5 years is a long ass time. Props for taking another run at it. If you want some views from someone new to XWF (but not fedding), here's my two cents....

The Good: I liked how it wasn't too much. It was humble, and you had the courage to show some indecision/doubt in character about making a return. I'm assuming you drew on some real life feels for that and it shows. It seemed very authentic and a nice change of pace from "XWF BETTER GET READY TO TAKE MY HUGE DICK" type intro stuff (guilty).

Grammar wasn't bad, but I don't care about that shit unless it's majorly distracting or makes it unreadable. Clean it up some of you want, but it didn't hurt much.

The Not As Good: Some of it read kinda awkward. This, for example...

"Chasm cuts him off and you can tell he is getting a little upset as he pretty much yells".

Read that aloud. How does it sound? I think it would have been better as something like,

"Chasm rolls his eyes and barks into the phone."

More concise, conveys that he's annoyed, but with a "less is more" sentence structure that rolls off the tongue better.

Only other critique, and it may seem kinda hypocritical given what I wrote under what's good, but I'm not sure this is particularly dynamic or memorable. While it really humanizes Chasm, its tough to make a trip through the drive thru all that exciting. It wouldn't have been my first choice, though being subtle was never a strong suit for me. Others may disagree. Punch it up some for he next one, maybe some training and an injury scare...? Just a thought.