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Unknown Soldier · (08-30-2016)

A sight to be seen and a heartwarming one it is, every single time you take a look at those golden arches. Everyone can remember, even being a child, glancing up from the back of your car seat and looking up to see those two glimmering yellow arches smiling back at you. The food was shit, of course, but it was that fucking toy deep in the bottom of that Happy Meal that was the entire highlight of your week. The Transformers toys were definitively the most bad ass, but they were all pretty good. Except for those stupid fucking Beanie babies. Every time you can remember opening a Happy Meal and finding one of those stupid fucking stuffed animals at the bottom it made you feel like an actual

. For getting all excited just to discover a toy that only little girls and people like Ghost Tank would find fun.

Pretty sure that was the reason they decided to start asking whether your child was a girl or boy when they ordered their Happy Meals. Because little boys either stopped eating there, or parents started to complain about their small boys dressing up in high heels and having 'tea parties' But this narrator digresses as he brings us back into the story as the cameras directing the feed for this promo come up over a mountain, revealing the largest set of golden arches this world has probably ever seen. 666 stories high and stretching outwardly miles across the land for as far as the eye can see. These arches are so large and significant in fact, that they cover up even the signs that alert travelers as to which city they are in. That is until eventually, we start swinging our view around the side of one of these massive arches, and then we are able to vaguely make out a little green sign that tells us the location of this city where this enormous fast food restaurant is now erected.

Royal Oak, Michigan...

Home to the one and only Big Dick Manga Warfare manager Frodo Smackins himself. But that's besides the point, as now coming into focus is none other than....

The Demon Dicked Defiler himself.....

aka The Epitome of Evil....

aka The Midnight Murder Machine.....

UNKNOWN SOLDIER!

Our demonic do-badder comes from around a building out of nowhere and attacks the camera, tackling it straight to the ground. After wrestling around with it for a bit, as if he were trying to restrain a dog, he eventually subdues the floating recording device and hands it off to Greggo. His drooling dreadful companion and manager also miraculously appears from around the corner of another building. Greggo holds up the camera and begins to film the maniacal master of Madness himself; to which, Soldier responds by raising a microphone up to his lips that he must have brought preparing for this very occasion. Both freaks are not dressed in their normal every day sloppy hobo like attire, but rather both wearing a very nicely stitched dark red pair of suits with mini pentagram style cuff links. Their ties are black, but all the way across the stitching is mini golden arches similar to the giant ones landscaping over the city of Royal Oak, Michigan.

Unknown Soldier: "Welcum back to a very special edition of SATAN! TV! Where we are here reporting live to those high enough on drugs to receive this reception. One of the biggest news stories in the world of business recently has not been Donald Trump, but rather the rise of a new and growing business that just opened their first franchise. Yours mother fuckin' truly just started his own business and without the help of Shark Tank or any of those other lame reality tv show business shows. That's right everyone, my super raping sexy sinister demon self has just become an entrepreneur! Come, take a look at my new spectacle known as the new and fast growing, soon to be greatest fast food chain the world will ever see!

McBiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitches!"

Soldier turns now away from the camera and like a magician revealing the climax to his big trick unveils, by stepping out of view for the camera, a small building located directly under the center of these massive towering arches that stretch for miles. In fact, this tiny structure is just a building that is comprised of two bright red trailer homes smashed together. A giant billboard with a picture of that Irish dill-hole Michael Mcbride looking like some kind of mobster douchebag tough guy smoking like six cigarettes at once stands over the top of the building. Tattooed across his forehead in some type of red spray paint is the word 'McBitches'.

Unknown Soldier: "That's right folks! Eat at McBitches!"

