"Happy Holidays and Hello XWF Universe! Welcome to the Xtreme Wrestling Federations Saturday Solstice Christmas Extravaganza! I'm Pip Collins and I couldn't more excited to be here with you tonight at not only our year end Savage but the final Saturday Night Savage to air on XWF televisions. I'm joined of course by my lovely partner of the commentating table, Heather Halliwell!"

"Heather, looking festive as ever, I can tell you're excited at what we have in store for these fine people tonight!"

"Thank you Pip, and you couldn't be more right for once. I would be a little remiss however if I didn't say I was a little saddened by this being the last of Savage programming. It's a been a long time staple and quality show for the fans, a real backbone of our company and to see it go is a little....a little...."

"Heather, are you...are you crying?"

"It's just, it's an end of an era Pip! We've shared so many experiences together, seen so many historic moments at XWF on this show and to see it go is pulling a little on my heartstrings right now"

"Well we're not closing shop Heather. We're at a turning point here at XWF, a Solstice so to speak. Out with the old and in with new! We're going to share so many more experiences and moments at the XWF's newest program Weekend Warfare!"

"I know Pip, I know, it's just all catching up to me and....."

"And we're going to celebrate Savages history tonight with this Extravaganza! Going out in style and giving the fans a holiday gift only XWF can bring!"

"Oh my God, not nostalgic cameos and call backs to the Spirit of Savage past. I can't Pip..."

"Jesus fucking Christ Heather, pull it together...but anywho, speaking of gifts, we hope the fans haven't been naughty because we've got a special treat coming up next. A list that doesn't need checking twice because the gifts our first guest are surely to put a smile and win brownie points Christmas morning!"

"I don't know Pip. The XWF consumer is a very discerning and fastidious shopper. They won't take just any recommendation."

"No worries Heather! The lady we had put together this list always as her finger on the pulse on what's trending. A self made woman who's put her mark in every almost entertainment medium she's entered. She's her own brand Heather! A real power broker, an influencer...."

"Wait? A list of gifts?" At the end of the year? By a successful woman of the entertainment industry?"

"That's what I said Heather, lay off the egg nog we gotta whole lotta of show left."

"Holy shit Pip! Is Oprah unveiling her Favorite Things list tonight! On this show!"

"Better Heather! We got better than Oprah!"

"Who is more influential than Oprah?"

"It's not Oprah! Besides, after Relentless of 2021 and that little incident with Thaddeus Dukes, I don't think Op...it doesn't matter! We did better!"

"I don't know Pip. It's Oprah. Is this a Jenny Myst thing? I'd rather choke myself on cranberry sauce and egg nog to be honest...."

"I said influential Heather. I said she was game changer! A trend setter! She's headlined two of the businesses biggest shows in the Clash if Immortals and the Tara Fenix Charity Cruise and now everybody and their gerbil are throwing them!"

"I don't watch anything wrestling outside our own programming Pip. I'm a loyalist."

"Well we know you Netflix and Chill yourself every night Heather so you no doubt have seen her as the lead in multiple hit television shows and carried multiple major motion pictures! Actual shows, not two bit vanity segments during our broadcast."

"Definitely not Jenny Myst then."

"Exactly!" This lady helped bring about a whole new presentation style for wrestling and helped foster the success of Pro Wrestling Valor. She's a TIA calender girl! She's single handedly influenced a migratory shift in booking in many companies and we've gotten so many PPVs and tours in her home country! Hide Yamazaki Enterprises, CCPE, The Velvet Rabbit, WeAreSplat, Thaddeus Dukes production company....she's gotta claim in it all!"

"Yeah, we get it Pip. She's a female Midas and her existence makes the world better....you could have stopped at..."

I'm talking about Aphrodite Incarnate! The Goddess! Atara 'Got Oprah checking under own damn seat for a gift' Raven!"

"Well yippy ki-yay.....can't wait to see this list of favorite things...."

"Take it away Mrs. Raven!"

---

  Bookended by the powder coated evergreen branches of two heavily decorated fir trees is centered a mock holiday home. A frosted window sets framed in the dark wood interior of a log cabin stage with all the trappings of a warm and loving residence that have been meticulous placed as decor. In similar holiday fashion sets a table horizontally with all manner of XWF merchandise. It's a very Home Shopping Network aesthetic foretelling the coming proceedings
and the center piece of it all is of course, The Goddess.
   While not as wholesome as the setting around her, Atara Raven is dressed every bit as festive. A Santa inspired one-piece hugging her frame, the fat man's hat sat playfully atop her flowing mocha hair while black leather gloves kept hidden the slender fingers she would make heavy use of in her presentation. Curled Crimson lips had already parted into a soft smile as she peered from her temporary sanctuary into unseen cameras with trademark Aegean blue eyes that had always captivated the wrestling world every time she opened them.

