Today is supposed to be the happiest day of my life. Or at least, one of many. Lauren and I are set to have the wedding we should have had from the start. We wed on January 27 last year, but it was spontaneous and performed in a strip club. She deserved better than that. To be fair, I did too. The plan was always to have a real one later. Life, though, finds a way. From wrestling to business to just life in general, we always found reasons why we couldn't.
We were supposed to do this in July but something happened that set us back.
With cold water running through the bathroom faucet, I know I'm on the verge of a panic attack. Those attacks are infrequent, but they tend to pop up whenever I'm stressed. Trying to calm myself, I hold my hands beneath the water, then bring it to my face. Leaning forward as to not get water all over my tuxedo, I held my face in my hands for several long seconds before coming up for air.
"Dad!" Comes the knock from Frankie on the other side of the door.
"Not now, Frankie," I called back.
"But I can't get this stupid tie!" He replied.
"Frankie!" Unintentionally, I yelled as I turned off the faucet.
"I said not now!"
From the other side of the door, I heard some murmurs. Him, I needed right now.
"Hey mate?" Came Sebastian's voice.
"You come in," I replied.
For a moment, I felt guilty for inferring that I didn't want to see Frankie right now. However, it's exactly what I meant. I was a wreck and as much as I love that boy, he has the ability to push me over the brink. He doesn’t mean it and I know it. Even still, I just need time.
”You alright?” Seb asked as he entered the bathroom with me.
”Yeah,” I lied.
”You don’t seem to be,” he replied back, causing me to look at him.
”I’m not,” I responded honestly as tears welled up in my eyes.
”Is there anything I can do?” asked Seb.
”I don’t think so,” I said with a shake of my head.
”She’d have been here by now,” I said as tears started to fall.
”Who?”
”You remember a few months ago when we got into that little fight on Twitter and I told you that maybe my problems had nothing to do with you?” I asked Seb, to which he only nodded.
”Certainly was not among our strongest moments as friends,” he said.
Chuckling lightly, I pulled a picture from the pocket of my shirt.
”What’s this?” he asked as I handed it to him before he followed me from the bathroom to the bedroom.
”Her name was Gracie,” I answered as I plopped myself down on the edge of the bed. He raised his eyes from the picture to look at me.
Things were good. I had left and sold OCW, Lauren was on her way out. I had made the decision that the XWF wasn’t right for me anymore and was on my way to deciding (though I hadn’t yet) to semi-retire from active wrestling. Lauren was off from OCW and had been having some female health issues so we decided to see a doctor.
”Hmm…” Dr. Jankovich said as she moved the imager thingy around on Lauren’s stomach.
”What is it Doc?” I asked from Lauren’s side.
”Is it a tumor? Lauren asked sort of facetiously.
”What the fuck? Why would you say that?”
”I bet it’s a tumor.”
”No,” said the doctor as she turned the screen around toward us.
”It’s not a tumor.”
For what seemed like hours but was more like seconds, Lauren and I just stared at the screen.
”Congratulations mom and dad!” she said as we stared at the screen in amazement.
”You’re about two months along.”
Leaving us for a few minutes, I looked at Lauren and she couldn’t take her eyes from the screen.
”She was conceived in early December,” I said to Sebastian.
”Gracie would be here right now.”
”I…” he said as he searched for words that would never come.
”This is supposed to be the happiest day of our lives,” I said to him.
”How can I be happy when our daughter isn’t here?”
”What happened?” he asked.
”Well, you know how Lauren can’t carry right?” I asked and Seb nodded.
”It didn’t stop her from being over the moon excited. Me? I was scared to death. I mean, I wasn’t scared of having another kid. God knows I want more. But… Lauren was pregnant before. They never lasted passed the first trimester.”
This day in May was like any other day. We woke up early, made breakfast for the kids and sent Frankie off to school. Lauren had an appointment so I took the day off work to go with her. When we first learned she was pregnant, I was scared because I knew her history. The days, weeks and months rolled by without issue and we were firmly into the second trimester. She was into her fifth month of pregnancy so we both started to get really excited. Lauren was finally gonna have her miracle baby.
