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"The Wolf of Afghanistan" Joshua Schuler · (06-10-2017)

"Living for the Perished Pt. III"

Continued from Living for the Perished Pt. II...

In the “Groucho” (term used to describe the uncomfortable maneuvering while under contact or at the ready with the intent of contact) stance with my .357 boot gun drawn I creep to the backside of my still. Entering a thicket of briar and thorn patches I make my way around to the left side of where I heard the noise. Once in place, I take a tactical knee with my pistol aiming forward finger straight and off the trigger, much like I had been trained almost a decade ago. The camcorder is still in my free hand still recording every bit of branch and pickers to smack the lens. Suddenly I begin to chuckle lightly to myself as I lower my pistol. Tucking it gently back into my boot with a smile I raise the camcorder to view my handsome grizzly smile.

“Damn I think the shine might be taking a toll War Hog’s this shit is getting ridiculous. I remember a time I could down gallons of this stuff from the hills of North Carolina, yeah that real dragon’s breath. Now this shit has me thinking I’m in a warzone for fucks sake. The intruder was just the ball and chain, don’t know how the fuck she stumbled upon my personal still, lets check it out. Don’t worry she won’t get crazy or nothing with the camera rolling we should be clear from any attack.”

Winking into the camera I inhale a quick breath of air though my nostrils before rising from the kneeling and emerging from the bush. Kensey my ball and chain jumps almost spilling her mixed drink all over herself. Instead she quickly reacts with drunkenjitsu reflexes and dodges the tsunami of booze. Thinking to myself that right there is why I love to stick my penis inside her. If I hadn’t already indulged in enough booze to give me whiskey dick I would be heading to pound town most likely on camera in front of the whole XWF Universe. Luckily that isn’t the case and everyone doesn’t bare witness to my bear ass!

No instead I just smile largely and throw the shaka hand signal to the best lady the universe could send me.

“Damn doll face you sure have some ninja like skills maybe I could get you into the XWF.”

My tone is very humorous and friendly as I grab her hand firmly letting her know I really didn’t mean to startle her. She quickly and kind of viciously jerks her hand from mine and gives me a scowl I’ve never yet triggered before now. Fuck I really might of screwed up good this time, like no sex screwed up.

Kensey Kane: “Hahaha, very funny smart ass, maybe I should have my first match here and now against a bearded chump!”

Her words cut deep she knows how prideful I am of my magnificent and glorious man fur. Instantly I begin to stroke my beard hard, kind of like most of the XWF likes to stroke their ego. Firmly and consistent my free hand rakes through the thick and smooth facial hair covering my chin and cheeks like a dense evergreen forest.

“Damn booboo kitty fuck why you have to throw insults like Steve Davids?”

Kensey Kane: “Who the fuck is Steve Davids, never mind that, why the hell aren’t you out around the fire, this is your party. Everyone keeps asking about you and shit, plus I have no idea who anyone is and don’t really feel the most comfortable all alone.”

“Seriously babe you smoke too much bud or really could careless about my wrestling career. Steve Davids is one of my opponents in the ladder match at High Stakes II. Fucking shit on a dick woman, please, just once pay attention to what is going on in my life. Damn that is all a motherfucker is asking. This match is important for us. Once I show the KingSlayer this match isn’t just about the money and every match to me is about the WAR! I will be glad to join you and everyone else that gracefully blessed us with their fucking presence. Even though most the shitheads are probably here for the free booze.”

Kensey Kane: “Well if you are hanging out here for a little while I will wait with. I was just thinking maybe your fans and everyone else in the XWF Universe or whatever you guys are calling it would like to join the party? Not that sitting in the nastiest part of the field, alone and drinking in the dark, isn’t a good place to celebrate the life of the perished or anything!”

Very cutesy like and hard not to want to choke the shit out off Kensey jumps up and wraps her arms around my neck giving me a hanging hug like my own little chimpanzee. This lady really knows how to tickle my feelings. Grabbing her by the waist I hoist her up allowing her to wrap her delicious thighs around my waist. I smile, enjoying every minute.

“Yet I am the one who you refer to as the smartass. Maybe my smartassism was a development from being around you? Kidding, kidding, please don’t cause injury before my first PPV since my return. I have a feeling my soon to be good friend Steve Davids wouldn’t appreciate that very much, since Charon is staying hidden and may not show. Perhaps he believes he is just above speaking to two warrior class men like Davids and myself? You know what you’re right lets show the XWF how we have field parties around here!”

