Prof. Bobby Bourbon
Mad Scientist
XWF FanBase: The 'cool' kliq fans (booed by casual fans; opportunistic; often plays dirty while setting the trends)
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Joined: Thu May 28 2015
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Hates Received: 134 in 119 posts
Hates Given: 38
Hates Received: 134 in 119 posts
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03-09-2024, 12:08 AM
An auditorium roars as No Good Bastard by Tom McDonald blares throughout. The curtain opens, the stage is lit, we see a curved desk with two chairs. From above, descending from the heavens, stage right, wearing his usual athletic pants with a tank top and a massive set of feathery wings, is Thunder Knuckles. Stage left, emerging from below in a dazzling peacock colored tuxedo, is Bobby Bourbon. Them No Good Bastards approach the desk and sit, a large screen behind them.
Holy shit, Bobby, there's a fuck ton of people here!
That's right, Brother Knuckles, there are, because we're that good.
Nah, Bobby, because we're that bad.
Maybe. I think we're pretty good at being bad.
Fuck that Bobby, we're no good.
Bobby and TK exchange their signature no look fistbump. The audience screams wildly like it's the Beatles on Ed Sullivan.
That's right, we're...
Bobby and TK go to say it, but the crowd already knows it.
*THEM NO GOOD BASTARDS!*
The crowd is still going crazy. Bobby and TK glance at each other. Bobby mouths a pretty obvious "fuck yeah" to TK as TK is sneering. TK points out to the crowd, where a member of the audience is flashing Bobby and TK. TK gives a thumbs up. Bobby points to another member of the audience who is also flashing them, but TK looks disturbed at the man showing them his genitalia. Bobby's laughing hysterically.
Woah, woah, buddy!
They're tits and dicks out for us, bro.
Fuck yeah they are!
Maybe next time we don't have a six drink minimum?
Maybe not, Bobby, you know I refuse to do this shit without at least having had a twelve pack.
Right. You're right.
So, what the fuck are we doing?
We're going to showcase the best of the XWF leading up to Warfare!
We're the fucking best, Bobby.
I know, but, well, we didn't have a match or anything, not together at least.
So, are you just going to show your kick-ass promo again where you wound up sewing a spatula to someone?
Nope, us just doing this is enough shameless self promotion!
So what the fuck is going on?
Well, first, there's Spencer Adams.
Oh, fuck that guy. Fuck that Pantheon bullshit.
On the screen behind TNGB, we see this clip from Spencer Adams.
Spencer Adams Said:There’s no limp dicked thirteenth reason why for Spencer Adams, because truth be told, zero and three could be zero and ten and I’d STILL be in front of you all shouting from the rooftops, spreading the message that as long as I am breathing, I AM the motherfucker to beat under the ExDubEff banner.
Where the fuck do I start with this shit?
You don't, but I will, like how I do want to know about the implied limp dicked first through twelfth reasons he does have.
This dumb fucker says if he was zero and ten he'd still be the one to beat? Yeah, like any other fucking enhancement talent.
Well next up we have Kieran King, you all know about him.
Wrestling until pension!
Kieran King Said:Here’s where I’m taking a different tact to everyone else though: I’m not content to play Whack-A-Mole with whatever cargo falls off the gravy train this time.
Nah, he only plays top shelf Whack-A-Mole.
Or he only whacks top shelf gravy, Bobby.
Truth. Also, thank you for convincing me not to open that restaurant where instead of sushi on conveyor belts it was gravy in model trains scooting around.
Nobody wants to wait on a fucking schedule to get au jus, Bobby.
Well, speaking of gravy, here's Michael Graves!
Michael Graves Said:"Nah, I just like to boaster the jobbers egos. It's even more delicious when they crash and burn!"
He boasters all the jobber's egos, Bobby, he boasters them for days!
Well, all of them except his own, bro.
What a fucking dork.
Yeah.
Well this next one I picked. It's a fucking fast food worker.
Oh?
courtesy Vhodka Marie Said:“Ma’am, this is an Arby’s.”
What?
Bro, you're like the king of having to be reminded you're in an Arby's.
TK is seen chuckling as Bobby rolls his eyes.
Whatever, there was that one time...
One fucking time? I can name a few goddamn times you had to be reminded you were in a fucking Arby's.
I had a concussion.
The time you had a concussion and insisted on a Big Beef and Cheddar on the way to the emergency room was one fucking time, Bobby. Then there was the time you tried to organize a labor union for truck drivers at one...
That was a good idea at the time.
That's because it's the Teamsters, they're already fucking real.
Well now I know what that means.
Then you asked for a Whopper at one, which I figured if anybody would know better it'd be you. Then there was when you pushed like four booths together to make a bed for yourself because you wanted to sprawl out like a cat, the fucking time you started doing Zumba playing music off of an ancient stereo you found at the thrift shop along with the Zumba CD, offering a free car wash to fuckers in the drive through, asking if you have to be forklift certified to work there...
Look, are we here to roast me about my behavior at Arby's?
Right now yeah!
TK laughs as Bobby rolls his eyes.
Next fucking clip, c'mon.
Nah, that was the last one.
TK cackles as Bobby laughs along.
Sebastian Everett-Bryce Said:You remind me of an old friend of mine - Duncan Ryder. A man who for a long time, I failed to respect. But since then, he and I have engaged in a silent eighteen-month-long match for the Level Up Wrestling Final Boss Championship
Woah!
Holy fuck, the dreaded 18-month-long Ironman match where saying ANYTHING results in a disqualification!
Fuck that shit Bobby, I don't want to wrestle a match for eighteen goddamn months!
For a championship that matters as much as used toilet paper, too!
Well, who's next.
Hah, I present a former partner of mine!
Mark Flynn Said:![[Image: tIfZxk.gif]](https://i.makeagif.com/media/5-22-2022/tIfZxk.gif)
Goddamnit I hate that fucking guy.
Yeah, me too, always out cruising around on his boat instead of taking care of our son.
Well, I know who's next, and it's none other than a stupid piece of shit fucker I can't stand.
That's right, Kieran King's Brother, Isaiah!
They don't look related.
Because they're both foster children.
I see.
Isaiah King Said:My career feels more inconsistent than a Kardashian’s hips.
Oh, man, TK, you know the last time Isaiah touched a Kardashian's hip?
That would be the 5th of fucking never.
Shit, and if you think your career is inconsistent, imagine what all the fans must think?
They think the smartest move he ever could have made was being swallowed by his mom instead of impregnating her.
Woah!
What, Bobby?
It's 2024, that's, um...
Offensive?
Not enough! Haven't you even seen Saltburn?
No, and you always make me watch the weirdest fucking movies.
The smartest move he ever could have made was being a stain in the bottom of his dad's underwear mid lap-dance instead of tipping his mom extra for the full service!
Well, damn, Bobby, is all there is from the XWF?
Well, we're the best, TK, it's all downhill from there.
The audience applauds as Bobby and TK stand up from their seats and raise their arms in victory, having won everyone's hearts.
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