Bane Williams
Just That Good
XWF FanBase: Classic Face (usually cheered; very rarely plays dirty)
(Where is my roster page?)
Joined: Tue May 14 2013
Posts: 30
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X-Bux: ✘75,000
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05-21-2013, 12:49 AM
Meet Bane Williams
Hey guys, so this was my first RP in about 2 years or so and I know that it will take a while to get back in the swing of things.
I'd really appreciate any help you guys could give me on how that I can improve and any suggestions on what you'd like to see from Bane in the future
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ShawnHero
"Heh. Sorry"
XWF FanBase: Classic Heel (usually booed; often plays dirty)
(Where is my roster page?)
Joined: Sat May 04 2013
Posts: 38
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05-21-2013, 09:08 PM
Just so you know, always post a link to the rp you want feedback on but here is mine, hope its helpful. (:
First, I love that you provided a pretty detailed history Bane's background, it's always great to get background info.
To improve, I would say throw in more. Dialogue always helps, give us more of Bane's life. Introduce us to his family through a conversation between Bane and his family or something like that. Introduce us to some friends that may have influenced Bane along the way.
Another thing I would recommend is to use a spell checker. There weren't many spelling errors, but there were a few that could trip up the reader. But yeah, just more in my opinion. Throw in dialogue or a bit of action.. Something that happened that really defines who Bane is.
That's my feedback, hope it was helpful (:
RECORD:
4 WINS
2 LOSSES
0 DRAWS
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ShawnHero
"Heh. Sorry"
XWF FanBase: Classic Heel (usually booed; often plays dirty)
(Where is my roster page?)
Joined: Sat May 04 2013
Posts: 38
9,249
Likes Given: 13
Likes Received: 8 in 6 posts
Hates Given: 0
Hates Received: 0 in 0 posts
Hates Given: 0
Hates Received: 0 in 0 posts
Reputation:
1
X-Bux: ✘75,000
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05-22-2013, 12:18 PM
Oh sorry I missed that lol. And I saw a couple, the one that stuck out to me most was the word organize at the end of the third paragraph.
RECORD:
4 WINS
2 LOSSES
0 DRAWS
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ShawnHero
"Heh. Sorry"
XWF FanBase: Classic Heel (usually booed; often plays dirty)
(Where is my roster page?)
Joined: Sat May 04 2013
Posts: 38
9,249
Likes Given: 13
Likes Received: 8 in 6 posts
Hates Given: 0
Hates Received: 0 in 0 posts
Hates Given: 0
Hates Received: 0 in 0 posts
Reputation:
1
X-Bux: ✘75,000
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05-23-2013, 05:31 PM
Ohh okay well forget the part about spell check lol sorry about that
RECORD:
4 WINS
2 LOSSES
0 DRAWS
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