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Noah Jackson · (06-03-2023)

I'm So Sick

Some sick cunt blasting out the speakers of the Skyline as another sick cunt, AKA this handsome devil you're witnessing smash me palms across the wheel as I sing along in true blue Aussie volume.

"I'M SO SICK IN-FEC-TED WITH WHERE I LIVE LET ME LIVE WITH THIS EMPTINESS I'M SOOOO SIIIICK! I'M SO SICKKKKKKKKkkkk!!!!"

Passing cars as the drivers stare in awe of my beautiful tones and sick as fuck driving with a high disregard of the blinkers because honestly, cunt, wasted on a car. If some cunt does not know you're turning in front of em, that's on those dickheads. My music and singing are abruptly cut short as my ringtone plays through the speakers and I quickly swipe to accept the call when I see the word "Dad" show up on the phone.

"Dad! How ya goin', cunt?"

"Heyyyyy kiddo! Sorry haven't called in a while but you know how it is."

I nod my head enthusiastically.

"Nah, totally understand, cunt. So what's up? You wanna hang for a bit? I'm in a bit of a rush gotta get to the airport to go to fuckin' Japan but I can make time if you-"

"Actually that's what I wanted to talk to you about, Lacklan drafted you first huh?"

A pregnant pause fills the air my eyes dart to the screen then back to the freeway.

"Um, yeah."

"Huh... So er, how-when did that be a thing?"

"When did what become what, cunt?"

"You and Lacklan being all buddy-buddy? Surely she didn't just draft you on your recent performance, right?"

Ouch.

"Erm, actually cunt I think she kinda did."

"I mean, Noah, c'mon. You're doing fine right now but clearly, she has an ulterior motive... You know that, right?"

"Honestly, dad, I think she just has a bit of respect for me and knows I'm capable, kinda nice someone has some trust in me."

A sniff up from the other end tells me dad is trying to relax every muscle in his body after tensing up.

"Right, sure... Sure... Listen, I just wanted to call and say... Remember where your loyalty lies."

I hesitate briefly, scrunching up my brow.

"Pardon, cunt?"

"I'm just saying, remember what we've been through with Sarah and her bullshit and who was with you from the start and stuck with you. I just don't want you to get bitten."

I think on his words for what feels like a lifetime.

"Okay, dad..."

"Okay... I'll talk to you later, bring me back something nice from Japan."

"Yeah will d-"

A beep and he hangs up as the music resumes blaring from my speakers. I grip the steering wheel with both hands and stare ahead, my body rocking with the movement of the car as I drive on.

"G'day you shit cunts."

"So." I clap my hands together and grasp them as I stare down the videoscope. "War Games and all that cliche shit and I bet some of you cunts are wondering why did Sarah Lacklan draft, me, Noah Jackson first? I know I was for a fair while, cunts, but me being the modern-day Einstein I am, figured it out after a good moment."

"Back at the March Madness first rounds, Lacklan said I had earned her respect, along with Bobby and I'm guessing Lexi Gold too. Either that or Lack-o felt weird being in a sausage fest and knew Lexi was one, sick, and two a hot blonde like Sar thinks she is. But yeah, Lacklan said she respected me, and I admitted I had respect for her, so first pick makes sense, cunt."

"More sense than my so-called friend Ned picking the cuntiest cunt who ever cunted first. Ned looking only at statistics, thinking like a sack and drafting Flynn who he has never talked to before in his life over someone like, oh I don't know, his so-called teammate Raion Kido."

"Speaking, of, sup second round? Must sting a fair bit being Universal Champion and getting a "oh go on, guess I'll pick Kido." Hahahaha, I think you're the first EVER Uni champ that hasn't been picked first round! HAHAHAHAHA!!! You fuckin' suck, cunt! Imagine, fuckin' imagine, being the top of the company and people being SOOOO tired of your repetitive bullshit that even your accomplishments mean dick all. But don't worry, cunt, I did ya an honour and picked you first here. Give that fragile ego a little boost for ya. Truth is, cunt, I've been wanting this since March Madness but you had to go and drop the fuckin' ball and let Peter Vaughn of all people beat you."

"Like fuckin' how, cunt? Vaughn? .... VAUGHN!? The cunt who couldn't roast a snag with how weak his fire was beat you? Like, no contest, kicked your fuckin' ass, cunt! Leavin' poor ol' me havin' to throw away me notes on you and lower the bar on some cunt I wouldn't recognise on the street."

