Life isn't always so grand.  Rich people say that money doesn't buy happiness.  Poor people think that if you have money, your life can't possibly be difficult.  The reality is that the truth lies somewhere in the middle.  Having money gives you peace of mind financially.  In all likelihood,  I'll never have to worry about making rent or deciding which utility bill to skip this month so that I can keep my overinflated car payment or deciding whether or not I can afford to spend a night out on the town.  Financial burdens can ruin entire lives.  One misstep can send you tumbling down the mountain you were so careful in climbing to begin with.  I've never had that problem.  A misstep to me is maybe one or two of my financial investments losing money in any particular quarter.

When you're well-off, your misery comes in different forms.  None of it for me has anything to do with money.  Sometimes it's regrets about that weird kid in school that you picked on just to fit in.  Or the time your grandfather took an interest in one of your passions and you denied him the time of day because you were just a dumb kid and you didn’t recognize the opportunity.  Or maybe it's something like a marriage.  One you wanted so badly with a woman you loved so dearly.

”Okay,” Lucy said from the driver seat of my Monte Carlo as she took my phone from my hands.  ”You've done enough.”

”Oh honey, I'm just gettin’ warmed up,” I replied.  ”Im tired of keepin’ my mouth shut.”

”No honey,” she insisted.  ”It's not our place.  It's not what we do.”

Astonished.

Flabbergasted.

Amazed beyond belief, I could only stare at my love with a side eye.

”Maybe you're right,” Lucy said as she steered us across the Queensboro Bridge into Manhattan.

”I am right,” I insisted.  ”I kept my mouth shut for a long time and…”

”You should probably consider resuming keeping it shut,” she advised.

Speechless.

I know for a fact Lucy agrees with me that Seb Bryce and Sloane Taylor belong together.  So why is it wrong to point it out?

”I get it,” Lucy cut through the quiet.  ”You love them both, but what we think doesn't matter.  They have to make their choices and we have to live with them.”

”They're turning me into an enabler.  Why do I have to turn a blind eye to their absolute stupidity?”

”Because it's what we do as their friends,” Lucy stated.

”Staying quiet is the opposite of what a friend would do,” I protested.

”Sure,” she agreed, which confused me.  ”But in private.”

Ugggh.  Okay, she has a point.

”How much of your little outburst really had anything to do with Sebastian or Sloane?” she asked.

”What do you mean?”

”Well you're on your way to divorce arbitration with your wife,” she reminded me, as if I could forget.  ”And all the while she just hit you with a ten million dollar ransom for her signature.”

Considering her words, I sat back against the seat doing nothing but staring out at the raindrops as they pelted the windshield.  Maybe she was right.  Maybe my outburst wasn't anything to do with Sebastian or Sloane at all, but because of this tense divorce proceeding with my wife.

”That hurt,” I admitted quietly.

"Not as much as it's gonna,” she joked.

”It's not about the money,” I insisted.  ”I couldn't care less about the money.  It's the principle of the thing.”

”I know,” she replied.

”When Lauren and I first got together it was like everyone wanted us to fail,” I began.  ”Friends and enemies alike just piled on.  They'd give it three months.  Then six.  Then a year tops.

“Everytime we hit a new milestone, they'd move the goalposts,” I paused.  ”And it was always the money.  As if someone like Lauren couldn't possibly love me for any other reason than what I have in my bank accounts.”

”Then she went and proved them right,” Lucy chimed in.

”Yeah,” I agreed quietly.  ”All I've ever been to most people is a bank account with a face.”

”It's a nice face,” she said humorously.

”Thanks mom,” I joked.  ”I guess I should probably apologize to those two idiots.”

”That would probably be a good place to start,” she smiled.

”But I'm not sorry.”

It was a difficult predicament I found myself in.  All of it, in one way or another, was my own doing.  Sure, I'd apologize to Sebastian and Sloane for going at them in the manner I did, but I'm not wrong and somewhere deep inside each of them, I think they know I'm right.  Then again, as my current situation would tell you, love isn't always enough for people.  Loving someone else isn't the panacea that Lifetime and Hallmark or that godforsaken Nicholas Sparks makes it out to be.  Humans are more complex beings than that.  There are needs- mentally, emotionally and physically- that not everyone is equipped to meet.

