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Prof. Bobby Bourbon · (03-09-2024)

An auditorium roars as No Good Bastard by Tom McDonald blares throughout. The curtain opens, the stage is lit, we see a curved desk with two chairs. From above, descending from the heavens, stage right, wearing his usual athletic pants with a tank top and a massive set of feathery wings, is Thunder Knuckles. Stage left, emerging from below in a dazzling peacock colored tuxedo, is Bobby Bourbon. Them No Good Bastards approach the desk and sit, a large screen behind them.

Holy shit, Bobby, there's a fuck ton of people here!

That's right, Brother Knuckles, there are, because we're that good.

Nah, Bobby, because we're that bad.

Maybe. I think we're pretty good at being bad.

Fuck that Bobby, we're no good.

Bobby and TK exchange their signature no look fistbump. The audience screams wildly like it's the Beatles on Ed Sullivan.

That's right, we're...

Bobby and TK go to say it, but the crowd already knows it.

*THEM NO GOOD BASTARDS!*

The crowd is still going crazy. Bobby and TK glance at each other. Bobby mouths a pretty obvious "fuck yeah" to TK as TK is sneering. TK points out to the crowd, where a member of the audience is flashing Bobby and TK. TK gives a thumbs up. Bobby points to another member of the audience who is also flashing them, but TK looks disturbed at the man showing them his genitalia. Bobby's laughing hysterically.

Woah, woah, buddy!

They're tits and dicks out for us, bro.

Fuck yeah they are!

Maybe next time we don't have a six drink minimum?

Maybe not, Bobby, you know I refuse to do this shit without at least having had a twelve pack.

Right. You're right.

So, what the fuck are we doing?

We're going to showcase the best of the XWF leading up to Warfare!

We're the fucking best, Bobby.

I know, but, well, we didn't have a match or anything, not together at least.

So, are you just going to show your kick-ass promo again where you wound up sewing a spatula to someone?

Nope, us just doing this is enough shameless self promotion!

So what the fuck is going on?

Well, first, there's Spencer Adams.

Oh, fuck that guy. Fuck that Pantheon bullshit.

On the screen behind TNGB, we see this clip from Spencer Adams.

Spencer Adams Said:There’s no limp dicked thirteenth reason why for Spencer Adams, because truth be told, zero and three could be zero and ten and I’d STILL be in front of you all shouting from the rooftops, spreading the message that as long as I am breathing, I AM the motherfucker to beat under the ExDubEff banner.

Where the fuck do I start with this shit?

You don't, but I will, like how I do want to know about the implied limp dicked first through twelfth reasons he does have.

This dumb fucker says if he was zero and ten he'd still be the one to beat? Yeah, like any other fucking enhancement talent.

Well next up we have Kieran King, you all know about him.

Wrestling until pension!

Kieran King Said:Here’s where I’m taking a different tact to everyone else though: I’m not content to play Whack-A-Mole with whatever cargo falls off the gravy train this time.

Nah, he only plays top shelf Whack-A-Mole.

Or he only whacks top shelf gravy, Bobby.

Truth. Also, thank you for convincing me not to open that restaurant where instead of sushi on conveyor belts it was gravy in model trains scooting around.

Nobody wants to wait on a fucking schedule to get au jus, Bobby.

Well, speaking of gravy, here's Michael Graves!

Michael Graves Said:"Nah, I just like to boaster the jobbers egos. It's even more delicious when they crash and burn!"

He boasters all the jobber's egos, Bobby, he boasters them for days!

Well, all of them except his own, bro.

What a fucking dork.

Yeah.

Well this next one I picked. It's a fucking fast food worker.

Oh?

courtesy Vhodka Marie Said:“Ma’am, this is an Arby’s.”

What?

Bro, you're like the king of having to be reminded you're in an Arby's.

TK is seen chuckling as Bobby rolls his eyes.

Whatever, there was that one time...

One fucking time? I can name a few goddamn times you had to be reminded you were in a fucking Arby's.

I had a concussion.

The time you had a concussion and insisted on a Big Beef and Cheddar on the way to the emergency room was one fucking time, Bobby. Then there was the time you tried to organize a labor union for truck drivers at one...

That was a good idea at the time.

That's because it's the Teamsters, they're already fucking real.

Well now I know what that means.

Then you asked for a Whopper at one, which I figured if anybody would know better it'd be you. Then there was when you pushed like four booths together to make a bed for yourself because you wanted to sprawl out like a cat, the fucking time you started doing Zumba playing music off of an ancient stereo you found at the thrift shop along with the Zumba CD, offering a free car wash to fuckers in the drive through, asking if you have to be forklift certified to work there...

Look, are we here to roast me about my behavior at Arby's?