"Thank you Pip, you are too kind. You are right, but too kind. My pussy does pop like the eh, like the fire. Like Yiayia's moussaka, you eat it if even if you no want it and loves it still because it's the best. It's a curse, ftou ftou, but what can I do eh?" Atara responded  joyfully. The honeyed rasp that was her voice was naturally coated in her native Mediterranean accent as the Goddess had long forgone trying to mask it for the sake of the viewers ears. Subtly shifting her eyes, it would seem Atara turned her attention from the hosts and focused on the viewers at home.

"Hello Doves and kalá Christoúgenna!" sauntering to the center of the table, Atara greeted the fans with her signature catch phrase and followed with Merry Christmas, unsurprisingly, in Atara's native Greek.
  "Tis the seasons of the giving and whose gifts are more beloved, more sought, most prized, than that of your Goddess? she posed with little pause for answer.

"That is right Doves, none." she put frankly.

"I know what you like. I know what you want. You need a special gift for thía, Atty knows what your thía wants. All the demo..all the demographics. All the trends and because this is the last Savage show ever, we have special deal on all the XWF Savage merch because eh... ella....we have to supplement income now that we are to carry the Warfares malakas now." fumbling around the table as she spoke, Atara's hands found whatever it was she was looking for and her hands rested on it until she was ready to present.
  "All these suggestions are things I personally use myself so you know they are quality. Greek made or Greek inspired because Atty only shops Greek...mostly but I will start with something comes handy during the Holidays season. For some it is a difficult time right now, specially for most wrestlers," rolling her eyes dismissively, Atara shook her head unsympathetic to the shit show most of her colleagues called lives.
  "Maybe you are blackship of the family, maybe you are unable to go higher than mediocre...what it's called now. Maybe your just Mid. Yeah, Mid. Maybe you are the uninteresting, over rated, repetitious stat sheet regurgitating try hard? Maybe you're just a fan of #1 best shitpaper, old white guy, derivative if not straight stolen self help philosophical bullshits. Well your Goddess as just thing." Atty concluded with a air hostess smile and lifted in her hands a fresh copy of.....


"Your Optimal Path.......straight to the toilet when the poops start turtling because if your in the Mark Flynn demo I am one hundo percent sure you're an engorged on cheese and grease constipated simp fatty from Florida. Those poops don't come often and trust me I know that feeling let me tell you." with a shrug Atara flippantly tossed the book to the floor or wherever and props herself on an elbow to look into the camera like she was about to drop some serious life advice.
  "When I was pregnant I couldn't skata to save my life, I'm talking about trying to push dry as fuck, ten day stale, and hard convenience store loukoumades out my butthole. I mean, I was drinking olive oils by the gallons, had James massaging my belly one minute and playing Mike Honcho the next, spreading my cheeks like a poop pirate and with a heave hoe on my assho....I think I even fist fought my perinatologists but anywho, long story short." Atty paused to dig her around for her cellphone and once in hand those gloved fingers tat tat tat'd across the screen in record setting speed. She would nod satisfied in whatever it was she had done, Atara hid the phone away and returned her attention back to camera.
  "Yeah, so long story short I go on Twitter about it right, and everybody is getting on the Atty Ass Jam topic when Yiayia Themis comes into the bathroom and throws an effin foot stool at my feet!" Atty exclaimed wide eyed at the screen in what appeared to be disbelief but not at the fact her grandmother had thrown something at a pregnant and defenseless squatting Atty.
   "Doves, I had no idea elevating your knees helped make pooping easier so now I'm always knees to chest on the toilet and it makes it so much quicker! I've eliminated minutes off my bathroom time, reduced the strain on my body, and empty more of my bowels with each trip. Thats some next level Yiayia Life Hack stuff. She showed me the optimal path and I wish there was book abou....ooooh right, right, right, right, the book. I'm rambling." she said disappearing behind the table and reappearing book in hand.
  "Honestly, the book is a good and inexpensive thrift store donation item. Highly unlikely it'll get picked up at Barnes & Noble because look that generic ass cover. ‘Se grafo sta palia mou ta papoutsia,  it isn't calling anyone's name, but what can you expect from a man that took a lifetime and decade long career to figure out what every philosopher from her to Japan has repeated for thousands of effin years already. I mean, you could find the same concepts in 5 minutes on a fucking inspirational Instagram quote, but Mark Flynn wouldn't know that because it probably didn't come in his online Google search marketing class." Atty gave it a final unimpressed glance over before shrugging and tossing it right back to the ground in exchange for the glossy yellow sheen of of her next gift idea.
 
