Meat Head: "Hell yeah baby I'm a badass. Would I be taking you on a date in this super scary old time torture dungeon museum if I weren't?"

Nerd Whore: "This is the Clink Prison Museum! It's considered to be the most notorious medieval prison and operated from 1151 until 1780. The museum today strives to keep the place in the exact same conditions as the original prison."

Meat Head: "What are you, a fucking Wikipedia Page? Get over here and let me torture your taint a little bit."

The Meat Head grabs the woman by the pussy harder than our president and pulls her closer in against his body. The Nerd Whore starts fighting from his grip and tries to escape.

Nerd Whore: "I told you, I'm a good Christian girl! Just because I'm into freaky things and know all the facts about them, and wear freaky clothes doesn't mean you can just have your way with me!"

Meat Head: "Oh come on babe, I love you!"

Somehow with just this simple phrase he is able to calm her, and even go so far as to say she has completely turned her frown upside down.

Nerd Whore: "You sure know what to say at the perfect time! But I'm sorry I'm just not in the mood in this dark scary place!"

This is when the Meat Head knew he needed to whip out his secret weapon! He reaches into his pocket and pulls out from his wallet next to his condoms, a poster picture of Peter Gilmour flexing his massive muscles and flashes it quickly at his date. In the mere blink of an eye, he turns the picture forward to face her, and then back again so she can't see it. The entire action probably took no more than a nanosecond.

Nerd Whore: "Oh my GOD! All of a sudden my loins feel like a river of lava pouring out like the Niagra Falls!"

She leaps at him and they immediately begin making out while groping and feeling one another with curious hands.

Meat Head: "Let's go in that room! I don't think they'll see us in there!"

The two make their way towards a doorway that separates off from the hallway and then enter it abruptly. Still bound in the grasps of each other's loving arms and sucking faces! The girl opens her eyes to see where she was going inside the room to reveal the most disgusting and disturbing sight she had ever seen in her life!

Nerd Whore: "What the fuck!"

Shane and Crimson Dong both have one side of a torture rack that has Unknown Soldier tied in the center of it. They are pulling and yanking at the unconscious Soldier's super SATAN! dick and pulling it apart like a Stretch Armstrong doll. The two turns to the love-struck couple and a pair of smiles creep leeringly across their faces as the woman immediately then screams and runs out of the room and up and out the building. Her male companion screams even louder and more like a bitch, and makes off shortly behind her to the exit.

Shane and Dong then go scampering after them as Soldier collapses in the center of the torture rack. He lays lifeless for a few minutes before shaking his head, slowly rising to his feet, and then slapping himself across the face 666 times.

"Sorry everyone for going ghost, but as you can see I've been passed out unconscious as I've been so busy punishing my penis in order to get ready for this match against the gaylord drezdin. Who is most likely going to torture me by yanking on my gonads for hours in this insane Universal Title match in order to try and get me to quit. But I'll have you all know that I've beaten my dick harder and faster than a Barney Green in a 70 virgin tranny afterlife. There's no way this queerazoid drezazoid stands a mother fuckin' chance against me! Crimson Dong told me that drezdin fights way more gayer and confused then asking Azarel Erebus to try to describe his gender!

He wants to tell me to make sure I'm focused because I have a lot more to lose than him, but I think it's obvious from watching his latest promo that he's more concerned with complaining about things he doesn't like rather than focusing on the mother fucking Universal Champion! Yes, just complain and quit! That's basically the rhetoric we're all used to hearing from you and yet it's really never going to happen, is it? You're never going to actually go away, are you? You're like a mother fucking mosquito that Vinnie Lane and the XWF has to keep batting away because you just want to be a minor annoyance, rather than an actual threat.

I'm glad that you respect me; however, how can someone like I respect a man like you who would rather quit and complain then do something the fuck about it! You see, when I came back to the XWF I did something about it! I became double champion of the top two titles in the fed in two weeks time! I'm a mother fucking do-er drezdin, unlike you who Crimson Dong tells me is more of a receiver! I hope you take me to mother fuckin' hell and back drezdin, because even if this is your match stipulation, I'm most certainly the one that knows how to survive and conquer after going through hell!"

Which brings me to my next point! The shittiest of shit stains in this shithole that drezdin calls the XWF. Some shitty wrestler from some shitty fed; or as we all know him as, the crying little engine that just simply couldn't! He couldn't beat Robert Main no matter how hard he tried. He couldn't keep his infatuations in check and had to play pretend Universal Champion for awhile. He couldn't find his balls when he was offered a triple threat with the two of us at Relentless.

Normally I would just ignore this insignificant and ignorant idiot, but on the other hand this mother fucker needs to be taught a lesson. I'm going to teach him that you....

DON'T BULLY MY BUB, BITCH!

I'm going to give him exactly what he wants and I'm going to do it next Wednesday Night Warfare in the same fucking match he wanted so badly against Robert Main at Relentless. Next time on Warfare it will be Some Shitty Wrestler vs. Unknown Soldier for the Universal Title in a mother fucking Hell in a Cell match. No disqualification! I thought that was implied for a Hell in a Cell match, but apparently it does need to be stressed since we all were FIENDING to know! But this won't be any ordinary Hell in a Cell match.

Fuck no! Unknown Soldier doesn't do normal boring shit and likes to get a little bit more creative with things, as you saw with my 666 count stipulation in my match with Robert Main. No, you see this particular Hell in a Cell match....."

Unknown Soldier reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a miniature version of the 'Pseudomonarchia Daemonum' He points his finger up to the sky and starts reciting words from the book in an unknown language. Mumbling deeply to himself and focusing his eyes directly to a spot on the ground where his pointing finger now trails from the ceiling to the ground beneath his feet. A hole appears as a beacon of darkness darker then the black of night travels through the roof of the museum and into the ground under his feet. An enormous hole about 6 feet wide and 6 feet tall that goes on forever and ever deeper and deeper into the black abyss down below. A conglomeration of trembling screams and moans comes projecting itself from somewhere deep within the black pit.

"The winner, will be the person that sends their opponent down into this pit that leads straight to HELL! I will cast the hole in the center of the ring with that red metal fence encaged all around us. Nobody will be able to escape and I'll send you straight down into this hole that leads straight to hell. By the end of the match, I will finally send some shitty wrestler to a pit of purgatory and eternal punishment where he belongs! This will be an UNHOLY HELL HOLE IN A CELL WHOLE match! See you next week and then I'll see you in hell!"