Right now yeah!

TK laughs as Bobby rolls his eyes.

Next fucking clip, c'mon.

Nah, that was the last one.

TK cackles as Bobby laughs along.

Sebastian Everett-Bryce Said:You remind me of an old friend of mine - Duncan Ryder. A man who for a long time, I failed to respect. But since then, he and I have engaged in a silent eighteen-month-long match for the Level Up Wrestling Final Boss Championship

Woah!

Holy fuck, the dreaded 18-month-long Ironman match where saying ANYTHING results in a disqualification!

Fuck that shit Bobby, I don't want to wrestle a match for eighteen goddamn months!

For a championship that matters as much as used toilet paper, too!

Well, who's next.

Hah, I present a former partner of mine!

Mark Flynn Said:

Goddamnit I hate that fucking guy.

Yeah, me too, always out cruising around on his boat instead of taking care of our son.

Well, I know who's next, and it's none other than a stupid piece of shit fucker I can't stand.

That's right, Kieran King's Brother, Isaiah!

They don't look related.

Because they're both foster children.

I see.

Isaiah King Said:My career feels more inconsistent than a Kardashian’s hips.

Oh, man, TK, you know the last time Isaiah touched a Kardashian's hip?

That would be the 5th of fucking never.

Shit, and if you think your career is inconsistent, imagine what all the fans must think?

They think the smartest move he ever could have made was being swallowed by his mom instead of impregnating her.

Woah!

What, Bobby?

It's 2024, that's, um...

Offensive?

Not enough! Haven't you even seen Saltburn?

No, and you always make me watch the weirdest fucking movies.

The smartest move he ever could have made was being a stain in the bottom of his dad's underwear mid lap-dance instead of tipping his mom extra for the full service!

Well, damn, Bobby, is all there is from the XWF?

Well, we're the best, TK, it's all downhill from there.

The audience applauds as Bobby and TK stand up from their seats and raise their arms in victory, having won everyone's hearts.

Prince Adeyemi · (03-09-2024)

Isaiah cracks his knuckles as the little recap video of them no good bastards wraps up. He breathes in deep and gets typing into the comments feed.

"How far up TKs ass did you need to stick your hand up to get him finally talking again?"

Isaiah hits send and smiles to himself before getting ready for Warfare like a real wrestler should.

BIG PREESH · (03-10-2024)

Bourbon ain't SHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-it.

Prof. Bobby Bourbon · **03-09-2024, 09:02 PM**

(03-09-2024, 05:57 PM)BIG PREESH Said: Bourbon ain't SHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-it.

No shit, dicknose, I'm the SHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-it and leave a stink wherever I stomp, your carbon footprint wasn't even on your birth certificate. Now fuck on outta here before I throw you out.

Thunder Knuckles™ · (03-10-2024)

(03-09-2024, 12:41 AM)Prince Adeyemi Said: Isaiah cracks his knuckles as the little recap video of them no good bastards wraps up. He breathes in deep and gets typing into the comments feed.

"How far up TKs ass did you need to stick your hand up to get him finally talking again?"

Isaiah hits send and smiles to himself before getting ready for Warfare like a real wrestler should.

Blah, fucking blah, what's wrong there, shit shooter? Is that the best you got or did Ned forget to leave you cliff notes on how not to get your team's ass beat? I mean, shit, you've already demoted yourself to a prince after Ned demoted your fuck boy ass as Uni Champ. Are you trying to take another demotion in the tag division taking Ned along with you? Cause we ain't afraid to take what you got and rock them like we stole'em.

With a trademarked cocky smile, TK finishes up with the former King turned Prince.

That is... If you think you can hang.

Prince Adeyemi · (03-10-2024)

(03-10-2024, 04:58 AM)Thunder Knuckles™ Said:
(03-09-2024, 12:41 AM)Prince Adeyemi Said: Isaiah cracks his knuckles as the little recap video of them no good bastards wraps up. He breathes in deep and gets typing into the comments feed.

"How far up TKs ass did you need to stick your hand up to get him finally talking again?"

Isaiah hits send and smiles to himself before getting ready for Warfare like a real wrestler should.

Blah, fucking blah, what's wrong there, shit shooter? Is that the best you got or did Ned forget to leave you cliff notes on how not to get your team's ass beat? I mean, shit, you've already demoted yourself to a prince after Ned demoted your fuck boy ass as Uni Champ. Are you trying to take another demotion in the tag division taking Ned along with you? Cause we ain't afraid to take what you got and rock them like we stole'em.

With a trademarked cocky smile, TK finishes up with the former King turned Prince.

That is... If you think you can hang.