Later, I paced the marble tiled floor in the conference room at Robert Zane's law firm.  Lucy was with me now, but once Lauren and her attorney arrived, Lucy would have to vacate the room.  That by itself made me feel apprehensive.  Lucy just has this way of keeping me calm, chill and even simply with her presence.  That wasn't as easy with Lauren around.

Lauren Agnes Duke has this secret formula to getting under my skin.  She has this reputation for being dumb but I can assure everyone from firsthand experience and simply as an observer that she's far more intelligent than she presents herself to be.  She's not particularly brash.  She's considerate and calculated.  Lauren is as cerebral and ruthless as anyone I’ve ever known.

”They're here,” Robert Zane said as he poked his head into the conference room before disappearing again.

”Remember,” Lucy said as she began to stand from a chair.  ”Limit your outbursts as best you can.”

With my nerves just about shot, I said nothing and just leaned back against a shelf beneath a television hung from the wall behind me.  Lucy approached, then wrapped her arms around me before leaning her head against my chest.

”Try to respond only to the lawyers,” she continued advising.  ”She might say things in order to get you to go off… don't take the bait.”

”That's so much easier said than done,” I admitted.  ”She knows me better than most.  She knows exactly what buttons to push and just how hard to push ‘em.”

”I'm sure,” said Lucy.  ”But you have to try.”

Just then, my attorney Robert Zane,  my future ex-wife and her attorney, and the arbitrator all entered while Lucy quietly left.

”Have a seat everyone,” Robert said.

Taking a seat beside him, Lauren and her attorney sat directly across from us with the arbitrator sitting at the end of the table.  I could feel Lauren's gaze burning a hole through me.  I wouldn't make eye contact.

”Should we begin?” asked Marta Brooks, Lauren's famed big time Chicago attorney.

”Our purpose today is not to punish any one party, but instead, try to find common ground and agree to an amicable split of assets between the plaintiff, Lauren Agnes Duke of Chicago, Illinois and the defendant, Thaddeus Leander Duke the Second of Great Neck, New York,” the arbitrator began.

”We want it stated for the record that nothing my client owned- property, businesses, or cash assets- that were obtained prior to the 27th of January, 2022 are up for debate here today,” Robert chimed in.

”Agreed,” said Marta.

Pulling my phone from my pocket, I started perusing and browsing.  Zoned out, I heard very little of what was being said, what was being agreed to or argued against.

Mostly, I browsed through old pictures of her and I.  I tried hard to remember what it was like, how it felt during the good times we had together.  As much as I tried, I couldn't remember the feeling.  That by itself made me sad.  I didn't want to hate Lauren.  I loved her in ways that I don't know if I could ever adequately explain.  It was just all different now.  For the first time in my adult life I feel genuinely loved by another human being and I don't know if there's any feeling that quite matches up to it.  All the time Lauren and I were together, I thought what we had was love.  In some ways maybe it was.  Mostly, it was just a toxic mess.

I tried hard to remember what it was that attracted me to her to begin with.  Sure, she's a physically attractive woman, there’s no denying that.  But that's surface level bullshit.  What was it about our marriage that appealed to me?

It almost hurt that I couldn't remember.

”We’d like to start with discussing the ten million dollar trust my client wants set up for the son they share, Franklin Robert…”

”Francis,” I corrected somewhat angrily.

”Pardon?” said Marta.

”His name is Francis, not Franklin,” I replied.

”My apologies,” Ms. Brooks replied as she looked at the sheet of paper in front of her.  ”It says Francis here, I just misread.”

”My client will agree to the trust,” Robert chimed in.  ”We can mark that one as agreed and move on.”

”My client would like fully covered healthcare…”

”My client is not prepared to agree to those terms,” Zane argued.  ”This was never presented in writing by your team and…”

”My client is getting older,” Marta interrupted.  To which even Lauren gave her a scowl.  ”Problems arise and a year ago, she lived a very comfortable lifestyle that would’ve afforded her treatment that she now can not afford.”

