Hall Closet Wrestling Union Headquarters…

”GENTLEMEN.”

”*ahem*.”

”And gentlelady. We emb-”

”*purrrrrr*”

”...Gentle…cat.”

”Thank you! I feel included!”

…

”PROUD WARRIORS OF THE WRESTLING UNION!”

“THIS! IS OUR BEACHHEAD!” ‘Graves’, sporting his ‘Dark Warrior’ mask, whacks a broomstick at a projected map of…



Romania!

”We parachute into the Carpathian mountainside…” ‘Graves’ traces his pointer along the map… ”Serpentine our way through the Transylvanian Alps, and upon the Gothic architecture of the Vampire Council’s Castle Compound.”

‘Graves’ whacks the display’s center, a spooky cartoon castle straight outta Scooby Doo.

”From there, the operation’s simple.”

“Infiltrate the compound.”

“Liberate our brother in wrestling, Richard Powers, from the hands of the Council.”

“And I punch Damian… AND Trent Strategy! STRAIGHT IN THEIR GODDAMN THROATS!”

‘Graves’ reels the broomstick away from the screen, rapping confidently against his palm.

”Questions? Comments? Praise to heap upon my genius cunning?”

Miss Furry takes a moment from being, crouched atop a stack of broken chairs, batting at the light cord dangling from the ceiling, to raise her ‘paw’, which is a human hand she’s drawn a paw onto.

”I’ll provide the third one, Master! A purrrrrfect plot, indeed! Those vampires won’t know what hit ‘em!”

”Thanks, Kitten. Parkor, Speak now or forever hold your peace!”

…Peter Parkor lies unconscious on the floor, his head propped up between a mop bucket and a stack of unopened paper towel rolls.

”NO OBJECTIONS! And why would there be? I’ve plotted every single phase of the plan down to the MINUTEST DET-”

”Um…*ahem*...”

Irwin, Mark Flynn’s #1 fan… who, for whatever reason, has been hanging out with ‘Micheal Graves’ a lot recently…

Sets down the clipboard he’d been taking notes on… And raises his hand.

”...Too late, Ir-dawg. Cat-Lady already heaped praise. So, we move f-”

”Uh… actually, sir… I had some… criticisms.”

”HISSSSSSSSS!” ‘Graves’ back coils like an angry feline, his nostrils flare, his teeth bare out!

…

”CRIT-I-CIS-M! AM I HEARIN’ YOU RIGHT, IRMANO?!?”

”Well, uh, sir… It’s not that your plan is *flawed*, per se.”

”Great. Perfect pivot, Irwinner. The plan is NOT flawed. Moving o-”

”But…”

”AHHHHHH, THE BUTS!”

”…Well, sir, I think we’d be wise to slow down! Try to foresee… issues… or gaps with your plan!”

”Issues?!? GAPS!!! My plan’s PERFECT, EARWIG!” ‘Graves’ extends his hand to the projector…

A whole flowchart of events and arrows flash as Flynn clicks through his presentation!

What follows are crude doodles of decision trees, flowcharts… Every single possible contingency for the Vampire Council raid…

Stick-figures of the Union’s foursome escaping the Compound in the Popemobile…

Another slide features the foursome infiltrating the Vampire Compound, sitting on each other’s shoulders in a big trenchcoat…

Another chain has ‘Graves’ cross-dressing, tricking Damian into marrying him, then taking half his wealth through Transylvanian support alimony.

”I’ve been awake for the last ONE-HUNDRED-FORTY-FOUR HOURS! I’VE DONE NOTHING BUT PLOT MY VENGEANCE AGAINST THOSE BLOODSUCKING, OLIGARCHIC DOUCHEBAGS! TO PROVE THEIR INFERIORITY TO MY GENIUS DESIGN!”

”...And save Richard Powers, right?”

…

”That’s the point of this, yes? To save a wrestler under your Union’s protection?”

”...No, yeah, absolutely. That too.”

”Sir… and I say this while maintaining my reverence for, and fear, of you… You’re so focused on besting the Vampire Council, you’re missing details you typically never would!”

”RIDICULOUS, IRWIN. I’D NEVER MISS A DETAIL. I’M MARK FL-”

…

”I’m Mark Flynn’s collaborator and confidante, ‘Micheal Graves’... To insinuate I’d miss a detail is to insinuate Flynn’d make a mistake. You’re not suggesting that, right, Irwinner?”

”Goodness, never sir!”

”Great! Moving o-”

”It’s just…”

”FOR FUCK’S SAKE!”

”I wouldn’t *suggest* it… But we did directly observe it! Remember when you thought Damian couldn’t enter your storage-unit home due to Vampire Rules… Then, he walked in because he’d bought the property from the owner?”

”...*ahem* Yes. Small calculation error. Now, I-”

”Then! You told Damian you’d out-think and out-plan him and that you’d make his immortal ass look like a rube… And he evicted you? Cuz you’d forgotten that he now owned your home?”

”...Fine, TWO errors. BUT, THIS TIME, I-”

”THEN! Powers’ vampire-hunting bodyguard, Trent Strategy! He struggled to open Powers’ hotel room door… Until Richard told him to enter! Inviting him! And you didn’t realize that might mean Strategy’s a vampire until AFTER he kidnapped Powers!”

”...Well, I-”

”You even printed the rule on Warbaby’s onesie so you wouldn’t forget! Then, you did!”

"THANK YOU, IRWIN,"

WHAM! ‘Graves’ smacks the stick against the projector!

"FOR THE THOROUGH…”

WHACK!

”RECAP!”

WHAM!

“ON MY CONSTANT…”

SLAM!

FAILURES."

…

The projector sputters sparks…

"This time." 'Graves' said, whipping off the broken projector across the room. "I've accounted for EVERYTHING. I've diagrammed, plotted, flowcharted every conceivable possibility. Every harebrained unlikelihood. Every infinitesimal contingency! ALL TO BRING TO MY LIFE MY VISION!”

“OF A BETTER WORLD!”

“Where the XWF’s wrestlers don’t have to fear HORROR MONSTER CABALS LIKE THE VAMPIRE COUNCIL!!"

”...Sir, I think you’ve got tunnel vision! You’re so obsessed with this current plan, you’re missing what’s right under your nose!"

"Nonsense, Ir-whiner! What could I possibly be mis-?!"

*KNOCK-KNOCK*

”Goddamn janitorial staff, I told them we were holding a meeting!”

‘Graves’ stomps across the closet, opening the door…

To a horde of terrified wrestlers!

Billy ‘Bass’ Ackwards! Big Preesh! Big Puddin’! The Big Upps!

They all nervously chatter, shouting and screeching!

‘Graves’ raises his hands. ”Whoa, whoa whoooooa! The FUCK’s going on here?!?”

“Graves, we need help…” Ackwards speaks up! ”They could strike at any time! We can’t work like this!”

…’Graves’ sighs. ”Look, the Vampires only kidnapped Powers cuz he’s been resurrected a half-dozen times… Long story… Point is, y’all are saf-”

”...Vampire Council? We’re talking about BLACK RAINBOW!”

…

"...Black Rainbow?"

”*ahem*.” Irwin stepped beside ‘Graves’. ”I didn’t know how to tell you that… amidst your… six-day-plotting session to infiltrate the Vampire Council… you missed the onset of a new faction terrorizing Anarchy and Warfare…”

“A sort-of… Horror Monster Cabal.”

“Right under your nose.”

…

……

”...Shit.”