Seeming pleased with himself the dastardly duo make their way up towards the restaurant and enter. Don't let the new paint on the outside of the trailers fool you, because inside the restaurant is nothing but a complete disgusting mess and a catastrophe of cats surrounding the entire interior because the entire floor is littered with Fancy Feast. At least twenty stray cats run out the door immediately when they open it. Naturally, their is a large collection of cat urine and feces and the odor is absolutely atrocious but that doesn't seem to stop these two reporters from getting the scoop on the big story! Besides the stray cats the restaurant appears abandoned, that is until the pair walk up closely to the ordering counter from where behind the food is served when suddenly, the one and only Frodo Smackins pops up from behind the counter. Soldier and Greggo don't seem shocked at all by his sudden appearance, although I'm sure those watching through the lens on his camera would have been most definitely abruptly shaken like some sort of jump scare. Especially disturbing since he's completely naked, the longest schlong since King Kong hanging all out, and wearing nothing but one of those crowns from Burger King on his head.

"What can I get you two, the usual? A couple of Double Diff burgers with extra Diff and no mustard? Or we have a house special today, my infamous 'Happy-Ending Meal' where I leave my own personal secret ingredient special surprise for everyone inside."

"Just the usual for today Frodo, and hey, I just wanted to thank you for believing in the franchise and being the first one to buy one here in your hometown of Royal Oak."

"No problem, I figured I might as well put my Diff to good use. After all, who could resist these mammoth and monstrous mouth watering meat patties. I got more Diff in this restaurant then the Diff monster in those Dillinger promos that attacked earlier this week!"

Behind the counter Frodo places the bottom half of two buns onto one of those fast food trays everyone has used when they actually eat inside one of these chain restaurants. He takes down his pants and places the tray beneath his ass and lets loose a wicked c-diff super sized shit onto the bottom buns. Splattering all over the tray and even onto the floor everywhere. Like someone just dropped a water balloon full of brown, green, and yellow disgusting looking paint. Except it's c diff shit and not paint. After raising the tray back up above the counter, he then places the tops of the buns on top of his disgusting fecal shit show and serves it to his guest. With his massive schlong, he whips it around and grabs a set of drinks that he had prepared for them when he saw them walk in the door. Like using a lasso, he grabs the drink with his dick and places them too on the tray with the burgers. Soldier takes the tray from the window and sits down in one of the booths where Greggo was already waiting for him with the camera. Greggo begins to eat his burger but Soldier seems perturbed by something. Greggo sets down his burger and proceeds to film Sodlier's deep SATAN! spirited diatribe that he could tell was forthcoming by the look on his face.

Unknown Soldier: "Suck my super SATAN! dick Mcbride! No, you know what Mcbitchizzle, why don't you suck an entire bag of dicks somewhere in Morbid Angel's collection. I'm sure he's got some kind of Santa Claus type bag full of dicks somewhere stashed away in his closet he'd be willing to lend for you, ya fucking

! When is anyone going to inform you that Boondock Saints stopped being cool sometime in the year 2004! You think that's why it maybe took them ten years to come out with a second movie? Which was fucking horrible, I might add. So when is it finally going to get through your thick skull to finally realize that you're nothing but a lame played out old cliche.

A bar fight? Again with this seriously? How many fucking times do I have to watch Ghost Tank, Scully, McBitch, MacBitch, and everyone get in some altercation at the bar. Also, they are never some cool Jackie Chan ultra karate fight scenes, or Keanu Reeves Matrix type shit, but rather some type of lame guys defending women like they were the Fonzie in an episode of Happy Days. With Barney fuckin' Green of all people. I know for a fact that was a staged promo, because how in the fuck could Barney Green run from the police. I mean, seriously I watched him walk only a block one time cutting a promo on someone and then he was grasping for air under a tree. I almost thought I was going to have to call for an ambulance he was wheezing so bad.

I also find it awfully idiotic that all these tough Irish thugs have to hold their big secret meetings in some kind of Pub. Yeah, let's get really fucking drunk and then come up with some masterful scheme to overthrow the government. That sounds like a wonderful idea! I'm guessing that's the reason why the IRA could never plan anything right and never were succesfull. In fact, they had to just resort to Terrorist attacks to try and get their way. A bunch of drunked up buffoons getting too messed up on booze to spend their time actually organizing and coming up with a real plan. No different then today's Terrorist who is drunk with Allah! Donald Trump said that the founder of ISIS was Barak Obama and Hillary Clinton. Well, I'd be willing to take it a step further and say that Michal McBride, known member of the IRA, is the founder of fucking terrorism itself!