”Fine,” I agreed.

”Thaddeus, we should…”

”She’s my son’s mother, Robert,” I interrupted him.  ”Her health and well being directly affects him.  Just send me the bills.”

”Next up, we’d like to discuss one particular asset.  The family yacht, Tranquility.”

”No, that’s a non-starter,” Robert insisted.  ”Tranquility was purchased for 76 million dollars by my client two years before he had ever met your client.”

”I don’t care,” Lauren chimed in.

”What the hell would you even do with it?” I asked angrily.  ”Park it on Lake Michigan?”

”Who cares what I wanna do with it?”

”Please, ladies and gentlemen…”

”You think I pilot that thing myself?  Lauren, you couldn’t afford the upkeep.  You couldn’t afford the crew.”

”If I wanna dock it at port and stare at it, satisfied that you don’t have it, that’s what I’ll do…”

”Mr. and Mrs. Duke…” the arbitrator tries to regain control of the meeting.

”Every time I agree to something you just keep moving the goalposts on me,” I argued.

”Counselors…”

”What the fuck is it that you want from me!?” I asked her angrily.  ”It’s not healthcare, it’s not a ten million dollar trust because you know damn well Frankie already has a trust fund.  I’m not contesting your visitation rights with him.

“So tell me Lauren… what do you want from me?  Why are you doing this to me?”

”Counselors, Mr. and Mrs. Duke…”

”I wanna live again!” Lauren shouted, bringing all of the chatter and arguments to a screeching stop.  All eyes fell upon my estranged wife.

”What?”

”Like at the end of It's A Wonderful Life. You know, when George Bailey says ‘I wanna live again’ and it starts snowing?” she began to explain.  ”I wanna live again, Leander.  I wanna undo all of this, but I know I can't... I chose this path because I wasn't lucky enough to not be born.”

An uncomfortable silence befalls the conference room.  For the first time since long before she left me, Lauren has shown vulnerability.  I could feel the pain coming from her body.  I could hear it in her voice, I could see it in her eyes.  Anyone that knows me knows that uncaring and unfeeling is not something that I am.  Despite the great big chasm between us, I do feel for her.

”Everyone leave.  Now.” I instructed those in the room.

”Mister Du…”

”I’m sorry if I left you with the impression that there was a debate to be had here,” I said somewhat angrily.

Reluctantly, both attorneys and the arbitrator vacated the conference room leaving Lauren and I to our own devices.  For a long few moments I only stared at her.

”Did you get what you wanted?” Lauren asked but I didn't answer.  ”Poor vulnerable Lauren, desperate to cling to what she lost.”

”Nothing about this is satisfying to me,” I replied.  ”I have never wanted to see you hurt.”

”I meant what I said in Chicago,” I prefaced.  ”I waited for you to finally come to me. To finally open up about what happened that night with your brother…”

”It isn't that simple…”

”Of course it's not simple!” I fired back.  ”That’s why I was waiting.  Of everyone you know, Lauren, who better to open up to, who better to show your vulnerability to, who better to talk to about what it's like to have to end the life of someone you love… than your own husband who loved you deeply?”

Tears welled in her eyes.  Mine too, I'm sure.

”I've been there, Lauren,” I paused.  ”It was the toughest decision I ever made and even today, three years later, I still beat myself up over whether or not it was the right decision.”

”I'm sorry,” she said with a sniffle.

”Me too,” I replied quietly.  ”I wanted it to work, I wanted us to last forever, Lauren.”

She said nothing.  I said nothing either for what seemed like an eternity.  Eventually, I stood and came around the table to sit beside her, then take her into my arms.

”I don't regret many things,” I began pouring my heart out.  ”I do regret not being adult and grown up enough to be the man you deserved.”

”Stop,” Lauren said quietly, emotionally.

”There’s a part of me that will always love you, Lauren,” I continued despite her protests.  ”But what I learned since you left is that what we had isn't what either of us needed.”