Later that morning, we were in the doctor’s office and the nurse had spread that jelly all over Lauren’s belly. She had started doing some imaging but left abruptly.
”What’s her problem?” Lauren asked.
I didn’t say anything at the time. Instead, I masked my worry with a joke. She laughed, I forced one, then the doctor came in.
”Mr. And Mrs. Duke, how are we today?” she asked as she sat down.
”We’re great,” Lauren replied.
”That nurse needs to learn some bedside manners though. Bitch just walked the fuck out like we weren’t even here.”
”Well, let’s see what’s going on, shall we?” she said as she turned the monitor away from us and started to move the wand thingy over Lauren’s belly.
”Oh dear,” she said.
”What?”
”What is it?”
”Lauren, I’m very sorry,” she began.
”I couldn’t even say anything,” I said to Sebastian.
”The doctor just told us that our little girl didn’t make it and I just stood there frozen like a fuckin’ iceberg. My wife needed me and I stood there… and I did nothing, I said nothing.”
”Thad I’m so sorry,” he said as he sat the edge of the bed beside me.
”Why didn’t you guys ever tell us? We could’ve been there for you.”
”It’s not that easy to talk about,” I answered.
”You and Sloane had your own problems and as much as we could’ve used you both right then, we left you do your thing and figure out your own shit.”
”How did you guys handle it?” asked Sebastian.
”Not well,” I replied.
”I went into women and she went into the bottle.”
Seb says nothing.
”Neither of us knew how to make the pain stop.”
They aborted the pregnancy that day. Lauren curled up into the fetal position and cried as I stood against the wall, emotionless and stone-like with my arms folded in front of me.
”Sir?” the nurse says.
”I’m so sorry for your loss. We have some legal questions if you could just follow me.”
”Yeah,” I said quietly as I followed her to the nurses station.
”Sir, by law…” she began as she started asking different questions like maiden names and lineage.
”Her name?”
”Lauren,” I answered.
”You knew that.”
”The baby's name, sir,” she corrected herself.
”Does that matter?” I asked coldly.
”She was never born, therefore she can never die.”
”After 24 weeks, New York state law requires legal documentation of both birth and death records,” she informed me.
”And proper disposal.”
”Disposal,” I repeated with disgust evident.
”Like trash.”
”I’m sorry. That’s not how I meant it,” she said apologetically.
”Her name?”
”Gracie,” I answered.
”Gracie Lynn.”
Tears rolled down my cheeks as I recounted the story for Sebastian. He isn’t one to get too emotional, but this was different. He was my closest friend and he felt my pain. I’m not even sure if he knew it or that he meant to do it, but he started holding my hand.
”Seb, I never lost one before,” I told him.
”You know my kids are everything to me. And yeah, I knew the probability of Lauren carrying to term was minimal and I was scared at first. I never imagined it would hurt this bad. And as hard as it is for me, I can’t even imagine what it did to her.
“It’s all she’s ever wanted.”
”You won though,” Sebastian said.
”Something like that could have torn your marriage apart but you didn’t let it.”
”It almost did,” I told him honestly.
”I can use power, I can use influence or money to fix most things, Sebastian. But not this.”
I had answered every question I could. My head was pounding and my eyes ached as I made my way back into the room with Lauren. She laid still and made no sound other than a sniffle every now and then. I’m usually good at this stuff. If someone is hurting, I find a way to help them. This time, I was entirely helpless. I was not the man I needed to be in that moment.
Approaching her bedside, I knelt beside her and leaned my head against hers as she cried quietly. All I wanted to do was take all the pain away. From me, from her. I wished I could rewind the clock a few hours. The pain wouldn’t arrive and we’d still be expecting our little Gracie.
”Excuse me,” said the nurse from the doorway. I turned my head but said nothing.
”Mr. and Mrs. Duke, we wanted to see if you wanted a few minutes with Gracie.”
