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Vita Frickin Valenteen · (03-08-2022)

"Okay, so before we get going, I need to explain something real quick. First off, I'm Vita Valenteen, and I'm a vampire! I've never been shy about sharing that little detail about myself, and why should I? It's not like what happened to me didn't happen in front of millions of viewers at home. Besides, when you're totally higher on the food chain, it's definitely good sportsmanship to let everyone know just how FUBAR'ed they really are if they don't properly prepare, but OH NO! The "world's greatest life coach", general manager of Anarchy, and overall pain in the butt, Sarah Lacklan, has taken a special interest in me. In fact, she's acting downright nice and I don't trust her one bit!"

"Water under the helicopter!?"

(One of the many low-key digs Sar took at ANARCHY!)

"Sometimes words can cut like a knife..."

"N-E-WAYZ!!"

"As I said, Sar has taken an interest, and right now, for me, I feel like this all spells trouble! I can't NOT listen to the boss, I mean unless she asks me to do something horrible like permanently disfiguring Alex at Savage! What the HECK was up with THAT anyway!? Even if I didn't TOTALLY hate, er, I mean DISTRUST Sar, why would I EVER do such a thing to ANYONE!?"

"I'm here to WRESTLE!"

"AND THAT'S why I totally didn't agree with Sar when she told me how she thought that I might have an image problem! So when she asked me to meet with one of her PR reps I told her NO WAY! I don't have time to worry about image, I need to train! Okay, I don't actually since I'm totally a vampire and stay at the peak of my physical ability, so long as I stay well fed! I just REALLY don't wanna!"

"She told me that I didn't "AXLY" have a choice... I left a "VV is the real Anarchy Champ" shirt inside of her desk just to remind her that we have unfinished business!!"

The Day After ANARCHY!

The scene opens late at night, just outside of a wrestler's favorite spot, a Waffle House! Inside, a dark-haired woman sits alone in a booth sipping coffee and looking through a file of some sorts as the waitress, a whale of a woman named Peggy interrupts with a very disinterested monotone.

"Is something wrong with the coffee?"

The dark-haired woman looks up from her files with a friendly smile.

"O-M-G! That's actually supposed to be coffee? I thought that you may have accidentally filled my cup with swamp water or something!"

A deceivingly friendly smile it would seem.

"But to answer your question, no. I've already Door Dashed a Frappuccino from Starbucks!"

Disinterest quickly becomes defensiveness!

"Well, you can't drink it in here! So if you aren't ordering-"

Just our dark-haired mystery woman spots Vita Valenteen entering. She lights up, waving her arm to get Vita's attention.

"Vita! Over here!"

Vita reluctantly heads towards the booth as our mystery woman directs her attention back to Peggy.

"She'll have your finest steak, uncooked!"

Peggy rolls her eyes before jotting down the order.

"And to drink?"

Our mystery woman takes pause on the question, not knowing what a vampire might drink, well, besides the obvious!

"Can you, maybe put the blood from the steam in a cup?"

Peggy raises an eyebrow at the request, before responding in a sarcastic tone.

"Sure honey, would that be with or without ice?"

She thinks about it for a moment and before she knows it, Vita's at the booth.

"Oh! Perfect! Vita, would you like your cow's blood warm or chilled?"

Vita looks like a dear caught in headlights having been ambushed by such an odd question from someone she didn't even know!

"Uh.... Pepsi is fine."

But Peggy didn't agree.

"We only have Coke!"

Fortunately, Vita didn't actually care.

"Coke's fine, thanks!"

She said, having not taken her eyes off of our mystery guest. Peggy finishes jotting down the order and leaves as the mystery woman stands to finally introduce herself.

"Coke huh?" Jami asked with inquisitive eyes. "I didn't realize that you could drink soda. Still, you should make that a diet. Vampires DO have metabolisms right? You won't always look like that, will you?"

Flabergasted by the abrupt rudeness, Vita doesn't know what to say. Good thing Jami wasn't actually looking for any sort of response.

