Battle thread

Anytime anyone in the match replies, you can reply again too. You don't need to wait for both opponents to reply before you can answer again.

Deadline is Friday, 12 noon PST.

So here I am once again. Thrown into the pit to fight a couple of other dronies in hopes of getting an extra big hunk of meat at the end of the week.

Fantastic.

But then again, maybe I'm just being a little bit of a downer here. Maybe this match will be a classic. One for the ages.

Or just me against Ann Thraxx; a woman who has more of a likable personality in her STDs that are infested in her jimmies than the rest of her entire body - and Titan; someone of who I have no fucking clue who they are is, but all I know is that he can't seem to take that god-awful Halloween costume off.

Oh yeah, and he's the Ark of the Covenant Champion or whatever. Remember when I held the UFO Title for a month? Yeah so do I.

Biggest waste of my fucking time.

But no, whatever, I'll give you guys the benefit of the doubt. Go ahead and impress me - let me know if I even have to try.

Ooh. Interesting. Ah, fuck it. I can't feign interest. I'm facing a boy who thinks he was born in D.Shadows' bong and some other less important dude who looks like Lord Voldemort had an allergic reaction.

*yaaaawn* Y'know what? I could beat the both of you blindfolded. But I won't, just so I can make it hurt more.

I hate to do it, but I gotta say I agree with Smokey. Who the hell is Titan and why should I care?

How come all the weird kinky stuff in the world reminds you people of me!?

Titan makes me think like he's someone who had tried to hold in a sneeze, and while he had succeeded in holding it back, it built up and he sneezed with such velocity that his head became permanently reddened and his nose shot off.

As for you, Ann well... eh, I got nothing. Partly because I daren't stress my insult muscles too hard after that absolute titan of an insult, but also - and rather importantly - because you bore me to high heaven.

I mean, come on! I think we've got enough unlikable bitches around here that take no shit from nobody. And I know what you'll say 'I was the first before these posers showed up yadda-yadda'. Well, in that case, Hypothetical Ann, that means you are rather outdated and there are already people here who do what you do and they do it better.

But I guess life isn't that peachy, isn't it? You do something, you get packaged up, and then you're pushed along the conveyor belt to be replaced and forgotten like all the cookie-cutter unlikable bitches before you. Recycling's a lost concept, and with you sticking around, I think you're just proving a point.

....................................................................

.............

.........................................

..................................

...................................................

............Huh? I zoned out after said there were enough unlikeable bitches who won't take people's shit. Hey, I'm the ORIGINAL unlikeable bitch who won't take people's shit. Not my problem that I started a trend. That's a good thing, not that you'd know.

Hell, let's talk trends here, Smoke. You can't even stick to a trend of your own. Keeping what you say consistent! Seriously, if I bore you that much, stop talking to me. But you won't, because you're just that fucking stupid!

As for holding the UFO title, your accolade is holding that four times. *yaaaawn* ... I'm legitimately yawning here. This conversation's dull. I can't even comprehend how that's an achievement. It's literally just showing you know how to take some other poor loser out at any time of the day. Hell, you could pin them while they're asleep or crushed by a truck. It's really not that fucking hard. If you're going to try and butcher Titan for holding that same title under a different name, then why don't you examine yourself. You're inconsistent, and more importantly, irrelevant.

Buzz off.

How come all the weird kinky stuff in the world reminds you people of me!?

"Smoke, how good of you to take a break from irrelevancy to so brutally butcher the English language for us. Your words are more redundant than a chastity belt on Peter Gilmour. How many piss-poor jokes about a mask can you make, Smoke? Not enough to distract from the fact that you are a worthless bottom feeder who will forever remain as interesting as a plastic grocery bag caught in an updraft.

And then there's XWF's poster-child for mediocrity, Ann Thraxx. Do you have an aversion to success, or are you actually that frighteningly inept? Your constant shrieking may serve some interest while you lay face down with your head buried in a pillow, but elsewhere they are nearly as irritating as Smoke's false sense of self-worth."

1X - GOAT.

(02-24-2014, 02:12 PM)Smoke Said: 'I was the first before these posers showed up yadda-yadda'. Well, in that case, Hypothetical Ann, that means you are rather outdated and there are already people here who do what you do and they do it better.

(02-24-2014, 02:36 PM)Ann Thraxx Said: Hey, I'm the ORIGINAL unlikeable bitch who won't take people's shit. Not my problem that I started a trend. That's a good thing, not that you'd know.

Do any of you fuckers wanna pick up the phone because I just motherfucking called it. Jesus, are you even paying attention? It appears that you gladly talk about how I am being somewhat of a conflicting hypocrite, while at the same time you do the same fucking thing and walk right into a comeback that I had fucking predicted you would say.

And I find it funnily ironic how you can say that you can easily beat us two blindfolded when you can't even pay attention to what is being said directly at you. I said that I was a decent UFO Champion, true, but I didn't parade that fact down the street. I'll leave you to work out the rest - work on your listening skills.