"Notes on how Kido wants to wear spandex and play hero but is THE biggest asshole I have ever seen in me life. The cunt who wants to be a shining beacon, a hero for all, a real fuckin' role model who never falters and makes life better by sniffing his own farts. The cunt who acted like a hero when he embarrassed Mastermind in the ring and rubbed salt in the wound by stealin' his t-shirt gimmick. Gee, what a fuckin' hero! Talk about beating the handicapped, cunt! Now, we all take the piss out of Mastermind, it's basically a rite of passage here but the fact that YOU cunt, former universal champion at the time, a face of the company, one of the most well-respected wrestlers in the biz and a true hero to all ages felt like you needed to do that and still somehow think you're the fuckin' good guy? What, cunt? Was Mastermind truly that much of a threat that you needed to push his face in the dirt? To show him that you don't have a humble bone in your fuckin' body? To show the world that Kido isn't what he portrays but instead wants to play Homelander and straight-up bully a cunt?"

"You humiliated him."

"That's what cunts like me do! But you? YOU CUNT! You're meant to be better than the likes of me, yeah? You're meant to be a fuckin' pillar of society. You're meant to raise us all up, yeah? Show us how we can be better people?"

"That is what you want everyone to think but what do you show? A fragile little bitch with an ego. A cunt who fabricates scenarios to make himself appear perfect like using a loom for the first time to create a perfect cape in a matter of minutes, a cunt who gets handed a rare car by your girlfriend's dad for being just a fuckin' super guy, a cunt who struggles to open up a jar of off-brand Vegemite in a weak attempt to appear human. Yeah sure, you can body cunts in the ring and send cunts flyin' with a punch to the tummy but you struggle opening up a jar?"

"..."

"A FUCKIN' JAR, CUNT!?"

"What kind of weak shit is that!? Oh look everyone, I'm trying! I'm not claiming to be some superior lifeform you can all be in awe at! I do have real human flaws! I can't open up this wee little jar! Me girlfriend had to do it!"

"FUCK. OFF."

"This is the most pathetic attempt at appearing sympathetic I have ever seen in me fuckin' life! You're a fuckin' fraud, cunt! A fuckin' jar!? WHAT!? Not the fact that you lost to Vaughn like a bitch, naaaaaw cunt! Fuckin' lids on too bloody tight! Now that's a fuckin' foil! The fact that you couldn't get that crown, the fact that you couldn't get the recognition you crave, the fact that you aren't fuckin' perfect! What did that mean to ya? When I got to the finals instead of you, what did you fuckin' feel?"

"Nothing? You emotionless cock stain?"

"You fuckin' just kept strong like a cunt with that forced cheery optimism and tried to bury how you feel instead of takin' advantage of a lesson to be learned. A lesson I learned, a lesson most of us here have learned and become better for it."

"That we can't win 'em all."

"You could have grabbed that and really fuckin' dug deep and made something memorable. We were all waitin' for it cunt."

"But nah."

"This jar is givin' ya the business."

"Trust the only thing ya sell for is an inanimate fuckin' object. I'm gonna be brutally honest with ya, cunt, I had some respect for ya way back when. Any cunt that dresses like that, chooses to have his hair like that and acts like you surely has some fuckin' balls and trust, you're a good wrestler, cunt. You've proved that you're good."

"I can't take that away from ya, and you can surely target you've achieved more than me in a shorer time frame."

"But listen here, cunt, and this is something you really need to ask yaself. Why was I drafted before ya? How did I beat Vaughn when you can't? Why did some cunt who just lost to Isaiah King get a better placement than the newly crowned Universal Champion?"

"The answer to that is two-fold. One, I'm just fuckin' better, cunt. You have your accolades but when did I ever say I was chasin' 'em? I wanted the crown and the Uni, yeah but what about everything else? Do ya research, cunt, show me where I actually went out my way to chase a car like a dog. I just fuckin' did my thing and people threw me those chances, I wasn't a desperate slut needing attention and validation like you, cunt."

"This brings me to reason number two. Respect. Lack-o respected me enough through our fights that she knows I can get the job done. To show up and prove meself. What respect have you earned, cunt?"

"Ned, your friend and teammate in this failing stable ya got fucked you off over the man who beat you for the Uni at Relentless."

"Sidney Grey didn't give you the time of day despite you holding her former gold."

"Dolly Waters didn't want you, nah, she wanted the old guard over you, some cunt who hasn't done anything of note in years!"

"Thunder Knuckles didn't want ya, cunt. For several hundred reasons I assume."

"And Lacklan didn't want ya, despite you gettin' wins over her! How can she not respect you? Me and Bobby earned that because we've beaten her but you Kido? What makes you different?"

