Sunday

The Steelers season kicked off in Atlanta so as is the norm for the last few years, Frankie and I went to the game.  Post game, my plane's departure was delayed by two and a half hours so I had a lot of time to sit and think.

That's not always a good thing.

Seb and I… listen, I love that man.  He's been my rock basically since the day I met him and we have very few real problems.  The problems we do have though, seem to be quite big.  Never insurmountable, but they do need to be dealt with and the fact is, neither of us are particularly good at confronting one another.  We just take it for granted that the other should just know.  Basically, we’re just women.  I mean, sure, we'll get into arguments through texts or on Twitter, but it takes us a while to tackle things head on and they will sometimes fester.  I don't have any rational explanation for that other than sometimes, brothers just fight.

Since the day my relationship with Lucy came out, I've felt this giant block of ice between him and I.  Lucy tells me to trust her, and I do.  Trusting her doesn't stop my anxious brain from doing what it always does and making me think, rethink and overthink every damn thing.

Once we made it back to New York and after leaving Kennedy, Frankie fell asleep in the front seat of the Monte Carlo.  It was past ten and it had been a long day.  Rather than going right home, I had Sebastian on my mind.  Generally, I missed him.  He was in Chicago with Lucy for work and I really had no one to turn to.  No one to talk to.  No one that I could just say ‘this is what's going on’ and they'd give me sage advice that I could put to use.  I really shouldn't be left to make all of my own decisions.  So, those that think I have everything simply because I was born with wealth, couldn't be more wrong.

Feeling isolated, I went to the only place I knew I wouldn't be alone even if they weren't talking back…

Hitting the hi beam switch on the floor next to my left foot, I made the right turn up the drive.  Headstones and decorative shrubs passed by in the dark for a few minutes before the massive black, marbled gray, pantheon style mausoleum rose out of the darkness.  Clearly visible in the hi beams of the old Chevy: D U K E etched in gold in the surface above the granite pillars.

With Frankie asleep, I left the car running and unlocked the door to the family crypt.  After stepping inside, I flicked on the dim overhead fluorescent lights.  They buzzed to life and I took a moment to take in my surroundings before sitting on the bench in the middle of the crypt.  Sitting there, I listened to the hum of the ballasts.

”You'd have given me the best advice by now,” I said to Jim.  James Edwards.  Before Sebastian, Jim was my best friend, my brother, my conscience, and my right hand man.  He had been since the day we met when I was 11 and he was 12.  Lung cancer took him going on three years ago and I miss him every day.  Cruel irony for a man that never smoked a day in his life.

”I feel like nothing I say, nothing I think, really matters,” I continued on.  ”Why can't he see that Lucy and I truly care for each other?”

”He does, mate,” came the voice of my first best friend as “he” stepped from the darkness and sat upon the bench beside me.  ”He's just scared.”

”God I miss you,” I said with a tear on my cheek.  ”What does he have to be afraid of?”

”Your friend puts on a show in public,” Jim said as he looked at me, his ice blue eyes piercing my soul just as they did when he was by my side.

”He lost the woman he loves and you and Lucy are all he truly has left in this world,” he continued.  ”Back in London, you'd have known what his concerns were if you'd have shut your mouth and listened.”

”Harsh,” I smiled.

”When have I ever sugar coated anything for you, mate?” he smiled back.

I stood and started to stroll toward the entrance.  Naturally, Jim came with.  Outside, Jim peeked inside the car at a sleeping Frankie.

”My, he's grown up,” Jim said with sadness evident in his voice.

”Yeah,” I agreed with a huge smile on my face.  ”14 next month, can you believe that?”

”You're proud of him.”

”He's overcome so much in the last 4 or 5 years.  It's hard not to be,” I admitted.

”I wish I'd have lived to see you grow into fatherhood.”

”Me too,” I conceded.  ”It’s the greatest thing I’ve ever done.”

”About Sebastian,” Jim redirected.  ”Maybe his fear is a bit irrational, but have you considered that all three of you have gone through devastating break ups this year and he doesn't want to see another one?”

Jim and I strolled into the hi beams.  I couldn't bring myself to look away from him.  He always did have a beautiful face and I remember telling him many times that he reminded me of a 20-something Tom Felton.

”I can certainly understand that,” I said finally.  ”She's not Lauren.  I'm not Rogan.”

”Put yourself in his shoes, mate,” Jim said as he stared back at me.  ”Let’s say for a second that this relationship with Lucy turns south.  Now Sebastian is caught smack in the middle and he'd have to choose between his best friend… and his other best friend.”

”Seems silly,” I said to Jim.  ”Also it’s pretty narcissistic and self centered to worry about how me and Lucy might one day affect him.”

”Besides, I would never do that,” I argued.  ”Neither would she and that's what I've been trying to tell him.”

We stood quietly in the intense glow of the headlights.  I wished he was real.  I wished I could turn back the clock.  I wish I would have physically forced him to seek treatment rather than trusting him to…… oh.

”I just kept telling Seb to trust me,” Jim smiled as the realization was sinking in.  ”It's the same thing you kept telling me when I found out you were sick.

“It's not that he doesn't trust us,” I paused.  ”He's just afraid that if it doesn't work out, this whole 3 way friend dynamic changes drastically.

“How do I reassure him that it won't?”

”You can't,” Jim replied.  ”You have to let him come to that conclusion on his own.  Give him time.”

”The digs at me hurt,” I admitted.  ”I wouldn't do that to him. Not seriously at least.”

”Maybe that's his way of trying to reclaim normalcy in the face of learning his best friends are banging,” he suggested.

”Anyone else says the things he does, I can shrug it off.  When he does it, it feels like… you.”

”What do you mean?”

”You've been gone almost three years,” I paused as I choked on my emotion.  ”And I'm still so damn angry that you left me.”

”For someone so riddled with abandonment issues, mate, you'd think you could see his point of view easier,” Jim pointed out.

”I do now,” I replied.

Suddenly, I hear the car door click open and it immediately grabs my attention as Frankie steps out.  When I turned back to Jim, he was gone.

”What the hell are you doing?”

”Just thinking,” I replied, still standing in the light beams.

”Well could you think and drive at the same time?” Frankie asked.  ”I have school tomorrow.”

”Yeah I'm comin’,” I said as Frankie returned to the passenger seat.

”I miss you mate.  More than you could imagine.” I said to Jim as I returned to the car, though he was gone.

Returning behind the wheel, I started up and around the drive as I pulled out my cell.

”Seb,” I said to his voicemail.  ”I get it now and I'm sorry.  Love you, brother.”

---

Tuesday

I watched UGWC last night.  I wish I could've been there in person to support them both, but my job as a present father takes priority over everyone and everything else.  Always.  Seb and Lucy understand that.  If they didn't, they wouldn't be who they are to me.

Nevertheless, I watched with bubbling nerves as their plane landed and taxi’d to the gate.  Nervously, I paced as I awaited seeing the new record holders for longest reigning Co-Op Champions in UGWC history.

As they emerged from the gate, the nerves disappeared immediately and I was filled with nothing but joy.  They were sore, I'm sure, but that was never gonna stop me from giving them both the biggest hugs I had in me.  Outside of my kids, they're the two people I care about most in the world.  All was not right, but I knew then that it would be alright.