Isaiah gets pinged on his cellphone, notifying him that his little trolly message has gotten a response from a has-been. He clicks through and gives it a quick glance.

"Seems like one of us knows he came in second, and the other still thinks he's on top, when he's obviously playing second fiddle to his own partner... Sorry, where's your gold?"

Isaiah hits send again, before slipping his phone into his pocket and continuing to enjoy his latest win against Dolly Waters - a joy TK hasn't experienced in awhile.

Thunder Knuckles™ · (03-10-2024)

Bobby and TK look at each other. TK shrugs like he’s Shawn Warstein on any random Tuesday afternoon. Bobby walks away much to TK's surprise.

Hey, where the fuck are you going?

Bobby walks back holding a puppet and a fiddle.

Here, put your hand up this guy’s hole and have him play fiddle.

Oh, Fuck you.

TK grabs the puppet, then the violin, and throws it off camera. We hear glass shatter, a cat meow, and then an explosion.

It’s Isaiah’s kink man, he keeps just putting it out there like Tarantino does with foot shots in his movies.

Wait… What you're saying the rassler formerly known as King is a foot shot in a Tarantino movie? I'd say he's more a deleted scene than anything. Much like tag team rasslin’ at March Madness.

Oh, deleted scene? You mean the Tag Team Championship match at March Madness! Of all the talk that Pantheon lays down, of all the gold Isaiah says he has, and there’s zero tag team competition at the big show in Minneapolis? I mean, shit, we’re here, for fucks sake, we weren’t gone, and not a soul thought about defending the Tag Team Championship Belts?

I couldn't think of a better time to face… Wait what's their tag team name?

I don't fucking know? I’ma call them The Candy Bar Boys.

Well, Candy Bar Boys? What the fuck do ya say? Let's make the match Them No Good Bastards versus Team Candy Crush.

Jimmy's voice can be heard in the background.

It’s actually Crucible.

The fuck does that even mean?

It means-

TK glares toward Jimmy off-camera.

Shut the fuck up, Jimmy, for fucks sake.

They can be Crucible, Candy Bar Boys, or whatever crap they want to be called, they won’t defend their belts at March Madness. Hell, Isaiah’s just standing around typing here and there, could you imagine having to watch more of him?

It’s probably for the best considering absolutely no one, outside of Ned, wants to watch him anyway.

You’re right!

Them No Good Bastards then engage in some of the most exciting shit ever. You're completely wowed as the scene fades to black.

Prince Adeyemi · **03-10-2024, 10:25 PM**

(03-10-2024, 06:14 PM)Thunder Knuckles™ Said:
Bobby and TK look at each other. TK shrugs like he’s Shawn Warstein on any random Tuesday afternoon. Bobby walks away much to TK's surprise.

Hey, where the fuck are you going?

Bobby walks back holding a puppet and a fiddle.

Here, put your hand up this guy’s hole and have him play fiddle.

Oh, Fuck you.

TK grabs the puppet, then the violin, and throws it off camera. We hear glass shatter, a cat meow, and then an explosion.

It’s Isaiah’s kink man, he keeps just putting it out there like Tarantino does with foot shots in his movies.

Wait… What you're saying the rassler formerly known as King is a foot shot in a Tarantino movie? I'd say he's more a deleted scene than anything. Much like tag team rasslin’ at March Madness.

Oh, deleted scene? You mean the Tag Team Championship match at March Madness! Of all the talk that Pantheon lays down, of all the gold Isaiah says he has, and there’s zero tag team competition at the big show in Minneapolis? I mean, shit, we’re here, for fucks sake, we weren’t gone, and not a soul thought about defending the Tag Team Championship Belts?

I couldn't think of a better time to face… Wait what's their tag team name?

I don't fucking know? I’ma call them The Candy Bar Boys.

Well, Candy Bar Boys? What the fuck do ya say? Let's make the match Them No Good Bastards versus Team Candy Crush.

Jimmy's voice can be heard in the background.

It’s actually Crucible.

The fuck does that even mean?

It means-

TK glares toward Jimmy off-camera.

Shut the fuck up, Jimmy, for fucks sake.

They can be Crucible, Candy Bar Boys, or whatever crap they want to be called, they won’t defend their belts at March Madness. Hell, Isaiah’s just standing around typing here and there, could you imagine having to watch more of him?

It’s probably for the best considering absolutely no one, outside of Ned, wants to watch him anyway.

You’re right!

Them No Good Bastards then engage in some of the most exciting shit ever. You're completely wowed as the scene fades to black.

"Boo hoo, more people have watched me fight since the year started than your redneck ass could count to, so I'll cut you some slack. At least Pantheon came off quite the showing at the Royal, why do you deserve shit TK? Go face three other tag teams, maybe defeat Pantheon and then come knocking for a Tag Title shot.