I couldn’t answer right away. At a little more than five months, I wasn’t sure how developed she was yet. I wasn’t sure if the lasting image seared into our memories should be something that only kind of resembled a human baby. Looking at Lauren, her eyes squeezed shut as she tried hard to hold in her tears. She must've sensed me looking at her, because she vigorously nodded her head.
”Yeah,” I said quietly.
Just a few moments later, they brought her in and laid her between us before quietly exiting the room. Laurens cries turned to audible wailing and again, I tried to wish it away. Instead, it was real. I have dealt with loss several times in my life as we all do. I wasn’t then, nor will I ever in the future, be prepared to say goodbye to my child.
Looking at our little Gracie, I was relieved that she looked more like a human baby than I thought she would. Life wasn’t fair. What did this unborn child do to deserve her fate? What I do know, is that her parents loved her more than life itself.
”Gracie,” Lauren muttered between sobs and sniffles.
”I wish I coulda met you, I think you woulda been the greatest daughter.”
Finally, I broke. Lauren doesn’t get so raw and genuine and emotional. I realize this is a special circumstance but I wasn’t prepared and it broke me. Gracie was very small, no more than about six inches in length. Even still, I held her tiny little hand in my fingers.
”Mommy and daddy love you, little one,” I began as tears streamed uncontrollably.
”We’ll find a way to remember you always.”
Lauren sobbed so hard she couldn’t breathe. I tried so hard to be what she needed but no matter what I did or would’ve done, what she needed was for Gracie to live and that’s not something I could give her.
”I’m not a spiritual person but if there’s anything after this, go find you gram-gram, Gracie,” I said in reference to my mother.
”She’ll take very good care of you.”
With Sebastian hanging off every word I said, his eyes and face were as soaked as my own.
”How did you do it?” has asked as he thought of the unimaginable heartbreak Lauren and I had gone through.
”How did you get past it?”
”We didn’t,” I answered.
”At least not entirely. Really it was Frankie that kicked me in the ass.”
”Are you sure he’s really two-teen?” Seb asked with a smile.
”He’s always so…”
”Intuitive?” I suggested.
”We didn’t tell him we were expecting. No one was gonna know until we hit six months.”
”How did he figure it out?”
”That sonogram you’re holding,” I replied.
”That and I was putting together a nursery for a little girl and Caty’s a bit big for a cradle.”
”What he do to you?” Seb asked.
”Called me on my bullshit,” I chuckled.
While night began to fall on Long Island, I sat upon the glider on the back porch watching from a distance as Lauren groomed her horse, Seabrisket. Yeah… Seabrisket. As I swayed back on forth, I spent my time texting a woman that wasn’t my wife. Her name will not be divulged to protect her privacy. She wasn’t the first during that period, but she would be the last. I’m not proud of it, nor should I be. I handle most things at least okay. Or, eventually anyway. This wasn’t one of those things.
Once we put Gracie to rest in the family crypt with my parents, I was withdrawn, quiet. Lauren didn’t express much of anything except her love of wine. She was kind to Frankie and the twins, but that was pretty much it. I’m not blaming her for what I was doing, that’s not on her, that’s on me entirely. That was my way of dealing with something so tragic instead of being with my wife who very obviously needed me.
I’m not the kind of guy that regrets many things. I’m a huge believer in a person's mistakes being a pivotal part of their makeup. I failed. Miserably. I regret what I was doing, big time. To her credit, she didn’t hold it against me. When we lost Gracie, we both reverted to versions of ourselves that neither of us liked very much.
”Hey,” Frankie says a bit coldly as the screen door slams behind him.
”What’s up kiddo?” I asked as he sat on the glider beside me.
”There’s things going on that I don’t like,” he cut right to the point.
”You noticed, huh?”
”When were you gonna tell me about this?” he asked as he showed me the sonogram picture.
”Where did you get that!?” I asked angrily.
”You’re not supposed…”
”And you’re not supposed to be sleeping with other women!” he shouted back.
Touche, kid. Touche.
With one sentence, he shuts me up entirely.