”Please stop,” she pleaded.

”I don't wanna hear you talk about not being born or not being here ever again,” I said sternly.  ”If anything ever happened to you, I'd be crushed.  Frankie would be crushed.”

”You'd both be better off…”

”Bullshit,” I replied quickly.  ”I do wanna know what you're into though,” I demanded.

Lauren only turned her head toward me and shook her head.

”Why does it matter?” she asked in an almost rhetorical manner.

”I wasn't just playing on my phone, Lauren,” I admitted.  ”Marta Brooks is a criminal attorney.”

”It's not for you to worry about anymore,” she stated matter-of-factly.

”How bad is it?”

”Time will tell,” she shrugged.

”Just don't let Frankie…”

”I would never let him anywhere near what I do out there,” she interrupted.

”Divorced or not, Lauren… I'll always help you if you want it.”

”You're really not out there fuckin’ anything that walks?” she asked, changing the subject.

”When your teenage son that used to look up to you and admires you catches on to your bullshit and calls you on it… it changes things,” I paused.  ”It was selfish, arrogant, stupid.  It's a wonder I don't have at least a half dozen other kids out there somewhere to be honest.

“You'll never truly grasp how much I regret that stuff.”

”And this new…” she paused while grasping for the appropriate terminology.

”Lucy,” I filled in the blanks.

”Whatever,” she replied.  ”I fucked it all up, Leander.  You should hope this one doesn't.”

Lauren leaned forward almost immediately, breaking our shoulder to shoulder embrace.  She grabbed the papers and signed her name, at long last granting the permanent separation of our union.

The feeling wasn't one of joy but of a bittersweetness.  I loved Lauren, truly.  Part of me always will.  My life is so much different now.  There's a calmness, a comfort that wasn't there before.

Lauren was chaos.  I don't mean that as negatively as it sounds, it just is what it is.  Whether it was fighting New York mobsters or fighting each other, our marriage was toxic chaos.

There's no doubt in my mind that she loved me.  None.  I know a lot of people don't think men can change, but we do.  I strive to be a better man today than I was yesterday.  Tomorrow, I'll strive to be better than I was today.

What I learned during our three year marriage is that a relationship can't be one-sided.  It's not a 50-50 endeavor, but one that takes 100% effort from both sides.  Despite our many and vast differences, I won't ever regret marrying her.  I'd made a lot of mistakes during our marriage.  Not once have I ever hid from that.  I'm in no way proud of it, but it is a fact.  Through all of our ups, downs, and ultimately our failure, Lauren taught me not how to love, but how to do it right.

As I shed quiet tears, she pushed the signed papers over to me and stood up.

”I'm gonna miss us,” she said after kissing me on the top of my head.

Me too, Babydoll.  Me too.

Lauren began to depart and I sat there and said nothing.  I'd be lying if I said I felt nothing.  I felt a lot of things.  Mostly hurt.

She sighed as she walked toward the door, then stopped and turned her head toward me ever so slightly.

”Some day, Leander, your phone will ring,” she began then paused.  ”If it ain't my death notice, it means I need your help.”

Lauren stood there a brief few seconds more.  She had more to say and I could feel that.  Instead, she abruptly exited the conference room without finishing her thought.

”And you'll have it without a second thought,” I said aloud but to no one except the ghost she left behind.

My hands trembled as I sat there quietly and alone.  I could make neither heads nor tails of what I was feeling when Lucy entered.

”I saw she left,” Lucy said as she stepped inside.  ”Are you okay?” she asked in a hushed whisper.

I merely nodded.

”Are you sure?” she asked as she reached me and sat beside me.

”No,” I managed to say before the dam broke.  Breaking down in quiet sobs, Lucy did nothing but hold me as tight as she could.

I know how much I love Lucy. I know how important she is to me and how important she has been to my recovery.  Yet at the same time, I'm so confused.  I love her so much, but I'm very clearly grieving and mourning the official legal dissolution of my marriage… and my brain doesn't know how to reconcile those two things.