Just cos we stole it off your partner and his mistress without having to earn a shot doesn't mean you don't have to. They clearly forgot what it means to be ontop. We're the champs, your sorry part-time ass will have to earn a chance to stand in our ring.

I hear 711s got a discount on water-based lubricant if you two every get dry jerking each other off, by the way, must be a right bore to sound like one person when two are speaking - do either of you have individual personalities or are you both just Billy Ray Cyrus meets Angry Cokehead? Is that the collective inbred consciousness speaking, perhaps?"

Comment sent.

Now go wrestle you fat chunk o' lard, the Prince thinks to himself.

Prof. Bobby Bourbon · **03-11-2024, 07:44 AM**

Damn, TK, he sure doesn't want to talk to me all that much. Maybe he doesn't know about the guaranteed Tag Title shot you have in your pocket from being Xtreme Champ?

Prince Adeyemi · (03-11-2024)

(03-11-2024, 07:44 AM)Prof. Bobby Bourbon Said: Damn, TK, he sure doesn't want to talk to me all that much. Maybe he doesn't know about the guaranteed Tag Title shot you have in your pocket from being Xtreme Champ?

"Damn Bourbs, did he earn that while he was still relevant? I guess if we're allowing trophies from half a decade ago... Sure, use it - the man who earned it sure as hell ain't the man who's using it though."

Lotsa tweeting for a bunch of wrestlers.

Thunder Knuckles™ · (03-11-2024)

TK rolls his eyes watching King continue texting instead of talking like a normal person.

Which is it?

TK holds up his pointer finger.

Puppet? Yeah, right.

Holding up his middle finger to join his pointer finger.

Playing second fiddle to Bobby Bourbon? Wow, You're sounding like everyone else who lost to us.

TK holds up his ring finger with the other two already extended. Before continuing he gives out a hearty chuckle.

Irrelevant? There isn't a Tag Team on this planet or the next that is more relevant than us.

Finally, he extends his pinky finger.

Undeserving? Damn.. you got me...

With an obnoxious smile, TK holds up a piece of paper.

Just fucking kidding. This contract says otherwise. Now, to be fair, all I see is HALF the Tag Team Champions making more excuses than title defenses.

TK gives his signature jerking-off hand gesture for the Prince of Mitigation.

Now get on your goddamn phone, type up some kind of response, and have it sent through your agent so we can dispel any more of the bullshit you're spewing. I know, hoping that maybe some of it will stick is the case of XWF these days, but so far, you're zero for fucking four.

Prince Adeyemi · **03-13-2024, 11:45 AM**

(03-11-2024, 10:50 AM)Thunder Knuckles™ Said:
TK rolls his eyes watching King continue texting instead of talking like a normal person.

Which is it?

TK holds up his pointer finger.

Puppet? Yeah, right.

Holding up his middle finger to join his pointer finger.

Playing second fiddle to Bobby Bourbon? Wow, You're sounding like everyone else who lost to us.

TK holds up his ring finger with the other two already extended. Before continuing he gives out a hearty chuckle.

Irrelevant? There isn't a Tag Team on this planet or the next that is more relevant than us.

Finally, he extends his pinky finger.

Undeserving? Damn.. you got me...

With an obnoxious smile, TK holds up a piece of paper.

Just fucking kidding. This contract says otherwise. Now, to be fair, all I see is HALF the Tag Team Champions making more excuses than title defenses.

TK gives his signature jerking-off hand gesture for the Prince of Mitigation.

Now get on your goddamn phone, type up some kind of response, and have it sent through your agent so we can dispel any more of the bullshit you're spewing. I know, hoping that maybe some of it will stick is the case of XWF these days, but so far, you're zero for fucking four.

The Prince chuckles as he imagines talking to a video's comment section, while enjoying the video comments TK and Bourbon have been making to the recap video he first watched. They do seem to be putting lotsa work into replying his tweet comments.

"Man, if you were going to do the counting thing, you should've at least gone to five before the hand-jerking motion, you know that just looks better, right? Unless of course that's counting a little too high for lil' ol' Knuck, if so, congratulations for making it that high boo.

You do realise just counting doesn't change anything that's been said though... Right? That actually takes proof... Come at us tiger, why do I have to do anything if you're the one with the contract? We'll be waiting.

Oh yeah, Ned? He's actually got a real fight on his way to train for.

Be sure to rip that contract up once you've used it though, or we'll have to smell your bullshit over and over again, knowing how sub-par the officiating is around here."

Isaiah hits send on this last one, before muting the notifications on his account and returning to the speed bag to work on a few different punch tempos, y'know, like a real wrestler should.

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