"But! Speaking of quotes, that segways us to the next item on the Atty's Favorite Things list!"



"For that special malaka in your life who thinks himself important enough to be the most hated man is his company, but not really, who is about to have his whole world come crashing down this holiday season because he's been dropping duds and titles since 2014," pausing her pitch, Atty repeated the whole book toss with the Calender and planted her hands on the table. Aegean blue orbs stared into the camera in disbelief.
  "Like seriously guys, did you know Mark Flynn lost his tag team titles AND....and his what was it, elaaaa, Television title in the same effin week back before the birth of Christ. I mean, I would show a clip but I'm not gonna insult my product or my viewer by assuming it wasn't good enough or you weren't capable enough of retaining that information for a gazillion years. Maybe if it had just happened a few months ago at a major PPV. Ya know, like Relentless. Were Mark Flynn lost. But anywho, talk about a fucking choke artist, that was enough of a doozy to trigger even my non existent gag reflex snd Doves.. my throat game is the stuff of legend. Like every other day I got a fling coming to me like, Hey Att, We smashed, remember? I mean right on Twitter and everything like it's a cot damn achievement badge and I'm like whooooa....." Atty gave an exaggerated whoa and slow done gesture with her arms.
  "...I don't bring that shit up at your front door sweety. I'm married now, this is Slut Era Atty. The past is the past and people change. It's not an effin W/L record to flex about. You don't need that memory to boost the ego nor does my husband appreciate you casually dropping the sex convo on me on Twitter! If you need a boost, I got just the thing," frantically Atty sputtered around and retrieved the thrown calender.
  "Get this awesome inspirational calender from the XWF. It features quotes from the King of the Mid-Carders Mark Flynn. It's got all the hits he uses to remind himself he can achieve anything because he's done the imaginable to achieve everything!" She paused and flipped open the calender reading aloud.
  "Like this masterpiece of self validation for June, I threw my friend through an electrical box!."

She flipped the page again.

"And this one for September, I threw my best friend through an electrical box! And this one for the next month, I threw my best friend through an electrical box! I mean, there is so many good ones but my personal favorite is..... Atty thumbed through the rest of the pages quickly before again tossing it over her shoulder.
  "MARK FLYNN DON'T GOT NO DICK!"
  There was an extended pause as stood arms wide and jaw dropped in exaggerated disbelief.
  "Like seriously, how the eff are we not talking about this! This Malaka is suppose to be the baddest mother effin trash talker on the roster, a former Federweight Champion....by the way an accolade I also have claim to....but he actually beat the guy the belt was named after! Mark Flynn, King Ding-A-Ling of the pissing contest! The yard stick by which all Dick measuring contest are compared! And he comes to the fight without the actual effin tool!" she exclaimed still obvious shock.
  "I'm not yanking your...um...Your chain about this either. It's by his own admission, I forget the promo but he definitely said he was eunuch which is kind of admirable being this is one of the most testosterone filled misogynistic rosters in wrestling, but in the spirit of trash talk he hand delivered us dick joke gold! Or rather a fucking clown that stole his crotch honk honk horn."
  "Yes, I said clown. Mark Flynn was McEffin robbed of his dollar menu McNuggets by Ronald McDonald and we've just glossed over that fact for months now. Like, the most dick Flynn has held in his hands was when he faced Dick Powers and like a prepubescent boy just discovering his penis, he beat old dick to death. Believe me, we all know, because Flynn hasn't let us forget in each of his masturbatory trash monologues. So I thought to myself, it makes sense Mark wants everyone to emulate him and follow his Optimal Path bullshit...it means having your genitals cut off so he's not alone!" Atty said stopping for a breathe and to chop at her crotch for emphasis.
   "I mean, I guess the Optimal Path ripped off some naked yogi dick twisting eliminate the vices bullshit but don't worry XWF! Atty has you covered this Christmas! I know how much you pride yourselves in your masculinity and you don't have to be an ornery old dickless twat like Flynn! Just wait til you find your very own Big Black...." Atty dipped behind the table again only to reappear seconds later with an ecstatic smile and holding in her hands.


"COLANDER!" doing her best Vanna White or Price Is Right girl impression, Atara twisted and turned the colander for the viewers perusing.