"Because we didn't pine for her approval like a toddler, because we didn't try and lord a win over her like some smug, self-conscious, fragile cunt, because we acted like adults and real wrestlers and took the win, acknowledged it and moved the fuck on not some cunt playing pretend wrestler lookin' for a pat on the back from mummy!"

"Kido, you're a fuckin' disappointment."

"You should have been the biggest thing to happen in wrestling, a real hero that people like and is a shining light in a sea full of edgy cunts tryna look badass. Myself excluded from that sea because I'm sick as fuck and actually unique. Instead, we get some two-faced asshole wearing his blankie around his shoulders and not getting past the child safety locks, crying when he doesn't get the attention he wants and being left in a locked car on a hot summer's day."

"You're dog shit, Kido, you really fuckin' are. And with a little help I'm gonna prove it in ya home country."

"Next, Angie Vaughn. Now despite havin' wrong opinions about cats, Angie... I ain't got much of a problem with. She's just there in Lacklan's shadow. Now, don't get me wrong, she proved herself at War Games last year, I'll cop that she showed up but one flash in the pan don't mean a lot 'round here. What else has she actually done without her sister's help? ... Or step-sister? ... Or cousin? Right, sorry but there's a lot that goes on at Lackland that I struggle to keep up with. Like watchin' Keepin' up with the Kardashians but on shuffle!"

"Whatever, don't matter, point is! Angie can't do fuck all on her own, we have all seen her stumble and fall more times than anyone can count at this point and she has been here over a year now! And only since Lack-o came back has Angie seen some real success, all down to, reluctantly, the better captain here. I respect, Sar, like her?" I seesaw me hand[/i] "Eh. But I will admit fully that the cunt is smart, and a great wrestler. She knew who to pick not just on who could get the job done but who she could rely on."

"Who does Angie pick?"

"Me fuckin' ex!"

"Whose been floundering on Madness for who the fuck knows. Who, to my knowledge, has never worked with Angie before. Correct me if I'm wrong, I don't give a fuck."

"That isn't a smart captain! That isn't a smart wrestler! That's a cunt whose directionless without her master holding her leash just pickin' names out a hat! That's a cunt who's been here over a year and people need to remind themselves that she actually has been here over a fuckin' year! People like me! Who had to remind meself now!"

"A cunt who really hasn't done much first pickin' a cunt who has done... A lot to be fair, won't lie BUT hasn't done fuck all recently! Except from saving me life and playing 50% in the best sex I've had in years..."

"Fuck, cunt."

"I'm feelin' real torn right now."

"Like on one hand, yeah, I should show respect to V, she's my ex, we had great times together and she's a solid worker. On the other hand, the cunt ran me over."

"Real debacle."

"So, I'll just say this instead. Vita, don't fuck with me and I won't fuck with you. My main goal in this match is to get the sole survivor and kick Kido's teeth in for being a shit cunt; just let someone else pin ya so you don't have to deal with me and some repressed anger issues. Trust me, I'll be a lot less gentle."

"And finally, the star of the show!"

"OZ!"

"Whoever the fuck that is! I did research a bit and the cunt changes his name more than conman with dementia and has done an impressive amount of fuck all in a long while. The only thing the cunt does is crack his own ribs to suck his own cock. Got an ego so big it puts old mate Raion to shame! Fuckin' some cunt genius billionaire who fucks supermodels and somehow does top rope German Suplexes with forty fuckin' rotations, creates himself a belt because he can't win a real one to make himself feel better about his pathetic existence only to drop it all and be some monster with a pedo-stache."

"... Who is now like a trillionaire demi-god now or some shit I don't fuckin' know."

"To be honest not like anything I even say about the cunt matters, not like he'll pay attention, too busy tryna tongue-punch his own shit cave. And judging from what I read up, the cunt isn't a threat. If anything he's there to make numbers up and the cunt somehow still adds up to a decimal point."

"Fuckin' useless NPC cunt."

"Anyway, cunts, I'm gonna shoot off. Waste me fuckin' time in an airport for a fucking long haul flight to goddamn Tokyo! Do you know how restless I'm gonna be!? That's on you, cunts! Puttin' me in a bad mood and shit by being a troupe of fuckin' clowns! And I just fuckin' know, as soon as I touch down Sar is gonna be there with a full-on itinerary for our time there! Shoe-shopping and weird food I've never fuckin' heard of followed by some forced team-building exercises... Ugh... This is gonna be a horrible holiday!"

"Least I can look forward to puttin' some cunts down for the cunt and gettin' to that main event."

"Later, shit dingoes!"

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