[video=youtube]www.youtube.com/watch?v=cH_rfGBwamc[/video]


Guys...Thank you. It's awesome to know, after everything, that you do care. Especially you, Ally-Cat, it honestly shocked me to see that you'd replied... I'll TRY to keep this as short as possible, but it's difficult for me.... I am nowhere near where I should be in regards to my health. Sleeping, eating, meds, etc. etc... As I told Other Shane-o, I'm just building toward things slowly. Till I'm ready. Cuz right now, I feel like a zombie [which is apropos come to think of it]...And, my entire body hurts, my stomach is killing me [even after eating] and whenever I stand up, I feel like I might faint. Again, all my fault. But....

All of that is NOT the reason today was my worst birthday ever.

My mom asked me what I'd like this year. I told her, I only wanted one thing. To be there, with...the gal. If you know me well enough, and remember, you might be able to guess. Cuz I talked about her constantly, and you hated that. I swore I would be in Nebraska this year. I SWORE I would make a way, that we'd spend this day together, as my first b-day with her, and things would be different. Instead... we not only are not together in real life. ....But she no longer talks to me on Skype, the phone, or even email.[and reading this back to myself...every time i get to that part, i feel like breaking down in tears. i know, i'm emo. but it fucking hurts] I used to hear a song, and I'd think of her. And I'd smile...

...now. I can't even speak her name. I guess that's a good thing for you guys. So, yeah...Today sucked. Every month without her has sucked. Every day, every hour, every minute, every second. That is why I feel as if I no longer have a reason to care about me. And I knew, I told her over and over again....May 19th was the one year anniversary of the day she told me over Skype that she loved me.....and ever since then. It's like the song says...

"I told you from the start just how this would end."


I guess the good thing is...I have a reason to write. No more false hope. No more 'Believing'.

I have fuel now. That's all I need.

~ R.