celebrities. I would hammer the SHIT out of Emma Stone, by the way. I'm glad we're still on the subject of my good looks, too, and the fact you haven't seen me on the road for a while.

Which road are you traveling on anyway? The road that you haven't been on for ten years? I don't see you jumping on the card on anymore shows coming up. When's the next time we're going to see you? Another Pay-Per-View? Need a break or what, tough guy? Three times in one night too much? That's what SHE said. I admit I haven't been humping my record very hard, but there's a method to my madness, homie. Again, I have an umbrella dude. Might as well take that shit down.

I'm glad you took the time to do some research on Calypso though. I doubt the XWF even has RECORD of you anymore. The only thing I can see is what you throw out for yourself. I don't even see you on the updated XWF Top 50. What fed were you an ICON in again?

Anyway. Jamaica Jay and I haven't caught up in quite a few moons now that I think about it. He's moy boyyyeeeeeeeeee!! As for JC, Jim Caedus, not Baby J, of course.... Yeah. We've had our run around with the Federweight Title, and that's why I'm telling you bro. I've had a taste of both of you and you should just.... just step away dude. There's a thousand other guys around here that don't stand a chance against you, but did you notice the ONE guy that wasn't in that battle royal? L O L. Besides Calypso, of course....

I can understand your frustration about YOU putting in so much work and some dude coming straight out of the word work and blind siding you with a bunch of nonsense. That wasn't a bunch of pish posh, fucker, I was seriously trying to get in you. I wanna---- Not in you... but.

I was trying to get to know the REAL James Raven. The guy behind the Loverboy. The guy that was pretty much handed the same opportunity as those Kings a couple of nights ago. Win a battle royal and pin an old man. Gee whiz. Should I start bowing down now? You're a fraud, James Raven. That's a strong word. I'm sure you could stand by and take every slap to the face like the champ you were back in the day. You should've stayed on the couch bruh. #pin #hasbeen #mommaiamcominghome

And, by the way, I mentioned the chipped tooth because it IS chipped. It's not a gap you asshole. Calypso takes care of his teeth, unlike the fine $500 crackheaded, coke whorin', wallet stealin' fine fine fine... mmhm, pieces of tight ass you've been bragging about banging for the past ten years. No wonder your mother died so young.

Dance puppet.

Caylpso prepares an Appletini for James Raven whether he likes it or not and smashes it over his head. He pins Raven on the floor!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I want them to crown me because this is already over dipshit.

Calypso, I'm not even going to take the time to get through all of that. I'm tired. I'm just going to say that it looks long, like... really long. Like, if someone were to look at the rule on the length of these things and disqualify people for breaking it, you'd probably be in trouble. You'd think a Federweight icon like you might be on top of stuff like that.

Kick out. I'm bored with you. They can give you the belt, or acknowledge that you fucked up. I don't give a shit. Goodnight .

Yep that was over 500 words

lol

You know I'm actually kinda glad it came down to you being so frustrated that you counted every single word I said. Not like anyone has ever done that before. Go to bed sleep prince. Sleep and dream the fantasies of strawberry hills and winning and retaining titles. I'll make sure someone checks your diaper in the morning. Pin.

Calypso gets physical and pins Micheal Graves!!! I mean, James Raven!!!!!!!!!

Vincent flips a coin.


Meh.

Winner and NEW Federweight Champion - Thad Duke's REAL Uncle - Calypso!