"Now I know what you're thinking Doves. How is a colander, a common kitchen item going to prevent my péos from being cut off?" she paused for effect.
  "It won't, not literally anyway, but since my opponent can only swing a metaphorical dick to garner those coveted haha promo points and everyone thinks their metaphorical dick is the size of a tree! A colander is the perfect gift to prevent those serial dick thieving crotch goblins from showing up to steal what you hold most precious. Especially a Universal Title if that's your replacement phallic symbol of male vitality!" Atty paused again to Price is Right her colander before setting it down.
  "We have a Christmas tradition in Greece you see, where a colander is set out at night to prevent a creature we call the Kallikantzaroi from causing all kinds of mischief and havoc. There are all kinds and with different names and traits but to protect yourself you place this colander at your door step. These little demons are stupid you see and consider the number three holy. So they get caught up trying to count the holes of the colander and always stop at two because if they reach three....poof! They die." Atty stopped and placed a finger on her lips and gave a seemingly in thought expression.
   "That's a lot like wrestling actually. Three means poof. Actually no, no, this gift idea is no longer available and I'm keeping it for myself. Flynn's crotch is gone already anyways...sooooo for my final gift idea," fidgeting around the table, Atara repositioned a plethora of items before spinning round a laptop for all to see. On the screen in all it's glory was Atara's XWF profile page

"This is for Flynn specifically. The most viewed and traffic generating roster page on the XWF website. All things Atty. All the little facts and tidbits he likes to proudly claim he troubled himself to dig up all packaged into aesthetic perfection for his browsing. Every win, every loss, every title, every accolade. Divided by show, by company, an almost complete dossier of my career for him to pick apart. The same information that's been there for everyone, almost as if I wanted someone to put all their focus there. I'm really hoping you make use of it Dove. Don't be another crotch goblin focused solely on my poulaka....because I'm bringing the colander this Christmas and you'll be the idiot I get to three." Atara's voice trailed off and she mouthed poof for dramatic effect before going bubbly again.

"Back to you Pip!"

---

The scene transitions back to the studio booth Pip and Heather are sitting, both visibly stunned not having expected fully what they saw. A few moments pass before Pip begins to stammer.

"Um...well that was certainly interesting. Not exactly what I thought...."

"How does Flynn pee Pip?!?"

"You know what Heather, let's not get into that right now. This is our Holiday Farewell so let's get into our next segment. We've seen a lot of in promos during the course of Savage's run and one theme we never get enough of is the Game show set up."

"No seriously Pip, like does he squat. Does he use one of those pee...."

"Goddamit Heather!"

"What?! I want to know!"

"Just segway us into this fucking game show thing please...."

"Ok...ok....whatever Mr. Grinch. Next up, we have a gameshow inspired bit with a special Saturday Night Savage persona playing host in what we're calling....."

NAME THAT UNIVERSAL CHAMPION!

---

Scene transitions to a Jeopardish type setting all Christmas themed and stuff with the one and only Atticus Black at the famous podium.

Welcome ladies and gentleman, children, aliens, wizards, animals, non sentient but somehow sentient vehicles, space clowns, time travellers, potheads, meth heads, big heads, and no heads, and and the dickless to Name That Universal Champion with me, former General Manager of a once decent fucking show now getting canceled surprise surprise under the Championship reign of Mark fucking Flynn, your host Atticus Gold!"
  "In Saturday Night Savages illustrious history we've seen quite a many Universal Champions come and go through the years. Some of the best performances of wrestling in the ring and outside. It's with a saddened heart I, possibly the best GM the brand ever seen watch it go, but tonight we revisit those historic Champions that graced the Savage ring by way of a quiz a show and who better to quiz on the history of that title than the XWF's very own history fluff.....er...buff. And the current challenger for the Universal Title....


A more conservatively dressed Atara smiled from her lone podium jeopardy styled podium. Sweat beads could see. Across her face from a hastened wardrobe change due to Pip and Heather's fuck up of the whole stage transition, whatever TV calls it change.

"Yasas Atticus, I'm so glad to be here!"

"The pleasure is all mine darling. Now as you know all the questions you'll be asked tonight pertain to the Universal Title and only the Universal Title.  You'll be asked questions about past and current champions and if at the end of the night you have answer half or more of them right a special fan will receive a prize to be announced at the end of this show. Are you ready?"

"Of course Dove! Fire away!"

"Alright, this first set of questions will pertain to the current Universal Champion Mark Flynn and only Flynn. Question One....

Mark Flynn has won one of these....

"A MATCH!"

"Correct! Very good!"

Atty jumps and down in mock glee clapping over enthusiastically.