"Oh My Gosh!! Where are my manners?! She says through a deceptively sweet giggle. "Hi, I'm Jami! Jami Ava Piper! As I'm sure Sar has already fully briefed you, she's hired ME to completely makeover YOUR image! After all, you are her FAVORITE to win this new tournament of hers which means that you may be prominently representing the brand for a long time to come, BUT!! If that were to happen, we simply couldn't allow you to continue to release these... Oh... Um... Let me check my notes!"

Jami flips through some papers in her folder until she comes across a cute pink sticky note.

"Ah-ha! "Super gross attacks on the mentally handicapped"!

Vita stands there, staring a hole through Jami, and overall hating her life right now.

"Well, go on, take a seat! We OBVIOUSLY have TONS to discuss!"

Begrudgingly, Vita does as she's asked and sits across from Jami, choosing to keep her silence, for now.

"Sooooo, looking over some of the notes that were put together for me. The very first thing that we need to discuss is your attire!"

"My attire?"

"Yeah, it's not very in line with the whole vampire thing you have going on. Pink and black? Hearts and stars? Sar says that if you're going to be a vampire, you need to REALLY embrace what it is to be a vampire!"

Vita shakes her head.

"I don't let the vampire stuff define me! Just because I'm a blood-sucking creature of the night, doesn't mean that I'm not still Vita Valenteen! And I don't need coffins and bats on my gear to make me a better wrestler!"

Jami doesn't seem very impressed with Vita's argument.

"Yeah, well unfortunately the paying customers of the XWF don't see it that way, and right now you're just confusing them, Sar thinks that's maybe why you feel the need to tell everyone that you're a vampire. So, sorry, but I'm gonna have to draw a hard line on this. Either you stop being a vampire, or we're changing your image to match!"

Vita seems pretty ticked by the suggestion.

"I can't just STOP being a vampire!"

"Oh!!? That SUCKS! BUT! At least I didn't completely waste my weekend personally ensuring that Junie-baby had these worked up in time!"

Jami produces artwork for six possible costumes.

Vita hesitates but eventually looks them over, not seeming too impressed with the choices. She looks up to Jami who's just overall looking super cheerful.

"Uh, I don't think any of these really fit me."

"What!? These designs come from the highly sought-after designer, Jun Takahashi, along with a little personal touch from myself, I made sure he kept them super cute! You should have seen some of the designs that I rejected! One actually had batwings! BATWINGS! Can you believe it?"

That name means nothing to Vita, nor does the batwings.

"I'm sure that the two of you worked REALLY hard on them too, but these clothes TOTALLY aren't me! SO!! I think I'll just stick to what I've been wearing, thank you very much!"

Jami nods as she folds the artwork up and places it back into the folder.

"I agree, the Capris are probably the best pick considering all of those high-flying moves you perform! Sar hates those by the way, so I'm supposed to tell you to knock it off, but you strike me as the type that's going to experience growing pains so Capris it is! We don't want any wrestling perverts like that Tommy Wish looking up your skirt every time that you flippy through the air, now do we?"

The look on Vita's face says it all.

WTF?

"Yeah, I guess not. Okay, now that I have ugly new gear, is that all? If you haven't noticed, I'm working more than just Anarchy. I have Alex Minett-Vega-Yin at Savage on the 12th, and I just found out that Morbid Angel is returning to Warfare on 16th to face ME! SO um, yeah, if we're done here!?"

Vita stands and begins to scoot out of the booth, but with a cheerful smile, Jami places her hand over Vita's.

"We're not done at all! Please, sit back down! WE have lots to discuss!"

Vita considers her options. What's the worst that could happen if she just dips out of here? Sarah gets mad? Good! Let Sarah get mad! Maybe she'll step out of the office and into the ring where Vita can finally get her revenge!

That's when it hits her.

"Oh my God..."

Vita sits back down as she begins to self-reflect.

"I'm acting like the villain, aren't I?"

"Oh honey, trust me, I've dealt with FAR worse! You're actually pretty easy to get along with!"

Of course, Jami doesn't know that Vita is actually talking about her hate for Sarah Lacklan, and refusal to let go of that and afford her the opportunity to even TRY to change that opinion.

