As Bobby and Dolly continue their staredown in this wasteland, some creature shrieks and hurls a stone at them both! Dolly grabs Bobby and pivots them both to protect him, but the rock hits her in the skull! Dolly Waters falls unconscious to the ground. Bobby stops, looking absolutely mortified.

Oh, no, fuck, no! NO! Not this! Look, I know, I gotta work on what the fuck I want, maybe I gotta tell the fans what it is I desire, but I was a kid in the ‘90s, when if you wanted to hear someone’s fucking desires and wants it cost five bucks a minute over the phone…

Bobby looks furious.

These motherfuckers want me to open up and give a glimpse to something personal like I’m not doing phone sex or a premium OnlyFans? The people in the XWF don’t give a shit about what I like, they never gave a damn about what I wanted, never even stopped to ask, no, it’s not a part of the deal. I get to Bobbybomb people, and, well…

Bobby looks forlorn.

That’s generally the end of it. I mean, yeah, one story ends, another continues, nothing is final, blah, blah, blah. Tell me about it! I’ve been the end so many damn times for so many damn fools that, well…

Bobby looks dead at the camera.

Where do I even begin? For the better part of a decade, I have come out here and told the world, then fucking manned up and proved it, that I was the absolute and promised end. Well, here I fucking am. Describing my fucking feelings.

Bobby snorts.

Now if you don’t fucking mind, I’m going to go kick the fuck out of the thing that threw a rock at us!

In Rooster Cogburn fashion, Bobby scoops Dolly into his arms and races off towards someplace safe, somewhere she could get the care she needed. In this wasteland, such a known place is obtuse to us, so Bobby rushes towards the Tower, Dolly over his shoulder.

The heightened danger of what loomed was lost to Bobby. After all, if he didn’t know what he wanted, how could he know what he feared? Bobby trucked onward, Dolly cradled in his arms, as he grew weary, until he finally ran into a grouping of minotaurs. Some eight adult, nine-feet-tall minotaurs sat around a bonfire, drinking something, carrying on in their dialect. Beside them, a rack of skinned elves, dwarves, humans, and whatever else minotaurs hunt in World of Warcraft you fucking absolute nerds pussy magnets (calling you a nerd got cancelled and fuck if you grasp irony at all).



for those in the back


Bobby carries Dolly onward, trucking as he does. The throttling of Bobby’s sprint jars Dolly into somewhat of a conscious state. Her eyes taking in and taking out the imagery of the swirling torch-lit hallways of the Tower.

Bobby?

A nonchalant, sleepy tone, as she looks up at Bobby darting down the hall of the Tower

Dolly.

You said I recruited myself to BoB…

...yeah?

Wuddya’ mean by that?

Look kid… you rolled our Patron Saint of Dirt out into the wrestling ring, mid-coma, and single handedly wiped out the Tag Team Champions like you were a fucking tidal wave.

You.

Recruited.

Yourself.

The jerkoffs in XWF might’ve tried sweeping that story under the rug. But we’re not going to let them.

Dolly just smiles. Bobby stops sprinting. His gaze focused on something just ahead. Dolly climbs from his arms, and joins him shoulder to shoulder.

Thanks fer’ carrying me.

Thanks for not shitting yourself while I was carrying you.

Dolly checks herself, chuckles, and joins Bobby’s gaze up ahead. There’s a rabbit hole in the center of the Tower. One just weird enough for the both of them to dive through. Dolly closes her eyes and begins shuffling her tarot deck. She flips a card.

What’s it say?

...fuck if I know. All a’sudden I can’t read.

Well, what about the picture?

hmm… seems open fer’ interpretation.



You sure about that?

Above our duo, The Tower begins crumbling down. Bobby grabs Dolly’s arm and pulls her toward the rabbit hole.

WAIT! What about the hooded men?

Bobby shrugs

Just some asshole minotaurs that helped bring us together. I suspect they’re all about to die.

