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Unknown Soldier · (03-27-2013)

I AM THE MESSIAH OF MURDERING MEATHEADS

---You may have all the muscle in the world, but I'll just stab you 666 times and eat your end trails. I win!---

When we last left our sadistic companions, Unknown Soldier and Greggo, they were fleeing quickly from an estranged home that they had ransacked after news from Donathan alerted Soldier that SATAN! was in trouble. This naturally caused for Soldier to freak out and lose his mind, chasing after something that quite possibly wasn't even there and he really didn't even know where to look. Donathan had either failed to alert them of the location or they were too preoccupied with the notion that it must have slipped their minds. The notion, you ask? Oh, that's something in an Unknown Soldier promo that we like to call 'crystal methamphetamine' or shorthand known as 'Goat Meth.' The blood of goats infused with methamphetamine, just like on that television show Breaking Bad, turned the meth red instead of blue like in the television series.

This combination when composed causes a mass reaction inside the bodies of Unknown Soldier and Greggo that allows them to both be insane and sane at the same time. Kind of like when you stuff yourself from eating too much, but than smoke pot and suddenly you're hungry again. So you are not hungry, but you 'feel' like you really are. The formula to create this interesting and potent drug was presented to them by Donathan De Sade, but then had to be perfected by Griffin MacAlister due to the fact that Dante Kyllen and Greggo are illiterate for the most part. Dante can spell SATAN! and Greggo can spell $EX, but that's about as far is it goes. Greggo spells sex with a $ instead of an S because his momma taught him at a very young age that sex equals money. Which would make his mother either a prostitute or someone else that has sex for money. Ok, so there's really no getting around it or 'beating around the bush' so to say. Greggo's mother was, in fact, a prostitue. Greggo, for years would be told this fact, but would often times argue by proclaiming to them "You stupid bastards! She's a lady of the night! She told me so!"

Meanwhile, back on the much more important subject of methamphetamine:

After the special 'batch' was created it has been nothing but a free for all of continuous drug abuse, more brought on by the recent release of Unknown Soldier from the offices of Dr. Marvin Motz. More on the story of that demonic doctor later, but for now we introduce to you a response to the world of 'Meat Head' Mania that has walked through the doors recently in the XWF. That's right, too much emphasis on muscle and not on any actual skill has caused certain entities the ability to pump up their own ego higher than what they are really worth. It's like having Ego-Mania running wild in the XWF again, but this time the superstars behind the egos have nothing to brag about. That's why myself, Mister Mystery, and Peter Gilmour have come to end what is your pathetic lives.

You will all learn if I have to pound it into you one by one.

There is only one thing you rookie, newbie, meat head, straight edge, dumb mother fuckers will be on your knees praying as soon as I'm done with you...

Get down on your knees...

Kiss the lip of my boot...

Suck on my fat toe...

Do whatever you think is necessary to help save your life, but no matter what you choose there's one thing I know you'll all be saying after Gauntlet City is over....

Two words I know will ring in the back of your ears as you scream them from the dark bellows of your soul for forgiveness. Once my monster is unleashed upon the Gauntlet there is no stopping him John Madison... Once the lord of darkness unleashes the fury that is Unknown Soldier upon your wretched soul Mark Flynn you will come to terms....

and you will get down on your knees and say it....

HAIL SATAN!

and...

Smoke Meth!

and....

Fuck you!

----

Our scene opens to the set of Jersey Shore. That's right, Jersey Shore with this 'Meat Head' standing in front of the camera.

The Situation: "Hi, my name is Mike, and you all know me from my hit television show on MTV. I'm here to let you folks know how I like to relax after a long day of working out, tanning, and just being a complete tool in general. After dealing with these EXTREME tasks, it takes a tasty vodka to go down smooth at night so I can get absolutely wasted and borderline rape a chic. This vodka has even been approved by long time XWF veteran Unknown Soldier, or otherwise known as the Vodka Master! Let's get a look down at the gym with our camera crew and see just how well this vodka can help you become a super huge bad ass like me. MEGA, SUPER HUGE, TOUGH BAD ASS, BRO!"