Licking my lips while secretly sliding my hands to Kensey’s thighs, I apply just enough pressure to release my waist from her octopus legs. One of my hands then unclasps her fingers from locking her arms around my neck. Quickly before she can complain my lips meet hers even though she most likely didn’t want a kiss on camera. In between speaking I rotate the camcorder to face who ever is speaking now that we are separated like conjoined twins post surgery. Noticing Kensey’s mouth opening take a step back knowing I am about to catch a chew session.

Kensey Kane: “Now please don’t make me laugh, you maybe a soft little bitch to me. But if any of your opponents are to believe that they really are going to have a rough time in the ring. Babe I bust your balls, but you are a fucking Marine, you are the Ultimate Badass, no other military leaders want Marines to enter the battlefield. Charon obviously is just a scared little pussy and knows he is stepping in between two bloodthirsty fighters! Not that I know the KingSlayer or what he is about, but the way my Fluffy Wuffy speaks about him he must have a killers instinct. That only means more of a violent, chaotic, and destructive match up. Three things XWF’s Xtreme Marine, Bearded Mother Fuckin War Pig was born to thrive in. Sorry babe if I am crossing the line it is just not little dick fuck boy should believe he is above speaking to my badass Marine!”

A teeny tiny bit irritated I begin to walk back toward the party with Kensey quickly on my heels, mainly roughly filming her trying to keep up in her drunken state. Stopping dead in my tracks without a single hint, Kensey walks dead smack into my backside, which makes me chuckle out loud. I turn toward her with a smile and jokingly go off on her.

“Wow! Way to go! Make me sound like some soft ass, women feelings having little bitch! Just kiddin doll, you know I don’t mind my enemies, my fans, or anyone knowing I have a soft spot for the ones I care for. It could never come back to hurt me, nope not if I could care less. I mean it is truthful I let my bold hard exterior down once in a while, unlucky for Steve Davids and Charon that won’t be happening in our match. No, it will be emotionless. Well at least to the point of myself inflicting pain on the two of you. Only emotions in this match is that to make sure it steals the fucking show, see I much like Davids who has made it clear this match is about a return, a return of no more fun and games, agree. Babe here take the camcorder and follow me.”

Handing the camcorder to the coolest and sexiest women to ever have stolen my heart. We begin to march toward the bonfire where most of the older bunch of the field party is located. Making our way through the crowd we stumble to right up by the blazing flames of the bonfire. Both my brothers Zachary and Brandon stand bullshitting amongst the crowd, which consists of family, friends, and neighborly strangers. I then turn toward Kensey and the camcorder filming my promo with a contagious smile.

“I’ve said it multiple times now I want to dedicate myself completely to the XWF from here on out. That means I will stack ladder on ladder, upon fucking ladder if that is what it takes. I will loose every once of blood in that match before I let the fans feel disappointed or myself! Yeah Steve this isn’t about the money to me either I just said it would be a nice bonus. You and I aren’t much different besides you are a little dinked Brit, who has needed the aid of the United States more than then we have ever needed aid period. You hate that I have an obsession with weapons like rifles and pistols, why because those are what my ancestors used to break away from your tyrannical government? Oh and don’t worry I know mine is getting out of hand as well. Unlike you though I said your government and not your people. I do have a little discipline and respect. Oh by the way, the only guns I plan to bring to our match don’t eject burning hot metal projectiles at amazing speeds. So you won’t need to bring a diaper or anything to help if you were to piss yourself. No these guns usually just make the ladies wet and the boys jealous! Lets show everyone just how American’s can party! What do you say brothers?”

Both my brothers nod with grins of sinners raised by an angel as they pound fists slam their beers and head for my El Camino with myself. Arriving to the El Camino, my brother Zack opens the toolbox filled with a few of my favorite rifles, pistols, and shotguns. Why not simply say guns because in the Corps I learned the difference between a weapon and a gun. One is for killing and one is for fun. Oh and if “guns” offend you, just buckle up buttercup because shit is going to get offensive. My brother Zack grabs two AK-47’s with one hundred round drums attached. I smile and nod in approval as he hops in the back of the truck. My turn to pick, at the side of the toolbox filled with the tools for freedom, I bite my lower lip trying to make the difficult decision.

