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Unknown Soldier · (03-30-2013)

A trash can.

A dog.

A freak.

A chair.

He sits on it.

He opens the trash can.

This is the opening scene we have miraculously appearing before you in your mind. Descriptor verbs and adjectives are unnecessary since the only thing that matters in this promo is the words coming out of our main character's mouth. Listing off the various scene parameters in short phrases in order to get my point short, direct, and hit STRONG! Just like Mark Flynn.

It's the key to being the ultimate in trash talk after all?

Isn't that right Mark?

Clever wit and an unbearable amount of knowledge about your opponent to leverage your words over theirs?

Delivering punch lines and witty rhetoric, that's how one succeeds in the trash talk business

Kin of like a comedian...

Ain't that right Mark?

You see, here in the XWF everyone whispers in the distance the keys to success and one of them being...

"Don't feed the Flynn."

To which Soldier replies

"But, I'm hungry!"

One simple fact the XWF should come to realize.

Here I am to state it to the whole world.

Mark Flynn ain't that good.

Hell, I'll even admit that I've heard a few good pun here or there from Flynn. I also expect him to combat me with a sleu of his own immediately after this promo airs? Sure, I'm sure he'll have a few 'sick bastard' or 'imaginary world' jokes to throw at me. I'm ready for it, been taking those jokes up the ass since I've been born and especially from 'trash talkers' like Flynn. It's really not something I'm going to try and avoid from him. I won't cower away in a fairy tale like Sebastian Duke has. I'll confront the bastard unlike the rest of you timid idiots that have decided to pull the covers over your head when you get booked against Mark Flynn.

I'm not afraid.

I'm the lord of hell and darkness.

Why should I fear Mark 'King of Low Card Rookies on Warfare' Flynn?

I'm the best trash talker in the XWF and I'm going to prove it to everyone and Mark Flynn, right now!"

Unknown Soldier reaches into the trash can and pulls out a heaping pile of garbage that he cups in his hand. The demonic do-badder shovels piles of raw food, plastic waste, and crumpled newspapers in his mouth. Throughout his entire speech he's constantly repeating this act. Shoveling trash and talking with bits and pieces of garbage flailing out his mouth.

THE ULTIMATE TRASH TALKER!

A banana peel drips off the bottom of his chin and a piece of a chicken wing drips from the side of his cheek before he speaks.

Unknown Soldier: "Well, I saw John Madison cut another promo just now. (chomp chomp)I tried forcing myself to watch those already and needless to say, from what I've seen I already know that wasting my time with that idiot is despicable. I can probably sum up the entire promo in three sentences.

Some type of gun analogy.

War Games victory.

Doesn't want to play with me anymore because I hurt his feelings?"

Unknown Soldier: "I understand John, your asshole needs to take a few minutes to recuperate and stop the bleeding after the way I raped you in the last promo I cut."

Dante Kyllen: "I saw Madison's promo."

Unknown Soldier: "You watched it Dante? Tell me, how did that go?"

Dante Kyllen: "Oh you know, the usual, this time he even broadcast footage of War Games....."

Unknown Soldier: "So, what you mean to say is he tried to illustrate more irrelevant points to me by going as far as airing them in front of me in picture and video form? He really gets a boner when we pull out the War Games tapes, huh? Was he also masturbating to the footage? (chomp chomp) I thought I'd get at least SOMETHING from John Madison... No replies to the numerous statements I made against him and his lackluster attempts to 'pick me apart' just mention the go-to huh.... War Games... Typical, typical John Madison. The least repetitive and interesting person I know."

More trash goes into his mouth. He bites down hard on an aluminum can that opens up a split in his lip which causes him to bleed.

Unknown Soldier: "Excellent, everything tastes better with a little ketchup."

More bits of trash and garbage float from his lips as he readies to talk into the camera. Constant cycles of trash being consumed and flying off his lips as he continues to speak.

Unknown Soldier: "You see Mark. (chomp chomp) If you want to be known as the ultimate trash talker of all time. You've got to train HARD like that Grouch dude on Seasame Street! You've got to show the world..."

Soldier begins to choke and then raises his hand in the air and lets it dangle above his mouth and face. Shoving his arm down his throat down to his elbow, he is able to recover from his throat an apple core which he tosses to the ground. The dog; remember we mentioned him in the opening, rushes over and attempts to collect any last morsel of fruit left on the stem. Soldier picks up the mutt who is covered in fleas, oil, and feces. He sets the dog in his lap before continuing his rant.

Unknown Soldier: "John Madison can even admit that the 'lapdog' reference has been overplayed more than the 'your boring' attacks that he claims to hear and drive him insane. (chomp chomp) I started to see how everyone was using the term widely like it was some kind of internet meme so I've decided that I didn't want to feel left out, so I went out and found my own dog to sit in my lap."

Dante Kyllen: "Don't you think your taking that phrase a bit too literally?"

Unknown Soldier: "Dante, have you been listening to me talk at all? How many times have I been known to take something too literal?"

He spits out a blood soaked tampon before continuing.

Unknown Soldier: "I ate tampons and bloody vaginas WAY before John Black. I'm not surprised the trend is catching on. Personally, one of my favorite drinks is a menstruating woman's leak fluids. It has a distinct taste of rotten eggs. Get it?"

This time Soldier shovels an immense amount of trash into his estuary.