[Image: 0823-situation-vodka-exd-credit.jpg]

Special Mike 'The Situation' brand vodka known as Devotion.

We catch up to the two maniacs in the least expected place in the world we would find the duo. Some fancy and new looking gym of some sorts. For some reason, we have chosen to cut this promo in a very basic and boring style, like many other XWF talents who repeat the same nonsense about 'gyms' and 'training' and what not over and over again. Originality has faded in this promo, although, it does look like the training may actually be paying off for Unknown Soldier as he appears to be curling a rack of weights in each hand. That's right, an entire rack of weights, not just the biggest ones on the end. Picture him curling an entire rack, just try and envision that happening, it doesn't make physical sense does it? KnightMask is probably scatter brained and shitting his pants even thinking about it. How can a man of a mere 155 anemic pounds of skinny nothingness manage such a feat? Welcome to an Unknown Soldier promo newbies, I'll be your trusty narrator SATAN! to help continue guiding you along the way.

He puts down the rack of weights by holding them high up in the air and then dropping them down to the ground like a super huge bad ass weightlifter would do. The rack and dumbbells scatter all over the place as scared onlookers hide in the far distance. The two had actually entered the YWCA women's gym, and so naturally this crowd wasn't used to this type of enormous weight lifting routine while they were trying to tighten their 'buns' on their treadmills. After Soldier throws back some vodka that he was carrying around in a gallon size milk carton around the gym, Mike 'The Situation's' vodka to be precise. After drinking every so often he would dump it over his head for relief from the 'burn' he was receiving during his intense, mega bad ass work out. He was wearing an astounding seventeen weight belts around his skinny body in order to get the most intense and sever work out as possible. I'm also sure this is hard to picture as well, but naturally, Soldier is able to do all this with the powers of SATAN! Who needs muscles when you got SATAN! anyways, right? While idiots train for years, Unknown Soldier calls forth the powers of the desolate one and with Mike "The Situation's" vodka, he is able to match this same feat immediately.

Greggo was jacking off while watching this entire weight lifting scheme of Soldier's unfolding. I apologize for not mentioning it sooner and now you have to realize that this entire time you've been stuck watching a dude whack off in front of you. Greggo's indecent exposure is a main contributing factor attributed to the frightening of the women in the room. He does; however, listen as Soldier wastes no time after dropping the weights and screams out to Greggo.

Unknown Soldier: "Spot me, Bro! Bench Press! NOW!"

Greggo pulls up his pants and runs over towards the bench press workout device as Soldier readies himself to lift...

800 tons!!!!

Yes, you heard right. Unknown Soldier easily bench presses 800 tons while Greggo is actually little help spotting him. His pants are already back around his ankles and his dick is back in his hands. The only difference now is that he's staring directly into Soldier's eyes while he hardly breaks a sweat bench pressing that much weight. Greggo whacks and glares as Soldier encourages the stares with a glare of his own with no blink directed at his companion. Greggo licks his lips and eyes down Soldier's body while he ferociously lifts weights. Soldier licks his lips in return before bringing himself to a stop. When he feels satisfied with his rep count, he accidentally hangs the weight rack back up on Greggo's penis instead of the actual bench. That's not the metal rod that holds up the weights, it's the foreskin rod of the sick pervert known as Greggo. Soldier drops the weights, and without shocking revelation, his boner is unable to hold up the massive 800 ton bar that gravity sends slamming against the ground.

His shaft nearly breaks in half, but then oddly enough pulls itself back up and then proceeds to continue to whack it as if nothing happened. Apparently his manhood has been through plenty of beatings before and so he'll just shrug this one off just as easy. At a young age his momma taught him all about training his wee wee to endure any and all punishments and tasks. When he asked why she slammed the car door shut on it so many times, she just told him he'd thank her one day and slammed it again harder, then proceeded to drive him to school.