...and with that, Bobby pulls Dolly into the Rabbit Hole as The Tower comes crumbling down.

~~~~~

We catch up with Dolly and Bobby outside of the Bastard’s Den. Bobby steps forward.

Sarah Lacklan! Man, oh man, is it a pleasure you finally grew a fucking pair and showed off the scrotum you’ve been smuggling for years now! Hot diggety damn, did I mention how much of an honor it is to face you in the ring?

Whoops, I guess I’m slut shaming there, you’re too shy to say such things. I’m not.

I am pleased as punch, Sarah, and absolutely and definitely honored that I finally get a chance to square off with you in the here and now. I mean, you absolutely dodged me in the past, when you had that Universal Title, and instead gave a shot to Charlie Nickles, a guy you’ve made a career in the XWF off of going ninety-seven and zero against, time and fucking again, and I get it too, Sarah. Charlie, well, if he learned good, I wouldn’t tell him to take laps. You, well, you knew better, but here you are, and damn, I guess I am supporting my friends or some shit, because while Charlie is off conniving new ways to tell me how a Universal Champ aught to act, let alone a two-time champ, he sure as fuck isn’t on the docket this evening. So, Sarah, I have to say, finally, and the people have definitely been waiting on this, but, after much due time, welcome to Warfare. My name is Bobby Motherfucking Bourbon. You’re going to remember that name. We all know you do, you did, you dodged, and hustled, and showed us your adorable little streaming service that absolutely, and completely, paled in comparison to what BastardNET put on the airwaves, and Sarah, you are welcome, by the dubs, because Sarah, tell me, why hasn’t there been an Anarchy Universal Champion since you until, well, me actually defending it against an Anarchy star? I guess that torch got passed but it was too hot. Me? Well, I can handle the heat, been ladled with it since day one, haven’t cracked yet, just had to cool my jets a few times.

Bobby would be shrugging like Shawn Warstein, except Bobby scared the piss out of Warstein since jump.

But piss in the wind you did, Sarah. You have it all blowing back into your face now, them salty drops getting mixed up with crocodile tears, that bullshit prophesy of being spunky, sporadic, unpredictable, and filthy with a lense all wiped the fuck out by pure sanctifying utterly destructive flame! Shit, Sarah, you talk about your development as a human as much as me, except it’s expected of me by the is point, what the fuck is your excuse besides being tier two to an Optimal Path? Shit, Sarah, as awful as you try to paint yourself to be, well, I already took down the biggest shitheel in the XWF twice, if I gotta go Super Mario Brothers and get the pipes cleared so your shit can flow out of here as fast as Flynn’s did, well, you’re certainly not up to being the chore Mark Flynn was! Heel shit U? We were conquering multiple companies sweetie. This one included. Go ask the Universal Champ from February, Vini, vidi, vici.

Vinnie will love I mentioned him there.

You...

Were just shit.

Bobby chuckles.

Whoops, hold up, Lacklan, do I sound like the ‘on’ or ‘off’ Bobby? Because you’ve sounded the exact fucking same since you’ve been too chickenshit to see me in the ring for the Universal Title, and now you don’t even have that, so, what the fuck are you doing here other than showing, once again, it doesn’t take Charlie Nickles to beat you?

Bobby rolls his eyes. He chortles.

Then, what, Angie Vaughn? Shit, take everything I said about Sarah and apply it to Angie, only Barbie to Skipper that shit.

Bobby looks frustratedly at the camera.

What the fuck do you mean you don’t know what that means? Everybody knows who Skipper was, Barbie’s younger sister, the girl my Rocksteady was allowed to date because Barbie was waiting on some other asshole who wasn’t a mutant rhino, and damn if I haven’t gotten as close to mutant rhino as humanly possible!

What the hell are you talking about? Wait, Rocksteady, from Bebop and Rocksteady, from Ninja Turtles dated Skipper?

Yeah, when my parents brought me over to people’s house and they had kids and we just had to generally play toys, I had Rocksteady and their daughter thought it was ugly so she said Skipper dated him.

I’m thinking you just revealed more of your psyche than you know there.

Hushabee.

No. It’s my turn now. Because in spite of how much I enjoy listening to this verbal steamroll, I’ve got a piece that needs said:

Angie Vaughn is a clueless hack-

You don’t say?

No. I DO say it… all of the fucking time, and no one listens to me!

See, Angie was groaning because Sarah can’t help but consistently point out that I'm one of the best the XWF has to offer-

Clearly she’s jealous of you. Big deal.

Damnit, I know! Would you just let me finish already?

Okay, but just don’t drag this out into some Socratic thought-experiment that verbally undresses our opponents down to the bone. People don’t care for thoughtful promo work anymore. Hell, they don’t even care for blunt force trauma promo work, but hell, it’s what I bring to the table.

Ask Isaiah King

Yeah, he was all up in his feels about you cutting a promo selling tea after the refs gave him the TV Title.

No!

‘Ask Isaiah King’,

That’s what Angie said when Lacklan called me one of the best wrestlers in XWF.

But you know what’s hilarious?

Besides you kicking Isaiah King out of the ring to sell tea after his big “win”?

I’ve actually beaten Isaiah King. In March Madness. And if not fer’ some dusty video replay nonsense, it would've happened twice! Angie Vaughn LOST to Isaiah King, straight up!

So in the process of trying to land a cheap one liner, because that’s all she’s good for, Angie actually admitted that she’s a worse wrestler than me…or that her sister is justified in thinking LESS of her than she does me. But that’s just Angie saying the quiet part out loud. The world already knows what Angie is most capable of, and that’s dragging Sarah Lacklan down.

Dolly pauses, after a deep inhale her glare intensifies, her teeth cracking

I told you I loved you...

I reciprocate yer’ feelings toward me, and for what?

For you to choose that air-headed LOSER over me?

Choosing yer’ blood over Waters while she’s costing you matches?

Costing you credibility while going out palling around with Sidney Grey?

The woman you despise?

The woman you watched assault me... yer' daughter?

…you told me I was in the wrong crowd, but at least the Brotherhood helped me when I was being attacked.

At least they saw value in me UPENDING yer’ dear sister's tag-team "run" with Madison. Something you chalked up to… what was it? A “scheduling conflict.”

You covering up Angie’s tracks aint just weak anymore, it’s become downright pathetic.

And on Weekend Warfare I’m gonna’ show you why you chose wrong, when HSU’s Tower comes crumbling down… Mother.

2x KWA Unified Southern Glory Champion
6x KWA Middleweight Champion
4x KWA Tag Team Champion
1x XWF XTreme Champion


-Dumb Dolly records that no one cares about-

3x XTreme Champion
2x Tag Team Champion (w/ Vita Valenteen, w/ Charlie Nickles)
2x Hart Champion
3x Television Champion

3x Star Of The Month
August ‘21, May ‘17, October ‘16

3x RP Of The Month
What light through sonder... my perception breaks.
Tranquility: For Old Times Sake
Manifest Victory