It's just then that Peggy slams a plate of bloody steak on the table. Red juices fly, and some of it splatters on Jami's shirt! Horrified, Jami begins to berate Peggy. She calls her every name in the book. She makes fun of her hair, her face, the lack of makeup, her dry cracked, and callused hands, and of course, her weight. Vita is horrified and wants to say something, but she can't, can she? Peggy tries to argue back, but that just causes Jami to go into full-blown Karren mode and threaten to buy the place just to fire her!

"Uh, Jami, it was an accident!"

Peggy disappears into the back nearly in tears as Jami barks at Vita.

"It's not "just a shirt"! You stupid cow! This is a $300 LaMaire and I just know that I'll never be able to get this blood out of it!"

Jami desperately brushes at her blouse with a fist full of napkins. Getting nowhere fast, Jami excuses herself to the restroom. Now, Vita is pretty darn rich thanks to good investments and totally legal gambling, and even she thinks $300 for a blouse is insane!

Vita picks at the raw steak, letting it flop back onto the plate with a slimy splash. That's when she notices the army of XWF camera drones buzzing just outside.

"Oh yeah, I always forget that those are there."

Well, if she has to be stuck here, might as well kill two birds with one stone!

Vita Valenteen - vs - Morbid Angel

DOUBLE CRAP!

"Okay, when I decided to start working every show, I knew that it wouldn't be easy, but Morbid Angel? And!! Just a day before I'm set to meet Ruby in the second round of the PLUMP PIGEON TOURNAMENT! But I'm not scared!"

Vita clenches her fist in fierce determination! But this gives way to doubt!

"Well, maybe a little! The last time we saw Morbid Angel in the XWF, he was beginning to resort to his old ways. Fortunately, I don't have the appropriate parts to worry about Morbid making any jewelry from my body, assuming that he's into that sorta thing again, because really, who knows? Last I heard, everything was going south and Morbid was clueless as to what to do about it. That was like four months ago. What has Morbid been up to since? I think I remember seeing something online about him settling into his backup career as a mortician. God knows how charismatic he can be, literally! He'd probably make a fantastic funeral director, right up until the point that he greets the grieving family with daddy's penis tied around his neck and reveals that they've all been eating his intestines or something."

"Okay yeah, I'm pretty frickin terrified right now! Why shouldn't I be!? He's 6'10!! That's 20 inches taller than me! Just think about that reach and the fact that Morbid is, like REALLY strong, and SUPER brutal! Of course, he's not as strong as Calvary, who I totally pierced the flesh of with my fangs, and good God, the surge of power I felt when his alien blood entered my being! Sorry, that's the best way that I can describe it without mentioning how people are literally my FOOD!"

"Uh, anyways!"

"I do want to apologize for that! I TOTALLY still have some work to do on my self-control, but the more damage I take, the harder it becomes, SO!! Take that as a compliment for how STRONG of a competitor YOU were! And uh, thanks for the totally not creepy blood plant!"

"Ugh! Focus Vita! What's the point!? There needs to be a point!"

Vita huffs before thinking about it pretty hard.

"I guess the point is, my life is pretty frickin CRAZY! Uncontrollable bloodlust, meddling GMs and their awful awful PR reps, misguided "Vampyre Slayerz", and of course, the TOTALLY BIASED opinions of most people upon finding out that I'm an undead sukkubus, and yeah, I know what that actually means, but THEY don't and that's kinda the POINT!!"

Vita looks exhausted just talking about it, but that gives way to

"FOCUS"

And so she does!

Begrudgingly, because Sar, damn it!

"And while Every.Single.Bit of that mess SUUUUUUUCKS so frickin HARD!"

"BUT!!"

"When I enter the ring, all that crap fades into the background and I am only focused on one thing, finding a way to overcome the newest challenge placed in front of me! And while Morbid Angel is DEFINITELY quite the challenge just given his sheer size and power, he's also just a little, uh... Unhinged? I mean, COME ON!"

"THE DUDE COLLECTED HUMAN PENISES!"