Unknown Soldier is just pacing around the gym chugging vodka and screaming obscenities at middle aged women who are walking by. Why the police haven't shown up yet? Only SATAN! knows, but they continue their ruthless and unrelenting work out. As the gym was finally begging to empty of the frightened women who have now managed to escape. From out in the shadows of the distance, a man approaches Soldier who was doing some sort of ab workout that somehow included Greggo sitting on his face in the process. Not wearing pants still I should also point out was Greggo. Soldier stands up to perhaps attack the man, but changes his mind after this dark hooded person backs away a bit more cautiously and states.

Man: "I mean you no harm. I'm here to help!"

Soldier steps back and starts stretching very violently in all sorts of directions. He gets down on the ground and Greggo helps him stretch by pushing his legs up over his head with his back on the ground. It would appear that Greggo has Soldier in the missionary position as the man stares on awkwardly, due in part because Greggo still has a raging woody. He musters enough ability to cope with the situation and not vomit and is able to ask Soldier...

Steroid Dealder: "I got the stuff man, the good stuff. You wanna be the best of the best?"

Unknown Soldier: "Give it to me!"

Steroid Dealer: "Ok, but try and be careful with this stuff, it's potent and VERY illegal."

The man pulls from his leather coat pocket a vial of what appears to be a familiar dark red substance that appears quite often in an Unknown Soldier promo, only this time it has sparked a particular interest within the satanic freak. He knew it wasn't just any blood, he could smell it. Unknown Soldier has the smelling sense of blood like a Great White Shark and he knows exactly what the prey is.

The vial was filled with Goat's blood, an illegal performance enhancing substance when a Satanic Demi-demon such as Soldier injects this dark red substance into his veins. Would he dare allow himself to resort to cheating in order to 'gain an advantage' on the rest of the crowd. Unknown Soldier, resorting to using performance enhancing drugs to win? Absolutely, he's Satan's minion so of course he'll lie, cheat, and steal to get whatever advantage he can, especially if it means ruining his already low existing reputation. Soldier snatches the vial out of his hands almost instantaneously after it leaves his coat pocket, he wastes no time as Greggo had already pulled a hypodermic needle from out of his ass and handed it to Soldier. Without bothering to rinse it off or anything he readies the contents of the vial for injection.

Man: "That'll be three hundred dollars."

Soldier pays no attention and begins slamming in full doses of goats blood one after another into his veins. Five, six, seven, still shooting and shooting and shooting. The man backs away with Greggo as the two of them watch on the sidelines as this transformation unfolds in front of them, as Soldier jumps through a sequence of body builds in a matter of seconds.

[Image: images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQBh-FYxvZYoWlC4vcBn4e...-QmM39_FjO]

He reaches maximum size as all the veins in his body begin to pulsate with massive strength and power.

Unknown Soldier: "SOLDIER SMASH!"

The now massive muscular beast stands up and NINJA KICKS! his leg through a six foot thick brick wall. The bricks shatter to pieces while Soldier's leg shows no sign of damage or pain. The kick was so fast and devastating, that Angelus himself could not fathom how to compete with it.

Unknown Soldier: "Whizzzzzaaaaa!"

He screams at the top of his lungs like something you would hear out of a Bruce Lee movie. His eyes erupt into a fiery pit of red behind his pupils, as he then proceeds to fly through the brick wall at full speed as he tears through it with ease and runs off down the street. It was like a scene from a cartoon or that 'Who framed Roger Rabbit?' movie. Greggo takes off behind him attempting to pull his pants up around his waist while chasing after.

A news flash for all douchebag rookies who might be watching out there. Don't even try to test the strengths of what Mister Mystery, Peter Gilmour, and myself bring to the ring.

We chew up rookie douchebags and spit them out like sunflower seeds.

The only difference Soldier may have than the other two, is that he may actually eat both the 'rookie' version of douchebags, along with the feminine hygienic product as well. Lick the ends in case she's had 'that time of the month' recently.

Every drop of blood tastes better than the last.

This promo is dedicated to the legendary douchebags of the past, present, and future that have walked through, currently are, or will some day be in the XWF. We here at the SATAN! camp, hope that the rest of your life is met with more pathetic, sad, and humorous attempts to be 'cool' and feed your ego. Go fuck yourself!

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