Oh shit, and mummy's little demon-skull-monster has finally come out to play! Did she say she was going to reward you with another gold star if you stood up for yourself? Oh wow, and you've even got a well-versed vocabulary. Do you know what I'm doing right now? I'm patronising you. Why? Because you're not worth talking to like an adult. What the fuck have you even really done here? Like, really?!

...Say all you like about me screaming into a pillow, but take my advice. I suggest you bring a rag or a pencil to bite on when the emotional pain kicks in of seeing who the fuck is really the inept one.

And you're bringing up frightening, huh? Makes me think about what must be under that mask. Even though what you're wearing looks like Rose Smith had his man period all over a sheet of pasta and you moulded it to fit you head, I still gotta thank you for wearing it. I can only imagine the projectile vomit filling the crowd. Actually, that'd be pretty cool. Still, I don't wanna see your ugly face. And you're too embarrassed by it to show it.

As for Smoke, who's got the hearing problems? That's all I have to say to you, since-- Oh, hold on. I better speak up...... SINCE YOU COULDN'T TELL THAT I HADN'T SAID YOU BRAGGED THAT ACCOLADE RIGHT NOW.... I..... ONLY...... SAID..... YOU DO...... NOT..... YOU ARE!!!

How come all the weird kinky stuff in the world reminds you people of me!?

"What have we done? We've stood toe-to-toe to the King whom you so hilariously called out. Tell us, what chance do you honestly believe you have against Theo when you struggle to form a coherent sentence? It would not be a stretch to believe that you would walk through life barefoot had Velcro never been invented. Do you get your insults from a See 'n Say, or are they written on the back of your Laffy Taffy wrappers?"

"Congratulations, Ann. We paved the way to the Gilmour well and you dipped your grubby little paws in and pulled out the shallowest of it's contents. Are you proud? You made a Rose Smith joke, congratulations. Now you're just about as memorable as Smoke's last match, which was...when? Irrelevant garbage, the both of you."

1X - GOAT.

Garbage? Can you even talk? Where the hell is that voice coming from? Fuck it, I don't know or care. I'm still thinking about that mask. I'd rip it off, but there's probably maggots under it. Heh, well, we know there's at least one under there.

You're also making me want Laffy Taffy...

How come all the weird kinky stuff in the world reminds you people of me!?

"Ripping off our mask would inevitably lead to you being forcibly bent over and made to serve your only purpose on this Earth. That said, that disgusting gash of yours is more likely to contain maggots than our mask, so perhaps we would instead put a stop to your insufferable shrieking the old fashioned way. Do not worry about the origins of our voice, just know that it's words carry more weight than yours ever could."

1X - GOAT.

(02-24-2014, 03:02 PM)Ann Thraxx Said: As for Smoke, who's got the hearing problems? That's all I have to say to you, since-- Oh, hold on. I better speak up...... SINCE YOU COULDN'T TELL THAT I HADN'T SAID YOU BRAGGED THAT ACCOLADE RIGHT NOW.... I..... ONLY...... SAID..... YOU DO...... NOT..... YOU ARE!!!

I'm just going to put that into an audible format so us Earth-dwellers can understand what the parasitic wasp is trying to tell us this time:

'Since you couldn't tell that I hadn't said you bragged that accolade right now I only said you do not you are.'

Fuck, and you say I have hearing problems. Titan, I think you need to take a look at her own butchering of the English language. Please, I've already got a guy who does that to me. And he's half French so it's infinitely worse. Have I been gone so long that the XWF has developed a language?!

And obviously since I've been away from the company for a measly two months that means I'm practically ancient history and that my points are irrelevant. You know why you don't remember my matches, Titan? Quite possibly because you weren't here to see them. Well, I guess I could use the same logic you're applying and assume anything I wasn't around for didn't exist and I have no rhyme or reason to believe it had at all. And so, using that logic, I must come to a mind-bending question:

WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU!?

"Who the fuck are we? The answer is simple, we are what you could never be: Something of note. How does it feel, Smoke, to be absolutely nothing? And we mean that in the most literal of definitions. Does anybody care about you, what you've done or where you're going? No. The only mind-bending question you should be asking is why you haven't swallowed a handful of pills and a large caliber bullet to end your completely sub-average existence? Perhaps then someone, somewhere, would see your name and have a reaction other than utter disinterest."

1X - GOAT.

Hey. Smoke. What I said made sense the way I said it. Y'know, with the pauses. Look at this...

FuckandyousayIhavehearingproblems. TitanIthinkyouneedtotakealookatherownbutcheringoftheEnglishlanguage
See?... No?... Yeah, I suppose I should've tried that with a sentence that made sense. Though, Smoke... I'd appreciate it if you'd... I dunno, flick me a text or call me, something like that, when you think up a legitimate insult. I think I could do with a rest for now, hence why I've been yawning.

How come all the weird kinky stuff in the world reminds you people of me!?

(02-24-2014, 03:34 PM)Ann Thraxx Said: Hey. Smoke. What I said made sense the way I said it. Y'know, with the pauses. Look at this...