"Next Question, Mark Flynn during his XWF has lost one of these?"

"A MATCH!"

"Bloody Hell, you're off to a good start"

Atty repeats her Katy Perry Sesame Street SNL schtick

"True or false, Mark Flynn has died and came back to life?"

"TRUE!"

"True or False, Mark Flynn is a self confessed former drug addict?

"TRUE!"

["True or False, Mark Flynn has done in his promo a choose your own style theme, rpg game?"[/gold]

"TRUE!"

"Tickle my titties woman! You're getting that s fan a prize most definitely! Next Question! Mark Flynn used a divisive and overly political soundboard best friend that died both in his promo work and in the ring?"

"TRUE!"

True or False, Mark Flynn is or was allegedly apart of some super secret government bullshit?"

"TRUE!"

"Holy shit Atara, we may have to skip this round and advance to the harder stuff! Are you ready for round 2?"

"TRUE! I mean Yes!"

"Well we won't keep you and the fans waiting! For round two, let me introduce another former Savage GM and my replacement. ATTICUS WHITE!" Atticus Black introduces his replacement for the second to the grand sound of a single solitary clapping Grecian Goddess.

"Alright Atty, this next round of questions pertains to all Universal Champions. Are you ready?"

"You bet Dove! We miss you!

"I'm sure you don't, but anyways. This Universal has won a match?"

"Mark Flynn!"

"Correct, but we would have accepted any Universal Champions name. Next Question, this Universal Champion has lost a match?"

"Um....Mark...Flynn?"

"Correct again Atty! But, we would have accepted any Universal Champions name again. Next Question, this Universal Champion has died and returned in some fashion?"

"Ummm...uuuuh...any of them?"

"Ooof wrong. We were looking for Universal Soldier, The Engineer/Corey Smith, and or Alias.

"Wait...what?"

"This Universal Champion is a self confessed former drug addict?"

"Uuuuh...uuuuh....um, Mark Flynn?"

"Wrong again! The answer we were looking for was Shawn Warstein. You really should have nailed that one.

"I....I....don't want to play this game anymore."

"Tough shit toots, it's the bed you made and we're rolling with it. This Universal Champion used a choose your own style adventure rog theme in his promo?"

"Anny....any of the..."

"Wrong again! We were looking for Alias specifically! Pick it up Atty, your falling short as you typically do when it comes to the Uni title"

"That's kinda...that's kinda hurtful, this my prom..."

"THIS Universal Champion and I'll give you a hint, you faced them, had a divisive overly political soundboard best friend that died in his or her promo and ring work?"

"OH OH! I know THIS ONE! THE ENGINEE"

"WRONG! No wait...The Engineer is right. Good job.[ Alright, you should see were this going Atty. Final question, and for the win. This Universal Champion is or was allegedly apart of some super secret government bullshit and a hint.

Ya fucked him"
"Oh that's easy. Thaddeus."

[Yellow]"Ding ding ding! CONGRATS ATTY! Atticus Gold, get out here and tell that special fan what he's won!

An ecstatic Atty is once jumping and clapping in glee has confetti and balloons fall around and from the Atticus Black, another GM of the now defunct Savage product comes out the back microphone in hand.

"Congratulations goes out to one Joseph Montouri...Monteeri, Mounty, whatever. Thanks to your favorite XWF starlet you have won the realization that like you, Mark Flynn is the most derivative, unimaginative, overrated, last week's news regurgitating title holder in the history of wrestling! That like you whole ass brands fold around him because contrary to his bullshit he's carrying absolutely notta goddamn thing!

Before Atticus Gold can finish Atty approaches and snatches the mic

"You're so welcome J. Mont for 15 more minutes but seriously Mark Flynn. Your absolutely delusional if you think anything you've experienced is anything different that 88% of wrestlers in existence or that gives you anykind of competitive edge. I've lived through an economic collapse, being a foreigner in a country in a time it wasn't a good idea to be a foreigner in that nation and have sat through countless Mark Flynn ESPN statistic promos."

"I mean let's face it, you only got that belt off Raion because he went through me first and got a little more than he thought he was gonna get. Just like you're gonna a little more than you expect and honestly it still isn't gonna be my best effort. I'm a wife, I'm a mother, I'm a global fucking commodity Dove and even with all the distractions I'm a threat to each and every person across from me each and every time I step in the ring.

You know I'm a threat and you're sweating your dickless nutsack off right now hoping you got enough in the tank to scissor sister with Atty! Well I hope you do because it's the last Savage in history and these fans deserve one good showing from you before you tank the rest of this company.

---