"ANY PENISES!!??"

"WHO DOES THAT!?"

"Not someone that is going to consider your best interest AT ALL! I've already been set ablaze by one of the XWF's resident CRAZIES, and then TK expected me to team up with him!"

"YEAH, RIGHT!"

"Besides, even if I could just let that go, Vita Valenteen and Charlie Nickles would be a worse pairing than MasterMind and... Uh, I forget the other guy, that's how unremarkable they were, but I do know they blew it against The Bastards and kickstarted the rise of the most OVER-INFLATED EGOS this side of New BOB, and that terrible tragedy led to Double-M walking away from the XWF from a broken heart and frickin Christchurch couldn't even break that man's spirits!"

That seems heelish to say!

"But Kyrill sure did! No wonder the "Monster" is coming back!"

Something suddenly strikes Vita as her eyes light up with curiosity.

"You guys ever notice that whenever these big scary monsters work themselves into a corner, they always flip the script on who and what they are, some of them like a million times per promo and thrice per match!"

"They don't seem to win very much. Ever wonder why that is? I think that it's because these guys aren't athletes, right? Like, I mean that's pretty obvious, yeah? Look at me!"

Vita steps back from the camera to get a good view of her small and unremarkable 5'2 frame.

"I'm definitely not a "gimmick", or at least, I wasn't pre-vampirism."

Vita giggles nervously!

"The point? Uh... Oh yeah! Morbid Angel isn't a wrestler! He's not a competitor, and he's darned sure not an athlete! He's a whack job who likes to inflict his will onto others, whether that's inside of a ring or a holy circle! Yeah, he gets by pretty well in the XWF, though you've gotta admit, most of that glory dates back to a time not so oft mentioned in modern-day XWF, which might also explain why Morbid hasn't really been around. Maybe there's just not any demand for the poor guy! Me!? I'm a trained wrestler, and my sole goal inside the ropes is simple WIN, and I'm always looking for my opportunity to strike! Eat Defeat? I'm exceptionally quick, I can hit that from outta nowhere!! The Rings of Vita!? No way you survive if I lock in my signature submission maneuver! What's that? you've got me scouted? Been practicing your counters? Working the gym? Getting strong? Getting fast? Getting... Good?"

"I SERIOUSLY doubt it! More likely, you're continuing to do the same thing you always do TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD CHURCH ANYTHING WHO CARES!?"

"I certainly don't!"

"I only care about getting the W, and trying to stay in one piece doing it!!"

"Thank God(?) for vampire regeneration!!"

Vita frumps.

"Oh... No, I guess not, huh? God is the light, and I am the dark... But I'm definitely-totally good, and you're super obviously SUPER EVIL, and you represent God or did, and hold, or held power in the church. So is God the heel?"

Vita's worked herself into confusion +3!!

She shakes it off!!!

"You know what, screw it! It doesn't matter!"

"Good?"

"Bad?"

"I'm the girl with the guns!"

"And they're aimed squarely at YOU!"

Vita flexes on him, but her serious face quickly gives way to a goofy grin as she wonders how many will tune in on the inspiration of that line? Anyway, I'm sure they'll tighten that shot up in post...

"OH MY GOD!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?" Jami screeches from just outside the restroom door!

"Just wrapping up my promo!"

Jami turns flush with anger and begins berating Vita! How could she! She's ruined everything! This is a PR nightmare! She really lays into her good, maybe worse than Peggy earlier. Vita takes it all pretty well.

Until she doesn't!

Vita pulls herself away from Jami with fear in her eyes. Frantically, she checks Jami's pulse. Faint, but she's still alive! First, it was Sar's carrier pigeon Grenadine, now one of her PR reps!

That's when Peggy who quietly watched it all go down, chimes in.

"Don't fret hun, I won't say anything if you don't."

Vita slowly looks back at Peggy in sorta a daze, but still aware enough to shoot her a WTF look.

"What? She was kinda a cunt. Just lock the door, clean that mess up, and get out of here before I come back from the crapper!"

How will Vita deal with this latest blunder? Find out NEXT TIME!

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