”I’ve known what you are for a long time, Dad,” he began.
”You always said you stopped doing that because you didn’t want your sons to grow up thinking that it’s acceptable behavior.”
He has my attention.
”Mom’s drinking a lot, you’re out doing God knows who and I’m left here trying to figure out what happened and why.”
”Frankie, it’s…”
”Mom lost the baby,” he interrupted.
My eyes teared up as he stared at me.
”Yeah she did,” I said with a nod.
”So instead of being here with her, you find any excuse for a business trip to go spend time with someone else,” he assumed at least mostly correctly.
”You guys didn’t even tell me. We could’ve helped each other because that’s what family does.”
”I’m sorry we didn’t tell you,” I began.
”We did a bad job of dealing with this.”
”That’s why you were building a nursery,” he said as he started to put all the pieces together in his head.
”Did you see her?”
I nodded as he teared up a little.
”Did you name her?”
”Gracie Lynn,” I answered him.
”That’s a great name,” Frankie said.
”Do you love Mom?”
”You know I do, Frank,” I replied to him.
”Then why?”
”I don’t know,” I answered… which admittedly is the absence of an answer.
”I don’t process loss well. Curtis, your grandma, Jim… It always felt like everyone was gonna leave me so I found comfort in people that wouldn’t leave me because there was nothing to leave. Does that make any sense to you?”
”I don’t know but,” he looks across the way toward the stables where Lauren is leading Seabrisket back inside for the night.
”She doesn’t seem to be leaving you.”
Grabbing him in a side headlock, I kissed him on the top of his head.
”You’re a better kid than I deserve,” I said as I let him go and started off toward my wife.
”I know.”
”That was it?” Seb asked me. To which I merely shrugged.
”So you stop whoring and she stops drinking and everything is good?”
”Little more to it than that,” I began.
”I just told her that I loved her. I loved Gracie and I missed her and I wished she was here. But we didn’t die with her. It was time to start living again.”
”Will you try again?” he asked.
”Uhhhh,” I thought about it some.
”I don’t know. Not any time soon, I don’t think. Losing Gracie was… fucking devastating man. I don’t think either of us are anywhere near ready to discuss that possibility again.”
”Daaad!” Frankie calls out, coming closer.
”Come here, I’ll help you,” I called back.
”I’ll be downstairs mate,” Seb said as he starts toward the bedroom door.
”Thanks for listening,” I said to him as he passed by me.
”I guess I just needed to talk about it.”
He shot me a wink as he exited and Frankie entered with his tie looking like…
”Get over here, Colonel Sanders,” I joked.
”Oh great, everyone’s got jokes,” he says as he plops down on my bed.
”Uncle Seb just asked me for a six piece!”
”Sit up, lemme look at you,” I instructed him.
Frankie sat up on the bed and I untied his bowtie.
”Bowties are stupid,” he protested.
”You taught me neckties and I got that down pretty good but this is like a tie gone pro!”
He continued his complaining as I fixed his tie in like fifteen seconds.
”There ya go, kid,” I said as I lightly smacked him on his cheek. Immediately he jumped to his feet and looked down.
”How the hell did you do that?”
Before answering him I put my hands on his shoulders and planted a kiss on his cheek.
”Ugggh gross!”
”Get used to it buddy,” I warned him.
”You’ll be my best man until the day I die.”
”But I thought Uncle Seb was your best man!?” his voice cracks as he panics.
”It’s my wedding, I’ll do what I want!” I joked.
”Besides… I can have more than one.”
”I need a speech!” his eyes grew wide as he panicked just a little harder.
”Quick! Who’s good with words!?”
”Relax.”
Oh I know who…
"Uncle Seb!” we said simultaneously.
”I’ll see you outside!” Frankie says as he bolts from the room.
Alone for a second, I let out a deep sigh and grabbed my tuxedo jacket. On the end table where Seb left it, rested the sonogram picture. Picking it up, I kiss it lightly and slide it into my breast pocket.
”Mommy and Daddy miss you baby girl.”
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