Unknown Soldier: "Now, while I prove to the world I'm the best at talking while I eat trash I'm going to dismantle the bloat that is known as Mark Flynn. (chomp chomp) Why any of you would think that talking while you eat trash is such a great thing, who knows? I do know that I'm WAY better at eating trash than Mark Flynn. I never saw that guy do it once?"

Unknown Soldier: "Anywho, let's get back to the topic on hand. Why would anyone assume that Mark Flynn is anything but a schmuck who can put out promo after promo about degrading a human being. Go ahead Mark, degrade me. Remember how that worked out for you when you faced Cyren? (chomp chomp)"

Unknown Soldier: "Mark Flynn is the new United States Champion. The man who fought through a brutal tournament to get there by conquering many foes. One hell of an accomplishment if you ask me? (chomp chomp) That is, until you consider the phrase 'What have you done for me lately?' What is it that Mark Flynn has done lately? Oh nothing, except maybe beat Crimson Crap-a-stable and NightDisguise more times than a red headed step child. Then who do we give him for his massive big PPV match?

Sebastian Duke?

Please, I cut that bastard open in our first blood match faster than a Cassius Stonne promo."

Unknown Soldier: "Because THAT'S what champions around here do, right Flynn? Defend their titles against the Stonne brothers. I seem to remember another champion who did that all the time? Who was it again?"

Unknown Soldier: "So anyways, Mark Flynn rambles on and on about how monotonous and annoying it is to beat pitiful rookies day after day after day. (chomp chomp) He wants a chance at some competition so I put him on the Blood Lust and pray to SATAN! that we meet in the Gauntlet."

What does he do to thank me?

What happens when he starts shooting off his mighty 'mouth of gold?'

Unknown Soldier: "He targets newbie and debut making star CM PUNK in his promo! Sure, I bet he got a lot of real good 'zingers on that guy. Mark Flynn is the resident 'bully' of the XWF taking all the rookies lunch money. I seem to remember another man who was a champion that picked on the new and the weak. Wasn't he your biggest rival too? Now you've become him. Are you happy Mark Flynn? Are you? It's good to know that you can target the weak because it's the only way to give him enough leverage to unleash his 'mighty words of power!'

See anything he's said about Sebastian Duke recently for a reference.

He attempts a shot at Mister Mystery and what happens?

He falls flat!

Mark Flynn always falls flat when he runs up to anything that can contest him on any sort of magnitude. That's why he's going to get shut down at the Gauntlet after I make him meal #2 after I feed off John Madison. I'm thinking a little Flynn to wash down the Madison sounds like an excellent dinner for two on me and Mister Mystery's date on Sunday Night. (chomp chomp) Unfortunately, he made me bring along our third wheel Peter Gilmour to the party. Oh, bring that up in your next promo. Bash on Gilmour some more like you always do and the fact I'm teaming with him. I'm actually being serious, you should do that. It's really funny!"

The Soldier shuffles more trash in the garbage before he shovels it in his mouth. Bit and pieces of it dripping from his chin as he chews and talks.

Unknown Soldier: "So, now that I've shown that I'm a much better trash talker than Flynn it's time to show why I'm better than him in everything else he 'claims' to be so great at doing. What's the biggest thing he's ever done? The biggest trick he's ever pulled? (chomp chomp) Right, right, right... Mark Flynn is Robert Miles! Wow, we were all just fucking shocked and thrown over our seats with that little surprise, weren't we all? Yes Mark, it was good. Well, it was pretty good.

But....

I tell you what it's not as good as....

MY big reveal.

Yes, I think it's time to let the world know the truth.

The REAL person working behind the man known as Unknown Soldier, and let me tell you folks. This one's even going to get Mark Flynn to scratch his head and drop his jaw.

Because it's the only way to describe this reveal.

Jaw Dropping.

Simply.

Jaw Dropping.

Unknown Soldier reaches behind his head and a loud drum roll begins.

.....

....

Slowly....

Slowly pulling off what appears to be a mask...

Could it be?

No!!!

It can't be him.

Not him!

ANYONE BUT HIM!!!

That's right, Mark.

Your worst nightmare has come back to haunt you as Soldier pulls back the mask to reveal his true self.

FUTURE LEGEND JORDI!

FUTURE LEGEND: "I am the single greatest wrestler in the WWE12 online universe!

You can't fuck with me Flynn!

You can't handle the great Future Legend Jordi and you even admitted it when you voted for me to win the whole Gauntlet.

You were right Flynn, I am coming back and I'm going to win the whole thing just like you said by tearing through you in the Gauntlet!

That's way bigger of a reveal than being Robert Miles if you ask me.

But now, I have but one question left to ask you Mark?

Will you quit XWF and join my killer, sweet, and epic new wrestling federation known as WWE12 online?

Will you???

See, I'm even better at breaking the fourth wall than Flynn, like he so claims to be the first and best at...

Unknown Soldier: 3

Mark Flynn: 3 0

Future Legend Jordi: "My 'Future Legend' persona is my universal gimmick, i do not care which or what leauge i'm in, if i can use my own name, my own gimmick will be 'the future legend'. i was inspired from Alissa Flash for a bit (Hence the nickname) and a bit of my own style here and there(I have a strong dislike for demon personas and such).

Nobody!

Nobody would have ever expected me to be Unknown Soldier!"

I got you Flynn!

I got you all!

and now I'm back to win the Gauntlet and staple my legacy here in the XWF!

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