FuckandyousayIhavehearingproblems. TitanIthinkyouneedtotakealookatherownbutcheringoftheEnglishlanguage
See?... No?... Yeah, I suppose I should've tried that with a sentence that made sense. Though, Smoke... I'd appreciate it if you'd... I dunno, flick me a text or call me, something like that, when you think up a legitimate insult. I think I could do with a rest for now, hence why I've been yawning.

"Splendid. You suffer from Tourette's as well? Management has a curious sense of humor, sticking us in a match with two clowns whose only success in humor are the laughs they draw from tripping over their own, idiotic words. Bitch, have you no gray matter rolling around in that skull of yours? It may be the only thing in this match that is more hollow than that tiny sack that dangles between Smoke's legs."

1X - GOAT.

Nope. My grey matter's not rolling around. Is yours? That'd explain why you won't talk. You can't. Why don't you speak right now? Move your mouth and make sounds with that instead of that weird Skrillex noise I hear when you try to make a point. Come on, do it and... I'll... Clean your locker room for a month.

Still nothing? Dumbass.

How come all the weird kinky stuff in the world reminds you people of me!?

"What a domestic offer that is, one that we of course we will have to decline. It is promising to see that you are learning your place though, woman. Perhaps you will also fetch us a newspaper and our slippers? A back rub would also be divine. You claim to be unable to understand us yet you make semi-and we stress, semi-intelligible answers, perhaps we were wrong and you suffer from hydrocephaly, you mentally handicapped piece of shit.

1X - GOAT.

You're something of note, aye? Riddle me this then, you necrophiliac gimp, how come I have the need to ask who you are in the first place? How come I need to look up who you are even after you try and do that whole boring cryptic shit? How come the only thing that makes you any better than me at this moment is that piece of gold that you carry? A piece of gold that I thought was my key to prominence here, but I have since realised that only those who are dumb enough to pretend that any plate of anything shiny would ever go for that championship?

If you were better than me you would be well on your way to claiming the X-Treme Championship by now. So will you be a clone of the same repetitive and boring newcomer who walks through those doors every week, or a flaming up-start like I was? Less than 30 days in this company and the X-Treme Title was mine. But in my naive-mindedness I lost it in a day, but even so, I guess that that is 24 more hours than you'll ever hold a belt more prestigious than that.

"The X-Treme title? How precious that you think we would aspire to be something so mediocre, granted with your lack of verbal and physical skills, we can see how that would be such a lofty goal for a cretin like you. This belt we carry, this is but a mere trinket, one that we could care less about--much akin to the feelings the general populace have toward you. We assume you must ask who we are because the shame of being such a bland, forgettable waste of space has developed into a deep depression; one that tuning in to watch those better than yourself, such as us, would only serve to further cripple your already fragile mental capacity."

1X - GOAT.

Wait-wait-wait, hold up a second. I guess that painted Voldemort mask isn't the only thing trying to cover a flawed subject. I noticed how you said you weren't even bloody interested in the belt. What the heck's the point in that!? Are you a kid who would beg his parents to get something for him and as soon as he gets it acts like a pompous asshole who pretends he didn't even want it in the first place!? You know what would convince me that you don't want that shit?

Not having it in the first fucking place!!

Wow. Just... wow! You say that Ann isn't having an intelligent argument but then you turn around and say shit like that, and then act surprised when people like I assume you only ever got the title because you thought that shiny equals good thing to holder of shiny.

But no, of course. How could I think such a thing while you make bloated assumptions about me with 62 different variations of saying the phrase 'fuck you and everything about you'. Jesus, it's like you got a mental capacity of a sixth-grader with an expansive vocabulary. Seriously, the insults are same level stuff.

"The point, you ask? The point is dominance. Something that a lowly, sniveling shit like you will ever have to concern yourself with. We didn't steal this title away from some useless, bottom-of-the-barrel, recycled-insult using clown like--well, like you. We took this belt from Scorpio, someone far more impressive than you. Before that, we took it from the 'king' himself, Theo Pryce. This belt could be soaked in Ann's urine and shoved down your gullet for all we care, it's nothing but a byproduct of showcasing our superiority."

"Do tell, exactly when did we show any semblance of surprise? The only thing we find remotely surprising about you is that you think we would give any thought to convincing you of our motives. You are beneath us. You always have been. You always will be. That is no assumption, that is fact."

"Please, keep those lips moving, we get an odd sense of joy in watching you make a fool of yourself."

1X - GOAT.

"Ahhh... The sweet sound of fear. Deafening, yet at the same time delicate enough to hear a pin drop."

"Where, oh where, oh where could they be?
Have they decided to run from me?
Has this terror left them desperate and mute?
Or are they preparing to be the feast for this brute?"

"What's the matter, kiddies?"

1X - GOAT.

"Was it something we said?"

"Guys?"

"Hello?"

1X - GOAT.

Shut up, I'm thinking about something more exciting than this conversation.

Algebra.

How come all the weird kinky stuff in the world reminds you people of me!?

"We agree, our unchecked verbal assault on you worthless shitstains is lacking something. Perhaps if this Smoke stops bouncing on cocks for laundry quarters, and you pull out those saggy, withered baby feeders of yours, we may be inclined to take you both more seriously."

1X - GOAT.