He told us all in his latest promo that a building once fell on top of him. Was that building the World Trade Center? I'd be willing to bet it was, because it's Mcbride, a no good IRA terrorist piece of shit! While Peter is off in Cuba slaughtering Latin Americans everywhere and calling them terrorists with Donald Trump, he should realize that his own tag team partner is the godfather of the founding principles that created terrorism! But flip flopping on their stances on the issues is something that both Peter Gilmour and Donald Trump are both known to do, which is no wonder they are such great friends. One day we're banning all muslims or being a demonic couple, then the next we're vetting them in easily or being a good christian boy.

Now, why does all this matter? Because right now McBitch, Peter is such a flip flopper that I could ask him to be my partner in the tag tournament and he would ditch your dirty ass in a heart beat. But I'm not interested, I think I'd rather win the whole thing with D'ville instead and let you two dick lickin'

fight among yourselves when you have to decide which one of you two sucks the most or when Peter realizes your the great grandfather of terrorism. Because just like always with you and Peter, teamed together or not, you'll lose and mostly in Peter's case he'll have to find someone else to blame it on other than himself. You two will be enemies again soon enough after you lose, which you already have constantly tagged together or not and will continue to do.

This Irish

spent more time endorsing Barney Green like he were Chris Christie at a Donald Trump rally then talking about me. Telling us all about how hardcore and great that fat disgusting slob is. Barney Green is nothing but a pathetic HUGE waste of everyone's time. I'm the most fucking Xtreme man to ever set foot in the XWF and I'm holding the very title to prove it. So don't even start with me about some fat pathetic j0bber that has won two matches in the past two years! That's almost the equivalent to crimson dong. Look at you McBitch, endorsing fat loser jobbers equivalent to that of the one and only crimson dong. For SATAN! sake Mcbride, stop being such a fucking idiot!

Hold on to your Smith and Wesson, keep your butt cheeks as close to the back of the wall as you want. It won't keep me from showing you the exact same treatment as you show your wife. I'll stroke your hair and stare deep into your eyes while I penetrate you from behind. Just like I did to Ghost Tank earlier today with my 12 inch metal dildo. I'm going to violate you in this match like you've never been violated before. Then you can become a member of the real IRA....

Internal
Rectum
Assraped!"

Soldier finishes his last sentence with a long winded breath exhale before inhaling again after his long winded rant against McBitch. He then picks up his burger and take a bite. The diff from the burger sends him into immediate shock, sending him into convulsions and a full blown seizure. Is he allergic to the actual physical form of c diff shit now, and not just immune to acquiring the disease? Greggo drops the camera and picks Soldier up off the ground and starts giving him the Heimlich maneuver as if he were choking? Probably not a great idea when someone is having a seizure. Eventually the seizure does commence and Soldier lays on the ground exhausted, but yet refreshed that it came to a quick, yet still very violent, abrupt end.

Unknown Soldier: "We've got to call Doctor D'ville. He'll know what to do, he's a fucking doctor after all. Fetch me some paper towels from the restroom so I can clean the sweat from off my balls, would ya buddy?"

Greggo trots off towards the door to the Men's restroom which doesn't lead to a room immediately, but rather a tunnel that takes him a bit further to another door. Upon opening this next door at the end of the tunnel he finds nothing but a tiny dark room with no means of light to illuminate it. Inside this tiny room is nothing but a broom and a mop bucket. Greggo steps inside and the door slams quickly behind him out of it's own accord without him closing it. Where's the toilet or the sink or even any paper towels for that matter? Is this even a bathroom at all because it appears to be more like some kind of broom closet. Greggo sits staring silently into the darkness until a faint voice whispers into his ear just over his left shoulder.

"Thank you for stepping into my office...."

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