Going ahead and choosing the weapon I carried on my second deployment, an M4 (5.56 caliber synthetic rifle with a collapsible butt stock) with a M203 (Grenade launcher) attached. Nodding to Brandon with a joyous smile, giving him the signal to lets get rolling. I hop into the bed with Zack and the toolbox that I begin to close after removing a spotlight out as well. Kensey enters the passenger side of the El Camino to get POV footage of the shenanigans we are about to conduct. The engine of my beloved truck car begins to roar to life as Zack and I chuckle hard like crazed maniacs. Then the tires begin to spin as Brandon drops it in gear releasing the clutch and feathering the gas, before taking off like a bat out of hell.

Dirt, rocks, sand, and other debris spit up from the rear tires rooster tailing half of the party. We take off into the dark with the spot light off at first and all headlights once I feel we made it across the field far enough away from the rager. I flip the spot light on to reveal a massive heard of deer, smacking the roof of the El Camino cab in excitement. Zack and I begin to unload an ungodly amount of live rounds cutting through the heard like hot butter and drastically thinning the heard out before I beat on the roof again ceasing the shenanigans to continue speaking.

“Now before any animal activists and shit get their panties in a knot, all these deer will be butchered and donated to churches and people in need of food. Also since this is America and I am free to protect myelf and my property those deer were also nuisance to my crops. Now what was I saying before expressing my freedom? Oh yeah. Did I just say my own flesh, bone, and muscles are going to be my weapon of choice? Surprised Davids? What you super intelligent, tea sipping, pastry nibbling, peace speaking, pussies didn’t know Marines are also very well trained in hand-to-hand combat? No? Wow that sucks because this fuckin hard dick motherfucker is going to have to break it down for you. Marine Corps Martial Arts Program or MCMAP. Not a stupid person acronym. By the way FUCK YOU! Why? Simple acronyms help when you have to shove information of how to be apart of the World’s finest fighting force into your brain in a very short period of time! I can be a violent man with anything, sweet cheeks. Here are a couple survival tips I picked up in the corps. Anything and everything can be used as a weapon. Treat everyone you meet kind and courteous, but always have a plan to kill them.

So trust me when I say I am prepared to face whatever trucks and violent thrills you have in store for me! Don’t be surprised yourself when I have a few violent tactics of my own when it comes to ladder matches. Hell I may not have been here in the XWF or the wrestling world very long, but it isn’t like I was in the Marines very long before I went to battle some pretty insane people either. Ever hear of the Battle for Marjah, one of the biggest Taliban strong holds since Fallujah, Iraq. First fucking deployment, big fucking leagues is exactly where I was meant to pay my dues. So consider the ass beating I put on you in our ladders match the first check to be cashed, but it isn’t going to be the fucking last!

Yeah I took the title shot chance like it was nothing, because honestly I wasn’t for sure if this was my next calling yet. Now I damn sure know it is, possibly with a little thanks to you. The way you have been luring me to speak in an offensive manner it fucking worked buddy! It probably isn’t how you are thinking though, because not that you pissed me off but this is what my brothers would have loved before a good ole fashion competitive fight. All those inglorious bastards who are now one with the stars would want me to go into this fight insulting you like I’ve insulted the best of the best to walk this earth.

So congratulations you asked and now you shall receive you pathetic excuse of a man. If you don’t believe you are free then you aren’t because you have yet to realize perception is reality and my free ass knows I am free because I will do what I please when I please. Repercussions are nothing I’d ever fear, I am as free as I choose, willing to die long before I give my rights away. Loving my country isn’t the same as loving my government. That is why your assumption is completely wrong because I didn’t enlist because of what was or is going on. I enlisted because it has been my family’s duty to protect those who can’t protect themselves and sometimes that comes off as being the dick. I’ll accept being a dick because like a funny fucking movie states There are three kinds of people in this world Dicks, Assholes, and Pussies, can’t wait to find out first hand, which kind you happen to be KingSlayer.”

Quickly I rapidly launch two different colored star clusters in the air. Grenades we used to signal for certain situations if we were to loose communications from command while on patrol. Basically a colorful firework like explosion hence it’s name star cluster.

“Oh and one more thing, Oink, Oink Motherfuckers!”

End Scene.

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